What makes me me?

So tonight my handsome man asked me a question, it took me a while to realize how to answer it and  I’m still not sure of correct way to answer it.

“What was something in your childhood that made you who you are today?”

Where do I begin?  Do I begin as a cute little kindergardener  or first grade or second grader who thought life was wonderful and great; until she was introduced to “special games” and then she realized that the special games that her cousin was playing with her wasn’t just with he.  They were with her sister too. As time went on, they were their games and he no longer wanted/needed that sweet tarnished girl.

Or when I was that cute little girl that just wanted her step daddy to love her and he did love her. He loved her in his own special way. You see, he also taught her the value of money at the same time. You do something you don’t really want to and you get money for it.  She was too young to understand what that meant, but she understood that with the money, she could live out her fantasies and going to get chocolate bars and doing nothing but sitting on the deck watching the water go by

Do I go back to that sixth grader -seventh grader that decided life wasn’t worth living so she tried to kill herself three times? Or the teenager that just wanted to be liked? Or the teenager that got tired and found ways to deal with issues, in all the wrong way, but kept trying.

Or do I  go back to the woman that gave birth to a beautiful daughter and amazing son and realized that this life has so much to offer, she knows that there’s joy in every little thing.  we just have to look for it.

The woman that walked into a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and decided she was no longer going to drink, the woman that walked into a job with all these other strong women that taught me was okay to leave a man that really was going to hit me and really hurt me someday?

Or do I go to now? the woman that laughs, loves, giggles and is tearing down these walls because she’s 50 years old and she sick and tired of not knowing her own self-worth, she sick and tired of not standing up and saying I am f****** gorgeous and I  deserve a man that knows how gorgeous I am?

The woman I am today is a changing fluctuating woman that is learning so much about the poly Lifestyle by watching a loving couple. By asking questions and by allowing herself to be adored by very handsome man.

She not feel like she needs to question every little reason, every little word, that’s the woman that I want to grow into and I am.

It feels really good

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Author: gorgeousbiggirl

Exploring and enjoying life

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