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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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So 1st post and not even sure what to say other than hello ! Welcome to my world and hope this journey of discovery is a good one for all

Thanks to my Handsome man (Hi Devon!) For giving the kick in the butt I needed to start righting again!

 

Intensely 

I’ve known since little girl I’ve always been intense.

This last year has shown me that sometimes it’s okay to stop being so intense, mostly these last few days.

I have been learning alot about myself,  not all because I wanted to but because I want this relationship, these friendships, and my path that I am on right now to continue in the right ways. 

I love in full, I have always believed in the fairy tales of how when you fall in love you feel complete and “the one” will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

 I could never understand why relationships didn’t work for me, why each one that ended badly left me scared to try the new one on.

 I could never understand why relationships that did work longer were with married men who wanted to own me but also wanted me to go see others. 

Those relationships ended because I fell too hard and craved more attention,  but didn’t know then what I am learning from my bf now- that the attention I crave can and should come from me 1st. 

Why does learning have to hurt so much sometimes? 

To hear him be honest with me about not missing me as much as I miss him brought back memories of Larry telling me that he needed to end our affair because I was in too deep and that I gave up my own fun life to be available for him whenever.  I thought that is what one did as a girlfriend but also as a submissive.  Yes, it hurt hearing that but yet – made me want to spend sometime figuring out why I felt like I missed him so much, I mean- I don’t want a full time live in lover, I want this, I want the freedom this relationship gives me.  

Think when I say I miss him it isn’t me saying I want him around all the time not living his own life, or saying that I don’t feel connected to him, it is I miss the connection we have when we are alone together, laughing, going to the movies, kissing, and having amazing sex.  I guess what I should say next time I want to say that is what I miss doing or want to do again.  Instead of I miss you – I want to hold your hand at the movies again when we can please. 

I do not want to have history keep repeating itself in order for me learn and improve. I started down that path again and this week really opened my eyes. 

I want him to miss me when we can’t see each other,  but not because I keep telling him I love and miss him; I want him to want me in his life, but not because I act like I can’t live without him, but because I know that I can.  That I know I am not entitled to anyone’s time or feelings, but that I do love getting to be part of them. 

So where do I go from here? 

I learn that my love doesn’t lessen any by flirting and seeing others, it didn’t in the beginning of this relationship so why would it now? actually it seems to make it deeper because I get out of the mind set that he is “be all”  and I give the poor man a break from all the pressures of dating me when I am being needy and clingy.  That is a good thing. 

But I also learn and remember that giving both of us space is a good thing. He isn’t Paul, he doesn’t need to know my every thought or every little thing I am doing, but at the same time he is my Maestre, and I take that part very seriously,  so I do still want to clear things with him, I want him to have the power of some decisions in my life as my Dom. and there is the fine line I am learning to walk. 

I have a feeling a good sit down discussion is needed again so I can better understand that line of Dom/sub and Boyfriend/girlfriend because I want them to work for the both of us, both as partners and as separate people again. I love being with him and having him in my life. 

I don’t want to lose him as either of those things in my life and I don’t want to lose the person I am becoming so growth is necessary…. Yet again lol, but I love this life so it is worth all the growing pains 

Little one 

I’ve been meaning to post for quite a while but work has gotten extremely stressful and I’ve just been paying attention a lot more to that when I would like to.

 I’ve also been thinking about this post for awhile,  most of all day it seems. There’s so much I want to say in this post and yet there’s so many feelings I don’t want to deal with right now.

What if I open up this can of worms and it hurts so bad that I don’t want to be alone tonight?  but I am so maybe I shouldn’t blog, but hey what the fuck  I’m higher than a kite so I might as well get all these feelings out right?

**Warning – bad language, child abuse issues – read with care**

Christmas was amazing. I spent it with my kids.  I laughed so much,  I saw my other grand baby too! 

