Doll’s lifeĀ 

My grandbaby has these dolls she takes baths with. Every time after the bath, they would be put away differently. 

I joked around with my darling Meta, that I should write a blog about their poly lifestyle with pics, even had some pretty good pictures šŸ™‚ 

However; last Monday night, I came home to something that has been throwing me for a loop and don’t really know what to think, lol. 

We had an awesome date night, I love getting to spend time with my boyfriend, it is just really nice. He talked- no we talked,  about how maybe I should start seeing other people again and not be so dependent on him (which is hard for me because I allowed my submissive walls to come down with him and let him deeply inside. I learned to trust and try again and my submissive side is nervous),  it was a great talk and I felt good about my feelings and our relationship. 

But when I got home I noticed the next day,  the dark hair girl was gone from the tub. It was just the two blondes left.  Apparently her hair was icky and she got removed from the pairing. 

I don’t usually let my anxiety talk to me for a long time because I know it is just crap talking, but today (and part of this weekend) it is just bugging me. What if I am that dark haired girl and,  since he is doing so great in his life, job, relationships he (they) no longer want me around?  Which is bullshit cuz I am awesome lol giggle 

See silly stuff, but as we hit the 8 month mark of us dating I just worry about being boring. He says that I am still loved,  so why am I letting this silly little thing trigger me and make me doubt myself? Maybe the stress of moving and of being so sick lately, putting the weight I had lost back on, and also the questions my inner deep mono side keeps wanting to ask- why do you really want me to see other people? Even tho, hello– poly here and part of being poly is seeing other people, not because you are not wanted or loved but because YOU ARE!!! 

I am not that dark haired doll, I am not easily replaced and I just have to have faith that if I just keep on being just me and enjoying my life every little thing will be alright. 

Damn, I could really use a hug right now. Lol 

Submissive with a twist

I always knew I loved to serve, I loved to make people comfortable and to be of service. I also grew up with that wonderful  (not) twist of having anxiety issues. 

As I started down my path of discovering who I was as a submissive, I ran into a few men who  consider themselves Doms.

Those are the men that could see the anxiety and liked to play with it. “You know you’re never going to be quite good enough, but I  will keep yiu”.” You’re just not quite there yet” would be something that one of them would always say, leaving me question not only myself but my servitude.  Was it really a gift if it wasn’t very good?

I was very lucky that I met Master Hawk when I did.

 He took me under his wing and told me that no matter what I was always going to be good enough I was always going to be just Lois and that was fine. I didn’t have to be anyone else.

In the past few years I’ve been extremely lucky- I may have had some pretty crappy personal relationships with men, but the two lifestyle relationships I have been a part of had taught me that I am a wonderful person when I am just being me and letting all sides of me come out to play.

These men are both  very important to me, but I don’t love them like I do my boyfriend/New Dom. I wasn’t planning on loving him, he was just going to be a coffee date and maybe a new friend. But he made me laugh so hard on that coffee date, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. It’s funny, I don’t kiss people right away and all I wanted to do was kiss him- I didn’t though, I was good girl. 

We kept trying to go out on different dates and I kept having to cancel: A) my car wasn’t working B) I was too damn nervous because my damn anxiety was starting to kick in and I didn’t want to have to face it, but there was just something about this man and that made me willing to face it. I haven’t felt this way in a very long

I learned how to deal with my anxiety issues, it wasn’t an easy trip. First there was doctors then there was doctor’s medicines, that medicine screwed me up so bad. There were cuts, there were burns, there were illegal medicines. 

And then there was a counselor, she told me to sit and put pen to paper and start writing just write, write, write-up  until my soul felt like it was done crying. This counselor was amazing, we did so much talking, she taught me to face my anxiety issues head-on not to let them get the better of me. I wish I would have known her when I was a young girl but she came into my life when it was time.

So that brings me to today. I am in love with a wonderful funny caring kind man who also has a very dry sense of humor. We have started down the road of submissive and Dom, and I enjoy it so very very much

. But Here Comes The Twist, of course, I worry and I have such anxiety about not being exciting and a good addition to his poly life. I worry about being vetoed.

I worry about crap when all I have to do is be me, the wonderful, caring, fun girl that caught his eye- in other words … be just me.

When we switch into BDSM roles It feels so natural. It feels so good. I just want to keep that going, I know though that sometimes I need to double ask (like 3 or 4 times) are you sure this is what you want?  when he’s already told me yes once and I’m becoming a pain.

D-   I can tell you that I love you and you’re very important to me. I know you get tired of hearing that, but it’s true. I can also tell you, my submissive side recognizes you as her Dom and that is fucking powerful.

I will do my best to face anxiety head on and not to be a pain in your ass, but I’ll also talk to you about it – because I don’t want to screw up such a good thing.