A doll’s life too

Oh my gosh, such a beautiful better day today. 

I got my positive groove back!!! 

A few days ago I posted a blog about my gbaby’s dolls and how they kinda twisted me up, but our darling boyfriend reminded me that not all growth and life changes are bad. 

Maybe Ms. Dark haired barbie decided to branch out and go explore poly knowing that she is loved deeply by the blondes and has a safe home base with a loving couple.  Maybe she is just out visiting different swinger parties and dungeons like she used to in the past. 

Or maybe she is just busy setting up her new place and getting it ready for more fun date nights with a hot sexy man that makes her scream in delight, cry in peace, giggle in enjoyment, and makes her use her brain till it hurts. (believe me, she is so happy that there are others that meet his wide array of needs because owie!!)  

Or maybe, just maybe, they are just damn barbie dolls and my gbaby prefers blondes lol 

Ahhhhhhh yes

Some times a submissive needed to be held, kissed, cuddled and reassured. 

Sometimes  a good submissive needs a touch of a a reminder that they really are a good sub even when life gets overwhelming and they haven’t felt very submissive lately. 

And sometimes, a stubborn feeling submissive needs to be reminded of her place (head down ass up), her mission (to bring pleasure), and that her Maestre is serious about her loving herself and taking care of herself while following his directives. 

This submissive needed all of those things today and yet got so much more!   

My sense of inner balance has been off for the past few days (weeks) and try as I might I just could not find that inner peace I needed to right it. 

Today I was handed that inner peace through leather and steel caresses followed by tears and giggles. 

You can read me so very well :), thank you Maestre 

My week from hell

I never knew how fast a body could shut down and decide to stop life as you know it until you give in and rest. 

It all started with a hellva rash all over my arms and chest. Itched so bad that I also drew blood with each stratch. Then the knee pain, I couldn’t bend them, couldn’t hardly walk. 

As the weeks went on, whatever was going on with my body moved into my hands, ankles, shoulders, and settled in my hips. I missed work, my body was so sensitive I even had to Bailey on boyfriend touches. 😦 

One day all I could do was lay in bed and cry. Every move I made hurt like hell, that is when I really had to do some thinking about my life and getting older, realizing I am only going to get older as time goes on and I better get some $$$ in savings for the future. 

Thank goodness for 2 different types of steroids, I can walk again. I am still not like I was but so much better than I had been. 

Still, these last few weeks of pain and getting ready for this move have really opened my eyes to some stuff  but also gave me a much needed boost of confidence. 

 I know I can do this and go through that and all I need is that little extra lovin to keep me centered and moving towards my goals. 

But now I need to start all over again on my exercises 😦 

Tamed

Did you know that that gorgeous submissive with the sweet little side that is begging to give herself to you really is like a wild wild horse? 

Not that she needs to be broken and tamed, although this submissive does crave that, no you see- she needs to know where the fences are, where the valleys are, where they can run wild and still feel safe.

Just watch her when you touch her, see that spark that starts in her eyes
and before long you can feel it radiating through out her whole body.

When you bend down to bite her neck and tell her that no matter what she does or what she craves- she is yours. 

You take pleasure in watching what happens to her eyes. How they gloss over and slide shut when she is hitting that moment of pleasure where you can ask anything of her and she will do it with extreme passion.

Have you ever seen a horse that feels secure run? The way they know that they can go as far as they want and yet they can be safe. How free they feel when they know they can be held back from going too far and losing control while running wild and they know that there is a stronger force that is watching over them?

That is what your sweet submissive is showing you when you see her eyes roll shut and then she looks at you like you are the angel among high. She is starting her run and she knows that you will be there to guide her as she lets her wild nature take over.

She also trusts that you are going to be there to hold her as you walk her through her cool down/come down. She knows that you are going to be there to giggle with her little side when it comes out and takes over wanting to be a special treat.

Do you every wonder why a well trained horse can go from a wild running mare into the best trained ride you have ever had? Why that pretty submissive can go from a giggling silly girl to the hard fucking tramp that you love to fuck?

It is because they know where the rules are when they don’t need them and that  those rules won’t change when they do.