 Christmas Eve I got to spend it with my daughter,  her husband,  my boyfriend and his wife,  and my grandbaby.  It was so much fun.

We ended the evening with the three of us (boyfriend,wife and I) , cuddled up on the couch and the grandbaby cuddled up on our laps playing games, laughing and watching a movie.  It felt amazing, felt like something I’ve been missing for a very long time.

I was a single parent, my children’s fathers were not around, I also never allowed any boyfriends to be around my children except for one. Rob and I used to sit on couches and cuddle while holding my daughter and my son and watching TV together. But after he decided to quit using pot,  he went nuts and try to kill me,  twice,  so he was out the door and I never trusted anyone to be around my children again with me. 

I don’t know if it was a combination of that and also of being hurt as a child, but I didn’t want anyone around my kids, trust is an bit of an issue for me, can you tell? 

Anyway another thing that happened yesterday is I found out the girl that used to be my step sister passed away on the 8th. She had a very very hard life. 

I told my little sister yesterday that I have no memories of when I was little but had some of the stepsister. Well this morning some of that changed. I woke up from the most intense dream of my gbaby being touched in very bad ways(not by me) and as I laid there to process it, memories came rushing back.  They came storming back. 

I was a little older than my gbaby, but not yet in 1st grade when my older cousin would lay with me on his lap under the covers on the couch. When he put his fingers on me, in me, when he would hurt me but say it was ok because I liked it and a bit of hurt was good and it was our fucking secret. 

I sat on one end of the couch one day when my aunt was in and out of the room and he had hid big toe inside of me. It was our fucking secret and she did not even fucking notice. 

I was a little fucking girl when he put that balloon on his finger and he said he was going to put it inside me and it was going to hurt, but remember its okay because pain is it’s how we care.  It wasn’t his fucking finger he put that balloon on and it wasn’t his fucking finger that he put inside of me, this morning all of those feelings came rushing back after that dream,  all of that pain, and how he said I was his favorite girl. 

I was a God damn mother fucking little girl, I was cute, I should have been allowed to stay fucking cute. I was a sweet innocent kid, not yet the slut I would grow into being. 

That fucking asshole took away all of that, but the worse was yet to come because, hey he told me he loved our little games, our little fucking secrets, ours, I was fucking special to him- that is until the day I tried to go into his trailer one day and the door was locked but I could hear him and my older sister talking. She came out later and I knew I wasn’t the special one after all. 

 This is what made me feel worthless and hatred to my older sister, a feeling that showed up later in life when my step-dad decided that in the 3rd grade that I had a pretty mouth and was a little slut so why not use it. When I heard her knock on the bathroom door to hear her ask him if he knew where I was while I was trying not to throw up crying and gagging. I never gagged again after that day, not even when he would come into my room and filled my mouth while she slept in the next bed. I had to be oh so very good and quiet. 

I was a little fucking girl, I was a quiet shy fucking cute little girl who loved every one and everything with so much joy you mother fucking worthless pieces of shit. I should have been able to stay a fucking little girl.  I should have grown up safe.

 I hate you both so much. I hate that I have minimized this so much because I thought that I really had it better than most girls I know, and while that is true, I also just used that as an excuse to hide how I felt/feel.

I fucking hate them but sometimes I really hate myself because I didn’t make it stop,  I didn’t tell anybody til it was too late,  I didn’t and worse yet there’s this part of me inside now that wishes I could go to my cousin,  I could grab him by the back of the head and I could kiss him.  I can run my hand down his pants I could shove his cock inside of me and show him how much I’m better now that I’m older, and I could beg him to let me be special and cute again like I used to be.  

Oh gosh I feel like a sick bitch just admitting I have had that thought in the past, usually it was followed by a sweet stinging slice, a deep burning burn to the skin till you could hear a quiet sizzle, or a nameless fuck in a sloppily sliding inside of me before getting up to walk our my door, leaving me laying there numb and reaching for a bottle.

