Was it?

She laid in her bath after he left and wondered.

Wondered if what just happened was that terrible word that begins with an R.

She thought they were friends, they talk about their lives and share laughs but when he asked her if he could come over she was hesitate about saying yes. The last time he came over he was very vocal about wanting sex and even tho she tried hint that she really wasn’t in the mood, she just wanted to be friends he just didn’t get the hints. She finally had to come right out and say that she wasn’t interested and he did get rather upset but finally understood her and dropped the conversation.

She told him that she really wasn’t in the mood for visitors, her life was rather confusing right now, she just wanted to go to bed and do some thinking. As she was crawling into a hot bath with a bowl of some sweet kush to smoke, she heard the knock on her door. Rolling her eyes, she got back dressed and answered the door. There he was, standing there and started to walk in the door. Once again she told him she really didn’t feel like visitor but he spoke over her, saying that he just wanted to talk because his wife was crazy and that he knew that her leg was hurting from the fall she had a few weeks ago so he wouldn’t stay very long, he just needed a friend to talk to for a little while.

As they sat on the couch talking, he kept touching her and rubbing her sore leg, He said he could tell that it was still bothering her, offered to rub it and promised that would be it. He promised that he understood she didn’t want to be sexual and he wouldn’t push it.

As she started to lay down on her bed, he asked why she wasn’t getting undressed. She explain to him that she was going to just rest a few moments while he rubbed her leg and they talked before seeing him to the door and resuming her hot bath.

By the time she was on her bed, he was down to just his pants. With a surprised look on her face she asked him what was going on- he said it was so he could rub her leg better.

As he was rubbing her leg, she started to relax and drift off lightly only to be awaken by him crawling between her legs and rubbing his naked body on her ass. She asked him what the hell was going on and he just kept kissing her back, she told him that she wasn’t in the mood for this and he started rubbing her pantie covered pussy. He pushed harder and harder against her clit and said there was no way she wasn’t in the mood because she was so wet already.

She felt him pull her panties to the side and start to slid his cock up against her pussy. He kept kissing her shoulder while telling her he was going to fuck her really good and he knew how much she wanted it. She just closed her eyes let him finish. He came on her ass and kept saying how good it was to make her feel good again. She just laid there in a daze and nodded.

She walked him to the door after he got up and dressed. She told him that he was to never call her and was to never knock on her door again or she was going to call his wife and tell her all about what happened.

So she laid in her tub and swore that she would never speak about what happened because she really didn’t know what truly just happened- but she was sure that it was never going to happen again.

Fast forward a couple years, she is laying in her new tub in her new house relaxing after a stressful day of work when her phone buzzed showing she had a message on her facebook.

Smiling she was excited to see what her BF was up to, but that smile faded fast when she saw it wasn’t their handsome man.

It was him.

He was back in town for a little while, heard she had moved and was hoping to get to see her again. She deleted the message, she blocked him, and then laid her head back and let the tears fall.

Once again she thought- was it? was it rape? hadn’t she said no clear enough? Did she say no? Was that no cancelled when she got wet?

She let him in the door then and now here she was in her tub crying and wondering, just wondering…

Advertisements

Waves

Ice cold steel, burning hot metal swirling together to become one while each standing on their own.

Deep breaths in, little moans out, heartbeats speeding up in sweet anticipation.

Inner whimpers on the first touch, outer moans on the second, begging for it to stop on the third, pleading for it to never to on the fourth.

Eyes slide shut in sweet pleasure as the touch continues in slow deep pressure against your skin.

The way it moves you while holding you still is beyond words, but you stay still because you don’t want to miss a thing.

The way it opens your mind and frees your soul while it binds you in place fulfills your deepest unspoken craving.

Feeding that little voice inside of your head that whispers to you.. just give in, just once more, lay back and just float while you are safe.

Sensations rush through your body like venom through your veins, the metal cools, eyes slide open, the mental cuffs come off.

Back to the real world you go but with an all new determination, new light in your eyes, cravings subside, and life moves on.

 

 

Mistaken

The last few days I have been so proud of the marks my Maestre left on my body, it wasn’t until today that I realized I didn’t have something to be proud of, that I was mistaken.

