Was it?

She laid in her bath after he left and wondered.

Wondered if what just happened was that terrible word that begins with an R.

She thought they were friends, they talk about their lives and share laughs but when he asked her if he could come over she was hesitate about saying yes. The last time he came over he was very vocal about wanting sex and even tho she tried hint that she really wasn’t in the mood, she just wanted to be friends he just didn’t get the hints. She finally had to come right out and say that she wasn’t interested and he did get rather upset but finally understood her and dropped the conversation.

She told him that she really wasn’t in the mood for visitors, her life was rather confusing right now, she just wanted to go to bed and do some thinking. As she was crawling into a hot bath with a bowl of some sweet kush to smoke, she heard the knock on her door. Rolling her eyes, she got back dressed and answered the door. There he was, standing there and started to walk in the door. Once again she told him she really didn’t feel like visitor but he spoke over her, saying that he just wanted to talk because his wife was crazy and that he knew that her leg was hurting from the fall she had a few weeks ago so he wouldn’t stay very long, he just needed a friend to talk to for a little while.

As they sat on the couch talking, he kept touching her and rubbing her sore leg, He said he could tell that it was still bothering her, offered to rub it and promised that would be it. He promised that he understood she didn’t want to be sexual and he wouldn’t push it.

As she started to lay down on her bed, he asked why she wasn’t getting undressed. She explain to him that she was going to just rest a few moments while he rubbed her leg and they talked before seeing him to the door and resuming her hot bath.

By the time she was on her bed, he was down to just his pants. With a surprised look on her face she asked him what was going on- he said it was so he could rub her leg better.

As he was rubbing her leg, she started to relax and drift off lightly only to be awaken by him crawling between her legs and rubbing his naked body on her ass. She asked him what the hell was going on and he just kept kissing her back, she told him that she wasn’t in the mood for this and he started rubbing her pantie covered pussy. He pushed harder and harder against her clit and said there was no way she wasn’t in the mood because she was so wet already.

She felt him pull her panties to the side and start to slid his cock up against her pussy. He kept kissing her shoulder while telling her he was going to fuck her really good and he knew how much she wanted it. She just closed her eyes let him finish. He came on her ass and kept saying how good it was to make her feel good again. She just laid there in a daze and nodded.

She walked him to the door after he got up and dressed. She told him that he was to never call her and was to never knock on her door again or she was going to call his wife and tell her all about what happened.

So she laid in her tub and swore that she would never speak about what happened because she really didn’t know what truly just happened- but she was sure that it was never going to happen again.

Fast forward a couple years, she is laying in her new tub in her new house relaxing after a stressful day of work when her phone buzzed showing she had a message on her facebook.

Smiling she was excited to see what her BF was up to, but that smile faded fast when she saw it wasn’t their handsome man.

It was him.

He was back in town for a little while, heard she had moved and was hoping to get to see her again. She deleted the message, she blocked him, and then laid her head back and let the tears fall.

Once again she thought- was it? was it rape? hadn’t she said no clear enough? Did she say no? Was that no cancelled when she got wet?

She let him in the door then and now here she was in her tub crying and wondering, just wondering…

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T-13 days. This day in pictures.

When I started this journey I wanted to have pics of everyday to see the changes-if there were any. Getting sick threw a hickup in that but now it is time to get my ass moving. I want to be 350 lbs by April 16, 2018 I want to see the changes in my body and feel healthy again.

So here is today in pics.!!!!

I won

He and I made a bet. Winner gets to request a reward. I really wanted to win this week, I knew just what I was going to ask for to, but as the week went on, I thought more on my request.

The more I thought about it, the less comfortable I felt requesting it.

At the beginning of the week, it seemed like such a simple request, but as the week went on (and thanks to my wonderful over thinking skills) it became complicated.

What I was going to request isn’t what is important, I have a feeling he already knows and if not, I know he will ask.

The reason behind the request was/is totally self centered and that is not how I to live my life and actually, if I did have to request it-it wouldn’t be worth having because then he is only doing it because I won and requested it, not because he wants to.

If I have learned anything over this past year in this relationship, it is:

1) he is pretty damn intune with me and my quirks of slipping into being insecure and overthinking crap.

