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First blog post

So 1st post and not even sure what to say other than hello ! Welcome to my world and hope this journey of discovery is a good one for all

Thanks to my Handsome man (Hi Devon!) For giving the kick in the butt I needed to start righting again!

 

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Deserve / deserving?

Been thinking alot about this word deserve. The Olympia toy run was this weekend and one of their slogons was ” gifts for deserving kids” that made me question… So because a child’s parents are low income they deserve a gift more than one who’s parents are working hard to being an income or two in?

I read on the poly sites people saying ” but I am the girlfriend/boyfriend – I deserve equal time as the wife/ husband”. Really? What have you done to deserve it?

And on the same poly site “but I’m the wife/I’m the husband I deserve more time than… I deserve blank blank blank” makes me want to ask the same question.

Where do we get off thinking that we deserve somebody’s time? Sure, it’s nice to have somebody’s time, and sure, it’s nice to have somebody’s attention but do we deserve it?

So like every time you do something that you should do for somebody because it’s nice or because you love them, you really only doing it because you want to deserve something later?

“well I have been with them a lot longer and we have been through soo much” okay I can see that as sort of an argument on why one person’s relationship might take a little bit more priority than another person’s relationship with somebody, but each relationship should be separate and on their own and based on their own merit.

life and people are fluid, not everything is set in stone and if you’re going to get upset because you’re not getting your own way and because you’re not getting what you, think you deserve, well then you’re in for a world of hurt in the future.

I want to remember this when my boyfriend gets new interests, because I know it’s not if but when.. He is poly for gosh sake, because I want him to enjoy his life as much as I want me to enjoy mine, I when I worry less about what he’s doing and who with, I have more time to take care of myself which translates into me being a happier person and so much more to fun to hang around with, which means more time having fun with him and my friends LOL see a win-win.

Do I want to go on a trip with him and enjoy my time with him? sure do!! Do I “deserve” it? no, because I’m not here to earn anything other than my own happiness in this life and it’s taken me many many many years to finally start to get that.

Do I want to give my granddaughter everything in the world and my children as well,? Of course I do. Do they deserve, it well they work hard and they deserve the living and the life that they’re making, but do they deserve me going bankrupt to give them gifts, nope.

I love the BDSM lifestyle, my Daddy deserved my respect because he earned it before he passed away so he will always have it. My Maestre has earned my respect and submission, not because he just demanded it thinking that he deserved it because of a title we chose to give him. I do have to laugh when I see young dominant men demanding respect thinking that I should be there submissive when really all I want to do is kick their asses and make them beg for forgiveness.

You don’t deserve shit, you earn it in this life style. (I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this can you tell? LOL.) Mostly at work and in my life.

I’m never going to take for granted the good things I have in my life because I earned them not because I deserve them for just being here.

Once…

I I was joking around with my boyfriend that if I could have any plastic surgery in the whole wide world it would be to get my vagina entrance tightened. I’m not one of those girls that when a guy enters he says “oh my God you’re so tight,” not anymore anyway. I was once.

It was once tight, when I was between 4-5 years old before I lost my virginity to my 17 year old cousin.

I was always told stories about how when I was younger I had bladder infections really bad, it wasn’t until I was a teenager that my mom told me I had to go in and get half my bladder removed because of terrible infections when I was five and that in the process they also notice that I had some ripping down there and they sewed it closed a little bit, believing that maybe something happened but who would have thought abuse? I didn’t know that.

I was once tight, after I had my daughter, even though I ripped in 3 places and had to be cut from entrance to to top of my ass to help get her out of me. It was healing up nicely until my boyfriend at the time decided that two days, after giving traumatic birth, was enough healing time and he was tired of going without sex.

I’ll never forget walkin back into my doctor’s office to ask for another pregnancy test, to be restiched to stop the bleeding and the lecture I got for making bad choices.

Hell even after the birth of my second son I had no issues down there, until my then live in lover decided that I was a slut and needed to be treated like one. We won’t talk about that evening.

It’s been a long time and I know that I’m not the young beautiful tight thing I’ll never will be again, but my pussy doesn’t make me me it’s just part of me.

