Memories 

She walks into her quiet house looking around,wishing it wasn’t so quiet. Wishing there were whispers of lust coming from the couch, moans of passion coming from the shower, screams of delight and pain echoing from the bedroom.

She walks from room to room touching surfaces and bringing back memories of wild sex in this spot, giggles of joy in that one, moans over there, screams over there. 

Her hand comes across the spot in the kitchen where he bent her over the dishwasher and took her hard from behind. One of his hands in her hair and the other around her throat as she was gushing all over his hard cock and down her legs. 

She smiles at that memory.

Walking into her bedroom she sit down on her soft bed and looks out the bedroom door way into the hallway leading out to her front door. 

 Not such a happy memory there, as her eyes well up with tears. She remembers the last time he walked out of that door feeling that he was upset with her. 

She lays back on the bed and slowly slides her hand down her body, allowing her mind to wander back to how it felt the 1st time he touched her body. 

She shivers as her fingertips touch her nipples and moans quietly as her nails scrape against them making them hard.

Her eyes shut as she continues to rub her nipples a little harder each time till she arches back and cums.

Her breath catches as she rides these waves of orgasm, remember each and every time he sucked and bit her nipples making her cum over and over again.

As her body relaxes, her fingertips start their trail back down her soft body to her sweet pussy. She loves the feeling over her soft pubic hair being pulled and played with, wishing these fingers were his working their magic like they always do.

She opens her eyes, picturing him over her looking g down smiling at her as she starts to rub her clit, a little harder with each stroke till she is moaning his name out loud and her heart pounds in her chest.

She cums with his name on her lips, his eyes in her fantasies, and her hand deep inside of her hot wet cunt.

This is the best way to relive memories but now she wants to make new ones, so she picks up that phone to message him.

 If she can’t have the real thing- at least she can have the best phone sex in town! 

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Emotional 

I woke up having a ton of fucking emotions and I just want to talk to you about them. I want to work through them to make sure that I am not just spiraling out of emotional control on my own because I feel like I am.

I know this and I always believed  it is my job as a strong lady to work it out and deal with it, don’t dear let some one know and ask for help because then I allow them in and to see I am weak too.   I also always know that I over feel, over care, over think and worry about becoming  a burden in my own mind, thus truly becoming one in real life.

But I am also your submissive and that means walking a fine line of becoming so dependent on you as my Dom,  that just a quick message back saying that you see me reaching out makes me feel like I am heard. 

Becoming dependent is something I did before and I became too dependent. I want to know how to be that submissive that I feel inside, that I know I truly am and yet keep this independence I have worked so hard for.

I backed off that morning, put my phone down and went and did things with my family knowing that I am loved,  not just by you but by so many and that, even though poly is hard sometimes,  I wouldn’t change it because of the joy I get when it just feel so right.

For so long in relationships I was so worried because I always heard “you could be replaced” and “that one person should meet all your needs” and it’s such bullshit,  but yet when I see someone else meeting your needs I worry that I’m never going to be enough and that’s okay,  because I’m not.  I’m never going to be enough to meet every one of your needs,  but I’m going to be enough to meet every one of those needs that I can.  I have to remember that to make good days good. 

Laying in bed this morning with your arms around me reminded me why I battle doubts about myself and poly and don’t just cut and run back to what I know, why i take the time to talk myself down from my thoughts and venture forward into the unknown. I look down at my bunny tattoos, see that I am jumping to conclusions and I am making up so many issues in my head that I believe them. 

I have a saying on my wall that says “when I tell you that I love you, it doesn’t mean I know you won’t ever go away, just that I wish you didn’t have to. ” I don’t know where this is going with new girls and that is so new to me, it is scary for me. 

I want to be the supportive girl friend I want to be fun and I want to be exciting and it actually does turn me on, 3 ways turn me on, but then the default kicks in I think ” but If he wants her he can’t possibly want me” fuck I hate that default. 

 I am tired of it, and I know it is bullshit.

I have been shoving that feeling down since my cousin chose to stop molesting me one day and my older sister was in the house instead. In my mind he chose her over me to share  that special time with and I don’t remember him touching me again after that day. He told me he loved me and I was special but after that day I was no longer special to him and he left.

 How fucked is that? How fucked up is it that I fear something happening to prove to me again that the default that was  created then is right?

  I don’t fucking want that. 

