Bi polar

When I say I’m bi I mean it more than one way unfortunately.

Of course I mean it the conventional way I love women as much as I love men, okay maybe not as much, but I do enjoy women very much.

The something I’m having to face is the fact that I’m also bipolar and I haven’t done anything about it in a very long time.

I haven’t taken medicine for it since 2008, when we were trying out new medicine left me a zombie, it left me with no sex drive, and it left me more suicidal than I was ever before in my life. Lithium cause me to lose the best job I’ve ever had in my life. Flexar cost me feel like I was relapsing on coke, and Paxil made me want to jump out in front of a truck because the colors in my head were so beautiful all night long. I didn’t get any sleep.

So I stopped taking medicine then started doing self care i e either burning myself, overeating, or going into a beautiful new phase of losing weight, walking, enjoying life.

Doing what I could to calm down my happy manic side so that I wasn’t so worn out that I could still handle when the bad parts came I could be ready for them.

But lately, with everything that is going on at work and in my life with the move and being away from my family, I’ve noticed that I haven’t been handling it very well.

My manic side takes over so hard lately that I get so excited, so happy, the sex is beyond amazing and I feel amazing, even when I am up at 2:00am waiting for the pot I just smoked to hit in and help me go back to sleep and my mind is wound up so tight that I wish I could just shut it off but yet wish I could tap into this and save it for my down time.

And the down side does come, when my depression starts it’s really getting bad again also.

Like crying for no reason when I should be happy, like bothering my boyfriend with so many freakin texts that even I get sick and tired of hearing my own bing, but yet I keep doing it, a spending money that I don’t have on clothes that I don’t need and then wondering how I can take them back.

And even if he won’t anything or even if it isn’t happening- in my mind I know that it’s affecting my relationship. Because I go from so excited that he’s meeting a new person and that he’s going to meet her and be happy and enjoy the day to being so worried that he’s no longer going to want me because I’m not what she is, even though I’ve never been what she is, I’m only what I am and he likes that, hell he even loves it.

It makes me so tired and I know it has to him to, when he can’t deal with all of this shit and shouldn’t have to.

I just want to be on a more level playing field in my mind and with my emotions. But do I go back to trying all the different meds and doing that dance I am scared of doing again? Us it really going to be better than the road I am on now?

It is almost 3 am, I feel like getting up to clean my house to burn off all this extra energy, but I know I need to harness this energy in and get some rest so that when I go to work today I can keep it together and keep it calm.

So that today when I message my boyfriend I only do it one time to say good morning and I wait to hear back I don’t keep bothering him.

So that today in case the crash starts I’m ready for it.

So I’m going to call the doctor today. I’m going to go back in and actually talk to them and see what we can do now and if it’s any better than what it was all those years ago,.

because right now, I have to tell you- a hot burning knife looks so good. I don’t ever want to hurt myself again just to enjoy and excape pain, mostly not since I have an amazing Maestre that can give me such beautiful pain, but it is so tempting so days.

It’s 3 a.m. and I just wish I could go back to sleep.


Little one 

I’ve been meaning to post for quite a while but work has gotten extremely stressful and I’ve just been paying attention a lot more to that when I would like to.

 I’ve also been thinking about this post for awhile,  most of all day it seems. There’s so much I want to say in this post and yet there’s so many feelings I don’t want to deal with right now.

What if I open up this can of worms and it hurts so bad that I don’t want to be alone tonight?  but I am so maybe I shouldn’t blog, but hey what the fuck  I’m higher than a kite so I might as well get all these feelings out right?

**Warning – bad language, child abuse issues – read with care**

Christmas was amazing. I spent it with my kids.  I laughed so much,  I saw my other grand baby too! 

 Christmas Eve I got to spend it with my daughter,  her husband,  my boyfriend and his wife,  and my grandbaby.  It was so much fun.

We ended the evening with the three of us (boyfriend,wife and I) , cuddled up on the couch and the grandbaby cuddled up on our laps playing games, laughing and watching a movie.  It felt amazing, felt like something I’ve been missing for a very long time.

I was a single parent, my children’s fathers were not around, I also never allowed any boyfriends to be around my children except for one. Rob and I used to sit on couches and cuddle while holding my daughter and my son and watching TV together. But after he decided to quit using pot,  he went nuts and try to kill me,  twice,  so he was out the door and I never trusted anyone to be around my children again with me. 

I don’t know if it was a combination of that and also of being hurt as a child, but I didn’t want anyone around my kids, trust is an bit of an issue for me, can you tell? 

Anyway another thing that happened yesterday is I found out the girl that used to be my step sister passed away on the 8th. She had a very very hard life. 

I told my little sister yesterday that I have no memories of when I was little but had some of the stepsister. Well this morning some of that changed. I woke up from the most intense dream of my gbaby being touched in very bad ways(not by me) and as I laid there to process it, memories came rushing back.  They came storming back. 

I was a little older than my gbaby, but not yet in 1st grade when my older cousin would lay with me on his lap under the covers on the couch. When he put his fingers on me, in me, when he would hurt me but say it was ok because I liked it and a bit of hurt was good and it was our fucking secret. 

