Chris Cornell and suicide 

I’ve been thinking about Chris’s death lately and,  while we will never know for sure all of the reasons why,  I have to say I really agree with his family about the meds he was on maybe having some influence on his decision to end it all. 

Having depression is really hard at times, it’s hard to explain to somebody how one day you can feel wonderful the next day you don’t feel like you’re worth anything in the world, even though you know you are. 

It’s hard to hear people say “pull up your bootstraps”  “just do it”  “you got this”  when all you can think is that you’re  just a burden.

 To those people who used to part of my life and who used to say those things (and when I would try to tell them that has nothing to do with putting on those pants or those boots– they would just say while I’m doing tough love on you)  what have to say to you is  f*** you and I say that very politely. 

I remember when I used to go to counseling and they put me on Paxil, I had the most wid dreams. Dreams like being on PCP. God help you if you forget one day of your pill because it’s amazing if you don’t drive off a cliff wondering what the hell you’re doing and why are you still here. 

After playing with doses and amounts, they changed me to a different antidepressant, oh this one was a killer. If I wasn’t angry,  I was crying. If I wasn’t crying,  I was laying in bed wondering why I wasn’t crying. 

There was no way I’d have sex while on it, hell I didn’t even know I was a woman any longer. I had no cravings what so ever ( no, Dev, I can’t get back on that, you will just have to suffer with me wanting your body all of the time) and that killed me. 

I realized that – if you took it for 3 days and then skipped it for 2 and took it for 3 more, it was just like you were on coke!  My son called me out on that one, that I was relapsing by abusing my medicine that way. 

 I stop taking it cold turkey and within a week I felt like me again I felt normal, I was laughing but yet the doctor still needed to make sure that I was okay because I was not dealing with my depression the way I should have been dealing with it

In walked lithium. Oh the doctors liked that one. So did my desire to be numb. It was like committing suicide without having to commit suicide.  I just had to sit and float because that’s all I did on it. I lost the best job I ever had in my entire life up until the one I have now due to being so brain dead. 

 I was doing so many risky things with my life (I am so lucky that I was never raped or killed by a nameless man) and really fucked my life up for a while that I begged to just stop. 

I got off of all meds but weed, there still days sometimes I cry a lot and there’s some days I laugh a lot but I’m alive today and that’s what counts

 Yea,  I still have anxiety.  Yeah,  I still get depressed sometimes and if I could find a doctor that knew how to give me the correct medicine that could take care of me I would probably go back on to help with the anxiety, but talking, journaling, working through issues are helping so much more than the wrong meds. 

I just feel so bad for his kids because I know what it is like to grow up with a father that killed himself. 

That is one of the many many reasons I am glad I was so good at failing back during those days of trail and error and did not succeed,  because I never want my kids to have to grow up with that doubt that they were never good enough to stay around for. 

# Maybe he doesn’t hit you

I haven’t talked about this much, hell, my boyfriend knows more about what happened between Paul and I than my family that witnessed some of it, even more than my children know. 

How do you tell your children that you stayed somewhere because it was easy, it was easy to stay there and put up with everything because you didn’t feel like you were  worth anything else than him, better than him? 

I love this article because it really helps bring home the fact that I wasn’t as bad as he told me I was. I didn’t need him as much as I thought I did. 

  It has been over 4 years since I walked out his door, since I left his collar laying on his pillow. There were many nights in the first year that I had wished I could have gone back because I truly believed that I was the one who had something wrong with them, not him. 

 As sick & as twisted as it was,  there were a lot of times I wished I could have made it work because, hey at least he didn’t hit me. If only I had tried harder, if if only I didn’t need him as much as I had thought I did. 

I told people that he quieted my soul I really do believe that was true in the beginning.

We met online and everything he said was everything that meant so much to me. I thought we really clicked well.  You see, it was right after Tim had gotten so sick and went back to his ex to be with her during his treatments so maybe Paul just came in at the right time I truly believe that he listened to what I had to say I just didn’t know that he listened to what I had to say that so that he could use them against me.

