Pretty fucked up

Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day. 

All week I have stepped outside of my balance,  my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do,  I really need some feedback if they were even ok.  if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if  they were disgusting or beautiful. 

 I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful  I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me,  on the inside,  goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need,  maybe that they weren’t really bad,  boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay. 

Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.

 I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.

 You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls,  you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear  that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex

Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.

I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious  if I know where the fences are,  I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free  in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me. 

Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.

 My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday. 

I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle.  I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!

Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me. 

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So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point. 

Doll’s life 

My grandbaby has these dolls she takes baths with. Every time after the bath, they would be put away differently. 

I joked around with my darling Meta, that I should write a blog about their poly lifestyle with pics, even had some pretty good pictures 🙂 

However; last Monday night, I came home to something that has been throwing me for a loop and don’t really know what to think, lol. 

We had an awesome date night, I love getting to spend time with my boyfriend, it is just really nice. He talked- no we talked,  about how maybe I should start seeing other people again and not be so dependent on him (which is hard for me because I allowed my submissive walls to come down with him and let him deeply inside. I learned to trust and try again and my submissive side is nervous),  it was a great talk and I felt good about my feelings and our relationship. 

But when I got home I noticed the next day,  the dark hair girl was gone from the tub. It was just the two blondes left.  Apparently her hair was icky and she got removed from the pairing. 

I don’t usually let my anxiety talk to me for a long time because I know it is just crap talking, but today (and part of this weekend) it is just bugging me. What if I am that dark haired girl and,  since he is doing so great in his life, job, relationships he (they) no longer want me around?  Which is bullshit cuz I am awesome lol giggle 

See silly stuff, but as we hit the 8 month mark of us dating I just worry about being boring. He says that I am still loved,  so why am I letting this silly little thing trigger me and make me doubt myself? Maybe the stress of moving and of being so sick lately, putting the weight I had lost back on, and also the questions my inner deep mono side keeps wanting to ask- why do you really want me to see other people? Even tho, hello– poly here and part of being poly is seeing other people, not because you are not wanted or loved but because YOU ARE!!! 

I am not that dark haired doll, I am not easily replaced and I just have to have faith that if I just keep on being just me and enjoying my life every little thing will be alright. 

Damn, I could really use a hug right now. Lol 

Submissive with a twist

I always knew I loved to serve, I loved to make people comfortable and to be of service. I also grew up with that wonderful  (not) twist of having anxiety issues. 

As I started down my path of discovering who I was as a submissive, I ran into a few men who  consider themselves Doms.

Those are the men that could see the anxiety and liked to play with it. “You know you’re never going to be quite good enough, but I  will keep yiu”.” You’re just not quite there yet” would be something that one of them would always say, leaving me question not only myself but my servitude.  Was it really a gift if it wasn’t very good?

I was very lucky that I met Master Hawk when I did.

 He took me under his wing and told me that no matter what I was always going to be good enough I was always going to be just Lois and that was fine. I didn’t have to be anyone else.

In the past few years I’ve been extremely lucky- I may have had some pretty crappy personal relationships with men, but the two lifestyle relationships I have been a part of had taught me that I am a wonderful person when I am just being me and letting all sides of me come out to play.

These men are both  very important to me, but I don’t love them like I do my boyfriend/New Dom. I wasn’t planning on loving him, he was just going to be a coffee date and maybe a new friend. But he made me laugh so hard on that coffee date, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. It’s funny, I don’t kiss people right away and all I wanted to do was kiss him- I didn’t though, I was good girl. 

We kept trying to go out on different dates and I kept having to cancel: A) my car wasn’t working B) I was too damn nervous because my damn anxiety was starting to kick in and I didn’t want to have to face it, but there was just something about this man and that made me willing to face it. I haven’t felt this way in a very long

I learned how to deal with my anxiety issues, it wasn’t an easy trip. First there was doctors then there was doctor’s medicines, that medicine screwed me up so bad. There were cuts, there were burns, there were illegal medicines. 

And then there was a counselor, she told me to sit and put pen to paper and start writing just write, write, write-up  until my soul felt like it was done crying. This counselor was amazing, we did so much talking, she taught me to face my anxiety issues head-on not to let them get the better of me. I wish I would have known her when I was a young girl but she came into my life when it was time.

So that brings me to today. I am in love with a wonderful funny caring kind man who also has a very dry sense of humor. We have started down the road of submissive and Dom, and I enjoy it so very very much

. But Here Comes The Twist, of course, I worry and I have such anxiety about not being exciting and a good addition to his poly life. I worry about being vetoed.

I worry about crap when all I have to do is be me, the wonderful, caring, fun girl that caught his eye- in other words … be just me.

When we switch into BDSM roles It feels so natural. It feels so good. I just want to keep that going, I know though that sometimes I need to double ask (like 3 or 4 times) are you sure this is what you want?  when he’s already told me yes once and I’m becoming a pain.

D-   I can tell you that I love you and you’re very important to me. I know you get tired of hearing that, but it’s true. I can also tell you, my submissive side recognizes you as her Dom and that is fucking powerful.

I will do my best to face anxiety head on and not to be a pain in your ass, but I’ll also talk to you about it – because I don’t want to screw up such a good thing.