And I know it’s hard it is when we are having sex and it is easy to slide out of me because it feels so loose.

It’s not tight and for the longest time I was ashamed of that. I think there’s still a little part of me that is when I hear other girls brag about how tight they are down there and how men can’t wait to get inside of them.

But I’m 52 years old, I’ve had two children and you know what – – if all that matters is when a man slides inside of me it’s tight, then I’m really lacking something else and I’m not.

I learned ways to hold my body, and ways to please other than just an entrance. I have to remember that when I start to feel that little twinge of jealousy because I know my boyfriend likes all kinds of pussy, mine included, and if it was just because I had a tight one and no other reason, I doubt very much he would still be here or that I would still want him to be.

So here’s to us, the gorgeous grannies with loose pussies LOL may they be warm and soft always, tight when they’re angled at the right angle, and able to please and suck that cum out of your cock like the sweetest little whores we are!!!

Say what you mean and mean what you say, I wish I could tell my family that.

So these past two years have been a big learning experience for me.

I have learned that people are not mind-readers, that you have to speak up to get your needs met. I’m still working on that.

I used to always hope that somebody would ask me a question or ask me to go somewhere with them and then I would be upset because they didn’t ask me to go with them somewhere. Even though, actually, they didn’t even know I wanted to go because I also didn’t ask.

I spent a lot of time being upset doing silly games like this instead of just saying something while I grew up. But these last two years are really open my eyes because I’m a grown woman and if I don’t speak up, then I just have myself to blame.

I offered this really nice coat to my sister she said no she wasn’t interested, I even sent her pictures of the jacket she said oh that’s cute what size is it I said a 3 or 4 x and she just sent this little Emoji of the okay symbol.

I didn’t know what that meant was that she wanted the jacket. I thought she was telling me the jacket was cute, so I gave the jacket away. Now my sister and my mother are both mad at me because I did not know that my sister wanted the jacket. I offered to go get the jacket back and give the lady a different jacket, and my sister’s like no don’t worry about it don’t worry about me but my feelings are hurt.

I am offering a way of fixing it and she is still saying no, so she’s giving away her right to bitch about it for 10 years.

I also had to learn the hard way, if I say no it’s really going to mean no. I had a friend today asked me if I wanted a ride home from work- well in my mind I was like yes it’s raining, it’s cold, but I said no. She just looked at me and said okay, well enjoy walking home then.

That was not what I was expecting, I was hoping or expecting her either ask me again or tell me “yes I don’t mind” Which means I was trying to be manipulative. So I deserved that long cold walk home.

I’m also learning the difference between there is something wrong, and I am feeling a certain way that I need to work through,.

This morning at work A co-worker said what’s wrong, and I said nothing. The co-worker said well you look like you’re upset so what’s wrong, I was telling the truth nothing was wrong, I was just dealing with some stuff.

Just like last night, nothing was wrong… actually was pretty fucking perfect, but I had a moment where I just needed to deal with a little bit of jealousy. (And it’s actually not jealousy of an upcoming trip that my partner and his partner are taking, I am so happy they’re going to get some time alone together to relax and have fun. I know that I am loved and they’ll think of me with a smile, I think also knowing that he and I are going to take a trip soon makes it better.)

I knew it was an irrational moment of a touch of sadness over a blog, but it was nothing that was wrong. he made it so much better when he asked what’s going on, then I was able to actually just speak up, say it, and hear it all out loud so I would deal with the feelings over something trivial while it was still trivial in my mind, lol.

Who am i?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, lately.

I’ve always enjoyed sex, sex was fun, it was a way to get numb, it was who I was. But lately I’ve been growing and changing, I realize that sex isn’t everything. Yeah I’m 52 years old and finally admitting that sometimes I want more than to be sexual.

I’m really glad that I have a partner that understands that life changes and sometimes we want to be sexual and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes were fluid and sometimes we are solid.

I was with my first woman when I turned 40, it was fun I love the cuddling, I loved the kissing, and I loved the connection. I wasn’t too excited about the sex part but it went along with it and so I did it.

