Abortion 

Such a touchy subject and one that is touching my family yet again,  but this time closer than just my cousin. 

My cousin had Scarlett fever when she was little, she lived but with a hole in her heart. When she got pregnant, the doctor told her to choose-her life or the baby’s and that is if she was even able to carry to term. She made the best choice possible and now thanks to having that hole repaired, has three beautiful girls. 

I thank the powers that be that that choice was available and legal. I hate to think about all the lifes through history that were lost because it wasn’t. 

This time it isn’t my cousin. This time it is my daughter. She has a loving husband, a great job, a beautiful smart little girl. She has a tiny fetus growing in her that 1) could harm her body (1st baby almost destroyed her back) . 2) that could kill her. 3) that,  even if none of those two happen, they are so not in a place for a second child nor do they want one. 

They used birth control due to all of those facts and I am so proud of their wise thinking. I know some may not agree with their choice and that it ok. Not asking for you to agree, just asking for that shoulder to lean that I hope is still there. 

I worry my little girl is going to hurt, both physically and emotionally and there won’t be anything I can do to help her, besides be there for her to lean on and lately it feels like she doesn’t really need me there for that. She has her hubby now, she doesn’t need her mommy any more, or so how it feels lately. Feels that way alot in my life lately and I don’t know how to make it better. 

So, life changes. Life goes on or it doesn’t, that is just a fact of life as we live it today. 

I just feel so alone today (even tho I know I am loved and wanted in all aspects of my life)  All I want to do is cry today and be held. I really miss being held tight in his arms and being cuddled. And.. I am scared. 

Scared for my child that she even has to face this life changing decision and worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting her. 

I worry so much about upsetting people and them leaving me that I say nothing and they do. 

But such is life. Time to stop worrying and just keep on living and being there for my child no matter what!!!!  

Naughty thoughts 

I have been having such naughty naughty thoughts about you and I. 

About us in a dark theater, you holding me close to you and my hand on
your hard cock as we watch the show.

I love feeling that wet spot grow on the front of your jeans, I reach
up and whisper in your ear that I can't wait to go home and have you give
me have my creamy treat for being such a good girl tonight.

I love it when you take my hand in yours and rub that wet spot even harder
and then your eyes slide shut as I run my finger down your hard denim covered
cock.

So want you to take me to park afterwards and tell me it is time
for my yummy treat but that you want to kiss my pretty little clit before
I get to have it.

Love how you lift me up to sit on the toy and slide my panties to the side
so that you can touch me, so you can see me, so you
can taste me right here with skirt around my waist, my hands in your hair
and your lips on my pink ones.

I love how you lick up all the cum that comes out of me and then
kiss my mouth as you slide me down your body letting my sweet clit
hit your hard head and how good it feels when you move my hips just right so that
your head forces its way inside of me.

I love the way you hold my body tight and tell me to ride you like I do
the horse on the carousel. The way you rub my asshole
with your finger as I move my hips back and forth as I am riding you makes me shiver in delight and moan. 

I finally get my creamy treat so deep and hard inside of me, your mouth
sucking on nipple as you slide your finger in my ass and groan my name.

God, I want you inside all night long darling.

Under the moon

I wonder if the person standing there doing their dishes with their window open only knew what was going on just a few feet away?

 If they had heard the soft sound of skin slapping against skin as his hips hit her ass. 

If they heard the quiet moans of a lady deeply wrapped up in passion and the quickening breath of the man who was driving that woman closer and closer to the edge of orgasm with every thrust of his cock so deep inside of her wet pussy. 

If they had seen the movement of him pulling down her panties, lifting her skirt up, bending her over in the moon light like the dirty slut she is for him. 

I wonder if they had any clue how,  right outside of their window,  there was a man cumming so deep and hard inside of his willing sub as her eyes were sliding shut as wetness was sliding down her thighs and her fingers were digging into the pine needles. 

Do you think they looked up from doing the dishes in time to see her stand up, lean her shaking body up against his as he wrapped her in his arms and gave her a soft kiss. 

Maybe they heard that combined giggle and shared laugh as she pulled herself together and  walked back to the car. 

Way personal

Ok so warning.. This blog is going to be very personal about me, my body and my boyfriend/Master Maestre.  If you are still reading this you are doing so at your own risk of getting way too much information. 

I have insecurity issues. I so wish I did not. I know that I worry too damn much and that it drives our guy crazy so I try my best, but alot of the time I fail. 

Last night was one of those times and I am so fucking done letting my Ex’s beliefs about my body influence this relationship or myself any longer. 

Yes I have a smell, I don’t know why… Maybe diet, maybe just how I am, but I know that I must drink alot of water to balance out the ph levels in my body.  So I do! 

For the longest time I was so worried about this, even last time while on date nite with Maestre. 

I don’t know how many times he has to say that yes it can be stronger but that he likes it so just shut up. Last night hearing him say that while was he was slapping my face really drove it home. 

This is me, this is how I am and I can make changes to me but there is always going  to be that part of me. 

I love my life right now and can only see even great things coming up in my future, so why the hell am I screwing great things up by constantly asking for reassurance???? 

