Ahhhhhhh yes

Some times a submissive needed to be held, kissed, cuddled and reassured. 

Sometimes  a good submissive needs a touch of a a reminder that they really are a good sub even when life gets overwhelming and they haven’t felt very submissive lately. 

And sometimes, a stubborn feeling submissive needs to be reminded of her place (head down ass up), her mission (to bring pleasure), and that her Maestre is serious about her loving herself and taking care of herself while following his directives. 

This submissive needed all of those things today and yet got so much more!   

My sense of inner balance has been off for the past few days (weeks) and try as I might I just could not find that inner peace I needed to right it. 

Today I was handed that inner peace through leather and steel caresses followed by tears and giggles. 

You can read me so very well :), thank you Maestre 

Water pills

The first time I’ve heard of water pills, I heard that if you want to lose a lot of weight,  you should take them.

Of course, I thought “why not I’ll just take a few and see what happens. I did loose some weight but was a peeing machine! So I stopped taking them and have been losing weight healthier. I did discover however that, within the last year, my right leg is getting a little out of control with the weight. 

I went to the doctor and she said said that I need to start being very careful and exercise more!  

so I started taking the water pills again and actually the pump went quite a bit down; however,  I’ve been a slacker and it’s time to start taking them again so I can get this under control. 

Yep that’s my oh-so-sexy leg, but you can see where that fatty watery build up is. It is bothering me  and that’s what I really want to work on this month!!! 

And,  for the fun of eating right once without having to remind myself why this change is a good thing, I had oatmeal for breakfast with apples/raisins.  it was so good and so yummy!

Lunch was a subway spinach salad and man, I so have to just start making my salads fress from home. The spinach was ready to turn old and for the love of Pete, how much dressing to you think is needed??? I swear they wiped all the goodness of that salad with two huge squirts of virgerette dressing!!!! 

Still not great with my walking because my knee still hurts but my friend is coming to spend the day tomorrow at a fair and I will walk damn it!!! 

I hope you are all well, please leave me some love!!! Lol

Food journal of a slacker… 

So in my quest to get healthy, I started eating right and exercising as well as walking! I could feel the weight start to come off but then started slacking big time. 

So this me narking myself off to my Maestre…

 I haven’t been doing a great job lately. Sure, I could use the excuse of the doc told me to slow down untill my heart exam came back clear, or that I really have crappy ass shoes that hurt my feet so bad I avoid walking, or I could just be truthful and say I am slacking and it is totally on me. 

Yes, I do miss videoing the exercises to show that I really did do them, but I am a grown ass woman and should be accountable to myself and my health 1st and then my Maestre. 

So time to be accountable, even if that means coming on here and tracking my workouts!!!! 

Living with others that purchase the food in the house makes it hard to stay focused on eating what I need to to be burning this fat and finding work out time is nearly impossible with them home – but I have a bedroom so that blowes that excuse right out of the water. 

But today is a new day and no time for excuses, I have a walk coming up in September thst I need to start getting ready for and a full movie that I plan on being fucked over the ottoman for the full damn thing!!!! 

One thing I haven’t slacked off on was eating breakfast and lunch. I have been sticking pretty steady to the oatmeal and fruit in the am’s 

and Subway spinach salads for lunch with dressing on the side, but maybe a little too much processed meat. 

I do need to go shopping and start making these at home. The price I pay for these everyday adds up and I  really need to start saving for my house and for a trip that I want to take in a few years. 

Dinners, on the other hand have been sucking and that’s been my downfall. Fried Chicken strips and really not healthy food, stuff that I need to stop being around. 

My body feels it tonight too!! I could not wait to go to bed, but when I got in here I was freezing and then hot and then freezing again. I guess this is what I get for being mean to my boyfriend when he said he was sick oops. 

 But, I really do need to start taking care of Maestre’s property again as well as honor myself and by becoming a hottest ass  GIF and the healthiest GIF I can be giggle!!!!! 

