I’ve been meaning to post for quite a while but work has gotten extremely stressful and I’ve just been paying attention a lot more to that when I would like to.
I’ve also been thinking about this post for awhile, most of all day it seems. There’s so much I want to say in this post and yet there’s so many feelings I don’t want to deal with right now.
What if I open up this can of worms and it hurts so bad that I don’t want to be alone tonight? but I am so maybe I shouldn’t blog, but hey what the fuck I’m higher than a kite so I might as well get all these feelings out right?
**Warning – bad language, child abuse issues – read with care**
Christmas was amazing. I spent it with my kids. I laughed so much, I saw my other grand baby too!
Christmas Eve I got to spend it with my daughter, her husband, my boyfriend and his wife, and my grandbaby. It was so much fun.
We ended the evening with the three of us (boyfriend,wife and I) , cuddled up on the couch and the grandbaby cuddled up on our laps playing games, laughing and watching a movie. It felt amazing, felt like something I’ve been missing for a very long time.
I was a single parent, my children’s fathers were not around, I also never allowed any boyfriends to be around my children except for one. Rob and I used to sit on couches and cuddle while holding my daughter and my son and watching TV together. But after he decided to quit using pot, he went nuts and try to kill me, twice, so he was out the door and I never trusted anyone to be around my children again with me.
I don’t know if it was a combination of that and also of being hurt as a child, but I didn’t want anyone around my kids, trust is an bit of an issue for me, can you tell?
Anyway another thing that happened yesterday is I found out the girl that used to be my step sister passed away on the 8th. She had a very very hard life.
I told my little sister yesterday that I have no memories of when I was little but had some of the stepsister. Well this morning some of that changed. I woke up from the most intense dream of my gbaby being touched in very bad ways(not by me) and as I laid there to process it, memories came rushing back. They came storming back.
I was a little older than my gbaby, but not yet in 1st grade when my older cousin would lay with me on his lap under the covers on the couch. When he put his fingers on me, in me, when he would hurt me but say it was ok because I liked it and a bit of hurt was good and it was our fucking secret.
I sat on one end of the couch one day when my aunt was in and out of the room and he had hid big toe inside of me. It was our fucking secret and she did not even fucking notice.
I was a little fucking girl when he put that balloon on his finger and he said he was going to put it inside me and it was going to hurt, but remember its okay because pain is it’s how we care. It wasn’t his fucking finger he put that balloon on and it wasn’t his fucking finger that he put inside of me, this morning all of those feelings came rushing back after that dream, all of that pain, and how he said I was his favorite girl.
I was a God damn mother fucking little girl, I was cute, I should have been allowed to stay fucking cute. I was a sweet innocent kid, not yet the slut I would grow into being.
That fucking asshole took away all of that, but the worse was yet to come because, hey he told me he loved our little games, our little fucking secrets, ours, I was fucking special to him- that is until the day I tried to go into his trailer one day and the door was locked but I could hear him and my older sister talking. She came out later and I knew I wasn’t the special one after all.
This is what made me feel worthless and hatred to my older sister, a feeling that showed up later in life when my step-dad decided that in the 3rd grade that I had a pretty mouth and was a little slut so why not use it. When I heard her knock on the bathroom door to hear her ask him if he knew where I was while I was trying not to throw up crying and gagging. I never gagged again after that day, not even when he would come into my room and filled my mouth while she slept in the next bed. I had to be oh so very good and quiet.
I was a little fucking girl, I was a quiet shy fucking cute little girl who loved every one and everything with so much joy you mother fucking worthless pieces of shit. I should have been able to stay a fucking little girl. I should have grown up safe.
I hate you both so much. I hate that I have minimized this so much because I thought that I really had it better than most girls I know, and while that is true, I also just used that as an excuse to hide how I felt/feel.
I fucking hate them but sometimes I really hate myself because I didn’t make it stop, I didn’t tell anybody til it was too late, I didn’t and worse yet there’s this part of me inside now that wishes I could go to my cousin, I could grab him by the back of the head and I could kiss him. I can run my hand down his pants I could shove his cock inside of me and show him how much I’m better now that I’m older, and I could beg him to let me be special and cute again like I used to be.
Oh gosh I feel like a sick bitch just admitting I have had that thought in the past, usually it was followed by a sweet stinging slice, a deep burning burn to the skin till you could hear a quiet sizzle, or a nameless fuck in a sloppily sliding inside of me before getting up to walk our my door, leaving me laying there numb and reaching for a bottle.
It has been a very long time since I have allowed myself behave that way, but it is really raw tonight since that dream, and my inner little girl is pissed off! tonight I can say those words, I can admit it, and I can just leave it on the floor where it belongs because it’s a bullshit thought, it’s a bullshit feeling.
And it’s bullshit that I have a hard time living my fucking life and enjoying my grandbaby being that cute innocent little girl I once was you mother fucking assholes that I hope rot in hell, I am tired of being your fucking victim and I am fucking tired of letting my fucking insecurities run fucking rampant.
I was a sweet innocent girl once, that may have went away but I will be damned if I let you fuckers win by not believing I am special in my own way and my own life any longer.