They know that their owner is proud of them and, while he may not always say it, he shows it and he expects them to do as he says without having to say it twice.

Show them that there are expectations and they will both do whatever they can to meet them, but treat them like just another horse in the field of many – that their need to understand why isn’t valid and they will start to wonder if they are valid, even if they know that they are. They just want to have that connection with you while in your strong arms to reconnect with their inner side as well.

That is  when the tame side of a horse and the child like side of the little you love begging you to wait, begging you to let them hold on to you just a little longer until that storm inside of them passes and then they look at you, smile at you, and you know they get it- they see the fences and they are home.

So proud. 

This time last yr I was about 420, ok so I still like the 420 this yr too – but last yr it was pounds. I was sleeping with/totally intwined with a married man who I thought had his wife’s blessing and believed he loved me, and so so insecure that a week vacation would have had me spinning. 

This year I have a kick ass job that I love. I have an amazing geekard of a boyfriend that I love and who really does love me, I am following directions!!! And last time I stepped on a scale, I was under 380 lbs. 

I still struggle with anxiety, but with lots of friends and my Maestre, I can feel those feelings, honor them, and then work thro them!!! 

 Yesterday I felt so alone, realizing it was because I cut back on messaging him while he is on his vacation and that felt like I had cut my own heart out plus made me feel alone.

Today is a much better day! I guess cuddling with kitty cats will do that 🙂 

Breakfast today- spinach and feta wrap with egg white 

aAnd yummy lunch– turkey and tators

Stupid things

Sometimes I do some really dumb things – not meaning to be dumb of course, usually out of a place of “Hey, let’s be friends” simple world views and I end up screwing up. 

I need to learn just to keep to myself and maybe not be so… yeah stupid is a good word for today’s behavior. 

I am losing weight, doing really good on my steps and exercises, self confidence is so coming back big time and have been marked as owned!! Thank you Maestre!!!! 

But I still need to work on speaking up and stopping the self beating up train when it starts. Sometimes,  I just don’t see what my boyfriend sees in me and I worry that he is going to get tired of me. I don’t know if I am as exciting as I was but I know I want to be and that is a good thing 🙂 

I can just be me, and that is pretty damn awesome. 

Shadows

I wrote this a while ago to put on my phone sex blog because it is hot- but wanted to put it here as this is the day I found out 2 years ago that the man I had loved passed away a year before, I wrote it because I couldn’t get the thought of having one last time with him off of my mind. I just didn’t want to write it as from me tho, so this turned out the best way to get my feelings out.

I am so blessed now to get to have a wonderful man in my life that I love and that I know loves me. Still new at the Poly thing- but I am so happy he is teaching me and allowing me the feelings that I do get sometimes and we can talk about. that is so new also.

Hope you enjoy-

She walks in shadows, keeping her steps steady and quiet. You would not
even know she was there if she did not make herself known to you, but she
sees all and dreams of even more. She watches as you lay down in
bed, wishing she could be there with you, making love with you one last
time.

She sets in the tree in the back yard, you know which one, the one that
you took her hard against that last night. Remembering the way your hands
felt on her body, your lips on her mouth, your cock deep inside of her as
you told her you would always love her.

She plays in the stream in the back yard, letting the cold water wash over
her body as she smiles up to the night sky; remembering the night you took
her by the hand there and asked her to be yours, laughing about how
nervous you were. That laugh you hear now, that you think it is just a dream
or a memory but it is her, there with you tonight.

As you lay in bed, you can’t help but feel her around you, to smell her
perfume as you lay your head down on her pillow. It is too warm in the
room to wear the blankets so you just lay there naked, wishing for one
last time.

Just as your eyes start to drift shut, you could swear you felt the bed
move, it was just a little and you convince yourself that it
was just a starting of a wonderful dream.

And it is, you see- tonight she gets her wish, one last time. She sits
down on the bed beside you and watches as you drift off to sleep. Slowly
she lifts her white lace night gown over her head and slides her body next
to yours, you stir just enough to reach out for her, and she slides in
your arms. She feels you take a deep breath knowing that you are smelling
her perfume.

