Memories 

She walks into her quiet house looking around,wishing it wasn’t so quiet. Wishing there were whispers of lust coming from the couch, moans of passion coming from the shower, screams of delight and pain echoing from the bedroom.

She walks from room to room touching surfaces and bringing back memories of wild sex in this spot, giggles of joy in that one, moans over there, screams over there. 

Her hand comes across the spot in the kitchen where he bent her over the dishwasher and took her hard from behind. One of his hands in her hair and the other around her throat as she was gushing all over his hard cock and down her legs. 

She smiles at that memory.

Walking into her bedroom she sit down on her soft bed and looks out the bedroom door way into the hallway leading out to her front door. 

 Not such a happy memory there, as her eyes well up with tears. She remembers the last time he walked out of that door feeling that he was upset with her. 

She lays back on the bed and slowly slides her hand down her body, allowing her mind to wander back to how it felt the 1st time he touched her body. 

She shivers as her fingertips touch her nipples and moans quietly as her nails scrape against them making them hard.

Her eyes shut as she continues to rub her nipples a little harder each time till she arches back and cums.

Her breath catches as she rides these waves of orgasm, remember each and every time he sucked and bit her nipples making her cum over and over again.

As her body relaxes, her fingertips start their trail back down her soft body to her sweet pussy. She loves the feeling over her soft pubic hair being pulled and played with, wishing these fingers were his working their magic like they always do.

She opens her eyes, picturing him over her looking g down smiling at her as she starts to rub her clit, a little harder with each stroke till she is moaning his name out loud and her heart pounds in her chest.

She cums with his name on her lips, his eyes in her fantasies, and her hand deep inside of her hot wet cunt.

This is the best way to relive memories but now she wants to make new ones, so she picks up that phone to message him.

 If she can’t have the real thing- at least she can have the best phone sex in town! 

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Emotional 

I woke up having a ton of fucking emotions and I just want to talk to you about them. I want to work through them to make sure that I am not just spiraling out of emotional control on my own because I feel like I am.

I know this and I always believed  it is my job as a strong lady to work it out and deal with it, don’t dear let some one know and ask for help because then I allow them in and to see I am weak too.   I also always know that I over feel, over care, over think and worry about becoming  a burden in my own mind, thus truly becoming one in real life.

But I am also your submissive and that means walking a fine line of becoming so dependent on you as my Dom,  that just a quick message back saying that you see me reaching out makes me feel like I am heard. 

Becoming dependent is something I did before and I became too dependent. I want to know how to be that submissive that I feel inside, that I know I truly am and yet keep this independence I have worked so hard for.

I backed off that morning, put my phone down and went and did things with my family knowing that I am loved,  not just by you but by so many and that, even though poly is hard sometimes,  I wouldn’t change it because of the joy I get when it just feel so right.

For so long in relationships I was so worried because I always heard “you could be replaced” and “that one person should meet all your needs” and it’s such bullshit,  but yet when I see someone else meeting your needs I worry that I’m never going to be enough and that’s okay,  because I’m not.  I’m never going to be enough to meet every one of your needs,  but I’m going to be enough to meet every one of those needs that I can.  I have to remember that to make good days good. 

Laying in bed this morning with your arms around me reminded me why I battle doubts about myself and poly and don’t just cut and run back to what I know, why i take the time to talk myself down from my thoughts and venture forward into the unknown. I look down at my bunny tattoos, see that I am jumping to conclusions and I am making up so many issues in my head that I believe them. 

I have a saying on my wall that says “when I tell you that I love you, it doesn’t mean I know you won’t ever go away, just that I wish you didn’t have to. ” I don’t know where this is going with new girls and that is so new to me, it is scary for me. 

I want to be the supportive girl friend I want to be fun and I want to be exciting and it actually does turn me on, 3 ways turn me on, but then the default kicks in I think ” but If he wants her he can’t possibly want me” fuck I hate that default. 

 I am tired of it, and I know it is bullshit.

I have been shoving that feeling down since my cousin chose to stop molesting me one day and my older sister was in the house instead. In my mind he chose her over me to share  that special time with and I don’t remember him touching me again after that day. He told me he loved me and I was special but after that day I was no longer special to him and he left.

 How fucked is that? How fucked up is it that I fear something happening to prove to me again that the default that was  created then is right?

  I don’t fucking want that. 

  I also know that I don’t want to take him for granted because I know he’s choosing to be here and one day,  he might choose to not be here. Hence the “I wish you didn’t have to” part of the quote.

 I can also  make that choice, and that is powerful to say that. I am not a victim. I am not that little girl any longer that has to be so afraid that the man I love is going to decide one day he no longer loves me because that crap was not love, it was abuse, this is love, as strange and scary as it is. 

And, I am a grown ass lady who has feelings, needs, and wants but no one is going to know what those are if I don’t open my damn mouth and talk about them.

Thank you for taking time to help me work through this and loving me through it all. 

Pretty fucked up

Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day. 

All week I have stepped outside of my balance,  my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do,  I really need some feedback if they were even ok.  if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if  they were disgusting or beautiful. 

 I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful  I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me,  on the inside,  goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need,  maybe that they weren’t really bad,  boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay. 

Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.

 I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.

 You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls,  you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear  that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex

Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.