 I moved in with him a week after being with him for the first time,  I should have known something was wrong when he wouldn’t make love to me. He got upset because I got too wet when he touched my clit and he said my smell was too strong.  He was so pissed that I got his sheets wet. We-no I – needed to get right up and wash the sheets. That is the day the verbal abuse started, but I didn’t know that is what it was, I just thought he was telling me how he felt. He was, he felt that I was less than him and I should have seen that red flag waging. 

6 months, that is how long we lasted. 6 months of me making all his lunches,  but me skipping them because I was too fat. 6 months of me sitting quietly in the living room from the time he went to bed until it was time for me to go to work, not watching his TV because I was too dumb to operate it and I couldn’t nap because I snored and woke him up. 

6 months of coming home from work every Sunday afternoon to kneel down in front of him to suck his cock as he watched home filmed cyber porn. If I started to get turned on he would make me stop, calm down, and then get back to making him cum. Once I was done making him cum, I would get up and get dinner started. The one time I asked if I could please go into the bedroom and use our glass toy to make myself cum he did not talk to me for the rest of the evening. 

 We would shower separately and go to bed, it was my responsibility to stay awake until he fell asleep so that I didn’t keep him awake with my snoring. I would try so hard, I would bite my hand to stay awake, and if I failed… He would wake up, yell at me, and kick me out of the bed to go sit in the living room in the dark till he went to sleep. 

I worked so hard to please him that I forgot about myself. 

 Maybe it would have been better if he had hit me, then they would have realized what was going on and got out of there, but he never did until the day he almost did. 

My friend’s mom died and he would not go with me to the funeral; my same friend got married and he would not escort me to the wedding, said he had something more important to do that day, so I went alone. 

During the reception, Larry came down to see me. He said I looked so beautiful with my hair up and red dress on. We made out in the hotel parking lot during the reception. That was the 1st time I gave in to temptation. It was also the 1st time I came in months. I felt beautiful, I felt wanted. 

I got home after the wedding to walk in on Paul sitting in front of his computer jerking his cock to some skinny skankey young thing getting fucked, he just looked at me and said to get down where I belonged like a good slut since I already looked like one I might as well be one. I felt so numb that night, used and tossed aside like nothing. I wish he would have hit me. 

We tried counseling, on the 3rd visit, the counselor told me to get out before it was too late for me, all my friends told me it was already too late, and my family started checking in on me every day but I didn’t understand why until after I left.

Why did I stay? Because everyday he told me he loved me. He told me that,  even though I was replaceable, he didnt want to. He said he wanted me. 

So what did it take for me to say enough and walk out that door? It was a combo of things: 

it was when Tim called me in February 2013to ask to see me again and I told him no because I was scared what Paul would do if he found out I saw him, and I was scared what Tim would say when he saw how large I had gotten. Tim told me his cancer was back and he wasn’t going to fight it this time. I went to Paul that night to be held and was told no, he had to get up early and did not want to deal with me. I wish he would have kicked me out of his house. 

It was when I found the sex toys wrapped up in the top drawer where they did not belong and they had been used by someone, but not us. I found out later he used them on a man. I wish I had had the balls to confront him about it. 

It was when I came home from work so excited that I was going to be a grandma, and his reaction? ” great another unwed mother bringing in yet another bastard into this world”  I wish he would have died that night. 

The final straw was nothing huge, not really by then. The men that had loved me before all begged me to leave him before it was too late. I had told one of them I wanted to leave, to please come get me on Tuesday, after he went to work. 

Monday night I was picking a sore on his back and hurt him. He turned around with such hatred in his eyes, his fist was raised and I don’t even remember what he said. I was so scared. 

But Tuesday morning he was so loving and sweet,  he played with my clit for the 1st time in 6 months. 

I texted my friend and said don’t come. I wanted to stay and try to make this work out. He said he was so sorry for scaring me, that he would never truly hurt me. 