She runs her hand down your chest and smiles as she watches the goose
bumps rise on your skin and hears your moan start deep down in your chest.
She feels you reach up and touch her hair like you always loved to do, it
would have taken her breath away- if she had any.

She can’t help but let a tear run down her check as she watches your lips
turn up into a smile and then leans down to kiss those wonderful lips while sliding her body even closer to yours and her hand down to
your hardening cock. “Always so hard for me” she giggles and her giggle
makes you smile, you can hear it in this wonderful dream you are having
and it makes you hard.

You moan as you feel her body next to yours, feels so life-like in this
dream and arch up in delight as her mouth circles your cock-head just the
way she knows you love her to do. You try to steady yourself or else you
will be cumming way too soon and – even tho this is a just a dream (or so
you think) you really don’t want it to be over this quickly.

She loves the way you arch up, gives her extra time to play with your
balls as she slides her mouth all the way down your shaft and swallows
your whole cock, smiling around it the way you moan out her name.

Your eyes start to flutter open in delight but she can’t allow that- the
moment you see her this dream ends and she can’t allow it to happen this
quickly, so she covers your eyes with her other hand as she moves up your
body to whisper in your ear, “shhhhh baby, relax, dream, be with me
tonight” and you fall back to sleep.

This is her time and she is going to enjoy every moment of it teasing you
and pleasing you all night until the sun comes up and she allows you to
awaken, she wants to leave you breathless just one last time.

All through the night she touches, kisses, licks, and brings you right to
the brink of cumming before stopping, but the sun is starting to rise and
she will have to leave soon. She knows this time is coming to an end so
she climbs up on top of you to lower her sweet pussy down over your large
full head. She starts to ride you like no other ever could and she hears
your heart start to pound in your chest.

You feel the most amazing feeling in the entire world,she is riding you
and this is too good to be a dream. This can’t just be a dream and your
heart starts to pound knowing instinctively that your pet is there with
you right now. Your brain is screaming at you to wake up!  Wake up right
fucking now.

She knows her time here is coming to an end shortly so she leans down,
grabs your hands putting them on her full wonderful breasts and starts to
squeeze your cock hard with every muscle in her body- she can feel your
balls start to harden, your cock start to throb, and wants to look in your
eyes one last time as you cum with her so she slaps your face with her
cold soft hand.

You feel a slap on your check and the coldness awakes you. Looking up you
see her. She is really there and she is really riding your hard cock right
now. You just lay there in disbelief until she moans out that she needs
your cum. She needs you to fill her up with your seed and take her “Sir
please” she whines as you feel your balls start to explode but wish you
could stop them, because somehow you just know that once this is over it
truly will be over; but you can’t stop, you can’t hold back.

You want this to last forever but you know this is your one shot to remind
her that you will always love her and she will always be yours!

She looks down at you with a soft smile and starts to ride you harder than
you have ever felt in your life; she knows the sun is on it’s way up and
she has to leave soon, but first she wants to make sure you know she is
happy, she is there and she is watching over you but most of all, she
wants your cum deep inside of her womb when she needs to go back.

She throws her head back and screams as you both start to cum. You deep
inside of her and she all over your body. Pure bliss could not even
describe this feeling and she knows it is the closest thing to heaven you
will feel for a while, so she wants to make sure you remember it!

As the waves of passion wash over you both, you see the tears in her eyes
and know she must go. She leans down to kiss your lips one last time and
whispers “find love my love, but know that I will always be here loving
you” as she starts to glow in a way you have never seen before.

She is so stunningly beautiful as she starts to slowly drift away that you
start to cry out “No don’t leave me” but she leans down, places her finger
on your lips and says, “I will here my love all you have to do is think
of me and I am here, I love you, go back to sleep and dream of me now ”

With that she is gone. You lay there for a while feeling her juices cool
on your skin as your tears start to flow down you face but then you see
the butterfly outside your window and you know you are not alone.

And you smile.

xoxoxo I miss you Tim but  I know you happy where every you ended up and I know that I have been blessed to have you for the short time that I did. Thank you.