Intensely 

I’ve known since little girl I’ve always been intense.

This last year has shown me that sometimes it’s okay to stop being so intense, mostly these last few days.

I have been learning alot about myself,  not all because I wanted to but because I want this relationship, these friendships, and my path that I am on right now to continue in the right ways. 

I love in full, I have always believed in the fairy tales of how when you fall in love you feel complete and “the one” will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

 I could never understand why relationships didn’t work for me, why each one that ended badly left me scared to try the new one on.

 I could never understand why relationships that did work longer were with married men who wanted to own me but also wanted me to go see others. 

Those relationships ended because I fell too hard and craved more attention,  but didn’t know then what I am learning from my bf now- that the attention I crave can and should come from me 1st. 

Why does learning have to hurt so much sometimes? 

To hear him be honest with me about not missing me as much as I miss him brought back memories of Larry telling me that he needed to end our affair because I was in too deep and that I gave up my own fun life to be available for him whenever.  I thought that is what one did as a girlfriend but also as a submissive.  Yes, it hurt hearing that but yet – made me want to spend sometime figuring out why I felt like I missed him so much, I mean- I don’t want a full time live in lover, I want this, I want the freedom this relationship gives me.  

Think when I say I miss him it isn’t me saying I want him around all the time not living his own life, or saying that I don’t feel connected to him, it is I miss the connection we have when we are alone together, laughing, going to the movies, kissing, and having amazing sex.  I guess what I should say next time I want to say that is what I miss doing or want to do again.  Instead of I miss you – I want to hold your hand at the movies again when we can please. 

I do not want to have history keep repeating itself in order for me learn and improve. I started down that path again and this week really opened my eyes. 

I want him to miss me when we can’t see each other,  but not because I keep telling him I love and miss him; I want him to want me in his life, but not because I act like I can’t live without him, but because I know that I can.  That I know I am not entitled to anyone’s time or feelings, but that I do love getting to be part of them. 

So where do I go from here? 

I learn that my love doesn’t lessen any by flirting and seeing others, it didn’t in the beginning of this relationship so why would it now? actually it seems to make it deeper because I get out of the mind set that he is “be all”  and I give the poor man a break from all the pressures of dating me when I am being needy and clingy.  That is a good thing. 

But I also learn and remember that giving both of us space is a good thing. He isn’t Paul, he doesn’t need to know my every thought or every little thing I am doing, but at the same time he is my Maestre, and I take that part very seriously,  so I do still want to clear things with him, I want him to have the power of some decisions in my life as my Dom. and there is the fine line I am learning to walk. 

I have a feeling a good sit down discussion is needed again so I can better understand that line of Dom/sub and Boyfriend/girlfriend because I want them to work for the both of us, both as partners and as separate people again. I love being with him and having him in my life. 

I don’t want to lose him as either of those things in my life and I don’t want to lose the person I am becoming so growth is necessary…. Yet again lol, but I love this life so it is worth all the growing pains 

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Little one 

I’ve been meaning to post for quite a while but work has gotten extremely stressful and I’ve just been paying attention a lot more to that when I would like to.

 I’ve also been thinking about this post for awhile,  most of all day it seems. There’s so much I want to say in this post and yet there’s so many feelings I don’t want to deal with right now.

What if I open up this can of worms and it hurts so bad that I don’t want to be alone tonight?  but I am so maybe I shouldn’t blog, but hey what the fuck  I’m higher than a kite so I might as well get all these feelings out right?

**Warning – bad language, child abuse issues – read with care**

Christmas was amazing. I spent it with my kids.  I laughed so much,  I saw my other grand baby too! 

 Christmas Eve I got to spend it with my daughter,  her husband,  my boyfriend and his wife,  and my grandbaby.  It was so much fun.

We ended the evening with the three of us (boyfriend,wife and I) , cuddled up on the couch and the grandbaby cuddled up on our laps playing games, laughing and watching a movie.  It felt amazing, felt like something I’ve been missing for a very long time.

I was a single parent, my children’s fathers were not around, I also never allowed any boyfriends to be around my children except for one. Rob and I used to sit on couches and cuddle while holding my daughter and my son and watching TV together. But after he decided to quit using pot,  he went nuts and try to kill me,  twice,  so he was out the door and I never trusted anyone to be around my children again with me. 

