Mistaken

The last few days I have been so proud of the marks my Maestre left on my body, it wasn’t until today that I realized I didn’t have something to be proud of, that I was mistaken.

That was a punishment, these are marks from a punishment that did not leave him proud of me.

Yes, it was done out of love but they were not left with pride and knowing that hurts worse than the punishment itself, and God that hurt. This is the guidance I have been seeking and now that I have it, I want to learn from it as much as I can, but I also want him to be proud of his submissive and I want to be proud of me.

I do not know why I dislike my body as much as I do. I keep thinking if I was just smaller, but in reality I would still have older saggier tits because that is the way my body is. Sure, I can exercise and tighten my body up some, but this is me.

But I do not want to dishoner my Maestre’s choices and he really does seem to enjoy this body. That is a good thing.

I need to stop using other peoples approval of my body or approval of me, make or break my day or faith that I am so worthy of many great things.

I apologize Maestre for deserving that many swats, and for letting myself doubt take me to a place where I need to see these punishment marks everyday to remind me that I really am worthy of feeling pride and worthy of his pride in my submission and in me as a person.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me on this journey of self discovery and self love.

I will never lie to him and tell him I am proud of a certain body part on me, so I had better step the hell up and work on loving that body part so that when he does ask, I don’t have to hymn and haaa my way out of the question but can answer with pride.

Advertisements

Getting closer- a day in pictures

No bra and panties this time, just my body. Had an amazing lesson in loving myself yesterday and I still have some more work to do, but I also need to focus more on loving and building up others as well.

I love myself today no matter what!!!

Day 32 I freaking love taking baths

Being naked in water is my heaven. I could stay in the tub for hours and sometimes do!!!

It used to be my go to for comfort. When I got my own place, for the very first time I was able to just sit in the hot water in the dark and not have to deal with anything, I was hooked!!

When I became serious about kicking drugs, the bathtub was my safe spot, if I wanted to us, I took a hot bath, if I wanted to cry and end it all, I took a hot bath. It gave me the strength when I didn’t have it, but also- gave me the excuse of I am too busy (lazy) to relapse because I would have to get up, get dressed and go get something – screw that, I was naked already!!!

It is still my go to safe place when anxiety is kicking in or when I can’t sleep!!!

I was beyond elated when I moved into my new home and realized not only could I take a bath again but that I could fit in the tub!!!! Yeah me!!!

So I start out this day with a nice hot bath!!!!!

And enjoy every moment of it!!!

Day 31, I think,. Lol slut shamed!!!

So some of you know that I do phone sex as a second job, well last night I was actually slut shamed by a phone sex caller!!

I have a caller that is really kinky, we have a lot of fun together. So last night when you called he was like oh your throat sound so sore, sounds like you have been getting fucked by a lot of men and I just laughed and said God I fucking wish!

During our conversation it went a little bit on the kinkier side with quite a bit of a taboo but God it was so fun. Before I knew it I was coming, he was coming, and we are just both having a really great time talking about something that is extremely something most people won’t talk about.

After he came we were just kind of being quiet on the phone and breathing and talking and he actually said “oh my God, you are such a fucking slut, how can you live with yourself talking about those kinds of things.”?

I was taking aback, I didn’t know what to say, the client is always right mostly on a sex call because we want them to call back and spend their money on us.

And he was the one that brought up the taboo stuff, I just went with it and ok got off on it too a bit.

I just laughed at him and said “well baby, you’re the one that called me. you’re the one that wants the slut that understands exactly what you need in the middle of the night.”

He just laughed out loud and told me it was true, but in the end of the day- I’m still just a pay as you go whore.

Wait, what??? Well then you need to be paying this whore well and get stepping!!!!

T-13 days. This day in pictures.

When I started this journey I wanted to have pics of everyday to see the changes-if there were any. Getting sick threw a hickup in that but now it is time to get my ass moving. I want to be 350 lbs by April 16, 2018 I want to see the changes in my body and feel healthy again.

So here is today in pics.!!!!

Day 22 – choices have consequences

So I got to work slowly but surely yesterday only to have my boss send me home due to being in so much pain and looking so wiped out.

I wish I could stay home today as well but with that choice comes having to use up my saved up leave time as well as looking bad in front of my new supervisor so I will be there!

For today’s positively, I chose my tummy and the scars on it.

In my belly button, there is the scar from having it pierced as well as that cute smiling face scar that proves my membership into the fixed women’s club. No more worries about baby making for me.

Around my belly button are the stretch marks from carrying two beautiful babies. My most proud scars.

Above that, the scar between the unfinished tattoos, that is the scar that saved my life. It is from my gallbladder being removed. I choose to have it removed the old way and because I did that, I have a humongous scar, but also because I did that, I am alive today. My gall bladder was extremely infected and did indeed burst the moment they removed it.

My tummy is beautifully large, I am working more and more everyday day to mix up my exercises so that my tummy gets tighter and that is slowly happening 🙂

I am proud of the choices I am making today!!!