 My friend was so pissed off, but he loved me enough to say ok.  He loved me enough, that when I called him in tears after Paul came home ftom work for lunch and called me so many bad naughty things while telling me to just leave, make everyone’s life better without me in it, to come over and move me the hell out of there. 

I still have issues from this experience, I am insecure, I worry that what I say and what I do will never be good enough and why should it be, when I wasn’t. 

If you are in a relationship where all your friends feel like they need to beg you to open your eyes and see what is happening to you, please listen to them. Please at least hear what they say and know that they love you.  

If you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feed your soul, that makes you feel less than or that you feel like you need to watch every little step you take- then you may need to take a quiet look at that relationship and ask yourself why you are there. I know I wish I had earlier than I did. 

But I did and even though I still have trust issues, it is so worth it. 

Weber online

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It is important to note that domestic violence does not always manifest as physical abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence. Lack of physical violence does not mean the abuser is any less dangerous to the victim, nor does it mean the victim is any less trapped by the abuse.

So proud. 

This time last yr I was about 420, ok so I still like the 420 this yr too – but last yr it was pounds. I was sleeping with/totally intwined with a married man who I thought had his wife’s blessing and believed he loved me, and so so insecure that a week vacation would have had me spinning. 

This year I have a kick ass job that I love. I have an amazing geekard of a boyfriend that I love and who really does love me, I am following directions!!! And last time I stepped on a scale, I was under 380 lbs. 

I still struggle with anxiety, but with lots of friends and my Maestre, I can feel those feelings, honor them, and then work thro them!!! 

 Yesterday I felt so alone, realizing it was because I cut back on messaging him while he is on his vacation and that felt like I had cut my own heart out plus made me feel alone.

Today is a much better day! I guess cuddling with kitty cats will do that 🙂 

Breakfast today- spinach and feta wrap with egg white 

aAnd yummy lunch– turkey and tators

Day 2 of healthy eating while Maestre is away

Today was a good day for food I stuck to my diet really well I also have over 4000 steps in close to 4400. 

I am so proud of myself that I’m sticking with this even though I can’t share the pictures with him this week but I know that he’s going to look on here and,I know he will be proud of his girl,  I’m proud of me that’s for sure!!! 

So dinner is over and it’s about time to do some leg exercises right now I am up to 8 double leg lifts 15 single wig loose and 15 leg lifts to the side not to mention my stretching exercises 

it’s been a really good day and that little message this morning saying hi made my heart soar. 

Oatmeal and fruit for bfast!!! 

A big turkey breast and spinach salad!!!! 

Yummmmy beef and vegetables. 

Food diary day one pics 

So boyfriend,(my Maestre 💖), and I are working on myself improvement and every day I send him pics of two healthy meals I must eat. 

He is out of town this week with his beauty and his beloved so I thought I would start the daily postings here for him to see. 

Hummm breakfast – yeap the fruit and protein smoothie!!!! (wish his cream was my protein lol) 

Lunch… Yeap a spinach salad with extra veggies and veggies 

And my steps today– 4135 🙂 

Just a little twisted up at times. 

We are known to  constantly second guess ourselves, distrust our own instincts, over analyze every word said (and unsaid)( Huh Dev?) not see our own worth, cut ourselves down as a joke, and never take a compliment.  

It is not because I want to be that way, I truly do not. 

I always fought not to be seen as a victim of my past, it is what it is, but I find myself in love with a truly amazing man and walls have came down, allowing him all the way in, and quite a bit of all these feelings are rushing back  demanding they be faced and destroyed. 

And I am doing it, not because I love him but because I love me.  Because I deserve being loved by him, by others, but mostly by myself above all.

 Thank you for being patient with me and my growth Maestre. 

Feeling gorgeous 

It isn’t always easy to believe but today I did.

 I went out and I walked and I walked and I walked,  I visited friends and I ate such healthy food that I think my body might be throwing a fit soon because it’s not used to it. 

Today I do feel gorgeous and I’m so thankful that our handsome man/my Maestre (Hi Devon!!!)  keeps calling that because it feels so good to have a special name also 🙂 one that I am starting to feel