When I say I’m bi I mean it more than one way unfortunately.
Of course I mean it the conventional way I love women as much as I love men, okay maybe not as much, but I do enjoy women very much.
The something I’m having to face is the fact that I’m also bipolar and I haven’t done anything about it in a very long time.
I haven’t taken medicine for it since 2008, when we were trying out new medicine left me a zombie, it left me with no sex drive, and it left me more suicidal than I was ever before in my life. Lithium cause me to lose the best job I’ve ever had in my life. Flexar cost me feel like I was relapsing on coke, and Paxil made me want to jump out in front of a truck because the colors in my head were so beautiful all night long. I didn’t get any sleep.
So I stopped taking medicine then started doing self care i e either burning myself, overeating, or going into a beautiful new phase of losing weight, walking, enjoying life.
Doing what I could to calm down my happy manic side so that I wasn’t so worn out that I could still handle when the bad parts came I could be ready for them.
But lately, with everything that is going on at work and in my life with the move and being away from my family, I’ve noticed that I haven’t been handling it very well.
My manic side takes over so hard lately that I get so excited, so happy, the sex is beyond amazing and I feel amazing, even when I am up at 2:00am waiting for the pot I just smoked to hit in and help me go back to sleep and my mind is wound up so tight that I wish I could just shut it off but yet wish I could tap into this and save it for my down time.
And the down side does come, when my depression starts it’s really getting bad again also.
Like crying for no reason when I should be happy, like bothering my boyfriend with so many freakin texts that even I get sick and tired of hearing my own bing, but yet I keep doing it, a spending money that I don’t have on clothes that I don’t need and then wondering how I can take them back.
And even if he won’t anything or even if it isn’t happening- in my mind I know that it’s affecting my relationship. Because I go from so excited that he’s meeting a new person and that he’s going to meet her and be happy and enjoy the day to being so worried that he’s no longer going to want me because I’m not what she is, even though I’ve never been what she is, I’m only what I am and he likes that, hell he even loves it.
It makes me so tired and I know it has to him to, when he can’t deal with all of this shit and shouldn’t have to.
I just want to be on a more level playing field in my mind and with my emotions. But do I go back to trying all the different meds and doing that dance I am scared of doing again? Us it really going to be better than the road I am on now?
It is almost 3 am, I feel like getting up to clean my house to burn off all this extra energy, but I know I need to harness this energy in and get some rest so that when I go to work today I can keep it together and keep it calm.
So that today when I message my boyfriend I only do it one time to say good morning and I wait to hear back I don’t keep bothering him.
So that today in case the crash starts I’m ready for it.
So I’m going to call the doctor today. I’m going to go back in and actually talk to them and see what we can do now and if it’s any better than what it was all those years ago,.
because right now, I have to tell you- a hot burning knife looks so good. I don’t ever want to hurt myself again just to enjoy and excape pain, mostly not since I have an amazing Maestre that can give me such beautiful pain, but it is so tempting so days.
It’s 3 a.m. and I just wish I could go back to sleep.