Two

Today’s body part is something that I have a love hate relationship with, and lately dislike is winning the battle.

My boobs. I should be wearing a 46H bra but since I can not afford that, I fit them into a 46-48 DDD. Not comfy and the top pokes out. That may be why dislike is winning.

I also see so many women with such beautiful breasts and I do wish mine were firmer, perkier, and more attractive. There’s one woman who is absolutely beautiful, her tits are gorgeous and I can’t help but wish that mine looked like that, but that being said, I also understand that there other women out there that wish theirs could be like mine. I loved it when my friend said it’s not about getting what you want to make you happy it’s about being happy with what you have and what I have are two beautiful breasts, even if I don’t think so some days.

I am almost 52 yrs old, I have had two kids, I have also lost over 60 lbs!!! So yes they do hand down, that is just natural for some women.

My breasts are big, they are comfy pillows for my gbaby to rest on as well as my lover.

They are sensitive, a soft touch or a stinging slap can have me sliding my eyes shut in pleasure, moaning in delight or crying out in pain.

They are amazingly able to be played with, they do leak when they are full and I love that feeling. They take to rope and zip ties, and are so fun to decorated with bruises.

Yes, I do see those that look at me in disgust when they see my size, but I have even more of those that crave to be able to play with breasts like theses.

As for today I want am proud of my heavy beautiful breasts and I’m going to say that every day until I am proud of them all of the time, because they are part of me and I’m blessed to be able to still have them.

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One…

Day one so today is the first day of journaling to get my smile back. This tattoo is absolutely beautiful it is a matching tattoo that my children and I both have my son has the Blue Bunny and my daughter has the green bunny.

We got these tattoos to help remind us not to jump to conclusions when we don’t know the answers. It hasn’t been working very much lately because I’ve been jumping to conclusions about not being wanted because others are so beautiful, and that’s such bullshit because I am also. I just haven’t been feeling it and that makes me unattractive.

What it is is that I don’t feel wanted because I don’t feel wanted within myself, I miss the person I used to be and I’m letting work destroy my happiness and that’s not okay.

My boyfriend can want me to the high moons and if I don’t feel like I’m worth it then I’m not going to give him the respect and I’m not going to give me the respect that I deserve. I hate feeling this way and sometimes I don’t know a way out and other times I know the way out and I don’t know if I want to do the work to do it.

I’ve been banned off of Facebook for 3 days for apparently posting something I should know posted, I made a fake profile to go back onto Facebook and then I realized maybe I just need to take these three days away from Facebook and away from any other social media except for this one to get back to me. I miss me, I miss the girl that wants to share her boyfriend and get off on his stories(because I do) and that I do have other people too. I miss the girl that laughs and that’s beautiful inside and out and I’m still here I just need to bring her out.

So that’s the one part of myself that I like-that tattoo, and it’s only one part. there’s so much more to this that is me. One of the things that I’m proud of, is that even though I don’t want to walk to work, I have been and I’m going to continue doing it.

Fuck this shit

So tonight I went out for dinner with some friends. I watched how much she glowed when she talked, and I thought to myself that used to be me. I used to glow like that when I talked and I used to glow when I smiled.

Where along the way did I lose that? When did I become so quietly self-destructive with my thinking again? Why, after all this work I’ve done in the past 2 years, do I listen to my head when I tell myself that my body is not beautiful. Or that I’m not good enough? Or that I don’t measure up, when all I want to do is just smile and laugh again?

A guest once told us at the hotel that he loved to stay with us because she and I had the most beautiful smiles, that just counterbalanced each other. I miss those days.

She was talking about how she’s so proud of herself and she knows who she is, and I thought damn that used to be me. So how do I get that back? How do I get rid of this stupid fucking self image that is screwing with my life that I don’t want?

April 16th 2016 is when I really seriously had my heartbroken but it also gave me a reason to say fuck you, to go to the doctor make sure I was in decent shape to start losing weight.

That was the day that I found out I was 420 lbs, I swore that I would never be that heavy again, and now I’m looking at being 364 lb, but but now I’m convincing myself day you myself that’s not right and that’s not going to happen. I can only be happy if I decide to be happy and I can only get a goal if I to make sure I keep the path.

So every day until April 16th I am in going to post something I like about myself as well as some thing I am proud of my self for.

I want my fucking glow back and that doesn’t mean I have to be skinny to have it it just means I need to have a lot more self-confidence and start fucking enjoying life a lot more because I was high as a kite tonight I should have been laughing I should have been giggling I should have been having as much fun as everyone else but in my head I just kept going over and over crap that I don’t need to go over. And then of course I say things I think I really need to say, but really are better off probably not saying.

So there’s my goals, I hope you guys stick with me and give me encouragement to keep going. I really need that.

thank you all

Why

Do you really like me? Why do you need to know? do you feel like I like you? Do I smile when I see you? do I spend time to talk with you?

Do you love me? Why do you need to know? Don’t I tell you I love you when I feel like telling you it? Don’t I make time to spend with just you and then also with our friends?

Am I doing a good enough job at work? Why do you need to know? Do you feel like you are? Do you get your job done at the end of the day you feel complete? Do you still have a job to go to tomorrow?

Does my family and friends want me around? Why do you need to know? Don’t they make a point of always coming when you call them? Don’t they make a point of inviting you to go places with them? Don’t they text you everyday just to say hi sometimes?

Why do you have so many questions? Why can’t you just trust? Why why why???

Is it because you use to trust until it came into your life, whatever it may be man woman, brother, sister, father mother, it – – you know the one thing that brought your anxiety in to play with your sweet little mind and make you have so many questions.

Whatever it is, it’s not here anymore it’s gone so why is your anxiety still here little one?