That was a punishment, these are marks from a punishment that did not leave him proud of me.

Yes, it was done out of love but they were not left with pride and knowing that hurts worse than the punishment itself, and God that hurt. This is the guidance I have been seeking and now that I have it, I want to learn from it as much as I can, but I also want him to be proud of his submissive and I want to be proud of me.

I do not know why I dislike my body as much as I do. I keep thinking if I was just smaller, but in reality I would still have older saggier tits because that is the way my body is. Sure, I can exercise and tighten my body up some, but this is me.

But I do not want to dishoner my Maestre’s choices and he really does seem to enjoy this body. That is a good thing.

I need to stop using other peoples approval of my body or approval of me, make or break my day or faith that I am so worthy of many great things.

I apologize Maestre for deserving that many swats, and for letting myself doubt take me to a place where I need to see these punishment marks everyday to remind me that I really am worthy of feeling pride and worthy of his pride in my submission and in me as a person.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me on this journey of self discovery and self love.

I will never lie to him and tell him I am proud of a certain body part on me, so I had better step the hell up and work on loving that body part so that when he does ask, I don’t have to hymn and haaa my way out of the question but can answer with pride.

Today…

Today spins, time moves on with or without us, we just travel this day doing the best we can.

We will never be perfect but we can be perfectly twisted. We can open our eyes and choose to keep them wide open to all of the wonderful things life will show us, or we can let them slide shut, reopen cloudy with self doubts, and shades of insecurity.

We can lay there in that bed letting thoughts of “Am I really on the same page as others? Am I living in an illusion of life or am I supposed to be right here, doing what I am doing?”

Or we can get up and face this day head on saying “No bitch, I know who I am, I know my worth, and today is the day I have been waiting for so go fuck yourself because today I make myself happy.”

People move on, they get older, time starts to come to a close on life and there is nothing we can do. There is no way to make someone proud of you if they never were, there is nothing you can do but choose to believe them when they tell you that they love you, and tell those little voices in your your head that whisper “you are the reason their lifes took those curves” it really was your fault” ” why didn’t you just shut up, go with it, you know it wasn’t going to last forever” to shut the fuck up and to stop trying to get you to search for a way to be numb again.

You spent enough time numb, and now is the day for you to face facts, your mom did the best she could with the cards which she was dealt.

You are doing the best with the cards you are playing with but your deal isn’t over yet. You get to choose to stand firm and play those cards or get a reshuffle and redeal.

That is the great thing about life, you get to choose if you act or react

Day 33- it fucking fits

There is this dress, it is one of my dream dresses.

When my daughter got married, I wore a cute black dress. It fit- but just barely, I loved it but pretty much knew I’d never wear it again, so when I had my dearest lady friend try it on, and looked sooooo good in it, I gave it to her!! She looks stunning in it!

But then I found the dress, oh this dress. It looks like it is from the 50’s it is black covered in black lace.

I started crying the day I tried it on because, no matter how much weight I lost, I was just not going to be able to wear this dress.

I almost gave this dress to my dearest friend also but just couldn’t do it.

Today, I just wanted to see, I just wanted to try one more time because hey why not and… It fits.

I still have some work to do, but don’t we all? I can’t wait to wear this dress out on triple-date night one of these times with pretty lady in her black dress also!!! I think we will be stunning!!!!

Day 32 I freaking love taking baths

Being naked in water is my heaven. I could stay in the tub for hours and sometimes do!!!

It used to be my go to for comfort. When I got my own place, for the very first time I was able to just sit in the hot water in the dark and not have to deal with anything, I was hooked!!

When I became serious about kicking drugs, the bathtub was my safe spot, if I wanted to us, I took a hot bath, if I wanted to cry and end it all, I took a hot bath. It gave me the strength when I didn’t have it, but also- gave me the excuse of I am too busy (lazy) to relapse because I would have to get up, get dressed and go get something – screw that, I was naked already!!!

It is still my go to safe place when anxiety is kicking in or when I can’t sleep!!!

I was beyond elated when I moved into my new home and realized not only could I take a bath again but that I could fit in the tub!!!! Yeah me!!!

So I start out this day with a nice hot bath!!!!!

And enjoy every moment of it!!!