Day 15, half way to goal

And today what I like about me is my laugh.

My kids don’t like it because it is too loud, I laugh too much they say, but I love it.

I love how it conveys so much so much joy, so much passion, and yet- if you know me, you can also hear sadness in it when I am trying to hide it, when I don’t want just anyone to know that I am hurting about something or dealing with thoughts I don’t want to have to deal with right at that moment.

I love laughing, mostly during amazing sex and wonderful beatings when I hit the wall of pain and pleasure and break through it, when my partner forces me to breath, when he calls me the name he knows that will throw me over the edge, when my body finally let’s go and gives into the pain and pleasure when all I can do is ride the waves and laugh in joy, when my little comes out to play and I just laugh.

My friends tell me it sounds like sunshine and my callers tell me it is the wickest evil little laugh they have ever heard.

I have fought so hard to get my laugh and smile back this last week, and no matter what I am not going to loose it again.



Nipples, they are so much fun. They provide food, comfort, and fun little toys to play with.

I never breastfed my kids but I have to say that later age lactation is pretty fun. I love to feel how full they get when I really work at it, it is like when my period used to come. The bummer part is the trade off of them being so sensitive that sometimes they hurt.

I really really love how it feels when my bf and beautiful women rest their heads on my chest as we are cuddling and suck on them. I love how it feels when his hands grab them hard as I am riding him. I love how it feels when she lowers her mouth down to them to slowly lick and nurse on them as I am cumming.

I love to have them played with! I used to be able to handle rougher play, but lately they are so damn sensitive that I have to say my safe word alot sooner than I want too.

I really want to get them pierced, but am also nervous about the pain. When I do get them done I will stop working on lactation, I’ll miss the fullness but also so looking forward to trying something I have always wanted to do.

So here is to my hard nipples that make me orgasm like a mad woman and smile like a demon when played with!!

I won

He and I made a bet. Winner gets to request a reward. I really wanted to win this week, I knew just what I was going to ask for to, but as the week went on, I thought more on my request.

The more I thought about it, the less comfortable I felt requesting it.

At the beginning of the week, it seemed like such a simple request, but as the week went on (and thanks to my wonderful over thinking skills) it became complicated.

What I was going to request isn’t what is important, I have a feeling he already knows and if not, I know he will ask.

The reason behind the request was/is totally self centered and that is not how I to live my life and actually, if I did have to request it-it wouldn’t be worth having because then he is only doing it because I won and requested it, not because he wants to.

If I have learned anything over this past year in this relationship, it is:

1) he is pretty damn intune with me and my quirks of slipping into being insecure and overthinking crap.

2) I don’t own his behaviors and our relationship is ours, no one else’s, just like theirs is theirs.

So why am I journaling this for all to see, because it is my damn journal and I can write what I want, but mostly because I need to get these feelings out and examine the reasons and motives behind them. If those are not coming from a rational place then maybe, just maybe the feelings are irrational emotions and best dealt with on my own.

Do now off to think of a proper request, one deserving of my time to request and just desire to fulfill.

I think I know what I want but…. That could change too.


Did you know that that gorgeous submissive with the sweet little side that is begging to give herself to you really is like a wild wild horse? 

Not that she needs to be broken and tamed, although this submissive does crave that, no you see- she needs to know where the fences are, where the valleys are, where they can run wild and still feel safe.

Just watch her when you touch her, see that spark that starts in her eyes
and before long you can feel it radiating through out her whole body.

When you bend down to bite her neck and tell her that no matter what she does or what she craves- she is yours. 

You take pleasure in watching what happens to her eyes. How they gloss over and slide shut when she is hitting that moment of pleasure where you can ask anything of her and she will do it with extreme passion.

Have you ever seen a horse that feels secure run? The way they know that they can go as far as they want and yet they can be safe. How free they feel when they know they can be held back from going too far and losing control while running wild and they know that there is a stronger force that is watching over them?

That is what your sweet submissive is showing you when you see her eyes roll shut and then she looks at you like you are the angel among high. She is starting her run and she knows that you will be there to guide her as she lets her wild nature take over.

She also trusts that you are going to be there to hold her as you walk her through her cool down/come down. She knows that you are going to be there to giggle with her little side when it comes out and takes over wanting to be a special treat.

Do you every wonder why a well trained horse can go from a wild running mare into the best trained ride you have ever had? Why that pretty submissive can go from a giggling silly girl to the hard fucking tramp that you love to fuck?

It is because they know where the rules are when they don’t need them and that  those rules won’t change when they do.

They know that their owner is proud of them and, while he may not always say it, he shows it and he expects them to do as he says without having to say it twice.

Show them that there are expectations and they will both do whatever they can to meet them, but treat them like just another horse in the field of many – that their need to understand why isn’t valid and they will start to wonder if they are valid, even if they know that they are. They just want to have that connection with you while in your strong arms to reconnect with their inner side as well.

That is  when the tame side of a horse and the child like side of the little you love begging you to wait, begging you to let them hold on to you just a little longer until that storm inside of them passes and then they look at you, smile at you, and you know they get it- they see the fences and they are home.