I don’t know if it was a combination of that and also of being hurt as a child, but I didn’t want anyone around my kids, trust is an bit of an issue for me, can you tell? 

Anyway another thing that happened yesterday is I found out the girl that used to be my step sister passed away on the 8th. She had a very very hard life. 

I told my little sister yesterday that I have no memories of when I was little but had some of the stepsister. Well this morning some of that changed. I woke up from the most intense dream of my gbaby being touched in very bad ways(not by me) and as I laid there to process it, memories came rushing back.  They came storming back. 

I was a little older than my gbaby, but not yet in 1st grade when my older cousin would lay with me on his lap under the covers on the couch. When he put his fingers on me, in me, when he would hurt me but say it was ok because I liked it and a bit of hurt was good and it was our fucking secret. 

I sat on one end of the couch one day when my aunt was in and out of the room and he had hid big toe inside of me. It was our fucking secret and she did not even fucking notice. 

I was a little fucking girl when he put that balloon on his finger and he said he was going to put it inside me and it was going to hurt, but remember its okay because pain is it’s how we care.  It wasn’t his fucking finger he put that balloon on and it wasn’t his fucking finger that he put inside of me, this morning all of those feelings came rushing back after that dream,  all of that pain, and how he said I was his favorite girl. 

I was a God damn mother fucking little girl, I was cute, I should have been allowed to stay fucking cute. I was a sweet innocent kid, not yet the slut I would grow into being. 

That fucking asshole took away all of that, but the worse was yet to come because, hey he told me he loved our little games, our little fucking secrets, ours, I was fucking special to him- that is until the day I tried to go into his trailer one day and the door was locked but I could hear him and my older sister talking. She came out later and I knew I wasn’t the special one after all. 

 This is what made me feel worthless and hatred to my older sister, a feeling that showed up later in life when my step-dad decided that in the 3rd grade that I had a pretty mouth and was a little slut so why not use it. When I heard her knock on the bathroom door to hear her ask him if he knew where I was while I was trying not to throw up crying and gagging. I never gagged again after that day, not even when he would come into my room and filled my mouth while she slept in the next bed. I had to be oh so very good and quiet. 

I was a little fucking girl, I was a quiet shy fucking cute little girl who loved every one and everything with so much joy you mother fucking worthless pieces of shit. I should have been able to stay a fucking little girl.  I should have grown up safe.

 I hate you both so much. I hate that I have minimized this so much because I thought that I really had it better than most girls I know, and while that is true, I also just used that as an excuse to hide how I felt/feel.

I fucking hate them but sometimes I really hate myself because I didn’t make it stop,  I didn’t tell anybody til it was too late,  I didn’t and worse yet there’s this part of me inside now that wishes I could go to my cousin,  I could grab him by the back of the head and I could kiss him.  I can run my hand down his pants I could shove his cock inside of me and show him how much I’m better now that I’m older, and I could beg him to let me be special and cute again like I used to be.  

Oh gosh I feel like a sick bitch just admitting I have had that thought in the past, usually it was followed by a sweet stinging slice, a deep burning burn to the skin till you could hear a quiet sizzle, or a nameless fuck in a sloppily sliding inside of me before getting up to walk our my door, leaving me laying there numb and reaching for a bottle.

It has been a very long time since I have allowed myself behave that way,  but it is really raw tonight since that dream, and my inner little girl is pissed off!  tonight I can say those words,   I can admit it, and I can just leave it on the floor where it belongs because it’s a bullshit thought,  it’s a bullshit feeling. 

And it’s bullshit that I have a hard time living my fucking life and enjoying my grandbaby being that cute innocent little girl I once was you mother fucking assholes that I hope rot in hell, I am tired of being your fucking victim and I am fucking tired of letting my fucking insecurities run fucking rampant. 

I was a sweet innocent girl once, that may have went away but I will be damned if I let you fuckers win by not believing I am special in my own way and my own life any longer. 

Depression and phone sex

You wouldn’t think those two words would go together, but lately they have.

I know that the way to earn more money as a phone temptress is to put myself out there, advertise, write stories, be on the phone line, but lately I have just been wanting to go home after work, rest, and veg.