I sat on one end of the couch one day when my aunt was in and out of the room and he had hid big toe inside of me. It was our fucking secret and she did not even fucking notice. 

I was a little fucking girl when he put that balloon on his finger and he said he was going to put it inside me and it was going to hurt, but remember its okay because pain is it’s how we care.  It wasn’t his fucking finger he put that balloon on and it wasn’t his fucking finger that he put inside of me, this morning all of those feelings came rushing back after that dream,  all of that pain, and how he said I was his favorite girl. 

I was a God damn mother fucking little girl, I was cute, I should have been allowed to stay fucking cute. I was a sweet innocent kid, not yet the slut I would grow into being. 

That fucking asshole took away all of that, but the worse was yet to come because, hey he told me he loved our little games, our little fucking secrets, ours, I was fucking special to him- that is until the day I tried to go into his trailer one day and the door was locked but I could hear him and my older sister talking. She came out later and I knew I wasn’t the special one after all. 

 This is what made me feel worthless and hatred to my older sister, a feeling that showed up later in life when my step-dad decided that in the 3rd grade that I had a pretty mouth and was a little slut so why not use it. When I heard her knock on the bathroom door to hear her ask him if he knew where I was while I was trying not to throw up crying and gagging. I never gagged again after that day, not even when he would come into my room and filled my mouth while she slept in the next bed. I had to be oh so very good and quiet. 

I was a little fucking girl, I was a quiet shy fucking cute little girl who loved every one and everything with so much joy you mother fucking worthless pieces of shit. I should have been able to stay a fucking little girl.  I should have grown up safe.

 I hate you both so much. I hate that I have minimized this so much because I thought that I really had it better than most girls I know, and while that is true, I also just used that as an excuse to hide how I felt/feel.

I fucking hate them but sometimes I really hate myself because I didn’t make it stop,  I didn’t tell anybody til it was too late,  I didn’t and worse yet there’s this part of me inside now that wishes I could go to my cousin,  I could grab him by the back of the head and I could kiss him.  I can run my hand down his pants I could shove his cock inside of me and show him how much I’m better now that I’m older, and I could beg him to let me be special and cute again like I used to be.  

Oh gosh I feel like a sick bitch just admitting I have had that thought in the past, usually it was followed by a sweet stinging slice, a deep burning burn to the skin till you could hear a quiet sizzle, or a nameless fuck in a sloppily sliding inside of me before getting up to walk our my door, leaving me laying there numb and reaching for a bottle.

It has been a very long time since I have allowed myself behave that way,  but it is really raw tonight since that dream, and my inner little girl is pissed off!  tonight I can say those words,   I can admit it, and I can just leave it on the floor where it belongs because it’s a bullshit thought,  it’s a bullshit feeling. 

And it’s bullshit that I have a hard time living my fucking life and enjoying my grandbaby being that cute innocent little girl I once was you mother fucking assholes that I hope rot in hell, I am tired of being your fucking victim and I am fucking tired of letting my fucking insecurities run fucking rampant. 

I was a sweet innocent girl once, that may have went away but I will be damned if I let you fuckers win by not believing I am special in my own way and my own life any longer. 

Getting in shape is not easy

Damn exercise. Damn it to hell. I loved it before getting sick and now that I am better, it is time to work out again. I just can’t seem to get my movation back even though I try every night.  I miss hearing that I am a good girl or doing a good job, but I know I am doing this for myself and the results do pay off, I just need to do this and push thro the cramps. 

I have so many feeling cropping up and have been working so hard not burdening my boyfriend with them, but missing him, not just sex either (as great as it is!). Just missing the laughter and cuddles. 

But I’ll see him and laugh with him again soon 🙂 and as much as he gets tired of hearing it, I so look forward to it! It is so fun spending time with him. 

Last week an old playmate texted me, wanting to be topped. I hate that he only messages me when that itch needs scratched but it was nice to catch up with him and it was fun to dust off my Domme even if it was just over text. Forgot how good it feels to have someone beg. But the same as before, he gets his craving and runs off, however – I have to say it feels pretty fucking awesome knowing that he knows who to call when that itch gets too strong. 

I enjoy being submissive, but damn sometimes it is so fun telling someone what to do and how to do it!!!  I am so going to have to do more Domme calls!!! 

Ahhhhhhh yes

Some times a submissive needed to be held, kissed, cuddled and reassured. 

Sometimes  a good submissive needs a touch of a a reminder that they really are a good sub even when life gets overwhelming and they haven’t felt very submissive lately. 

And sometimes, a stubborn feeling submissive needs to be reminded of her place (head down ass up), her mission (to bring pleasure), and that her Maestre is serious about her loving herself and taking care of herself while following his directives. 

This submissive needed all of those things today and yet got so much more!   

My sense of inner balance has been off for the past few days (weeks) and try as I might I just could not find that inner peace I needed to right it. 

Today I was handed that inner peace through leather and steel caresses followed by tears and giggles. 