Because I need it, I need to hear the words sometimes to shut off the thoughts in my head. I need that hug to show you want to be close to me. 

To remind me I am not a bother but an equally wanted person when I doubt my value. He never makes me doubt my value, it is I that does that and no more. I know how to open my mouth and ask for what I would let to have. 

Now…. Back to the smutty side of life because boy, do I have some stories to tell about my 1st night back on the phones!!!! 

Make love to me

So, I went back to my phone job the other night, It was really nice being back. I really did miss it; however,  I also realized I had forgot how much work it is, mostly mentally. 

I am there to please and that need changes from one call to the next, but what stays the same is that craving to be held after it. The want to hear that I am special  to someone and that I am loved.  I have some pretty intense calls at times and I don’t believe in faking my tone/voice/body reactions, but along with that all comes the brain and emotional reactions. 

I know that I am loved and special to my family and my boyfriend because they show me every day, but after spending am hour plus on the phone hearing about/and talking about what a worthless whore of a tramp you are (on a call to get him off),  even through you know that is not true, you still crave to hear the words I love you, I want you. Not the phone girl but you. 

Believe me, I am not complaining. I am not bitching, I chose to go back to this job because the pay can be very good, the calls can be fun. 

But this week I realized just how much I wish I could not go home to be alone in my bed after some of those calls.

 I kept messaging my guy all week about being wanting to held and it wasn’t until he said it bothered him, that I took a moment to see why I felt so needy. 

I go back this weekend to rock the phones and I know in advance that one of the calls is gonna put me in subspace (because it always does) so this time I am hoping to be prepared for the drop a few days later. I have a soft Blankie on my bed and will allow sometime this weeend/week for self care. 

 My guy jokes that after a good hard screaming moaning climax I go into little space and wanna be all mushy, held and then sleep. This is very true, so hence the sofy Blankie on my bed for when I get home. Will also talk to him about this on date night this week when we have more time together 🙂 

Steps for selfcare and to be a fucking hot chick are awesome!!!!! 

MINE

Meet me by your door when you come home after a long day at work.

Reach out and stroke my face with your fingertips before sliding your hand around to the back of my neck to wrap in my hair as your other hand reaches out to wrap around my throat.

 Squeeze it tightly, you know how that puts me right into a wild submissive state and you can already smell my body surrendering to your desires.

Slide your mouth gently over my collarbone, graze it with your teeth. Bring your lips up to my ear, whisper softly “tonight, you are all mine bitch.”

Walk me into the bedroom, stand me there as you slowly take off my clothes. Kissing each part of my skin as it is revealed to you. Take my shoulders and push me down onto the bed so that your cock is even with my mouth.

Lift my chin up with your fingers and smile at me as you slowly guide you that gorgeous cock into my lips. Stand there and enjoy your own personal slut as I worship your cock with my red lips and hot wet mouth.

Just as I am about to cum from from pleasing you,  reach back to pull my head back by my hair and tell me to lay back on that soft bed.

Run your fingertips down my body slowly, stopping every once in a while to kiss where you touched.

Part my legs gently and run your tongue along my lips until I am begging to please please taste me, at that moment dive in and eat this pussy like it is your last meal on earth.

Own this clit with your teeth as your fingers start to enter me, look up and see my eyes roll in the back of my head as my legs start to shake, my ass tightens and I coat your face with my cum.

Smile down at me as you slide up my body and then side your cock deep inside of my still clenching cunt. Moan as I start to lick my juices off of your lips and then say no.

One hand holding my wrists down, one hand wrapped tightly around my throat, you look down at me as you are deeply thrusting inside of me. Stare at me as you growl out “MIne” and feel me cum once again even harder all over your cock, balls, and thighs.

Hold me down tight as your words throw me over the edge, repeating then as I scream out and ride the most intense orgasm of the night. Growl “Mine” again right before you lean down to leave your bitemark deep on my chest and cum deep in of me.

Hold me close as my eyes slide shut and whisper in my ear that you love me as I drift off to sleep. Promise me next time you will mark every inch of my body as yours with your belt and kiss me before tucking me in tightly and leaving the bedroom.

I so adore you and every touch you leave on my skin.

# Maybe he doesn’t hit you

I haven’t talked about this much, hell, my boyfriend knows more about what happened between Paul and I than my family that witnessed some of it, even more than my children know. 

How do you tell your children that you stayed somewhere because it was easy, it was easy to stay there and put up with everything because you didn’t feel like you were  worth anything else than him, better than him? 

I love this article because it really helps bring home the fact that I wasn’t as bad as he told me I was. I didn’t need him as much as I thought I did. 

  It has been over 4 years since I walked out his door, since I left his collar laying on his pillow. There were many nights in the first year that I had wished I could have gone back because I truly believed that I was the one who had something wrong with them, not him. 

 As sick & as twisted as it was,  there were a lot of times I wished I could have made it work because, hey at least he didn’t hit me. If only I had tried harder, if if only I didn’t need him as much as I had thought I did. 

I told people that he quieted my soul I really do believe that was true in the beginning.