  I also know that I don’t want to take him for granted because I know he’s choosing to be here and one day,  he might choose to not be here. Hence the “I wish you didn’t have to” part of the quote.

 I can also  make that choice, and that is powerful to say that. I am not a victim. I am not that little girl any longer that has to be so afraid that the man I love is going to decide one day he no longer loves me because that crap was not love, it was abuse, this is love, as strange and scary as it is. 

And, I am a grown ass lady who has feelings, needs, and wants but no one is going to know what those are if I don’t open my damn mouth and talk about them.

Thank you for taking time to help me work through this and loving me through it all. 

Pretty fucked up

Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day. 

All week I have stepped outside of my balance,  my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do,  I really need some feedback if they were even ok.  if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if  they were disgusting or beautiful. 

 I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful  I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me,  on the inside,  goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need,  maybe that they weren’t really bad,  boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay. 

Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.

 I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.

 You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls,  you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear  that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex

Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.

I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious  if I know where the fences are,  I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free  in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me. 

Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.

 My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday. 

I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle.  I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!

Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me. 

I wanna…

It has been a long time since I have made love to a woman, sure there have been quick hook-ups to get off and 3-ways with a hot man joining us, but I mean truly made love to a woman, I crave that.

I crave this.

You know, the kind of night where everything is just right. You go out and you all laugh, you giggle, you enjoy the night and, you start to flirt. Slowly at first to just tease the waters, but then she starts to flirt back.

The giggles turn a bit naughtier, the laughs end in sighs, casual touches seem to linger longer on each others arms with your fingertips softly tracing across her skin as you slowly move your hand away.

The night out comes to a close and you drive her home, just to make sure she gets there safely of course. As you walk her up to her door, you crack a joke about how funny this must look- walking her up to her door like a date and she says “if this is a date, would it end here with a kiss?”  before she slowly brings her lips up against yours.

She takes your breath away with that kiss and before you know it you are pulling her closer to you and kissing her deeper. You hear her moan at the same time you feel her body shutter when your hand moves to her hair to pull her in and deepen the kiss.

It is all you can do not to grab her right there and rip that shirt off- but this is new, this isn’t just play, this is something more so you slow down. You take a deep breath and bite her lower lip. She moans in delight and pulls away. As you ask her what is wrong, she just smiles and unlocks the door.

You want her, you want her hands on your skin, her lips on yours, you want her so you slowly softly whisper in her ear that it has been a very long time and she just smiles at you as she pulls you by the hand into her bedroom.

You know the kind of night I am describing don’t you? Just thinking about it is making my panties so very wet.

I want to see her standing there, see that shy but yet brave look on her pretty face as we start to kiss and explore each other’s bodies for the first time. I want to hear her moans as I lay her down on the bed to take her skirt and panties off. I crave hearing the way she would groan as I slid between her legs to trace her pussy lips with my finger nails.

I miss seeing the way a woman shivers as I open up her lips to run my tongue along her clit, down to her sweat wet pussy and then back up to lick that clit a little harder. I get wet thinking about how wonderful it would feel taste her, to feel her body tense up as my fingers start to enter her and my lips wraps around her clit to suck on it gently.

I have to touch myself when I think about this lovely woman arching her back and screaming as she cums, squeezing my fingers tight as she is coating my face with her juices.

hummm, so close to cumming all over my fingers as I think about kissing up her body to those lovely breasts, wrapping my hands around them to hold them up to my mouth so that I can suck on each nipple. Making her squirm and start to beg for more.

I can’t tell you how badly I want to roll over on my side, slide my hand back into her pussy as we start to kiss, as her hand starts to roam down my body until her finger tips find my rock hard clit and starts to stroke it matching my hand on hers.

Oh I want her, I want her to cum with me. I want us to be kissing as she starts to lose the ability to touch me. I want to see her eyes slide shut as I reach into her toy box to grab the dildo, I want to her hear beg as I move between her legs, putting the toy between us and thrusting it deep inside of her as if it was my own living cock.

Grabbing her hair hard, I want to watch as she starts to lose control. My hips forcing my toy cock deeper and deeper inside of her, pounding harder and harder till she tightens up and shudders her cum flowing out of that wonderfully tight pussy and my cum flooding her sheets between her legs as we both cum so hard that our bodies start to float.

I want to lay there in her bed, my body against hers as we try to catch our breaths only to start giggling and kissing again.