It has been a very long time since I have allowed myself behave that way,  but it is really raw tonight since that dream, and my inner little girl is pissed off!  tonight I can say those words,   I can admit it, and I can just leave it on the floor where it belongs because it’s a bullshit thought,  it’s a bullshit feeling. 

And it’s bullshit that I have a hard time living my fucking life and enjoying my grandbaby being that cute innocent little girl I once was you mother fucking assholes that I hope rot in hell, I am tired of being your fucking victim and I am fucking tired of letting my fucking insecurities run fucking rampant. 

I was a sweet innocent girl once, that may have went away but I will be damned if I let you fuckers win by not believing I am special in my own way and my own life any longer. 

Depression and phone sex

You wouldn’t think those two words would go together, but lately they have.

I know that the way to earn more money as a phone temptress is to put myself out there, advertise, write stories, be on the phone line, but lately I have just been wanting to go home after work, rest, and veg.

Weight is coming back on, checks are getting smaller, and I feel like I am super boring for my bf. Hard not to compare myself to other ladies when I so crave his hugs and talking with him, to the pout where I feel like I am bugging him and I don’t want to do that. I want to be that fun loving girlfriend again and I will be 🙂 

I sat down today and did the five steps of what, why, when, where and how about why I am feeling this way and right now, most of it comes from my office job and how depressing it is there.  I am not sure how to fix it or even if I have to as other are working on it.

And since there is only do or do not do, there is no try- it is time for me to get off my ass again.

Downloaded an exercise app for my phone, got healthy food, and am working the phones every night this week!

Now time to start writing porn!!! And then have a good time with myself – busy season need to chill out soon!! Lol 

Learning while polying 

I am still new at all of this but I have to say, this last year has been an amazing experience.

I think some of the best parts are that I am learning the difference between needs and wants, learning that feelings are just those – feelings!  And while they are important, we are the owners of them.  I am also learning that just because my boyfriend is attracted to others – it doesn’t take anything away from his attraction to me. (My behaviors is what lowers that)  and may have been one of the hardest lessons.

In the past, I used to let my insecurities run rampant and expect others to make me feel better, secure, wanted.

In the past,  I didn’t have to learn to acknowledge what I am feeling, face that those feelings, or do anything to deal with them.

But this is not the past, this is now and I get to have wonderful experiences to help teach me that I am in control of my feelings – not the other way around. I am responsible for dealing with them and allowing myself to be happy, even when I don’t think I can be.

I live my life now in ways that I want to so I can be secure in myself and in the knowledge that I really so bring alot to the table relationship wise, that just because life gets busy doesn’t mean I am not important. 🙂  I just need some reminders sometimes tho (lol) and I get those in good night kisses texts and hello gorgeous good morning ones. 

I got a bit twisted a bit back because boyfriend was having so much fun flirting with other ladies, old beliefs came back to the forefront and I had to learn from them because I love this man and this relationship.

  I also took a good hard look at myself. – am I meant to be poly?  I meant to be here am I honest with myself and honor my needs also? 

I have fun flirting with other guys, it is exciting and fun. Does it take away from my excitement when I get to flirt or be with him- hell no, actually it heightens it some because he is the one that knows me, the person I can share this with and he understands it and me. 🙂

That doesn’t mean I don’t get worried about others being more exciting or stuff like that- but then we text, play, giggle, fuck, make love, and share fun times together. He reminds me he loves me in his own way, and I deal with those old beliefs.

I found this meme and it makes me feel amazing while reminding me that this is not the past at all and it is pretty damn awesome. 

Thank you for a yr of learning, passion, laughter, feelings, growth. and amazing sex!!!!!  I love you handsome man cub! 

Getting in shape is not easy

Damn exercise. Damn it to hell. I loved it before getting sick and now that I am better, it is time to work out again. I just can’t seem to get my movation back even though I try every night.  I miss hearing that I am a good girl or doing a good job, but I know I am doing this for myself and the results do pay off, I just need to do this and push thro the cramps. 