So let’s kick this weight in the ass,  jump start myself working again on being healthy and…. welcome to my journey,  I hope that by posting on here, where I know that he will read it, also will help me stay accountable to myself and to my Maestre. 

Communication in poly relationships 

When i first started down this path in this new relationship,  I was told,  and had read, that one of the most important things in a relationship is communication.  

I knew my skills sucked but didn’t realize how badly until the last few days. I feel like I let stress take over my life and then expected my boyfriend to make me all better on date night,  getting pissy when he couldn’t read my mind. 

He tries so very hard to make sure we all know we are loved equally and I can’t thank him enough for that and for all he does for us. It can’t be easy at all! 

I thought being a woman loving a poly man was hard sometimes, but yesterday,  and last night,  I got to see what being that poly man was like – somewhat. 

That is a position I don’t know if I would have the mental calmness to take on and it really can’t be easy with a ditzy chick that worries about almost everything and has such damn insecurity that she has let it interfere with just about every relationship she has been in! 

We found a book at the book store one day, “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” he pointed out that I so need that book to help balance myself out and after the last few days I can’t agree more. 

I do let myself dive into myrterism and then whine and complain when I don’t feel my needs are important to others, how can they be when I tell others they aren’t? 

I saw this quote this morning after I got in from my long drive home, 

“The world will not put a value on you greater than you value yourself,” 

Boy,  how true us that? He keeps showing me I have value and I keep denying it, even tho I do know it is true. I have so much value not only as a mom  grandma, girlfriend, but also as a woman and a person, I know these things,  so why I become a toxin person and spill crap all over the people I love? 

I love how a dearest lady told me that from now on she will just knock me upside the head next time she sees it coming on!!! 

I am such a lucky lady, but damn so so can’t wait to get to feel his teeth on my skin again soon. 

Sweet little spot.

I have my own private little space, my own private little spot, it is all mine and no one else shares it. 

I am sure many can see it, but only a few truely know for sure and even less would ever say something- even if they thought they knew, some times I wish they would see me. 

Sometimes I wish they would ask, but then I would just lie to them and blow off their worries, because that spot is mine and mine alone. 

I MAY share it and let you touch it, but you will never own it like I do. 

When I want to escape, be in control, go to a happy zone all I have to do is look down.

 It hasn’t been touched for a while now but when I want to feel better, I just have to run my finger along side of it and it sends chills up my spine. 

That spot has been well used and, even though I say I dont need to go there, I don’t need to play with it,  I know I will give in and play with it again someday soon. I feel the pressure building and sometimes just need the release playing in that spot brings.

There are many different ways I can touch that spot. 

Many different little touches that feels so good. 

Plus, where it is- I always have a way of saying “oops I accidentally touched it again” and no one (except for one, I am sure he notice) would question me upon glancing at it. 

Now that I no longer work in a kitchen, it has been a whole lot harder to blow off questions though. I do miss that waffle iron.

It used to be how I coped when I didn’t think I could, but they also serve as a reminder that I am too damn strong to let things make me feel lost today even when I don’t feel like I am.

I miss touching my spot somedays but it is mine and I can run my fingers over it and remind myself that it is right there waiting for me to comeback and visit it anytime I wish.

Chris Cornell and suicide 

I’ve been thinking about Chris’s death lately and,  while we will never know for sure all of the reasons why,  I have to say I really agree with his family about the meds he was on maybe having some influence on his decision to end it all. 

Having depression is really hard at times, it’s hard to explain to somebody how one day you can feel wonderful the next day you don’t feel like you’re worth anything in the world, even though you know you are. 

It’s hard to hear people say “pull up your bootstraps”  “just do it”  “you got this”  when all you can think is that you’re  just a burden.

 To those people who used to part of my life and who used to say those things (and when I would try to tell them that has nothing to do with putting on those pants or those boots– they would just say while I’m doing tough love on you)  what have to say to you is  f*** you and I say that very politely. 

I remember when I used to go to counseling and they put me on Paxil, I had the most wid dreams. Dreams like being on PCP. God help you if you forget one day of your pill because it’s amazing if you don’t drive off a cliff wondering what the hell you’re doing and why are you still here. 

