I woke up having a ton of fucking emotions and I just want to talk to you about them. I want to work through them to make sure that I am not just spiraling out of emotional control on my own because I feel like I am.
I know this and I always believed it is my job as a strong lady to work it out and deal with it, don’t dear let some one know and ask for help because then I allow them in and to see I am weak too. I also always know that I over feel, over care, over think and worry about becoming a burden in my own mind, thus truly becoming one in real life.
But I am also your submissive and that means walking a fine line of becoming so dependent on you as my Dom, that just a quick message back saying that you see me reaching out makes me feel like I am heard.
Becoming dependent is something I did before and I became too dependent. I want to know how to be that submissive that I feel inside, that I know I truly am and yet keep this independence I have worked so hard for.
I backed off that morning, put my phone down and went and did things with my family knowing that I am loved, not just by you but by so many and that, even though poly is hard sometimes, I wouldn’t change it because of the joy I get when it just feel so right.
For so long in relationships I was so worried because I always heard “you could be replaced” and “that one person should meet all your needs” and it’s such bullshit, but yet when I see someone else meeting your needs I worry that I’m never going to be enough and that’s okay, because I’m not. I’m never going to be enough to meet every one of your needs, but I’m going to be enough to meet every one of those needs that I can. I have to remember that to make good days good.
Laying in bed this morning with your arms around me reminded me why I battle doubts about myself and poly and don’t just cut and run back to what I know, why i take the time to talk myself down from my thoughts and venture forward into the unknown. I look down at my bunny tattoos, see that I am jumping to conclusions and I am making up so many issues in my head that I believe them.
I have a saying on my wall that says “when I tell you that I love you, it doesn’t mean I know you won’t ever go away, just that I wish you didn’t have to. ” I don’t know where this is going with new girls and that is so new to me, it is scary for me.
I want to be the supportive girl friend I want to be fun and I want to be exciting and it actually does turn me on, 3 ways turn me on, but then the default kicks in I think ” but If he wants her he can’t possibly want me” fuck I hate that default.
I am tired of it, and I know it is bullshit.
I have been shoving that feeling down since my cousin chose to stop molesting me one day and my older sister was in the house instead. In my mind he chose her over me to share that special time with and I don’t remember him touching me again after that day. He told me he loved me and I was special but after that day I was no longer special to him and he left.
How fucked is that? How fucked up is it that I fear something happening to prove to me again that the default that was created then is right?
I don’t fucking want that.
I also know that I don’t want to take him for granted because I know he’s choosing to be here and one day, he might choose to not be here. Hence the “I wish you didn’t have to” part of the quote.
I can also make that choice, and that is powerful to say that. I am not a victim. I am not that little girl any longer that has to be so afraid that the man I love is going to decide one day he no longer loves me because that crap was not love, it was abuse, this is love, as strange and scary as it is.
And, I am a grown ass lady who has feelings, needs, and wants but no one is going to know what those are if I don’t open my damn mouth and talk about them.
Thank you for taking time to help me work through this and loving me through it all.