You can read me so very well :), thank you Maestre 

Water pills

The first time I’ve heard of water pills, I heard that if you want to lose a lot of weight,  you should take them.

Of course, I thought “why not I’ll just take a few and see what happens. I did loose some weight but was a peeing machine! So I stopped taking them and have been losing weight healthier. I did discover however that, within the last year, my right leg is getting a little out of control with the weight. 

I went to the doctor and she said said that I need to start being very careful and exercise more!  

so I started taking the water pills again and actually the pump went quite a bit down; however,  I’ve been a slacker and it’s time to start taking them again so I can get this under control. 

Yep that’s my oh-so-sexy leg, but you can see where that fatty watery build up is. It is bothering me  and that’s what I really want to work on this month!!! 

And,  for the fun of eating right once without having to remind myself why this change is a good thing, I had oatmeal for breakfast with apples/raisins.  it was so good and so yummy!

Lunch was a subway spinach salad and man, I so have to just start making my salads fress from home. The spinach was ready to turn old and for the love of Pete, how much dressing to you think is needed??? I swear they wiped all the goodness of that salad with two huge squirts of virgerette dressing!!!! 

Still not great with my walking because my knee still hurts but my friend is coming to spend the day tomorrow at a fair and I will walk damn it!!! 

I hope you are all well, please leave me some love!!! Lol

Food journal of a slacker… 

So in my quest to get healthy, I started eating right and exercising as well as walking! I could feel the weight start to come off but then started slacking big time. 

So this me narking myself off to my Maestre…

 I haven’t been doing a great job lately. Sure, I could use the excuse of the doc told me to slow down untill my heart exam came back clear, or that I really have crappy ass shoes that hurt my feet so bad I avoid walking, or I could just be truthful and say I am slacking and it is totally on me. 

Yes, I do miss videoing the exercises to show that I really did do them, but I am a grown ass woman and should be accountable to myself and my health 1st and then my Maestre. 

So time to be accountable, even if that means coming on here and tracking my workouts!!!! 

Living with others that purchase the food in the house makes it hard to stay focused on eating what I need to to be burning this fat and finding work out time is nearly impossible with them home – but I have a bedroom so that blowes that excuse right out of the water. 

But today is a new day and no time for excuses, I have a walk coming up in September thst I need to start getting ready for and a full movie that I plan on being fucked over the ottoman for the full damn thing!!!! 

One thing I haven’t slacked off on was eating breakfast and lunch. I have been sticking pretty steady to the oatmeal and fruit in the am’s 

and Subway spinach salads for lunch with dressing on the side, but maybe a little too much processed meat. 

I do need to go shopping and start making these at home. The price I pay for these everyday adds up and I  really need to start saving for my house and for a trip that I want to take in a few years. 

Dinners, on the other hand have been sucking and that’s been my downfall. Fried Chicken strips and really not healthy food, stuff that I need to stop being around. 

My body feels it tonight too!! I could not wait to go to bed, but when I got in here I was freezing and then hot and then freezing again. I guess this is what I get for being mean to my boyfriend when he said he was sick oops. 

 But, I really do need to start taking care of Maestre’s property again as well as honor myself and by becoming a hottest ass  GIF and the healthiest GIF I can be giggle!!!!! 

So let’s kick this weight in the ass,  jump start myself working again on being healthy and…. welcome to my journey,  I hope that by posting on here, where I know that he will read it, also will help me stay accountable to myself and to my Maestre. 

Communication in poly relationships 

When i first started down this path in this new relationship,  I was told,  and had read, that one of the most important things in a relationship is communication.  

I knew my skills sucked but didn’t realize how badly until the last few days. I feel like I let stress take over my life and then expected my boyfriend to make me all better on date night,  getting pissy when he couldn’t read my mind. 

He tries so very hard to make sure we all know we are loved equally and I can’t thank him enough for that and for all he does for us. It can’t be easy at all! 

I thought being a woman loving a poly man was hard sometimes, but yesterday,  and last night,  I got to see what being that poly man was like – somewhat. 

That is a position I don’t know if I would have the mental calmness to take on and it really can’t be easy with a ditzy chick that worries about almost everything and has such damn insecurity that she has let it interfere with just about every relationship she has been in! 

We found a book at the book store one day, “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” he pointed out that I so need that book to help balance myself out and after the last few days I can’t agree more. 

I do let myself dive into myrterism and then whine and complain when I don’t feel my needs are important to others, how can they be when I tell others they aren’t? 

I saw this quote this morning after I got in from my long drive home, 

“The world will not put a value on you greater than you value yourself,” 

Boy,  how true us that? He keeps showing me I have value and I keep denying it, even tho I do know it is true. I have so much value not only as a mom  grandma, girlfriend, but also as a woman and a person, I know these things,  so why I become a toxin person and spill crap all over the people I love? 

I love how a dearest lady told me that from now on she will just knock me upside the head next time she sees it coming on!!! 

I am such a lucky lady, but damn so so can’t wait to get to feel his teeth on my skin again soon.