Letter to a man with patience

So you have decided to start dating, wooing, flirting with a woman that was once with a narcissistic man.

I’m sorry. Please know that we get just as tired of saying that as you are going to get of hearing it, because you will. You will hear it a lot and you will get tired of i and we will get tired of saying it.

You can tell us 500 hundred times that we are good, we are beautiful, we are loved and yet- we will keep a watchful eye for the moment that changes so we can be prepared for what may come.

We wish we could just relax and laugh at your teasing jokes but see- those jokes that most find cute and funny, we got used to hearing them in a totally different way.

We have the guard up no matter what and it so isn’t about you at all.

We may want to play with you, we may enjoy your time and we may fall deeply deeply in love with you, what ever this relationship may be come- it is important to us and we are so afraid we are going to destroy it with our insecurities we we try so damn hard to be perfect and what you need- but yet don’t want to loose ourselves in another relationship yet again.

Thank you for seeing through our walls and remembering that we need an extra touch of care, mostly when you are chasing new dreams and paths.

Some days we are so confident and somedays we feel like no one truly sees us.

We love and thank you, you see we know this is not easy for you because somewhere deep inside of us, no matter how much we don’t want it to show, there is still that damaged piece of us

That damaged piece keeps repeating that we’re not good enough, we don’t deserve this- it’s hard to get that voice to shut up sometimes because that was the voice that came through in jokes and snide remarks, it was that voice that made us wonder every day if something was going to be different, would today be the day he was going to hit me? Because it would be better to be hit than to be ignored or looked down upon because of who we are, or to be laughed at for being stupid.

Dear patient man, we thank you because we know that you’re not that man, you’re not the person, who put that broken part there but you are the man that has to deal with it because you love us. and it’s not fair to you, we know that. But we thank you so much for just loving us and laughing with us and being there with us when that damage side starts to poke through a little bit.


Bi polar

When I say I’m bi I mean it more than one way unfortunately.

Of course I mean it the conventional way I love women as much as I love men, okay maybe not as much, but I do enjoy women very much.

The something I’m having to face is the fact that I’m also bipolar and I haven’t done anything about it in a very long time.

I haven’t taken medicine for it since 2008, when we were trying out new medicine left me a zombie, it left me with no sex drive, and it left me more suicidal than I was ever before in my life. Lithium cause me to lose the best job I’ve ever had in my life. Flexar cost me feel like I was relapsing on coke, and Paxil made me want to jump out in front of a truck because the colors in my head were so beautiful all night long. I didn’t get any sleep.

So I stopped taking medicine then started doing self care i e either burning myself, overeating, or going into a beautiful new phase of losing weight, walking, enjoying life.

Doing what I could to calm down my happy manic side so that I wasn’t so worn out that I could still handle when the bad parts came I could be ready for them.

But lately, with everything that is going on at work and in my life with the move and being away from my family, I’ve noticed that I haven’t been handling it very well.

My manic side takes over so hard lately that I get so excited, so happy, the sex is beyond amazing and I feel amazing, even when I am up at 2:00am waiting for the pot I just smoked to hit in and help me go back to sleep and my mind is wound up so tight that I wish I could just shut it off but yet wish I could tap into this and save it for my down time.

And the down side does come, when my depression starts it’s really getting bad again also.

Like crying for no reason when I should be happy, like bothering my boyfriend with so many freakin texts that even I get sick and tired of hearing my own bing, but yet I keep doing it, a spending money that I don’t have on clothes that I don’t need and then wondering how I can take them back.

And even if he won’t anything or even if it isn’t happening- in my mind I know that it’s affecting my relationship. Because I go from so excited that he’s meeting a new person and that he’s going to meet her and be happy and enjoy the day to being so worried that he’s no longer going to want me because I’m not what she is, even though I’ve never been what she is, I’m only what I am and he likes that, hell he even loves it.

It makes me so tired and I know it has to him to, when he can’t deal with all of this shit and shouldn’t have to.

I just want to be on a more level playing field in my mind and with my emotions. But do I go back to trying all the different meds and doing that dance I am scared of doing again? Us it really going to be better than the road I am on now?

It is almost 3 am, I feel like getting up to clean my house to burn off all this extra energy, but I know I need to harness this energy in and get some rest so that when I go to work today I can keep it together and keep it calm.

So that today when I message my boyfriend I only do it one time to say good morning and I wait to hear back I don’t keep bothering him.

