Learning while polying 

I am still new at all of this but I have to say, this last year has been an amazing experience.

I think some of the best parts are that I am learning the difference between needs and wants, learning that feelings are just those – feelings!  And while they are important, we are the owners of them.  I am also learning that just because my boyfriend is attracted to others – it doesn’t take anything away from his attraction to me. (My behaviors is what lowers that)  and may have been one of the hardest lessons.

In the past, I used to let my insecurities run rampant and expect others to make me feel better, secure, wanted.

In the past,  I didn’t have to learn to acknowledge what I am feeling, face that those feelings, or do anything to deal with them.

But this is not the past, this is now and I get to have wonderful experiences to help teach me that I am in control of my feelings – not the other way around. I am responsible for dealing with them and allowing myself to be happy, even when I don’t think I can be.

I live my life now in ways that I want to so I can be secure in myself and in the knowledge that I really so bring alot to the table relationship wise, that just because life gets busy doesn’t mean I am not important. 🙂  I just need some reminders sometimes tho (lol) and I get those in good night kisses texts and hello gorgeous good morning ones. 

I got a bit twisted a bit back because boyfriend was having so much fun flirting with other ladies, old beliefs came back to the forefront and I had to learn from them because I love this man and this relationship.

  I also took a good hard look at myself. – am I meant to be poly?  I meant to be here am I honest with myself and honor my needs also? 

I have fun flirting with other guys, it is exciting and fun. Does it take away from my excitement when I get to flirt or be with him- hell no, actually it heightens it some because he is the one that knows me, the person I can share this with and he understands it and me. 🙂

That doesn’t mean I don’t get worried about others being more exciting or stuff like that- but then we text, play, giggle, fuck, make love, and share fun times together. He reminds me he loves me in his own way, and I deal with those old beliefs.

I found this meme and it makes me feel amazing while reminding me that this is not the past at all and it is pretty damn awesome. 

Thank you for a yr of learning, passion, laughter, feelings, growth. and amazing sex!!!!!  I love you handsome man cub! 

Advertisements

Getting in shape is not easy

Damn exercise. Damn it to hell. I loved it before getting sick and now that I am better, it is time to work out again. I just can’t seem to get my movation back even though I try every night.  I miss hearing that I am a good girl or doing a good job, but I know I am doing this for myself and the results do pay off, I just need to do this and push thro the cramps. 

I have so many feeling cropping up and have been working so hard not burdening my boyfriend with them, but missing him, not just sex either (as great as it is!). Just missing the laughter and cuddles. 

But I’ll see him and laugh with him again soon 🙂 and as much as he gets tired of hearing it, I so look forward to it! It is so fun spending time with him. 

Last week an old playmate texted me, wanting to be topped. I hate that he only messages me when that itch needs scratched but it was nice to catch up with him and it was fun to dust off my Domme even if it was just over text. Forgot how good it feels to have someone beg. But the same as before, he gets his craving and runs off, however – I have to say it feels pretty fucking awesome knowing that he knows who to call when that itch gets too strong. 

I enjoy being submissive, but damn sometimes it is so fun telling someone what to do and how to do it!!!  I am so going to have to do more Domme calls!!! 


Learned so much this week

Last week I went to a huge conference about my day job, I also learned a lot about myself while there. 

One of the speakers – Sarita Maybin- was amazing. She spoke about Positive Communication, and ways to improve yourself and your communication with the people who are in our lives that we love.

I needed this right now because things are going on and my  mind jumps to conclusions. Conclusions that I do not want to have and that I will not allow to cloud my thoughts or feelings.

I wrote a Blog once a while ago about a default, the default being the thought we always run to when things go on in our lives, the default being what we’ve always were taught to do even though it doesn’t work we still keep trying to go to it. 

My default is that I forget how important I am and how special I am for who I just am. I let my mind switch to the that default of “I don’t matter”  which is, I know, bullshit, but that default has cost me to allow people to treat me in ways I would not treat them.

I’m not talking just about my relationship with my boyfriend, but I’m also talking about my relationships at work,  my relationships with my family,  my relationships with my friends and maybe with my granddaughter- that I go above and beyond to let people know how special they are and to treat them in ways that I’ve always dreamed of being treated but yet – I don’t  treat myself that way and then I become a whiner and I become boring because I lose me. The me that they care about,  and that I care about. 

