It,  we all know what it is don’t we? 

You think you’re safe, you think you’re healthy, you do your best to limit your sexual partners and if you don’t want to limit them, at least you’re careful with them, as careful as you can be that is.

And then you get the call, or the message…. “hey you might want to get looked at. This might be something”.  Nothing like those words to make you stop and take a closer look and see the amazing  moments in your life that you may have been missing.  

Scary- yes. Life ending- nope.

Relationship ending- Not on this end, I just found it and it is awesome- why the hell would I walk away from that over a scare? Or even if it is something worse- why would I walk away from the thing that makes me feel oh so very loved?

Time and doctors will tell what is going on, but you have to wait for that. 

You have to wait and not make any rash (pardon the pun) decisions.

 You have to wait and realize the important things in your life that mean so much to you, are still going to be here when the wait is over and the doctor tells you what to expect.  They will still be there. Because you are that special to them and mean so much also.

life changes even when you don’t want it to, but not all changes are bad- you just have work a little harder to get through. 

Scary -yes…. but all growth is. 

Run….. I love you. 

Funny how much those words sound the same in my head.

You see, i can tell my family and friends that I love them and I truely do! I love then in so many different ways but they are all so special to me.

I can count on one hand how many men I have told I love them (other than my son and the guys in my family that is)  I dont even need a hand!

1- I did love him, part of my heart still does. He never said he loved me until I walked away, when I came back, those words went a way. If he loved me, why was it so easy to just walk away and never even say sorry? Never look back other to text a few times asking for a bj? Still a bit raw I guess, but as we are coming up on a year without him in my life- it isnt so painful as it was.

2- he quieted my soul. We would sit and watch movies, he would make me food. I thought it was because he loved me- found out later it was because he wanted me to eat once a day and lose this weight. I think I was looking for a love that was lost and he was there needing me to help pay the bills and pretent he was my master.

4- I only said it once to him and it was never said back in words but it was in actions. We shoped toghether, he took me to get nails done. We talked- truely talked. He smiled and lit up the room when he saw me.  It was the day he told me he had cancer and was going back to his ex. That was the day i said it and he said me too, but you deserve better, you are worth more. Those words broke my heart. The last time I said it was after we hung up the phone after telling me he was done fighting. I will always love him and thank him for showing how I should be treated.

4- this one. This one amazes me. It didnt see him coming and he is an amazing man. I adore him I adore who I am around him.  He said it 1st, and part of me questions if he said it because he as a medical scare and pnce he finds out it is ok, he will take it back. But that is on him and I do, I do love him. Sometimes I wonder if rhe other shoe will hurt when it falls – but I don’t care, I like some pain, and it is so worth it to see him smile and feel him kiss me. I do so love him and so happy to say it. Heck, i even have our pic together at zoo lights up on my cube wall at work!!!

The toy 

I am no stranger to toy stores, sex toy stores. I’ve been in them before, I’ve been in the alone,  I’ve been in with friends, I  have had  fun in them looking around and exploring,  finding another new toy I’d like to try out someday.
So when he said we were going to the store to find a cute butt plug for me,  I was excited with a touch of nerves.
Walking in, I felt so sexy and why wouldnt I? I was there with the handsomest man in the place! We got looking at toys, and something changed in me and i dont understand why.
Maybe because this is truely my 1st experience being truly poly and not just “a friend you and your wife like to play with at the same time”, I don’t really know where these feeling came from but instead of speaking up and dealing with them, I walked away and sperated him from helping me deal with them also.

It seemed like every toy I touched or talked about trying, either #1 or #2 already has or has had experienced, I started feeling like there was no way I could be part with them because I do not have their experience. I have alot of sexual experience, too much I feel some times, but I don’t have their experience with relationships. The tipping point was when I had to admit to myself (and him) there was a reason I don’t have lots and that was because I never had anyone to play with them with me due to my choices.

Larry and iI were together for over 8 yrs and most of that consisted of park visits, hot tub vists, hotel and his house visits to have sex, conversation was not important or had time for. I am not a victim!!! Those were my choices to go with also..

 I just wish i could have told handsome how I was feeling and that I wanted to feel special too,  but he knew it- he knew it right away when i started shutting down, and he pulled my ass right out if it!!

Standing there in the store kissing me and making me say that i was worth so much, that was a 1st and i really needed (need) that in my life! 

We got a cute little butt toy that is just mine, it is our special toy and just ours 🙂 

 The fun we had with that toy was beyond words, and that is a story for next time beceasue it was amazing over and over again. 

But this is the moment that I needed to face facts,  that I may not have as much experience as the others, I may not be as special as they are in his life right now;however, I am damn special!!!

  I am me and I  am sexy, desired, and wanted.  It is time I own that beautiful part of me and enjoy every minute of it!!!

I am special to him in my own way, just like he is to me, and I so look forward to seeing where this is growning more and more every day 🙂

Ps – that toy is amazing!!! Had me begging for more more more.

What makes me me?

So tonight my handsome man asked me a question, it took me a while to realize how to answer it and  I’m still not sure of correct way to answer it.

“What was something in your childhood that made you who you are today?”

Where do I begin?  Do I begin as a cute little kindergardener  or first grade or second grader who thought life was wonderful and great; until she was introduced to “special games” and then she realized that the special games that her cousin was playing with her wasn’t just with he.  They were with her sister too. As time went on, they were their games and he no longer wanted/needed that sweet tarnished girl.

Or when I was that cute little girl that just wanted her step daddy to love her and he did love her. He loved her in his own special way. You see, he also taught her the value of money at the same time. You do something you don’t really want to and you get money for it.  She was too young to understand what that meant, but she understood that with the money, she could live out her fantasies and going to get chocolate bars and doing nothing but sitting on the deck watching the water go by

Do I go back to that sixth grader -seventh grader that decided life wasn’t worth living so she tried to kill herself three times? Or the teenager that just wanted to be liked? Or the teenager that got tired and found ways to deal with issues, in all the wrong way, but kept trying.

Or do I  go back to the woman that gave birth to a beautiful daughter and amazing son and realized that this life has so much to offer, she knows that there’s joy in every little thing.  we just have to look for it.

The woman that walked into a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and decided she was no longer going to drink, the woman that walked into a job with all these other strong women that taught me was okay to leave a man that really was going to hit me and really hurt me someday?

Or do I go to now? the woman that laughs, loves, giggles and is tearing down these walls because she’s 50 years old and she sick and tired of not knowing her own self-worth, she sick and tired of not standing up and saying I am f****** gorgeous and I  deserve a man that knows how gorgeous I am?

The woman I am today is a changing fluctuating woman that is learning so much about the poly Lifestyle by watching a loving couple. By asking questions and by allowing herself to be adored by very handsome man.

She not feel like she needs to question every little reason, every little word, that’s the woman that I want to grow into and I am.

It feels really good