So that today in case the crash starts I’m ready for it.

So I’m going to call the doctor today. I’m going to go back in and actually talk to them and see what we can do now and if it’s any better than what it was all those years ago,.

because right now, I have to tell you- a hot burning knife looks so good. I don’t ever want to hurt myself again just to enjoy and excape pain, mostly not since I have an amazing Maestre that can give me such beautiful pain, but it is so tempting so days.

It’s 3 a.m. and I just wish I could go back to sleep.

Huts so good…

So many people that are starting in BDSM talk about being a “pain slut”, but there is so much more to being a masochistic pain slut than just enjoying a spanking.

I have the pleasure of both being a pain- loving masochist and playing with one. I love both sides of that coin and there is so much more to learn as I grow in my life as a sweet sadist.

I loved the way the cold metal of the cuffs bit into her wrists, watching as her eyelids grew heavy while her breathes quietly came in small gasps. I loved the way her body shivered slightly as she anticipated the next blow of leather against her sweet sweaty skin

My clit tingled as I watched her tongue dart from her pretty little mouth to taste the tear that touched her lip. That sweet salty intoxicating taste of pain that wrapped her body up in heaven.

I heard her gasp louder as she heard my whip rise up and watched her body twitch as she felt the wind just a fraction of a second before it’s leather fangs sunk into her delicate soft skin.

My cunt became soaking wet as her head fell back, her body swayed at the force of my whip, and her mouth opened wide in a silent scream. I wanted to hurt her more as her body surrendered to the molten burn of my whip and she started begging for more.

I stood back and watched with immense pleasure as her body slumped against it’s bindings and her my flew freely into subspace. She looked so stunning as her eyes fluttered under their closed lids, her tears ran freely down her face and that wicked evil little laugh of hers started, telling me that she was ready to be taken down off of the cross and held till she came back down to earth in my arms.

I was in heaven holding her and she, she is my sweet true masochist that feeds every evil part of my soul.

Wanna play?

I know I do, I want to see that gleam in your eyes while you pull you belt out of the toy box and tell me to get my ass on the bed.

I love the way you breathe in deeply as you bring your amazing leather down on my ass. I crave the way your belt slaps against my skin making me scream in delight.

Crave feeling your hands around my throat taking my breath away with the fading light and dull thud of my blood slowly pausing on it’s trip to my brain and the way you smile as you remove your hand and life comes rushing back in.

Letting my eyes slide shut as I feel your hands sliding down my body, tears starting to well up as I feel your teeth close around my nipples and you start to nurse the sweet milk out of my breasts as hard and as fast as you can. Nursing even harder as I start to beg you to stop, as I squirm and try to move out of the way. Only to lose the battle and soak the bed with my cum as you suck even harder.

My legs shake as you grab me by the hair, force my head up to kiss you as you order me to “roll the hell over bitch”

When you make love to me

I love it when you make love to me.

When you lay me down on the bed and slide your body up next to mine.

When you run your fingers through my hair to wrap it tightly in your fist.

When you pull my head back hard.

When you take my breath away as you wrap your hand around my throat.

When you watch my eyes slide shut before you slap me across the face to bring me back to you.

When you whisper in my ear “No, my little slut, we are not doing this tonight” as you take your hand off of my throat, slide it down my chest to
wrap it around my breast and lower your lips down to kiss my mine.

When you slowly draw me into your kiss, making our hearts beat in time and our breaths coming in small rapid gasps.

When you lift your head up to look in my eyes, smile at me as you slide your fingers between my soft pussy lips to tease my clit until I am moaning.

When you start to bite my neck as my cum coats your fingers, sliding your teeth against my skin as you slide your fingers deep inside of me, holding
on tight as I thrash through my orgasm, softly marking me as one of yours as my body shakes and starts to calm.

When you kiss me deeply as you slide your fingers out of me and bring them up to my mouth to lick clean.

When you moan in my ear as you feel my tongue worship your fingers as if they were your lovely cock.

When you stare in my eyes as you slowly push your cock so deep inside of me, hearing me gasp as my soft cunt opens up even wider to accommodate
your thick cock.

When you feel me tense up as you slowly make love to my body, as you open up doors in my heart and allow my demons to try to rebuild walls so that
you can crush them down with each strong slow stroke of your cock deep inside of me.

When you guide me through my fear of being intimate as your body leads mine into ecstasy.

