New journey 

No not a new song from the band darn it!!

Starting March 1st I will be starting a journey of getting back in shape. I don’t want to loss my curves – I love those, I just wanna smoother out the rough spots and trim back the extra miles around them.

You see, I am 386 lbs. Yes, I can accept that I am a big gorgeous girl because my Sir has me saying that to myself every day, but-I miss walking without pain in my back and knee. I want to be able to hike, camp, and go for walks on the beach again (and ride the he’ll out of him also).

So starting the journey a bit early by sharing this here and hopefully sharing the good stuff as well as the “Oh my gosh, I can’t do this moments”.


When I am with you,

It’s not about sex.

It’s about feeling.

It’s about heat.

It’s about feeling that moment when you run your nails down my back and I cry out.

It’s about feeling the way my body becomes limp when you pull my hair back to expose my throat for your desires.

It’s about feeling the flutter of my pulse against your lips when you kiss my neck.

It’s about that whimper when your teeth bite down on the curve of my neck and I feel
your hot breath against my skin.

It’s about feeling the tensing of my body as you pull it hard against yours and you let your feral nature out to play.

It’s about feeling claw and bite marks as you decorate every part of my body- marking me as yours and making me squirm.

It’s about knowing that you are doing nothing to restrain me, but that my need to please you keeps me in my place.

It’s about the taste of your sweat on your lips when you kiss me, the feel of your skin on mine as you touch me, the
scent of your hair as you lean down to make sure I am ok, and knowing that your body aches, but you still want
more of what I crave to give you.

It’s knowing that I am
completely unrepentantly yours.

No, it’s not about sex.

You see, It’s about so much, much more. It is about how words go away and we operate on just feelings when I am with you.

Sub with a twist part 2! 

The second part about being a submissive with a Twist is that I love to watch pain.

 I love how it feels when that little bit of  pain starts rushing through my body -just a little bit at first, and then building up to the point where I can’t help but scream  and then back down to the little bit.

Something that really makes me fucking wet is watching someone be whipped, watching someone serve another person in a way that leaves them weak kneed.  I love to watch that so much. Getting turned in right now even, just thinking about it. 

Maybe that’s why it’s a good thing I keep the phone job on the side because that’s where I get to work out all my little inner demons on the submissive men that call me. Love to hear them beg to be hurt. 

Submissive with a twist

I always knew I loved to serve, I loved to make people comfortable and to be of service. I also grew up with that wonderful  (not) twist of having anxiety issues. 

As I started down my path of discovering who I was as a submissive, I ran into a few men who  consider themselves Doms.

Those are the men that could see the anxiety and liked to play with it. “You know you’re never going to be quite good enough, but I  will keep yiu”.” You’re just not quite there yet” would be something that one of them would always say, leaving me question not only myself but my servitude.  Was it really a gift if it wasn’t very good?

I was very lucky that I met Master Hawk when I did.

 He took me under his wing and told me that no matter what I was always going to be good enough I was always going to be just Lois and that was fine. I didn’t have to be anyone else.

In the past few years I’ve been extremely lucky- I may have had some pretty crappy personal relationships with men, but the two lifestyle relationships I have been a part of had taught me that I am a wonderful person when I am just being me and letting all sides of me come out to play.

These men are both  very important to me, but I don’t love them like I do my boyfriend/New Dom. I wasn’t planning on loving him, he was just going to be a coffee date and maybe a new friend. But he made me laugh so hard on that coffee date, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. It’s funny, I don’t kiss people right away and all I wanted to do was kiss him- I didn’t though, I was good girl. 

We kept trying to go out on different dates and I kept having to cancel: A) my car wasn’t working B) I was too damn nervous because my damn anxiety was starting to kick in and I didn’t want to have to face it, but there was just something about this man and that made me willing to face it. I haven’t felt this way in a very long

I learned how to deal with my anxiety issues, it wasn’t an easy trip. First there was doctors then there was doctor’s medicines, that medicine screwed me up so bad. There were cuts, there were burns, there were illegal medicines. 

And then there was a counselor, she told me to sit and put pen to paper and start writing just write, write, write-up  until my soul felt like it was done crying. This counselor was amazing, we did so much talking, she taught me to face my anxiety issues head-on not to let them get the better of me. I wish I would have known her when I was a young girl but she came into my life when it was time.

So that brings me to today. I am in love with a wonderful funny caring kind man who also has a very dry sense of humor. We have started down the road of submissive and Dom, and I enjoy it so very very much

. But Here Comes The Twist, of course, I worry and I have such anxiety about not being exciting and a good addition to his poly life. I worry about being vetoed.