2) I don’t own his behaviors and our relationship is ours, no one else’s, just like theirs is theirs.

So why am I journaling this for all to see, because it is my damn journal and I can write what I want, but mostly because I need to get these feelings out and examine the reasons and motives behind them. If those are not coming from a rational place then maybe, just maybe the feelings are irrational emotions and best dealt with on my own.

Do now off to think of a proper request, one deserving of my time to request and just desire to fulfill.

I think I know what I want but…. That could change too.

Why

Do you really like me? Why do you need to know? do you feel like I like you? Do I smile when I see you? do I spend time to talk with you?

Do you love me? Why do you need to know? Don’t I tell you I love you when I feel like telling you it? Don’t I make time to spend with just you and then also with our friends?

Am I doing a good enough job at work? Why do you need to know? Do you feel like you are? Do you get your job done at the end of the day you feel complete? Do you still have a job to go to tomorrow?

Does my family and friends want me around? Why do you need to know? Don’t they make a point of always coming when you call them? Don’t they make a point of inviting you to go places with them? Don’t they text you everyday just to say hi sometimes?

Why do you have so many questions? Why can’t you just trust? Why why why???

Is it because you use to trust until it came into your life, whatever it may be man woman, brother, sister, father mother, it – – you know the one thing that brought your anxiety in to play with your sweet little mind and make you have so many questions.

Whatever it is, it’s not here anymore it’s gone so why is your anxiety still here little one?

Why do you feel like you need to know everything when sometimes you don’t you just need to let life happen. You don’t need to know all the answers before the questions are even asked.

It is in the past, it is not happening now, it is not going to happen today-however you darling are happening and you decide what path you’re going to be going down.

Are you going to be the scared little timid rabbit that needs to know where the next carrot is coming from? That needs to know that around that corner there’s not some big scary monster that’s going to come out and lop your head off?

Or are you going to be that beautiful beautiful snake that goes to the Garden with an attitude of what up mother fucker? yeah, there could be a a farmer around the corner waiting to cut your head off, but so what?

This is where you get to choose how you live your life. you don’t live your life based on the past because, how well is that working out for you a little one?

My challenge is that for the rest of this weekend and all of the most all of next week I don’t need to know. I don’t need to ask. I just need to live my life and enjoy this day that I’m given.

So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point. 

Doll’s life 

My grandbaby has these dolls she takes baths with. Every time after the bath, they would be put away differently. 

I joked around with my darling Meta, that I should write a blog about their poly lifestyle with pics, even had some pretty good pictures 🙂 

However; last Monday night, I came home to something that has been throwing me for a loop and don’t really know what to think, lol. 

We had an awesome date night, I love getting to spend time with my boyfriend, it is just really nice. He talked- no we talked,  about how maybe I should start seeing other people again and not be so dependent on him (which is hard for me because I allowed my submissive walls to come down with him and let him deeply inside. I learned to trust and try again and my submissive side is nervous),  it was a great talk and I felt good about my feelings and our relationship. 

But when I got home I noticed the next day,  the dark hair girl was gone from the tub. It was just the two blondes left.  Apparently her hair was icky and she got removed from the pairing. 

I don’t usually let my anxiety talk to me for a long time because I know it is just crap talking, but today (and part of this weekend) it is just bugging me. What if I am that dark haired girl and,  since he is doing so great in his life, job, relationships he (they) no longer want me around?  Which is bullshit cuz I am awesome lol giggle 

See silly stuff, but as we hit the 8 month mark of us dating I just worry about being boring. He says that I am still loved,  so why am I letting this silly little thing trigger me and make me doubt myself? Maybe the stress of moving and of being so sick lately, putting the weight I had lost back on, and also the questions my inner deep mono side keeps wanting to ask- why do you really want me to see other people? Even tho, hello– poly here and part of being poly is seeing other people, not because you are not wanted or loved but because YOU ARE!!! 

I am not that dark haired doll, I am not easily replaced and I just have to have faith that if I just keep on being just me and enjoying my life every little thing will be alright. 

Damn, I could really use a hug right now. Lol