First blog post

So 1st post and not even sure what to say other than hello ! Welcome to my world and hope this journey of discovery is a good one for all

Thanks to my Handsome man (Hi Devon!) For giving the kick in the butt I needed to start righting again!



Dear boyfriend…

My dear boyfriend, I know you said you don’t need explanations- but I do need them for me, so this is more for me than you but, it is what it is and so there. LOL Yes, I am feeling kind of bratty tonight.

When we 1st started dating, I told you this was the most adult mature relationship I have ever been part of. I don’t think you or I even knew how true that was going to turn out to be. I have learned how to talk and express as well as listen and accept. I am learning how to be myself as a whole, accept you as a whole, and enjoy when our wholes come together- giggle, see a touch bratty,  but when our whole beings get to be intersect is pretty darn amazing. (Ok, head in the gutter cuz I want sex with you but .. I hope you know what I mean)

I did something today that I don’t think I would have ever done in both the doing it as well as even telling you about doing it, due to past fears and expectations that do not belong onto you. As you know, I had lunch with my past Dom, and then I spanked the hell out of his ass. OH My god. Yes, I did that and Yes, I really do want to do it again. Telling you that I did this was one of my biggest hurtles for so many reasons, but it felt so good to say- I did this and I really had fun. I got to see part me that I wanted to see, and you know what- I also got to see that it didn’t affect the way I care about you or love you. Really, it just made me want to tell you that I really do love you- just for who you are, even when you piss me off, but that I really do love me and that is more than OK.

Going to this eating disorder’s clinic has opened my eyes up so much to being OK with saying- “I am a bit scared to tell you this because of what happened in my past with another, but that I respect myself enough to tell you and to accept the outcome good or bad.” And you have shown me today that I need to quit worrying so fucking much. What will be will be.

Now for stuff for me, just some serious thoughts. I have been wanting to spend some time with D, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to keep this secrete from you because of my crappy hang-ups.I didn’t believe you would mind, but I hope that you would care only because you care about me. but my circle of doing stuff and then not being honest scared me. Knowing that I could fall back into that and I don’t want to do that.

The old circle of want to – don’t do so I don’t have to hide and I don’t have to face fear of either person leaving when they find out or doing something different and it really being OK.  but then I feel less than because I see you living your truth and I am not, so I stop communicating, stop doing what I want, and I feel left out and alone because of my own actions.

Today I took a chance , I did the action, I told you about the action because I really wanted to talk to you about it and enjoy sharing with you as my partner and gosh, it felt so good.

I have learned that honestly is fucking amazing and scary at the same time but that is will not kill me and that it is the best way to show respect for myself.

And I have found that I really did like topping a man, I want to try topping a woman, but also that I may be a touch of a sadist because it was fun to hear him cry and to see the marks on his ass.

Best part of today, besides being honest with my feelings and in my words, is that when said I wouldn’t be having sex, I wouldn’t be pleasuring him in any way other than marking him and making him cry- he listened and I stuck to it. I love that.

xoxoxooxox me

RIP Papi,

Daddy — Daddy Dom– DDlg

So many words for a man that chooses to care and love a woman so much that she is free to let her inner young spirit out to be free, safely.

He is his babygirl’s number one fan and ultimate confidant. He praises her for trying new things, even when she is so scared to do so. His eyes light up when she walks in the room and believes in her no matter what.

He is her teacher and protector. She knows that when she needs to curl up in his arms and just be, he is right there arms wide open waiting. She knows she is safe to reach out and do new things because pity the person who messes with his girl.

He loves to take his babygirl to places she has never been before, do things she has never done before, and loves to hear her beg him for more. he loves to deflower her both sexually as well as expose her to new adventures.

Daddy is her guide, her adviser, her disciplinarian when needed, but most of all he is her Anchor. He is an unyielding, unmovable anchor in the storm. No matter what happens in the girl’s life, she knows her Daddy will be right there where he has always been, and she can hold onto that even if she is blinded by her own tears. Daddies know the storm will pass, and she will be safe, but she needs something to hold onto that will not move.