I spent my time swinging after that, enjoying playing with other women. Enjoying all the fun that came along with it but I don’t know if I was gay bisexual or just having fun.

I used to be proud that I was bisexual even though sometimes it only felt like guys wanted to be with me because I could bring another girl in. I put up with so many men saying wow I really like you, now what about your girlfriend, can they join us?

I truly believe I’m bisexual but lately, I’ve noticed that I’m really enjoying being asexual and or only sexual with a certain few people. I’m also learning that I really like to be dominant over men, it’s really fun. I want to learn more about that and I want to be submissive to one person, even if I’m poly, even if I’m a swinger.

Not that I want that one person to be all and end all in my life, nope! Nor that I will cut out my little side’s want of a Daddy Dom cuz those are awesome too, but right now, I guess I am craving that little bit of stability while growing back into my own again and discovering more about who I am.

My submissiveness is important to me and I think that learning more about my dominant side will help my submissive side trust more, lately I’ve noticed it’s kind of getting harder for me fall right into being submissive (but just the right look, hair pull, face slap, or Maestre’s hand around my throat and I am so there again. I like that and I want to experience that from the other side of the coin too) maybe that’s because I have to take care of myself so much it is hard to br taken care of, maybe it’s because I’m realizing who I am and what I want in my life, how I want it, I’ve never allowed my little side or submissive side to say no or just speak up, not since Paul anyway and now I am safe to, now I want to.

One thing my partner has taught me really well is that if I want something I have to ask for it, I have to say something. He’s not a mind-reader and no one else is either, so if I want it I need to speak up. Doesn’t mean I’ll get it but at least there won’t games around it and I’m so happy that he lets me be me with all my kinks, my flaws, and not knowing who I am some times while working on figuring that all out.

Today I found out that a former supervisor of mine told other supervisors that I was a lesbian, I don’t know why that pissed me off so much.

I’m pretty much out with the fact that I play for either team, and I would never ever want my daughter or my granddaughter hide who they are, but it pissed me off so bad just hearing that someone talked about me like that and I don’t understand why it made me so mad, but it also left me with a lot of questions.

I’m not going to be willing to stand up for myself, am I going to be willing to stand up for what I believe in, who I am, even if I’m still in the search to find out who I am? Or am I going to sit quietly in the shadows, not say what I want, not say what I need, and then bitch that I don’t get it.??

Not ok

I don’t know what it is about tonight, and I don’t know what started this spiral, but I’m laying here in bed and I have been for the last few hours unable to hardly breathe, my chest hurts my body hurts, my head won’t shut up.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a full-blown anxiety, panic attack and I think I’m right in the middle of 1.

I just want to go have a drink. I want to stop feeling this way and I know the only way I can do that is to walk through it, but right now it is so hard. I want to wake up my boyfriend and say come be with me, help me but I always prided myself on being able to do this and work through it and I just need to do that tonight. Nothing slamming him, me just being bullheaded. Oh my God this hurts.

But it’s stupid because I had an amazing day, I had a great time Friday I had a wonderful time today with friends so I am I feeling this way?

I know I know I need to spend more time away from Facebook, all of this stuff about the rapes that are going on are bringing up a lot of unsolved feelings and issues, stuff that I’ve never talked to anybody about, mostly the last one because it was my fault.

I’ve been thinking about going back on the phones again because it was a way to make money and every since I started thinking about it I felt so negative.

It’s kind of like a way to victimize myself again maybe and not think about all this stuff, I don’t know. I just know what I don’t really want to do it, but I also know that I need to make money,. Maybe I just want someone to tell me no don’t do it I have a lot of suggestions and a lot of people saying I don’t think it’s a good idea. But I don’t see any other way right now to help me make bills, I just wish I was strong enough to say no no you’re not going to do that, no.

hell, even thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

What is

What is sub drop? I know this very well I know that when we put all our energy and our focus into being a very good submissive during a very intense scene that sometimes afterwards, our bodies can be very tired. Our minds can be very exhausted, and we can crave attention and hugs a few days after that scene. What I also know is that I’ve learned it’s up to me to take care of that

I was telling a person that I thought I had a pretty good grip on my depression because I don’t talk about it, well why talk about it? There’s nothing anyone can do about it besides me. Sure sometimes I still lay in bed and wish I had someone to hold me but is that depression? Or is that just life?

