This week has been a week of freakouts, tears, crying, love, and support.
It happened again tonight, memories I had buried so deep that they should have never been able to claw their way out found a crack and came screaming back in.
Before this last year I would have taken those painfilled memories and used them to justify external pain as a way to put them back in their place.
Memories of being a stubborn smart little girl that was so proud of herself. So sure the world was hers only to be broken with words and touches. To be used in ways a child should not be used. Left to hide those secrets deep inside of herself, to lose herself in order to forget those dirty little secrets.
They come rushing back in to destroy your peace as strong as the waves came rushing from the tsunami to destroy other’s homes. Knocking open all those doors you shut up tightly over the years to help you forget. But you never really forget do you? No matter how many doors in your mind you shut and lock, that wave always finds a way in.
All it takes is the sound of a child’s voice begging “no, don’t, that hurts” to get that wave started. It is all you can do to process and plan before your inner child screams out with her, and then you have to reminded yourself that you are ok, you will be ok, that you don’t have to have pain (self inflictted or other wise) to be ok…. this time.
This time you are a grown woman who can ask for help to walk through those triggering feelings and come out of that walk a strong humble lady that can handle what the world throws at her once again, but you do have to take that walk. No more hiding behind closed doors or allowing pain to numb you.