I worry about crap when all I have to do is be me, the wonderful, caring, fun girl that caught his eye- in other words … be just me.

When we switch into BDSM roles It feels so natural. It feels so good. I just want to keep that going, I know though that sometimes I need to double ask (like 3 or 4 times) are you sure this is what you want?  when he’s already told me yes once and I’m becoming a pain.

D-   I can tell you that I love you and you’re very important to me. I know you get tired of hearing that, but it’s true. I can also tell you, my submissive side recognizes you as her Dom and that is fucking powerful.

I will do my best to face anxiety head on and not to be a pain in your ass, but I’ll also talk to you about it – because I don’t want to screw up such a good thing.


There are so many different types of screams; there are those of pain, those of fear and also those of pleasure. 

My favorite types of screams that I love to hear are those that are filled with pleasure mixed with pain and a touch of strength shining thro.

Those screams you hear right after seeing the belt hit her skin and watch as her body works hard to transfer that pain into a pleasure and strains against rolling over or begging to stop.

When her mouth opens in that silent scream that you know is building up, the way she slides her lips between her teeth and starts to bite them, trying to fight off the scream. It is a struggle you know she won’t win. 

When her eyes suddenly open wide and then slowly slide back under her heavy lids-that is when you know you have truly reached her pleasure point.

The scream that starts as a quiet moan starts to shake her whole body as it forces itself way out of her tightly closed lips. 

You can hear her voice crack as she leans her head down to bite the pillow and screams through the pain allowing her body. to transform into your instrument for your own pleasure and release.

You listen as the scream starts to fade back into that sweet lust-filled moan. 

You watch as her body takes on a glow and welts form under her skin that will so nicely bruise shortly. 

You feel her body start to untense and relax like warm pudding right before  you smile to yourself and raise that leather belt up in the air to start her screams all over again.

Being a little

I have a little in me, she is that part of me that still believes every thing is going to work out and be alright, as long as we so our best and try to stay positive.

I am a grown smart woman, but this side keeps me balanced and if I don’t let that side express itself, them I am setting myself up for a real bad day.

I don’t get a lot of time to let her out to play so sometimes she comes out when I am super relaxed – like after a wonderful bout of bdsm play or a great movie, or great sex or just when I am free to laugh and have fun.

But other times, that super vulnerable part of me comes out and all I want is reassurance that I am right where I am supposed to be, that I am safe and loved and wanted.  That part came out after a wonderful get away with my BF, But it was when he was in the middle of fucking me into the mattress  and I was flying! Every deep pound inside of me opened me up deeper and deeper to him and – I am super embarrassed to admit that I was begging him to love me.  He did the best thing ever – kept fucking me into the mattress and told me why he loves me. It was amazing.  And we didn’t make a big deal about it 🙂

I just gave my inner little time on Sunday to come out and play- coloring, being silly, and then did massive journaling as that is what helps with bringing both sides back in balance.  And helps with the secondary drop I sometimes seem to get a few days after bdsm (and or couple) play.

I don’t usually talk to anyone about this drop because – well I was trained to be quiet and just deal with it, took Dean months to convince me that I could talk about it, and I still haven’t talked to MHM that I love about it,  which I will do because he needs to know, I just didn’t want to be a pain and he seemed really busy lately with home and work, but date night is coming up soon 🙂

Being a little in a grown up world isn’t easy but it is part of what makes me who I am too:)

Three ways, two days

So much to write about but not sure where all to start? 

BF and I took a trip took a trip to see his wife, it was awesome.  Laughed so hard at date-rape drug  jokes – maybe too hard at some 🙂

Faced some punishment and wow, that was a long 30 minutes, but drove the point of proper behavior home real fast!   

Fulfilled fanasties I have craved and some I didn’t even know I had.

But also got to know these two really cool people better, and really got to connect and bond in the rain, with the BF.

Those last two days changed my life in three ways

 1. Knowledge that I am loved and I don’t  need to always say the words, he knows., and so do I when I look in his eyes.

2. Experiencing gags, 30 mins of little voice commands, hands around my throat while knowing that the driver in the black truck might have been able to see, feeling like one of the hottest subs around as his hands laid that leather against my ass. 

3. Relationships aren’t all bad, those that were are over and will not come up again- they are buried. Relationships- both as in friendship and in an amazing sexual way, really do get better with communication and cuddles.