Yes, that is what I am craving tonight- how about you?

Make love to me.

 

Meet me by the door when you come home after a long day at work.

Reach out and stroke my face with your fingertips before sliding your hand
around to the back of my neck to wrap in my hair as your other hand
reaches out to wrap around my throat.

Squeeze it tightly, you know how that puts me right into a wild
submissive state and you can already smell my body surrendering to your
desires.

Slide your mouth gently over my collarbone, graze it with your teeth.
Bring your lips up to my ear, whisper softly “tonight, you are all mine
bitch.”

Walk me into the bedroom, stand me there as you slowly take off my
clothes. Kissing each part of my skin as it is revealed to you. Take my
shoulders and push me down onto the bed so that your cock is even with my
mouth.

Lift my chin up with your fingers and smile at me as you slowly guide you
that gorgeous cock into my lips. Stand there and enjoy your own personal
slut as I worship your cock with my red lips and hot wet mouth.

Just as I am about to cum from from pleasing you, reach back to pull my
head back by my hair and tell me to lay back on that soft bed.

Run your fingertips down my body slowly, stopping every once in a while to
kiss where you touched.

Part my legs gently and run your tongue along my lips until I am begging
to please please taste me, at that moment dive in and eat this pussy like
it is your last meal on earth.

Own this clit with your teeth as your fingers start to enter me, look up
and see my eyes roll in the back of my head as my legs start to shake, my
ass tightens and I coat your face with my cum.

Smile down at me as you slide up my body and then side your cock deep
inside of my still clenching cunt. Moan as I start to lick my juices off
of your lips and then say no.

One hand holding my wrists down, one hand wrapped tightly around my
throat, you look down at me as you are deeply thrusting inside of me.
Stare at me as you growl out “Mine” and feel me cum once again even harder
all over your cock, balls, and thighs.

Hold me down tight as your words throw me over the edge, repeating then as
I scream out and ride the most intense orgasm of the night. Growl “Mine”
again right before you lean down to leave your bitemark deep on my chest
and cum deep in of me.

Hold me close as my eyes slide shut and whisper in my ear that you love me
as I drift off to sleep. Promise me next time you will mark every inch of
my body as yours with your belt and kiss me before tucking me in tightly
and leaving the bedroom.

I so adore you and every touch you leave on my skin.

Take me…..

Slide your hands in my hair, Kiss me deeply.

Push me down on to the bed and slide down between my legs, push them open with you with your hands and bring your lips down to mine.

Run your tongue up and over my sweet hard little clit, as you start  to slowly work your fingers up into my tight pussy.

Feel me gush as you continue to slowly finger fuck me, biting my clit til I scream and cover your face with my hot sticky sweet cum.

Bring your mouth to mine, kiss me deeply letting me taste myself on your lips as you slide your cock deep inside of this hot wet cunt, making me moan out in delight.

Look into my eyes as you make love to me and tell me I am yours. Bring my body to the point of no return as your balls tighten and your breath comes in gasps.

Wrap your hands around my throat as you bite my lips and call me your whore. Bite my cheek hard, marking me as your bitch while you coat my womb with your cum.

Lay your head down on my chest to catch your breath as your fingertips trace my lips. Hear me giggle as your fingertips move up to trace down my nose to the tip, laughing yourself as you make me breath deeply and feel my body shake in one last climax.

I love laughing with you, I love talking to you, I love sharing you with the ladies you also love because it makes you happy  and that makes me smile, but most of all I love you.

Today

Just not doing too good today,  I mean I know there’s nothing that anyone can do to make it a better day other than myself so I don’t say anything to anyone.

My car is down again, and I know it just going to take a little bit to fix it I just need to help to have someone fix it and I don’t know who to ask anymore, I know I can ask a friend but everytime I do he tries to touch me and grab me and kiss me I don’t want to be with him and I think I’m rude when I tell him no all the time. Mostly because he does help me with my cars. 

I bought a bike figured that way I can work out and get in better shape but it’s too big for me too tall I mean I’m too big for it. So need help taking it back to the store and once again that means I have to ask somebody for help I hate having to ask people for help I’m an independent strong woman and inside of me is this little girl who just wants to be held today and I’m loved and that things are alright. 

I don’t want to be seen as a whiny needy person because I can be seen that way, I just know that today I’m having a bad day and that it is up to me to make it a better day because no one else can.  unfortunately, today I just wish…..