Mistaken

The last few days I have been so proud of the marks my Maestre left on my body, it wasn’t until today that I realized I didn’t have something to be proud of, that I was mistaken.

That was a punishment, these are marks from a punishment that did not leave him proud of me.

Yes, it was done out of love but they were not left with pride and knowing that hurts worse than the punishment itself, and God that hurt. This is the guidance I have been seeking and now that I have it, I want to learn from it as much as I can, but I also want him to be proud of his submissive and I want to be proud of me.

I do not know why I dislike my body as much as I do. I keep thinking if I was just smaller, but in reality I would still have older saggier tits because that is the way my body is. Sure, I can exercise and tighten my body up some, but this is me.

But I do not want to dishoner my Maestre’s choices and he really does seem to enjoy this body. That is a good thing.

I need to stop using other peoples approval of my body or approval of me, make or break my day or faith that I am so worthy of many great things.

I apologize Maestre for deserving that many swats, and for letting myself doubt take me to a place where I need to see these punishment marks everyday to remind me that I really am worthy of feeling pride and worthy of his pride in my submission and in me as a person.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me on this journey of self discovery and self love.

I will never lie to him and tell him I am proud of a certain body part on me, so I had better step the hell up and work on loving that body part so that when he does ask, I don’t have to hymn and haaa my way out of the question but can answer with pride.

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Getting closer- a day in pictures

No bra and panties this time, just my body. Had an amazing lesson in loving myself yesterday and I still have some more work to do, but I also need to focus more on loving and building up others as well.

I love myself today no matter what!!!

Day 33- it fucking fits

There is this dress, it is one of my dream dresses.

When my daughter got married, I wore a cute black dress. It fit- but just barely, I loved it but pretty much knew I’d never wear it again, so when I had my dearest lady friend try it on, and looked sooooo good in it, I gave it to her!! She looks stunning in it!

But then I found the dress, oh this dress. It looks like it is from the 50’s it is black covered in black lace.

I started crying the day I tried it on because, no matter how much weight I lost, I was just not going to be able to wear this dress.

I almost gave this dress to my dearest friend also but just couldn’t do it.

Today, I just wanted to see, I just wanted to try one more time because hey why not and… It fits.

I still have some work to do, but don’t we all? I can’t wait to wear this dress out on triple-date night one of these times with pretty lady in her black dress also!!! I think we will be stunning!!!!

Day 32 I freaking love taking baths

Being naked in water is my heaven. I could stay in the tub for hours and sometimes do!!!

It used to be my go to for comfort. When I got my own place, for the very first time I was able to just sit in the hot water in the dark and not have to deal with anything, I was hooked!!

When I became serious about kicking drugs, the bathtub was my safe spot, if I wanted to us, I took a hot bath, if I wanted to cry and end it all, I took a hot bath. It gave me the strength when I didn’t have it, but also- gave me the excuse of I am too busy (lazy) to relapse because I would have to get up, get dressed and go get something – screw that, I was naked already!!!

It is still my go to safe place when anxiety is kicking in or when I can’t sleep!!!

I was beyond elated when I moved into my new home and realized not only could I take a bath again but that I could fit in the tub!!!! Yeah me!!!

So I start out this day with a nice hot bath!!!!!

And enjoy every moment of it!!!

Day 23- this is from 3/29- submission, worry, strength, honor

Dealing with being sick, but wanted to come blog. I may get this finished yet.

Blogging, and sometimes submissiveness, can sometimes be easy to put down for a moment and then before you know it, you feel like something is off or missing from your days so you look around and realize that you put it down and forgot about it a touch too long. It can get hard to get back in the groove, but if it is worth it to you- you can pick it back up like you never left off.

My submissive side is pretty important to me, I don’t open it up to just anyone and I don’t take it out, dust it off and use it just for fun sex time.

I was welcomed into the BDSM life style before the swinging life style and sometimes it is really hard to walk that fine line between dating and serving, between wanting to be independent and wanting to be owned, between knowing that you don’t need permission to do something and wishing you still should ask for it.

I think the last part is the hardest part. I know I don’t need my Bf’s permission to have people over at my house, I know I don’t need to ask for his permission to go do something, but yet there is that part of me that loves to be his submissive and craves asking for the permission from my Maestre, that truly submissive side that wants to be allowed to feel controlled – even if just in a small token way.

So live day by day, enjoy each experience and expect nothing but be thankful for all, my life and my submissive little side grows more everyday that way while my independent strong woman side of me becomes the one I am meant to be.

Follow directions and take care of myself- that is how I feed my submissive side so that when my Maestre wants to play I can please him and when I do ask for his permission to do something he will understand why (what is behind me asking) I feel the need to do so.

T-13 days. This day in pictures.

When I started this journey I wanted to have pics of everyday to see the changes-if there were any. Getting sick threw a hickup in that but now it is time to get my ass moving. I want to be 350 lbs by April 16, 2018 I want to see the changes in my body and feel healthy again.

So here is today in pics.!!!!