Today I found out the man who was my original Daddy,  my always Papi,  passed away. I will never make him out to be more of a person he was, he had his bad sides for sure- but I know he supported me no matter what.  He was so proud of me for leaving a verbally abusive relationship, he was proud of me for finding my career, he was proud of me for starting and staying in a Poly relationship that is good for me and advised me to always be honest no matter what.

It hurts but that is life- life comes to an end, that is part of crazy thing called life and if we are lucky- we get to find lots of love and get to share it with amazing people.  I am one of the lucky ones.

Another night

Sleep – – I miss you, you used to come so regularly and so easily. Put in a movie, sleep visited. Go to bed and after a bit of tossing and turning, I was snoring.

Now easily falling to sleep is a distant dream.

I lay here and think about things I have no control over. Or at least I don’t believe I do!.

I used the last bit of my gas today to go into work to earn money to get gas for next week. I’m just worried about how I’m going to get to work if I don’t feel like I can walk tomorrow, I’ll have to walk, which means I’ll have to leave early and I’ll have to take extra medicine.

My hip is already hurting tonight so I’m really worried- but I can do it, that’s what medicine is for.

Invited my boyfriend to come over and watch a movie or just hang out at my house for date night tomorrow night and tonight I’m sitting here worried because I’m going to have to make him just rice, because that’s all I have and will have for until Friday unless I can get to the food bank today somehow.

I hide things really well, that I’m scared about money and about food are my big ones. I did get to go food shopping this payday, but just couldn’t make it stretch.

I need to lose more weight so this will help. I can make it work, always do somehow.

I hear people that I work with talk about “hey I only have $207 for the rest of the week, better budget” and I think crap I have about $2.50 for the rest of the month and I work two jobs.

But my car is paid off this month, so that will help. I’m just hoping that I can get my water bill paid before the 25th and they shut me off, I’m not behind so it shouldn’t be a problem.

These are the things going through my mind that I can’t talk to anybody about, how can I tell people that even though I work two jobs I’m still just barely hanging on.

I guess it’s time to pick up more hours on the second job, but I am already so tired, and now that I started going to therapy, it is even harder to go to the 2nd job. The age play calls really affect me now in ways they didn’t it before, but that’s how I get a lot of my money because I’m good at it. The more taboo calls.

But everything with be alright. It always is.

Mother’s day

A day that’s supposed to be all roses and I love yous, what a lot of people don’t see are the tears of some others today.

The moms who have lost babies, the moms who have lost older children to drugs, the ladies who’s deepest desire is to carry and deliver a healthy baby.

We hear about those ladies and we feel for them, but what about the women who got to be the lucky ones? Who raised healthy kids into adulthood and they leave.

We should be happy and honored, our babies grew up and they are doing great- so why the tears today?

You see no one tells you about after. How it feels like a divorce. How you walk around a place with so many memories of doing things with these little people. Watching them learn, explore and grow.

No one tells you that getting your own life is so very important because that is what they are doing and soon the will leave home and you will be all alone again.

I am lucky, I got a beautiful card from my daughter and her family. I got a sweet message from my son and his family, I had many messages from friends on fb wishing me a happy mother’s day, and I spent it all alone wishing it wasn’t. Wishing I was doing something and yet just getting high and cleaning my house before going to sleep.

So what do I do to make sure next yr this day doesn’t remind me that my days mothering are over, now I am a mother of grown ups and grand mother.

But I really miss hanging out with my little kids and enjoying the hugs.

I miss the hugs most of all.

Was it?

She laid in her bath after he left and wondered.

Wondered if what just happened was that terrible word that begins with an R.

She thought they were friends, they talk about their lives and share laughs but when he asked her if he could come over she was hesitate about saying yes. The last time he came over he was very vocal about wanting sex and even tho she tried hint that she really wasn’t in the mood, she just wanted to be friends he just didn’t get the hints. She finally had to come right out and say that she wasn’t interested and he did get rather upset but finally understood her and dropped the conversation.