After playing with doses and amounts, they changed me to a different antidepressant, oh this one was a killer. If I wasn’t angry,  I was crying. If I wasn’t crying,  I was laying in bed wondering why I wasn’t crying. 

There was no way I’d have sex while on it, hell I didn’t even know I was a woman any longer. I had no cravings what so ever ( no, Dev, I can’t get back on that, you will just have to suffer with me wanting your body all of the time) and that killed me. 

I realized that – if you took it for 3 days and then skipped it for 2 and took it for 3 more, it was just like you were on coke!  My son called me out on that one, that I was relapsing by abusing my medicine that way. 

 I stop taking it cold turkey and within a week I felt like me again I felt normal, I was laughing but yet the doctor still needed to make sure that I was okay because I was not dealing with my depression the way I should have been dealing with it

In walked lithium. Oh the doctors liked that one. So did my desire to be numb. It was like committing suicide without having to commit suicide.  I just had to sit and float because that’s all I did on it. I lost the best job I ever had in my entire life up until the one I have now due to being so brain dead. 

 I was doing so many risky things with my life (I am so lucky that I was never raped or killed by a nameless man) and really fucked my life up for a while that I begged to just stop. 

I got off of all meds but weed, there still days sometimes I cry a lot and there’s some days I laugh a lot but I’m alive today and that’s what counts

 Yea,  I still have anxiety.  Yeah,  I still get depressed sometimes and if I could find a doctor that knew how to give me the correct medicine that could take care of me I would probably go back on to help with the anxiety, but talking, journaling, working through issues are helping so much more than the wrong meds. 

I just feel so bad for his kids because I know what it is like to grow up with a father that killed himself. 

That is one of the many many reasons I am glad I was so good at failing back during those days of trail and error and did not succeed,  because I never want my kids to have to grow up with that doubt that they were never good enough to stay around for. 

# Maybe he doesn’t hit you

I haven’t talked about this much, hell, my boyfriend knows more about what happened between Paul and I than my family that witnessed some of it, even more than my children know. 

How do you tell your children that you stayed somewhere because it was easy, it was easy to stay there and put up with everything because you didn’t feel like you were  worth anything else than him, better than him? 

I love this article because it really helps bring home the fact that I wasn’t as bad as he told me I was. I didn’t need him as much as I thought I did. 

  It has been over 4 years since I walked out his door, since I left his collar laying on his pillow. There were many nights in the first year that I had wished I could have gone back because I truly believed that I was the one who had something wrong with them, not him. 

 As sick & as twisted as it was,  there were a lot of times I wished I could have made it work because, hey at least he didn’t hit me. If only I had tried harder, if if only I didn’t need him as much as I had thought I did. 

I told people that he quieted my soul I really do believe that was true in the beginning.

We met online and everything he said was everything that meant so much to me. I thought we really clicked well.  You see, it was right after Tim had gotten so sick and went back to his ex to be with her during his treatments so maybe Paul just came in at the right time I truly believe that he listened to what I had to say I just didn’t know that he listened to what I had to say that so that he could use them against me.

 I moved in with him a week after being with him for the first time,  I should have known something was wrong when he wouldn’t make love to me. He got upset because I got too wet when he touched my clit and he said my smell was too strong.  He was so pissed that I got his sheets wet. We-no I – needed to get right up and wash the sheets. That is the day the verbal abuse started, but I didn’t know that is what it was, I just thought he was telling me how he felt. He was, he felt that I was less than him and I should have seen that red flag waging. 

6 months, that is how long we lasted. 6 months of me making all his lunches,  but me skipping them because I was too fat. 6 months of me sitting quietly in the living room from the time he went to bed until it was time for me to go to work, not watching his TV because I was too dumb to operate it and I couldn’t nap because I snored and woke him up. 

