Day 23- this is from 3/29- submission, worry, strength, honor

Dealing with being sick, but wanted to come blog. I may get this finished yet.

Blogging, and sometimes submissiveness, can sometimes be easy to put down for a moment and then before you know it, you feel like something is off or missing from your days so you look around and realize that you put it down and forgot about it a touch too long. It can get hard to get back in the groove, but if it is worth it to you- you can pick it back up like you never left off.

My submissive side is pretty important to me, I don’t open it up to just anyone and I don’t take it out, dust it off and use it just for fun sex time.

I was welcomed into the BDSM life style before the swinging life style and sometimes it is really hard to walk that fine line between dating and serving, between wanting to be independent and wanting to be owned, between knowing that you don’t need permission to do something and wishing you still should ask for it.

I think the last part is the hardest part. I know I don’t need my Bf’s permission to have people over at my house, I know I don’t need to ask for his permission to go do something, but yet there is that part of me that loves to be his submissive and craves asking for the permission from my Maestre, that truly submissive side that wants to be allowed to feel controlled – even if just in a small token way.

So live day by day, enjoy each experience and expect nothing but be thankful for all, my life and my submissive little side grows more everyday that way while my independent strong woman side of me becomes the one I am meant to be.

Follow directions and take care of myself- that is how I feed my submissive side so that when my Maestre wants to play I can please him and when I do ask for his permission to do something he will understand why (what is behind me asking) I feel the need to do so.

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Day 15, half way to goal

And today what I like about me is my laugh.

My kids don’t like it because it is too loud, I laugh too much they say, but I love it.

I love how it conveys so much so much joy, so much passion, and yet- if you know me, you can also hear sadness in it when I am trying to hide it, when I don’t want just anyone to know that I am hurting about something or dealing with thoughts I don’t want to have to deal with right at that moment.

I love laughing, mostly during amazing sex and wonderful beatings when I hit the wall of pain and pleasure and break through it, when my partner forces me to breath, when he calls me the name he knows that will throw me over the edge, when my body finally let’s go and gives into the pain and pleasure when all I can do is ride the waves and laugh in joy, when my little comes out to play and I just laugh.

My friends tell me it sounds like sunshine and my callers tell me it is the wickest evil little laugh they have ever heard.

I have fought so hard to get my laugh and smile back this last week, and no matter what I am not going to loose it again.

Doll’s life 

My grandbaby has these dolls she takes baths with. Every time after the bath, they would be put away differently. 

I joked around with my darling Meta, that I should write a blog about their poly lifestyle with pics, even had some pretty good pictures 🙂 

However; last Monday night, I came home to something that has been throwing me for a loop and don’t really know what to think, lol. 

We had an awesome date night, I love getting to spend time with my boyfriend, it is just really nice. He talked- no we talked,  about how maybe I should start seeing other people again and not be so dependent on him (which is hard for me because I allowed my submissive walls to come down with him and let him deeply inside. I learned to trust and try again and my submissive side is nervous),  it was a great talk and I felt good about my feelings and our relationship. 

But when I got home I noticed the next day,  the dark hair girl was gone from the tub. It was just the two blondes left.  Apparently her hair was icky and she got removed from the pairing. 

I don’t usually let my anxiety talk to me for a long time because I know it is just crap talking, but today (and part of this weekend) it is just bugging me. What if I am that dark haired girl and,  since he is doing so great in his life, job, relationships he (they) no longer want me around?  Which is bullshit cuz I am awesome lol giggle 

See silly stuff, but as we hit the 8 month mark of us dating I just worry about being boring. He says that I am still loved,  so why am I letting this silly little thing trigger me and make me doubt myself? Maybe the stress of moving and of being so sick lately, putting the weight I had lost back on, and also the questions my inner deep mono side keeps wanting to ask- why do you really want me to see other people? Even tho, hello– poly here and part of being poly is seeing other people, not because you are not wanted or loved but because YOU ARE!!! 

I am not that dark haired doll, I am not easily replaced and I just have to have faith that if I just keep on being just me and enjoying my life every little thing will be alright. 

Damn, I could really use a hug right now. Lol 

Memories come rushing back

This week has been a week of freakouts, tears, crying, love, and support.

 It happened again tonight, memories I had buried so deep that they should have never been able to claw their way out found a crack and came screaming back in. 

Before this last year I would have taken those painfilled memories and used them to justify external pain as a way to put them back in their place. 

Memories of being a stubborn smart little girl that was so proud of herself. So sure the world was hers only to be broken with words and touches. To be used in ways a child should not be used. Left to hide those secrets deep inside of herself, to lose herself in order to forget those dirty little secrets. 

They come rushing back in to destroy your peace  as strong as the waves came rushing from the tsunami to destroy other’s homes. Knocking open all those doors you shut up tightly  over the years to help you forget. But you never really forget do you? No matter how many doors in your mind you shut and lock, that wave always finds a way in. 

All it takes is the sound of a child’s voice begging “no, don’t,  that hurts” to get that wave started.  It is all you can do to process and plan before your inner child screams out with her, and then you have to reminded yourself that you are ok, you will be ok, that you don’t have to have pain (self inflictted or other wise)  to be ok…. this time.

This time you are a grown woman who can ask for help to walk through those triggering feelings and come out of that walk a strong humble lady that can handle what the world throws at her once again, but you do have to take that walk. No more hiding behind closed doors or allowing pain to numb you.