She told him that she really wasn’t in the mood for visitors, her life was rather confusing right now, she just wanted to go to bed and do some thinking. As she was crawling into a hot bath with a bowl of some sweet kush to smoke, she heard the knock on her door. Rolling her eyes, she got back dressed and answered the door. There he was, standing there and started to walk in the door. Once again she told him she really didn’t feel like visitor but he spoke over her, saying that he just wanted to talk because his wife was crazy and that he knew that her leg was hurting from the fall she had a few weeks ago so he wouldn’t stay very long, he just needed a friend to talk to for a little while.

As they sat on the couch talking, he kept touching her and rubbing her sore leg, He said he could tell that it was still bothering her, offered to rub it and promised that would be it. He promised that he understood she didn’t want to be sexual and he wouldn’t push it.

As she started to lay down on her bed, he asked why she wasn’t getting undressed. She explain to him that she was going to just rest a few moments while he rubbed her leg and they talked before seeing him to the door and resuming her hot bath.

By the time she was on her bed, he was down to just his pants. With a surprised look on her face she asked him what was going on- he said it was so he could rub her leg better.

As he was rubbing her leg, she started to relax and drift off lightly only to be awaken by him crawling between her legs and rubbing his naked body on her ass. She asked him what the hell was going on and he just kept kissing her back, she told him that she wasn’t in the mood for this and he started rubbing her pantie covered pussy. He pushed harder and harder against her clit and said there was no way she wasn’t in the mood because she was so wet already.

She felt him pull her panties to the side and start to slid his cock up against her pussy. He kept kissing her shoulder while telling her he was going to fuck her really good and he knew how much she wanted it. She just closed her eyes let him finish. He came on her ass and kept saying how good it was to make her feel good again. She just laid there in a daze and nodded.

She walked him to the door after he got up and dressed. She told him that he was to never call her and was to never knock on her door again or she was going to call his wife and tell her all about what happened.

So she laid in her tub and swore that she would never speak about what happened because she really didn’t know what truly just happened- but she was sure that it was never going to happen again.

Fast forward a couple years, she is laying in her new tub in her new house relaxing after a stressful day of work when her phone buzzed showing she had a message on her facebook.

Smiling she was excited to see what her BF was up to, but that smile faded fast when she saw it wasn’t their handsome man.

It was him.

He was back in town for a little while, heard she had moved and was hoping to get to see her again. She deleted the message, she blocked him, and then laid her head back and let the tears fall.

Once again she thought- was it? was it rape? hadn’t she said no clear enough? Did she say no? Was that no cancelled when she got wet?

She let him in the door then and now here she was in her tub crying and wondering, just wondering…


Today I an grateful for an amazing Meta, friend, Gf, person in my life that I can talk to, share time with, and adore each other while we both adore the man we are with.

Poly isn’t always easy and I am sure it will get a lot harder as time goes on, but I am so glad I get to share this time with another person that understands.

I have been so emotional and so needy lately and I’ve been trying to hide it really, but it came out last night and got me in trouble.

I don’t mean to behave like that and I don’t mean to cause issues.

So instead of going down that rabbit hole and spinning around being emotional and wanting people to help me, it’s time for me to pick myself up and do it myself just like I’ve always been suggested to do.

I want to know that people want me because they want me not because I want them to want me.

So got a hold of my sponsor and we’re going to be doing a gratitude list every day and we’re also going to be doing ways to improve me.

BF and I have a Wellness Plan going where I walk a lot but now it’s time to have one where I work out my own issues and a lot more fun to be around again


Ice cold steel, burning hot metal swirling together to become one while each standing on their own.

Deep breaths in, little moans out, heartbeats speeding up in sweet anticipation.

Inner whimpers on the first touch, outer moans on the second, begging for it to stop on the third, pleading for it to never to on the fourth.

Eyes slide shut in sweet pleasure as the touch continues in slow deep pressure against your skin.

The way it moves you while holding you still is beyond words, but you stay still because you don’t want to miss a thing.

The way it opens your mind and frees your soul while it binds you in place fulfills your deepest unspoken craving.

Feeding that little voice inside of your head that whispers to you.. just give in, just once more, lay back and just float while you are safe.

Sensations rush through your body like venom through your veins, the metal cools, eyes slide open, the mental cuffs come off.

Back to the real world you go but with an all new determination, new light in your eyes, cravings subside, and life moves on.