6 months of coming home from work every Sunday afternoon to kneel down in front of him to suck his cock as he watched home filmed cyber porn. If I started to get turned on he would make me stop, calm down, and then get back to making him cum. Once I was done making him cum, I would get up and get dinner started. The one time I asked if I could please go into the bedroom and use our glass toy to make myself cum he did not talk to me for the rest of the evening. 

 We would shower separately and go to bed, it was my responsibility to stay awake until he fell asleep so that I didn’t keep him awake with my snoring. I would try so hard, I would bite my hand to stay awake, and if I failed… He would wake up, yell at me, and kick me out of the bed to go sit in the living room in the dark till he went to sleep. 

I worked so hard to please him that I forgot about myself. 

 Maybe it would have been better if he had hit me, then they would have realized what was going on and got out of there, but he never did until the day he almost did. 

My friend’s mom died and he would not go with me to the funeral; my same friend got married and he would not escort me to the wedding, said he had something more important to do that day, so I went alone. 

During the reception, Larry came down to see me. He said I looked so beautiful with my hair up and red dress on. We made out in the hotel parking lot during the reception. That was the 1st time I gave in to temptation. It was also the 1st time I came in months. I felt beautiful, I felt wanted. 

I got home after the wedding to walk in on Paul sitting in front of his computer jerking his cock to some skinny skankey young thing getting fucked, he just looked at me and said to get down where I belonged like a good slut since I already looked like one I might as well be one. I felt so numb that night, used and tossed aside like nothing. I wish he would have hit me. 

We tried counseling, on the 3rd visit, the counselor told me to get out before it was too late for me, all my friends told me it was already too late, and my family started checking in on me every day but I didn’t understand why until after I left.

Why did I stay? Because everyday he told me he loved me. He told me that,  even though I was replaceable, he didnt want to. He said he wanted me. 

So what did it take for me to say enough and walk out that door? It was a combo of things: 

it was when Tim called me in February 2013to ask to see me again and I told him no because I was scared what Paul would do if he found out I saw him, and I was scared what Tim would say when he saw how large I had gotten. Tim told me his cancer was back and he wasn’t going to fight it this time. I went to Paul that night to be held and was told no, he had to get up early and did not want to deal with me. I wish he would have kicked me out of his house. 

It was when I found the sex toys wrapped up in the top drawer where they did not belong and they had been used by someone, but not us. I found out later he used them on a man. I wish I had had the balls to confront him about it. 

It was when I came home from work so excited that I was going to be a grandma, and his reaction? ” great another unwed mother bringing in yet another bastard into this world”  I wish he would have died that night. 

The final straw was nothing huge, not really by then. The men that had loved me before all begged me to leave him before it was too late. I had told one of them I wanted to leave, to please come get me on Tuesday, after he went to work. 

Monday night I was picking a sore on his back and hurt him. He turned around with such hatred in his eyes, his fist was raised and I don’t even remember what he said. I was so scared. 

But Tuesday morning he was so loving and sweet,  he played with my clit for the 1st time in 6 months. 

I texted my friend and said don’t come. I wanted to stay and try to make this work out. He said he was so sorry for scaring me, that he would never truly hurt me. 

 My friend was so pissed off, but he loved me enough to say ok.  He loved me enough, that when I called him in tears after Paul came home ftom work for lunch and called me so many bad naughty things while telling me to just leave, make everyone’s life better without me in it, to come over and move me the hell out of there. 

I still have issues from this experience, I am insecure, I worry that what I say and what I do will never be good enough and why should it be, when I wasn’t. 

If you are in a relationship where all your friends feel like they need to beg you to open your eyes and see what is happening to you, please listen to them. Please at least hear what they say and know that they love you.  

If you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t feed your soul, that makes you feel less than or that you feel like you need to watch every little step you take- then you may need to take a quiet look at that relationship and ask yourself why you are there. I know I wish I had earlier than I did. 

But I did and even though I still have trust issues, it is so worth it. 

Weber online

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It is important to note that domestic violence does not always manifest as physical abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence. Lack of physical violence does not mean the abuser is any less dangerous to the victim, nor does it mean the victim is any less trapped by the abuse.