I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious  if I know where the fences are,  I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free  in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me. 

Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.

 My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday. 

I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle.  I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!

Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me. 

I wanna…

It has been a long time since I have made love to a woman, sure there have been quick hook-ups to get off and 3-ways with a hot man joining us, but I mean truly made love to a woman, I crave that.

I crave this.

You know, the kind of night where everything is just right. You go out and you all laugh, you giggle, you enjoy the night and, you start to flirt. Slowly at first to just tease the waters, but then she starts to flirt back.

The giggles turn a bit naughtier, the laughs end in sighs, casual touches seem to linger longer on each others arms with your fingertips softly tracing across her skin as you slowly move your hand away.

The night out comes to a close and you drive her home, just to make sure she gets there safely of course. As you walk her up to her door, you crack a joke about how funny this must look- walking her up to her door like a date and she says “if this is a date, would it end here with a kiss?”  before she slowly brings her lips up against yours.

She takes your breath away with that kiss and before you know it you are pulling her closer to you and kissing her deeper. You hear her moan at the same time you feel her body shutter when your hand moves to her hair to pull her in and deepen the kiss.

It is all you can do not to grab her right there and rip that shirt off- but this is new, this isn’t just play, this is something more so you slow down. You take a deep breath and bite her lower lip. She moans in delight and pulls away. As you ask her what is wrong, she just smiles and unlocks the door.

You want her, you want her hands on your skin, her lips on yours, you want her so you slowly softly whisper in her ear that it has been a very long time and she just smiles at you as she pulls you by the hand into her bedroom.

You know the kind of night I am describing don’t you? Just thinking about it is making my panties so very wet.

I want to see her standing there, see that shy but yet brave look on her pretty face as we start to kiss and explore each other’s bodies for the first time. I want to hear her moans as I lay her down on the bed to take her skirt and panties off. I crave hearing the way she would groan as I slid between her legs to trace her pussy lips with my finger nails.

I miss seeing the way a woman shivers as I open up her lips to run my tongue along her clit, down to her sweat wet pussy and then back up to lick that clit a little harder. I get wet thinking about how wonderful it would feel taste her, to feel her body tense up as my fingers start to enter her and my lips wraps around her clit to suck on it gently.

I have to touch myself when I think about this lovely woman arching her back and screaming as she cums, squeezing my fingers tight as she is coating my face with her juices.

hummm, so close to cumming all over my fingers as I think about kissing up her body to those lovely breasts, wrapping my hands around them to hold them up to my mouth so that I can suck on each nipple. Making her squirm and start to beg for more.

I can’t tell you how badly I want to roll over on my side, slide my hand back into her pussy as we start to kiss, as her hand starts to roam down my body until her finger tips find my rock hard clit and starts to stroke it matching my hand on hers.

Oh I want her, I want her to cum with me. I want us to be kissing as she starts to lose the ability to touch me. I want to see her eyes slide shut as I reach into her toy box to grab the dildo, I want to her hear beg as I move between her legs, putting the toy between us and thrusting it deep inside of her as if it was my own living cock.

Grabbing her hair hard, I want to watch as she starts to lose control. My hips forcing my toy cock deeper and deeper inside of her, pounding harder and harder till she tightens up and shudders her cum flowing out of that wonderfully tight pussy and my cum flooding her sheets between her legs as we both cum so hard that our bodies start to float.

I want to lay there in her bed, my body against hers as we try to catch our breaths only to start giggling and kissing again.

Yes, that is what I am craving tonight- how about you?

Today

Just not doing too good today,  I mean I know there’s nothing that anyone can do to make it a better day other than myself so I don’t say anything to anyone.

My car is down again, and I know it just going to take a little bit to fix it I just need to help to have someone fix it and I don’t know who to ask anymore, I know I can ask a friend but everytime I do he tries to touch me and grab me and kiss me I don’t want to be with him and I think I’m rude when I tell him no all the time. Mostly because he does help me with my cars. 

I bought a bike figured that way I can work out and get in better shape but it’s too big for me too tall I mean I’m too big for it. So need help taking it back to the store and once again that means I have to ask somebody for help I hate having to ask people for help I’m an independent strong woman and inside of me is this little girl who just wants to be held today and I’m loved and that things are alright. 

I don’t want to be seen as a whiny needy person because I can be seen that way, I just know that today I’m having a bad day and that it is up to me to make it a better day because no one else can.  unfortunately, today I just wish….. 

So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point. 

A doll’s life too

Oh my gosh, such a beautiful better day today. 

I got my positive groove back!!! 

A few days ago I posted a blog about my gbaby’s dolls and how they kinda twisted me up, but our darling boyfriend reminded me that not all growth and life changes are bad. 

Maybe Ms. Dark haired barbie decided to branch out and go explore poly knowing that she is loved deeply by the blondes and has a safe home base with a loving couple.  Maybe she is just out visiting different swinger parties and dungeons like she used to in the past. 

Or maybe she is just busy setting up her new place and getting it ready for more fun date nights with a hot sexy man that makes her scream in delight, cry in peace, giggle in enjoyment, and makes her use her brain till it hurts. (believe me, she is so happy that there are others that meet his wide array of needs because owie!!)  

Or maybe, just maybe, they are just damn barbie dolls and my gbaby prefers blondes lol