I just deal with it because why share it? no one else is able to do anything about it. I don’t talk about why I’m pulling my hair out because right now, I don’t need help with it and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. the part that I like to pull is cut very short so that I can’t pull it out. But there is still still something that feels so good and relaxing about it, someday I might go get help but right now, it’s okay.

I didn’t talk about my eating disorder until it got to the point that I need to go ask for help but I still didn’t talk about it until I had to explain why I’m going to the classes.

What is the difference between just sad and being depressed? I’m just sad that someone I thought actually did read this blog told me he didn’t and I don’t know why that hurts me so badly.

In my heart I know im important but hearing that made me question, is what I say and feel important to anyone but me? and then I had to question why I’m asking that question, like it’s just a silly blog, no one would even know if I stopped doing it.

The scary thing is sometimes I question would anyone even know if I stop doing stuff, if I just went away- would they notice or would it be a really nice quiet moment?

Now that I believe is depression LOL, or it could just be sub drop starting and I don’t want to say anything because I should be strong enough to handle this or else I won’t get to be sub again.

That’s what I was always taught, if you can’t handle the drop on your own, then you can’t handle being a submissive. And that mindset is really hard to break.

The last time I had really bad sub drop I was able to call Daddy and he met me at a store, he held me in the back of his truck and he let me cry. let me talk about this feeling and now he’s not here anymore. I think this is probably my first beginning of a sub drop where he’s not here to catch me.

Which that means I have to rely on my communication skills that I’m learning I’ll understand that ask you for help or an extra hug doesn’t mean that I’m not a good submissive or that I can’t handle sub drop because I can. just sometimes I need a little bit extra help. Not very often though, I make a point of that.

But I also know I overthink things way too much and that’s my downfall. I need to stop doing that. I was so excited this last couple weeks because I have been dominated and it felt so good, my little side and my submissive side both felt like they belonged somewhere at the sametime , and then to be told by someone else that the ONLY reason I was being dominated was so that I didn’t feel neglected– I know that that was just a word in a sentence that didn’t mean anything but that was the word I picked up on the Only word.

I spent a few days questioning myself, questioning everything that felt so right, and then I decided screw it I don’t care the reasons behind it, all I care about is how it made me feel and it felt so good, so why am I supposed to or why do I want to, question motives when I’m not in that person’s mind. It doesn’t fucking matter why all that matters is that I really like it and it felt really good and I’m going to enjoy it, plus if that was the case–well it worked. I didn’t feel neglected at all, felt pretty damn special actually and still do!

Notes to my non-baked self

Dear Lois,

When you get back to a normal state, I hope you see this and know how adored you are by your friends and by the inside you too.

I know you are feeling lost right now, done with class and quit the phone job that you have done for 3 years, and I wish you knew that you walk with power when you believe in yourself.  I know you have always felt that you weren’t worth it, weren’t worth attention, but that is a damn lie that you have been telling yourself for years because you had a twisted belief of what love is and when those that thought you that belief went away to on to others- you let their blame onto yourself.  No you were not wroth that kind of love- YOU WERE THEN AND ARE NOW so much more than that toxic behavior.

That was the past and you have had enough people telling you what you have always craved hearing so when the fuck are you gonna put what you know into action? Questions are thoughts, thoughts that you can either answer or say nope not worth my time.

Stop over thinking and just listen to that heart of yours Do what you want to do and that makes you happy. Enjoy what you do and do what you enjoy. all that blah blah blah that you know really does fucking work.

Your place is right were you are and you are wanted there so stop asking and believe.

Live your fucking life with the full you and if they don’t like it- oh well,  Now- this baked off her ass girl needs to get to bed – Tomorrow is a new day and you get to face it head on!