I always knew I loved to serve, I loved to make people comfortable and to be of service. I also grew up with that wonderful (not) twist of having anxiety issues.
As I started down my path of discovering who I was as a submissive, I ran into a few men who consider themselves Doms.
Those are the men that could see the anxiety and liked to play with it. “You know you’re never going to be quite good enough, but I will keep yiu”.” You’re just not quite there yet” would be something that one of them would always say, leaving me question not only myself but my servitude. Was it really a gift if it wasn’t very good?
I was very lucky that I met Master Hawk when I did.
He took me under his wing and told me that no matter what I was always going to be good enough I was always going to be just Lois and that was fine. I didn’t have to be anyone else.
In the past few years I’ve been extremely lucky- I may have had some pretty crappy personal relationships with men, but the two lifestyle relationships I have been a part of had taught me that I am a wonderful person when I am just being me and letting all sides of me come out to play.
These men are both very important to me, but I don’t love them like I do my boyfriend/New Dom. I wasn’t planning on loving him, he was just going to be a coffee date and maybe a new friend. But he made me laugh so hard on that coffee date, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. It’s funny, I don’t kiss people right away and all I wanted to do was kiss him- I didn’t though, I was good girl.
We kept trying to go out on different dates and I kept having to cancel: A) my car wasn’t working B) I was too damn nervous because my damn anxiety was starting to kick in and I didn’t want to have to face it, but there was just something about this man and that made me willing to face it. I haven’t felt this way in a very long
I learned how to deal with my anxiety issues, it wasn’t an easy trip. First there was doctors then there was doctor’s medicines, that medicine screwed me up so bad. There were cuts, there were burns, there were illegal medicines.
And then there was a counselor, she told me to sit and put pen to paper and start writing just write, write, write-up until my soul felt like it was done crying. This counselor was amazing, we did so much talking, she taught me to face my anxiety issues head-on not to let them get the better of me. I wish I would have known her when I was a young girl but she came into my life when it was time.
So that brings me to today. I am in love with a wonderful funny caring kind man who also has a very dry sense of humor. We have started down the road of submissive and Dom, and I enjoy it so very very much
. But Here Comes The Twist, of course, I worry and I have such anxiety about not being exciting and a good addition to his poly life. I worry about being vetoed.
I worry about crap when all I have to do is be me, the wonderful, caring, fun girl that caught his eye- in other words … be just me.
When we switch into BDSM roles It feels so natural. It feels so good. I just want to keep that going, I know though that sometimes I need to double ask (like 3 or 4 times) are you sure this is what you want? when he’s already told me yes once and I’m becoming a pain.
D- I can tell you that I love you and you’re very important to me. I know you get tired of hearing that, but it’s true. I can also tell you, my submissive side recognizes you as her Dom and that is fucking powerful.
I will do my best to face anxiety head on and not to be a pain in your ass, but I’ll also talk to you about it – because I don’t want to screw up such a good thing.