First blog post

So 1st post and not even sure what to say other than hello ! Welcome to my world and hope this journey of discovery is a good one for all

Thanks to my Handsome man (Hi Devon!) For giving the kick in the butt I needed to start righting again!



Day 17 :)

I wish I was better with my ability to say no, no I don’t want to do that, no that’s not interesting to me. I wish I felt more comfortable being able to say that. I always feel like if I want to say no or if I want to say “no, I just really want a night to myself” I have to make up an excuse because heaven forbid if I just want to stay home and do absolutely nothing. I have always felt wrong for feeling that way when others want to do something with me.

Tonight, really just don’t wanna LOL

I just want to stay home and rest with my person. I just want to cuddle and kiss and enjoy private time, I wanna watch silly porn and laugh till we fuck. I wanna be cuddled up together again, but we said that we would go play mini golf or go hang out with another couple and I know how much they’ve been looking forward to this.

I guess to get down to the root of the real situation is that I just don’t want to share him tonight, I love being in love with a poly man and sharing him with women that love him, care about him and kick his ass when he needs it. But tonight I just really want to feel selfish and I know that’s not okay.

I’m not going to get to speak with him from Friday until after Monday and I honor that out of respect and caring but today, I just don’t feel like I wanna share this time with friends tonight.

So how do I get over the guilt of that? How do I just let go and enjoy this time without thinking God I just want to be curled up in his arms? Because she is my friend and she’s a great person. Because her boyfriend is really cool and I think that we can have a lot of fun. Because I like mini golf and I really need the extra stops LOL and because I don’t know why else other than I would feel guilty for changing the plans.

But then again how much is this just my anxiety talking tell him you just stay home and don’t do anything just be at home with him. And I can’t just give in to that

Day 16

Humm what to write about today, alot of changes at work and not really getting enough time today to walk as I would like, but kicking ass at excel!!!

I like my hands today. They are cute and strong even after 2 carpal tunnel surgeries in both hands. They help me earn my living, clean my house, hug my grandbaby and are so fun to play with in other ways as well.

Having smaller hands make it easier to fist a beautiful woman and stroke an amazing man, see, they are fun to play with in many ways.

I am beyond blessed today and will keep all things positive!!!!

And my scars that make me strong and proud.

Day 15, half way to goal

And today what I like about me is my laugh.

My kids don’t like it because it is too loud, I laugh too much they say, but I love it.

I love how it conveys so much so much joy, so much passion, and yet- if you know me, you can also hear sadness in it when I am trying to hide it, when I don’t want just anyone to know that I am hurting about something or dealing with thoughts I don’t want to have to deal with right at that moment.

I love laughing, mostly during amazing sex and wonderful beatings when I hit the wall of pain and pleasure and break through it, when my partner forces me to breath, when he calls me the name he knows that will throw me over the edge, when my body finally let’s go and gives into the pain and pleasure when all I can do is ride the waves and laugh in joy, when my little comes out to play and I just laugh.

My friends tell me it sounds like sunshine and my callers tell me it is the wickest evil little laugh they have ever heard.

I have fought so hard to get my laugh and smile back this last week, and no matter what I am not going to loose it again.

Day 14

This weekend was wonderful, work was ok and my emotions not too bad. So nice that way.

So something positive about myself today is that I’m loyal and I like that about myself. I don’t make a lot of close friends but those that I do make are close to me for years.

In the past few weeks or months I mean been trying to make new friends and it seems like they’re kind of weeding themselves out as it goes. I thought I found a really good friend her name was Bev we were connecting really well things were going really good but then I noticed that she started using me and having not the friendship I thought we had which sucks because I think we could have been really good friends but she’s not a grandma and she doesn’t understand the need or they want to stay home on a weekend with your grandchild and I do.

I may be an emotional mess sometimes because of work but if I love you I love you and if I tell you I love you it’s true. I’m going to give you a little while to prove yourself but once you do to me you’re my friend.

I like that I like that I have friendships with time it means a lot to me. And now I actually have a relationship with time and that even feels better.