Day 22 – choices have consequences

So I got to work slowly but surely yesterday only to have my boss send me home due to being in so much pain and looking so wiped out.

I wish I could stay home today as well but with that choice comes having to use up my saved up leave time as well as looking bad in front of my new supervisor so I will be there!

For today’s positively, I chose my tummy and the scars on it.

In my belly button, there is the scar from having it pierced as well as that cute smiling face scar that proves my membership into the fixed women’s club. No more worries about baby making for me.

Around my belly button are the stretch marks from carrying two beautiful babies. My most proud scars.

Above that, the scar between the unfinished tattoos, that is the scar that saved my life. It is from my gallbladder being removed. I choose to have it removed the old way and because I did that, I have a humongous scar, but also because I did that, I am alive today. My gall bladder was extremely infected and did indeed burst the moment they removed it.

My tummy is beautifully large, I am working more and more everyday day to mix up my exercises so that my tummy gets tighter and that is slowly happening 🙂

I am proud of the choices I am making today!!!

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Day 14 in pics

Feeling proud, sore and hurting today but proud because I am doing the work it takes to see that changes.

I am nervous and excited to compare the pics from day one to day 30 on the 16th of April to see if any changes 🙂 but I am becoming unashamed and that is the biggest change of all.

Eleven in pic

No pictures today, I just couldn’t do it. It’s been a really hard day today and I couldn’t stand to take a picture of myself. I’m not going to critique how I look today because I know that it’s just an image, but it was a really really hard day.

I hear about how these other beautiful skinny women feel so bad about themselves and all I want to say is but what do they have to feel bad about, they’re skinny and they’re beautiful.

So yeah today I’m jealous, infatuation hurts sometimes and I’m upset with myself that I’m feeling less than.

I just did not want to see my body today.

10 in pics

Ok I am not liking this. Lol I forgot how hard it is to see a pic when I feel so different. I feel thin, I feel… Not this big that is for sure.

I am blessed beyond words but still hard to accept that I may never be thin again, but I will be healthier than now.

I know that exercise is paying off and it is a process

But damn my ass is hot in yoga pants!!

Why

Do you really like me? Why do you need to know? do you feel like I like you? Do I smile when I see you? do I spend time to talk with you?

Do you love me? Why do you need to know? Don’t I tell you I love you when I feel like telling you it? Don’t I make time to spend with just you and then also with our friends?

Am I doing a good enough job at work? Why do you need to know? Do you feel like you are? Do you get your job done at the end of the day you feel complete? Do you still have a job to go to tomorrow?

Does my family and friends want me around? Why do you need to know? Don’t they make a point of always coming when you call them? Don’t they make a point of inviting you to go places with them? Don’t they text you everyday just to say hi sometimes?

Why do you have so many questions? Why can’t you just trust? Why why why???

Is it because you use to trust until it came into your life, whatever it may be man woman, brother, sister, father mother, it – – you know the one thing that brought your anxiety in to play with your sweet little mind and make you have so many questions.

Whatever it is, it’s not here anymore it’s gone so why is your anxiety still here little one?

Why do you feel like you need to know everything when sometimes you don’t you just need to let life happen. You don’t need to know all the answers before the questions are even asked.

It is in the past, it is not happening now, it is not going to happen today-however you darling are happening and you decide what path you’re going to be going down.

Are you going to be the scared little timid rabbit that needs to know where the next carrot is coming from? That needs to know that around that corner there’s not some big scary monster that’s going to come out and lop your head off?

Or are you going to be that beautiful beautiful snake that goes to the Garden with an attitude of what up mother fucker? yeah, there could be a a farmer around the corner waiting to cut your head off, but so what?

This is where you get to choose how you live your life. you don’t live your life based on the past because, how well is that working out for you a little one?

My challenge is that for the rest of this weekend and all of the most all of next week I don’t need to know. I don’t need to ask. I just need to live my life and enjoy this day that I’m given.