We met online and everything he said was everything that meant so much to me. I thought we really clicked well.  You see, it was right after Tim had gotten so sick and went back to his ex to be with her during his treatments so maybe Paul just came in at the right time I truly believe that he listened to what I had to say I just didn’t know that he listened to what I had to say that so that he could use them against me.

 I moved in with him a week after being with him for the first time,  I should have known something was wrong when he wouldn’t make love to me. He got upset because I got too wet when he touched my clit and he said my smell was too strong.  He was so pissed that I got his sheets wet. We-no I – needed to get right up and wash the sheets. That is the day the verbal abuse started, but I didn’t know that is what it was, I just thought he was telling me how he felt. He was, he felt that I was less than him and I should have seen that red flag waging. 

6 months, that is how long we lasted. 6 months of me making all his lunches,  but me skipping them because I was too fat. 6 months of me sitting quietly in the living room from the time he went to bed until it was time for me to go to work, not watching his TV because I was too dumb to operate it and I couldn’t nap because I snored and woke him up. 

6 months of coming home from work every Sunday afternoon to kneel down in front of him to suck his cock as he watched home filmed cyber porn. If I started to get turned on he would make me stop, calm down, and then get back to making him cum. Once I was done making him cum, I would get up and get dinner started. The one time I asked if I could please go into the bedroom and use our glass toy to make myself cum he did not talk to me for the rest of the evening. 

 We would shower separately and go to bed, it was my responsibility to stay awake until he fell asleep so that I didn’t keep him awake with my snoring. I would try so hard, I would bite my hand to stay awake, and if I failed… He would wake up, yell at me, and kick me out of the bed to go sit in the living room in the dark till he went to sleep. 

I worked so hard to please him that I forgot about myself. 

 Maybe it would have been better if he had hit me, then they would have realized what was going on and got out of there, but he never did until the day he almost did. 

My friend’s mom died and he would not go with me to the funeral; my same friend got married and he would not escort me to the wedding, said he had something more important to do that day, so I went alone. 

During the reception, Larry came down to see me. He said I looked so beautiful with my hair up and red dress on. We made out in the hotel parking lot during the reception. That was the 1st time I gave in to temptation. It was also the 1st time I came in months. I felt beautiful, I felt wanted. 

I got home after the wedding to walk in on Paul sitting in front of his computer jerking his cock to some skinny skankey young thing getting fucked, he just looked at me and said to get down where I belonged like a good slut since I already looked like one I might as well be one. I felt so numb that night, used and tossed aside like nothing. I wish he would have hit me. 

We tried counseling, on the 3rd visit, the counselor told me to get out before it was too late for me, all my friends told me it was already too late, and my family started checking in on me every day but I didn’t understand why until after I left.

Why did I stay? Because everyday he told me he loved me. He told me that,  even though I was replaceable, he didnt want to. He said he wanted me. 

So what did it take for me to say enough and walk out that door? It was a combo of things: 

it was when Tim called me in February 2013to ask to see me again and I told him no because I was scared what Paul would do if he found out I saw him, and I was scared what Tim would say when he saw how large I had gotten. Tim told me his cancer was back and he wasn’t going to fight it this time. I went to Paul that night to be held and was told no, he had to get up early and did not want to deal with me. I wish he would have kicked me out of his house. 

It was when I found the sex toys wrapped up in the top drawer where they did not belong and they had been used by someone, but not us. I found out later he used them on a man. I wish I had had the balls to confront him about it. 

It was when I came home from work so excited that I was going to be a grandma, and his reaction? ” great another unwed mother bringing in yet another bastard into this world”  I wish he would have died that night. 

The final straw was nothing huge, not really by then. The men that had loved me before all begged me to leave him before it was too late. I had told one of them I wanted to leave, to please come get me on Tuesday, after he went to work. 

Monday night I was picking a sore on his back and hurt him. He turned around with such hatred in his eyes, his fist was raised and I don’t even remember what he said. I was so scared. 

But Tuesday morning he was so loving and sweet,  he played with my clit for the 1st time in 6 months. 

I texted my friend and said don’t come. I wanted to stay and try to make this work out. He said he was so sorry for scaring me, that he would never truly hurt me. 

 My friend was so pissed off, but he loved me enough to say ok.  He loved me enough, that when I called him in tears after Paul came home ftom work for lunch and called me so many bad naughty things while telling me to just leave, make everyone’s life better without me in it, to come over and move me the hell out of there. 

I still have issues from this experience, I am insecure, I worry that what I say and what I do will never be good enough and why should it be, when I wasn’t. 

If you are in a relationship where all your friends feel like they need to beg you to open your eyes and see what is happening to you, please listen to them. Please at least hear what they say and know that they love you.  

If you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feed your soul, that makes you feel less than or that you feel like you need to watch every little step you take- then you may need to take a quiet look at that relationship and ask yourself why you are there. I know I wish I had earlier than I did. 

But I did and even though I still have trust issues, it is so worth it. 

Weber online

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It is important to note that domestic violence does not always manifest as physical abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence. Lack of physical violence does not mean the abuser is any less dangerous to the victim, nor does it mean the victim is any less trapped by the abuse.