I’ve known since little girl I’ve always been intense.
This last year has shown me that sometimes it’s okay to stop being so intense, mostly these last few days.
I have been learning alot about myself, not all because I wanted to but because I want this relationship, these friendships, and my path that I am on right now to continue in the right ways.
I love in full, I have always believed in the fairy tales of how when you fall in love you feel complete and “the one” will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
I could never understand why relationships didn’t work for me, why each one that ended badly left me scared to try the new one on.
I could never understand why relationships that did work longer were with married men who wanted to own me but also wanted me to go see others.
Those relationships ended because I fell too hard and craved more attention, but didn’t know then what I am learning from my bf now- that the attention I crave can and should come from me 1st.
Why does learning have to hurt so much sometimes?
To hear him be honest with me about not missing me as much as I miss him brought back memories of Larry telling me that he needed to end our affair because I was in too deep and that I gave up my own fun life to be available for him whenever. I thought that is what one did as a girlfriend but also as a submissive. Yes, it hurt hearing that but yet – made me want to spend sometime figuring out why I felt like I missed him so much, I mean- I don’t want a full time live in lover, I want this, I want the freedom this relationship gives me.
Think when I say I miss him it isn’t me saying I want him around all the time not living his own life, or saying that I don’t feel connected to him, it is I miss the connection we have when we are alone together, laughing, going to the movies, kissing, and having amazing sex. I guess what I should say next time I want to say that is what I miss doing or want to do again. Instead of I miss you – I want to hold your hand at the movies again when we can please.
I do not want to have history keep repeating itself in order for me learn and improve. I started down that path again and this week really opened my eyes.
I want him to miss me when we can’t see each other, but not because I keep telling him I love and miss him; I want him to want me in his life, but not because I act like I can’t live without him, but because I know that I can. That I know I am not entitled to anyone’s time or feelings, but that I do love getting to be part of them.
So where do I go from here?
I learn that my love doesn’t lessen any by flirting and seeing others, it didn’t in the beginning of this relationship so why would it now? actually it seems to make it deeper because I get out of the mind set that he is “be all” and I give the poor man a break from all the pressures of dating me when I am being needy and clingy. That is a good thing.
But I also learn and remember that giving both of us space is a good thing. He isn’t Paul, he doesn’t need to know my every thought or every little thing I am doing, but at the same time he is my Maestre, and I take that part very seriously, so I do still want to clear things with him, I want him to have the power of some decisions in my life as my Dom. and there is the fine line I am learning to walk.
I have a feeling a good sit down discussion is needed again so I can better understand that line of Dom/sub and Boyfriend/girlfriend because I want them to work for the both of us, both as partners and as separate people again. I love being with him and having him in my life.
I don’t want to lose him as either of those things in my life and I don’t want to lose the person I am becoming so growth is necessary…. Yet again lol, but I love this life so it is worth all the growing pains