When you hold me tight as you suckle on my nipple and your cock starts to throb inside of me in time with my inner walls squeezing you tight.

When you moan against my breast as your cum fills my womb, marking me as your inside of my wonderfully tingling body as eyes slide shut and “I love you” slides out of your lips.

When you wrap me in your arms as the giggling starts and subsides into deep sleeping breaths.

When you wake me up with your cock down my throat, your hand deep inside of my pussy, and calling me your wet cunt, dirty bitch, fucking cum whore who craves a good hard beating and that is just what I am going to be getting before you are done with me.

Oh I love it when you fuck me.


I’ve known since little girl I’ve always been intense.

This last year has shown me that sometimes it’s okay to stop being so intense, mostly these last few days.

I have been learning alot about myself,  not all because I wanted to but because I want this relationship, these friendships, and my path that I am on right now to continue in the right ways. 

I love in full, I have always believed in the fairy tales of how when you fall in love you feel complete and “the one” will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

 I could never understand why relationships didn’t work for me, why each one that ended badly left me scared to try the new one on.

 I could never understand why relationships that did work longer were with married men who wanted to own me but also wanted me to go see others. 

Those relationships ended because I fell too hard and craved more attention,  but didn’t know then what I am learning from my bf now- that the attention I crave can and should come from me 1st. 

Why does learning have to hurt so much sometimes? 

To hear him be honest with me about not missing me as much as I miss him brought back memories of Larry telling me that he needed to end our affair because I was in too deep and that I gave up my own fun life to be available for him whenever.  I thought that is what one did as a girlfriend but also as a submissive.  Yes, it hurt hearing that but yet – made me want to spend sometime figuring out why I felt like I missed him so much, I mean- I don’t want a full time live in lover, I want this, I want the freedom this relationship gives me.  

Think when I say I miss him it isn’t me saying I want him around all the time not living his own life, or saying that I don’t feel connected to him, it is I miss the connection we have when we are alone together, laughing, going to the movies, kissing, and having amazing sex.  I guess what I should say next time I want to say that is what I miss doing or want to do again.  Instead of I miss you – I want to hold your hand at the movies again when we can please. 

I do not want to have history keep repeating itself in order for me learn and improve. I started down that path again and this week really opened my eyes. 

I want him to miss me when we can’t see each other,  but not because I keep telling him I love and miss him; I want him to want me in his life, but not because I act like I can’t live without him, but because I know that I can.  That I know I am not entitled to anyone’s time or feelings, but that I do love getting to be part of them. 

So where do I go from here? 

I learn that my love doesn’t lessen any by flirting and seeing others, it didn’t in the beginning of this relationship so why would it now? actually it seems to make it deeper because I get out of the mind set that he is “be all”  and I give the poor man a break from all the pressures of dating me when I am being needy and clingy.  That is a good thing. 

But I also learn and remember that giving both of us space is a good thing. He isn’t Paul, he doesn’t need to know my every thought or every little thing I am doing, but at the same time he is my Maestre, and I take that part very seriously,  so I do still want to clear things with him, I want him to have the power of some decisions in my life as my Dom. and there is the fine line I am learning to walk. 

I have a feeling a good sit down discussion is needed again so I can better understand that line of Dom/sub and Boyfriend/girlfriend because I want them to work for the both of us, both as partners and as separate people again. I love being with him and having him in my life. 

I don’t want to lose him as either of those things in my life and I don’t want to lose the person I am becoming so growth is necessary…. Yet again lol, but I love this life so it is worth all the growing pains 

Little one 

I’ve been meaning to post for quite a while but work has gotten extremely stressful and I’ve just been paying attention a lot more to that when I would like to.

 I’ve also been thinking about this post for awhile,  most of all day it seems. There’s so much I want to say in this post and yet there’s so many feelings I don’t want to deal with right now.

What if I open up this can of worms and it hurts so bad that I don’t want to be alone tonight?  but I am so maybe I shouldn’t blog, but hey what the fuck  I’m higher than a kite so I might as well get all these feelings out right?

**Warning – bad language, child abuse issues – read with care**

Christmas was amazing. I spent it with my kids.  I laughed so much,  I saw my other grand baby too! 

 Christmas Eve I got to spend it with my daughter,  her husband,  my boyfriend and his wife,  and my grandbaby.  It was so much fun.