Weight is coming back on, checks are getting smaller, and I feel like I am super boring for my bf. Hard not to compare myself to other ladies when I so crave his hugs and talking with him, to the pout where I feel like I am bugging him and I don’t want to do that. I want to be that fun loving girlfriend again and I will be 🙂 

I sat down today and did the five steps of what, why, when, where and how about why I am feeling this way and right now, most of it comes from my office job and how depressing it is there.  I am not sure how to fix it or even if I have to as other are working on it.

And since there is only do or do not do, there is no try- it is time for me to get off my ass again.

Downloaded an exercise app for my phone, got healthy food, and am working the phones every night this week!

Now time to start writing porn!!! And then have a good time with myself – busy season need to chill out soon!! Lol 

Getting in shape is not easy

Damn exercise. Damn it to hell. I loved it before getting sick and now that I am better, it is time to work out again. I just can’t seem to get my movation back even though I try every night.  I miss hearing that I am a good girl or doing a good job, but I know I am doing this for myself and the results do pay off, I just need to do this and push thro the cramps. 

I have so many feeling cropping up and have been working so hard not burdening my boyfriend with them, but missing him, not just sex either (as great as it is!). Just missing the laughter and cuddles. 

But I’ll see him and laugh with him again soon 🙂 and as much as he gets tired of hearing it, I so look forward to it! It is so fun spending time with him. 

Last week an old playmate texted me, wanting to be topped. I hate that he only messages me when that itch needs scratched but it was nice to catch up with him and it was fun to dust off my Domme even if it was just over text. Forgot how good it feels to have someone beg. But the same as before, he gets his craving and runs off, however – I have to say it feels pretty fucking awesome knowing that he knows who to call when that itch gets too strong. 

I enjoy being submissive, but damn sometimes it is so fun telling someone what to do and how to do it!!!  I am so going to have to do more Domme calls!!! 


Pretty fucked up

Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day. 

All week I have stepped outside of my balance,  my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do,  I really need some feedback if they were even ok.  if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if  they were disgusting or beautiful. 

 I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful  I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me,  on the inside,  goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need,  maybe that they weren’t really bad,  boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay. 

Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.

 I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.

 You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls,  you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear  that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex

Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.

I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious  if I know where the fences are,  I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free  in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me. 

Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.

 My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday. 

I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle.  I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!

Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me. 

So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point. 

Doll’s life 

My grandbaby has these dolls she takes baths with. Every time after the bath, they would be put away differently. 

I joked around with my darling Meta, that I should write a blog about their poly lifestyle with pics, even had some pretty good pictures 🙂 

However; last Monday night, I came home to something that has been throwing me for a loop and don’t really know what to think, lol. 

We had an awesome date night, I love getting to spend time with my boyfriend, it is just really nice. He talked- no we talked,  about how maybe I should start seeing other people again and not be so dependent on him (which is hard for me because I allowed my submissive walls to come down with him and let him deeply inside. I learned to trust and try again and my submissive side is nervous),  it was a great talk and I felt good about my feelings and our relationship. 

But when I got home I noticed the next day,  the dark hair girl was gone from the tub. It was just the two blondes left.  Apparently her hair was icky and she got removed from the pairing. 

I don’t usually let my anxiety talk to me for a long time because I know it is just crap talking, but today (and part of this weekend) it is just bugging me. What if I am that dark haired girl and,  since he is doing so great in his life, job, relationships he (they) no longer want me around?  Which is bullshit cuz I am awesome lol giggle 

See silly stuff, but as we hit the 8 month mark of us dating I just worry about being boring. He says that I am still loved,  so why am I letting this silly little thing trigger me and make me doubt myself? Maybe the stress of moving and of being so sick lately, putting the weight I had lost back on, and also the questions my inner deep mono side keeps wanting to ask- why do you really want me to see other people? Even tho, hello– poly here and part of being poly is seeing other people, not because you are not wanted or loved but because YOU ARE!!! 

I am not that dark haired doll, I am not easily replaced and I just have to have faith that if I just keep on being just me and enjoying my life every little thing will be alright. 

Damn, I could really use a hug right now. Lol