Things  that struck home was when a speaker said:

– “Do what you want to, say what you want to,  to me, just don’t leave me. Screw that- show me why I should be here, tell me you want me here, and value me being here with you- because I have value, you saw that in me and it is past time I do as well.”

-“by seeing that value we have in ourselves, we honor the value we bring to others” 

And when I read my boyfriend’s blog that said- “To L.S., I never made you worthy.  You always were.”

These means so much to me.  

I just need to f’ing remember them when I start treating myself less than I deserve and I start to push people away because I allow myself to become overwhelmed. 


And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots.
"Burn me.
" "Freeze me.
" "Hurt me.
" So, I did.
And this went on for centuries until one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment.
And when I returned he was crying.
"Please, my king," he said.
"Don't ever forget me again.
I promise I'll be good.
" It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever miniscule attention I paid gave meaning to his pointless existence.
 



Plugs

“Fuckin an ass is like fucking a vacuum, it just sucks you right in.” that is a quote I heard today on a show about a man that loves to anally rape women.

I have played with men in my past that loved ass play, but none like the one I am with now.

I remember the 1st time I felt a man in my sweet ass, I was so glad he was small, because damn it hurt. I swore I would never do that again! 

It wasn’t until I was with Master H. that I felt a man lick and kiss my cute ass. Before I knew it, I was begging him to fuck my ass like a dirty whore and those experiences opened me up to experiences to use on my phone job. 

I have one man that loves to have his ass played with, he loves to let me watch him use a huge toy that is in the shape of a hand up his ass as we talk. I love it. I love seeing him  shudder in joy as he cum hard to my voice and that toy up his ass.

I had my own little silicone plug, but one day while cleaning my room, my grandbaby found it under the bed and “scolded” for earing in my room what she thought looked like a died up carrot!  This cracked me up so hard but yet was so very embarrassing. I so threw it away as soon as I could. 

Now I am thinking maybe I should have had these plugs lol. Something about those ribs look like they would feel pretty amazing going in. 


My boyfriend got me re-interested in butt plugs,  and women’s reactions to them,  when he walked into the sex store with me and hand me pick one out. I tied to go really small and that turned down right away.  We ended up getting one that I really like now. 

I wanted to surprise him with a new one and actually really like it, I didn’t think I would but it is so cute 

It is the smallest of these three and looms so hot in my ass.  I was ordered by Maestre to wear it all day during a conference and the feelings were so strange. I did not like it at 1st but about an hour in I kept feeling my ass squeezing around it and my pussy getting wet. By the end of that day of classes I was so turned on, I just wanted to get in that truck and make myself cum. As soon as I got back to the house, I couldn’t help but almost rip my clothes off and molest my own body. See- pretty huh? 

I really want to see what one with a tail would be like, and I know that my favorite caller always tells me he wants to shove a tail up my pretty ass and ride me like a whore.


I have talked to bf about this once or twice, but I think it might really be becoming a fantasy for me now that I would love to act out. 
Another one that I am interested in is a remote control butt plug (and right now I am kicking myself for even saying that because I know it will add to the interest he already has) but there is just something interesting about them

I am really wanting to explore these more lately.

I never thought that I would even even say I was interested in but plugs and now here I am researching them,  looking at them,  enjoying them,  and I can’t wait to feel it inside of me again when he’s deep inside of me.

So here is to the girls, and guys, that love ass play!!!! May you always enjoy what you love too. 

Memories 

She walks into her quiet house looking around,wishing it wasn’t so quiet. Wishing there were whispers of lust coming from the couch, moans of passion coming from the shower, screams of delight and pain echoing from the bedroom.

She walks from room to room touching surfaces and bringing back memories of wild sex in this spot, giggles of joy in that one, moans over there, screams over there. 

Her hand comes across the spot in the kitchen where he bent her over the dishwasher and took her hard from behind. One of his hands in her hair and the other around her throat as she was gushing all over his hard cock and down her legs. 

She smiles at that memory.

Walking into her bedroom she sit down on her soft bed and looks out the bedroom door way into the hallway leading out to her front door. 

 Not such a happy memory there, as her eyes well up with tears. She remembers the last time he walked out of that door feeling that he was upset with her. 

She lays back on the bed and slowly slides her hand down her body, allowing her mind to wander back to how it felt the 1st time he touched her body. 

She shivers as her fingertips touch her nipples and moans quietly as her nails scrape against them making them hard.