Why do you feel like you need to know everything when sometimes you don’t you just need to let life happen. You don’t need to know all the answers before the questions are even asked.

It is in the past, it is not happening now, it is not going to happen today-however you darling are happening and you decide what path you’re going to be going down.

Are you going to be the scared little timid rabbit that needs to know where the next carrot is coming from? That needs to know that around that corner there’s not some big scary monster that’s going to come out and lop your head off?

Or are you going to be that beautiful beautiful snake that goes to the Garden with an attitude of what up mother fucker? yeah, there could be a a farmer around the corner waiting to cut your head off, but so what?

This is where you get to choose how you live your life. you don’t live your life based on the past because, how well is that working out for you a little one?

My challenge is that for the rest of this weekend and all of the most all of next week I don’t need to know. I don’t need to ask. I just need to live my life and enjoy this day that I’m given.

Letter to a man with patience

So you have decided to start dating, wooing, flirting with a woman that was once with a narcissistic man.

I’m sorry. Please know that we get just as tired of saying that as you are going to get of hearing it, because you will. You will hear it a lot and you will get tired of i and we will get tired of saying it.

You can tell us 500 hundred times that we are good, we are beautiful, we are loved and yet- we will keep a watchful eye for the moment that changes so we can be prepared for what may come.

We wish we could just relax and laugh at your teasing jokes but see- those jokes that most find cute and funny, we got used to hearing them in a totally different way.

We have the guard up no matter what and it so isn’t about you at all.

We may want to play with you, we may enjoy your time and we may fall deeply deeply in love with you, what ever this relationship may be come- it is important to us and we are so afraid we are going to destroy it with our insecurities we we try so damn hard to be perfect and what you need- but yet don’t want to loose ourselves in another relationship yet again.

Thank you for seeing through our walls and remembering that we need an extra touch of care, mostly when you are chasing new dreams and paths.

Some days we are so confident and somedays we feel like no one truly sees us.

We love and thank you, you see we know this is not easy for you because somewhere deep inside of us, no matter how much we don’t want it to show, there is still that damaged piece of us

That damaged piece keeps repeating that we’re not good enough, we don’t deserve this- it’s hard to get that voice to shut up sometimes because that was the voice that came through in jokes and snide remarks, it was that voice that made us wonder every day if something was going to be different, would today be the day he was going to hit me? Because it would be better to be hit than to be ignored or looked down upon because of who we are, or to be laughed at for being stupid.

Dear patient man, we thank you because we know that you’re not that man, you’re not the person, who put that broken part there but you are the man that has to deal with it because you love us. and it’s not fair to you, we know that. But we thank you so much for just loving us and laughing with us and being there with us when that damage side starts to poke through a little bit.

Bi polar

When I say I’m bi I mean it more than one way unfortunately.

Of course I mean it the conventional way I love women as much as I love men, okay maybe not as much, but I do enjoy women very much.

The something I’m having to face is the fact that I’m also bipolar and I haven’t done anything about it in a very long time.

I haven’t taken medicine for it since 2008, when we were trying out new medicine left me a zombie, it left me with no sex drive, and it left me more suicidal than I was ever before in my life. Lithium cause me to lose the best job I’ve ever had in my life. Flexar cost me feel like I was relapsing on coke, and Paxil made me want to jump out in front of a truck because the colors in my head were so beautiful all night long. I didn’t get any sleep.

So I stopped taking medicine then started doing self care i e either burning myself, overeating, or going into a beautiful new phase of losing weight, walking, enjoying life.

Doing what I could to calm down my happy manic side so that I wasn’t so worn out that I could still handle when the bad parts came I could be ready for them.

But lately, with everything that is going on at work and in my life with the move and being away from my family, I’ve noticed that I haven’t been handling it very well.

My manic side takes over so hard lately that I get so excited, so happy, the sex is beyond amazing and I feel amazing, even when I am up at 2:00am waiting for the pot I just smoked to hit in and help me go back to sleep and my mind is wound up so tight that I wish I could just shut it off but yet wish I could tap into this and save it for my down time.

And the down side does come, when my depression starts it’s really getting bad again also.

Like crying for no reason when I should be happy, like bothering my boyfriend with so many freakin texts that even I get sick and tired of hearing my own bing, but yet I keep doing it, a spending money that I don’t have on clothes that I don’t need and then wondering how I can take them back.

And even if he won’t anything or even if it isn’t happening- in my mind I know that it’s affecting my relationship. Because I go from so excited that he’s meeting a new person and that he’s going to meet her and be happy and enjoy the day to being so worried that he’s no longer going to want me because I’m not what she is, even though I’ve never been what she is, I’m only what I am and he likes that, hell he even loves it.

It makes me so tired and I know it has to him to, when he can’t deal with all of this shit and shouldn’t have to.

I just want to be on a more level playing field in my mind and with my emotions. But do I go back to trying all the different meds and doing that dance I am scared of doing again? Us it really going to be better than the road I am on now?

It is almost 3 am, I feel like getting up to clean my house to burn off all this extra energy, but I know I need to harness this energy in and get some rest so that when I go to work today I can keep it together and keep it calm.

So that today when I message my boyfriend I only do it one time to say good morning and I wait to hear back I don’t keep bothering him.

So that today in case the crash starts I’m ready for it.

So I’m going to call the doctor today. I’m going to go back in and actually talk to them and see what we can do now and if it’s any better than what it was all those years ago,.

because right now, I have to tell you- a hot burning knife looks so good. I don’t ever want to hurt myself again just to enjoy and excape pain, mostly not since I have an amazing Maestre that can give me such beautiful pain, but it is so tempting so days.

It’s 3 a.m. and I just wish I could go back to sleep.