We ended the evening with the three of us (boyfriend,wife and I) , cuddled up on the couch and the grandbaby cuddled up on our laps playing games, laughing and watching a movie.  It felt amazing, felt like something I’ve been missing for a very long time.

I was a single parent, my children’s fathers were not around, I also never allowed any boyfriends to be around my children except for one. Rob and I used to sit on couches and cuddle while holding my daughter and my son and watching TV together. But after he decided to quit using pot,  he went nuts and try to kill me,  twice,  so he was out the door and I never trusted anyone to be around my children again with me. 

I don’t know if it was a combination of that and also of being hurt as a child, but I didn’t want anyone around my kids, trust is an bit of an issue for me, can you tell? 

Anyway another thing that happened yesterday is I found out the girl that used to be my step sister passed away on the 8th. She had a very very hard life. 

I told my little sister yesterday that I have no memories of when I was little but had some of the stepsister. Well this morning some of that changed. I woke up from the most intense dream of my gbaby being touched in very bad ways(not by me) and as I laid there to process it, memories came rushing back.  They came storming back. 

I was a little older than my gbaby, but not yet in 1st grade when my older cousin would lay with me on his lap under the covers on the couch. When he put his fingers on me, in me, when he would hurt me but say it was ok because I liked it and a bit of hurt was good and it was our fucking secret. 

I sat on one end of the couch one day when my aunt was in and out of the room and he had hid big toe inside of me. It was our fucking secret and she did not even fucking notice. 

I was a little fucking girl when he put that balloon on his finger and he said he was going to put it inside me and it was going to hurt, but remember its okay because pain is it’s how we care.  It wasn’t his fucking finger he put that balloon on and it wasn’t his fucking finger that he put inside of me, this morning all of those feelings came rushing back after that dream,  all of that pain, and how he said I was his favorite girl. 

I was a God damn mother fucking little girl, I was cute, I should have been allowed to stay fucking cute. I was a sweet innocent kid, not yet the slut I would grow into being. 

That fucking asshole took away all of that, but the worse was yet to come because, hey he told me he loved our little games, our little fucking secrets, ours, I was fucking special to him- that is until the day I tried to go into his trailer one day and the door was locked but I could hear him and my older sister talking. She came out later and I knew I wasn’t the special one after all. 

 This is what made me feel worthless and hatred to my older sister, a feeling that showed up later in life when my step-dad decided that in the 3rd grade that I had a pretty mouth and was a little slut so why not use it. When I heard her knock on the bathroom door to hear her ask him if he knew where I was while I was trying not to throw up crying and gagging. I never gagged again after that day, not even when he would come into my room and filled my mouth while she slept in the next bed. I had to be oh so very good and quiet. 

I was a little fucking girl, I was a quiet shy fucking cute little girl who loved every one and everything with so much joy you mother fucking worthless pieces of shit. I should have been able to stay a fucking little girl.  I should have grown up safe.

 I hate you both so much. I hate that I have minimized this so much because I thought that I really had it better than most girls I know, and while that is true, I also just used that as an excuse to hide how I felt/feel.

I fucking hate them but sometimes I really hate myself because I didn’t make it stop,  I didn’t tell anybody til it was too late,  I didn’t and worse yet there’s this part of me inside now that wishes I could go to my cousin,  I could grab him by the back of the head and I could kiss him.  I can run my hand down his pants I could shove his cock inside of me and show him how much I’m better now that I’m older, and I could beg him to let me be special and cute again like I used to be.  

Oh gosh I feel like a sick bitch just admitting I have had that thought in the past, usually it was followed by a sweet stinging slice, a deep burning burn to the skin till you could hear a quiet sizzle, or a nameless fuck in a sloppily sliding inside of me before getting up to walk our my door, leaving me laying there numb and reaching for a bottle.

It has been a very long time since I have allowed myself behave that way,  but it is really raw tonight since that dream, and my inner little girl is pissed off!  tonight I can say those words,   I can admit it, and I can just leave it on the floor where it belongs because it’s a bullshit thought,  it’s a bullshit feeling. 

And it’s bullshit that I have a hard time living my fucking life and enjoying my grandbaby being that cute innocent little girl I once was you mother fucking assholes that I hope rot in hell, I am tired of being your fucking victim and I am fucking tired of letting my fucking insecurities run fucking rampant. 

I was a sweet innocent girl once, that may have went away but I will be damned if I let you fuckers win by not believing I am special in my own way and my own life any longer.