I have so many feeling cropping up and have been working so hard not burdening my boyfriend with them, but missing him, not just sex either (as great as it is!). Just missing the laughter and cuddles. 

But I’ll see him and laugh with him again soon 🙂 and as much as he gets tired of hearing it, I so look forward to it! It is so fun spending time with him. 

Last week an old playmate texted me, wanting to be topped. I hate that he only messages me when that itch needs scratched but it was nice to catch up with him and it was fun to dust off my Domme even if it was just over text. Forgot how good it feels to have someone beg. But the same as before, he gets his craving and runs off, however – I have to say it feels pretty fucking awesome knowing that he knows who to call when that itch gets too strong. 

I enjoy being submissive, but damn sometimes it is so fun telling someone what to do and how to do it!!!  I am so going to have to do more Domme calls!!! 


Master’s new toy.

I was halfway through my shift of teasing and pleasing my lovely callers
at my phone job, when Master called me to say I needed to come directly to his house right after my fun times were done, that I was not to ask why,-just to get there.

Walking up to his house, I heard his other submissive giggling with
another girl, a voice I had never heard before. They were in the shed so I
walked in and introduced myself. It turned out that this new lady was
going to be Master’s new toy and she was really nice, we laughed and
giggled while getting to know each other better.

My sub-sister had the rope in her hand as she was told to have ready but
as we all started giggle, one of us thought it would be a good idea to tie
her up and have her ready for him when he came home, one of the worst
idea’s yet.

Master was smiling when he walked into the shed but that smile dropped when he saw what we had done without permission. He got the most feral look on his face as he wrapped his hand around my throat and growled that he was not happy with us.

We were quickly banished from the shed.

It was so hard having to walk away without getting to be with him tonight
while he played, but this was our punishment and we deserved it.

We looked back to see if maybe he would tell us to stay, but that did not happen.

It was with tears in our eyes as we walked to the house as we heard the
first hit of leather on her skin. We laid in bed cuddled up together as we
heard her start to moan, knowing that Master had started the second part of his playtime.

The waves of emotions rushed over me as I heard her giggle, I knew I
should be so happy for Master because I know how much he loves his playtime and I really was happy for both him and her, but at the same time that tinge of pain knowing that Master was enjoying someone else, hurt.

This was the first time I experienced this and I swore that I would deal
with the emotions with him honestly so that next time I will wait to do as
asked and will be able to even be happier for Master and his new toy,
because I really liked her and I love him.

Master came into the room later that night, stood before us looking at us
both for a few moments before tell us to move our asses over, he was tired and wanted his ladies wrapped around him right where we good girls belonged and would always be.

It felt so good to be wrapped up in his arms, to feel him hug her and then
me; to hear him kiss her forehead before he turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said “I love you too little one, now get out of your head and
get your ass to sleep.I promise to punish you properly in the morning my
good girl” before kissing my forehead as well.

Love..

Love takes so many different forms

Love isn’t just a wonderful prince riding in to rescue a beautiful helpless maiden that the fairy tales make little girls dream of…

Love is not just the roses and candlelight that the movies make young ladies dream of…

Love is not just the two older people sitting on a couch talking about days gone by that stories from other couples make newlywed couples dream of…

Sometimes love is a touch, it is a kiss, it is a one night spent together sharing your bodies and then nothing more.

Sometimes love is meeting for coffee and then you crave that person in your life, for the rest of your life if possible.

Sometimes love is the sting of leather against soft skin, the hot wax pouring down on a hard nipple, the deep intake of breath when you wrap your hands around her neck as you growl in her ear how you want to tie her up and make her scream your name as you do all the wonderful devious things you have dreamed of doing to her.

Sometimes love is a whisper, a exchange of voices over a phone-line with a beautiful phone sex girl that leaves you breathless.

What is love? It is whatever makes you shine.