Her eyes shut as she continues to rub her nipples a little harder each time till she arches back and cums.

Her breath catches as she rides these waves of orgasm, remember each and every time he sucked and bit her nipples making her cum over and over again.

As her body relaxes, her fingertips start their trail back down her soft body to her sweet pussy. She loves the feeling over her soft pubic hair being pulled and played with, wishing these fingers were his working their magic like they always do.

She opens her eyes, picturing him over her looking g down smiling at her as she starts to rub her clit, a little harder with each stroke till she is moaning his name out loud and her heart pounds in her chest.

She cums with his name on her lips, his eyes in her fantasies, and her hand deep inside of her hot wet cunt.

This is the best way to relive memories but now she wants to make new ones, so she picks up that phone to message him.

 If she can’t have the real thing- at least she can have the best phone sex in town! 

Emotional 

I woke up having a ton of fucking emotions and I just want to talk to you about them. I want to work through them to make sure that I am not just spiraling out of emotional control on my own because I feel like I am.

I know this and I always believed  it is my job as a strong lady to work it out and deal with it, don’t dear let some one know and ask for help because then I allow them in and to see I am weak too.   I also always know that I over feel, over care, over think and worry about becoming  a burden in my own mind, thus truly becoming one in real life.

But I am also your submissive and that means walking a fine line of becoming so dependent on you as my Dom,  that just a quick message back saying that you see me reaching out makes me feel like I am heard. 

Becoming dependent is something I did before and I became too dependent. I want to know how to be that submissive that I feel inside, that I know I truly am and yet keep this independence I have worked so hard for.

I backed off that morning, put my phone down and went and did things with my family knowing that I am loved,  not just by you but by so many and that, even though poly is hard sometimes,  I wouldn’t change it because of the joy I get when it just feel so right.

For so long in relationships I was so worried because I always heard “you could be replaced” and “that one person should meet all your needs” and it’s such bullshit,  but yet when I see someone else meeting your needs I worry that I’m never going to be enough and that’s okay,  because I’m not.  I’m never going to be enough to meet every one of your needs,  but I’m going to be enough to meet every one of those needs that I can.  I have to remember that to make good days good. 

Laying in bed this morning with your arms around me reminded me why I battle doubts about myself and poly and don’t just cut and run back to what I know, why i take the time to talk myself down from my thoughts and venture forward into the unknown. I look down at my bunny tattoos, see that I am jumping to conclusions and I am making up so many issues in my head that I believe them. 

I have a saying on my wall that says “when I tell you that I love you, it doesn’t mean I know you won’t ever go away, just that I wish you didn’t have to. ” I don’t know where this is going with new girls and that is so new to me, it is scary for me. 

I want to be the supportive girl friend I want to be fun and I want to be exciting and it actually does turn me on, 3 ways turn me on, but then the default kicks in I think ” but If he wants her he can’t possibly want me” fuck I hate that default. 

 I am tired of it, and I know it is bullshit.

I have been shoving that feeling down since my cousin chose to stop molesting me one day and my older sister was in the house instead. In my mind he chose her over me to share  that special time with and I don’t remember him touching me again after that day. He told me he loved me and I was special but after that day I was no longer special to him and he left.

 How fucked is that? How fucked up is it that I fear something happening to prove to me again that the default that was  created then is right?

  I don’t fucking want that. 

  I also know that I don’t want to take him for granted because I know he’s choosing to be here and one day,  he might choose to not be here. Hence the “I wish you didn’t have to” part of the quote.

 I can also  make that choice, and that is powerful to say that. I am not a victim. I am not that little girl any longer that has to be so afraid that the man I love is going to decide one day he no longer loves me because that crap was not love, it was abuse, this is love, as strange and scary as it is. 

And, I am a grown ass lady who has feelings, needs, and wants but no one is going to know what those are if I don’t open my damn mouth and talk about them.

Thank you for taking time to help me work through this and loving me through it all. 

Pretty fucked up

Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day. 

All week I have stepped outside of my balance,  my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do,  I really need some feedback if they were even ok.  if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if  they were disgusting or beautiful. 

 I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful  I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me,  on the inside,  goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need,  maybe that they weren’t really bad,  boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay. 

Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.

 I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.

 You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls,  you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear  that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex

Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.

I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious  if I know where the fences are,  I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free  in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me. 

Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.

 My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday. 

I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle.  I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!

Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me.