Day 23- this is from 3/29- submission, worry, strength, honor

Dealing with being sick, but wanted to come blog. I may get this finished yet.

Blogging, and sometimes submissiveness, can sometimes be easy to put down for a moment and then before you know it, you feel like something is off or missing from your days so you look around and realize that you put it down and forgot about it a touch too long. It can get hard to get back in the groove, but if it is worth it to you- you can pick it back up like you never left off.

My submissive side is pretty important to me, I don’t open it up to just anyone and I don’t take it out, dust it off and use it just for fun sex time.

I was welcomed into the BDSM life style before the swinging life style and sometimes it is really hard to walk that fine line between dating and serving, between wanting to be independent and wanting to be owned, between knowing that you don’t need permission to do something and wishing you still should ask for it.

I think the last part is the hardest part. I know I don’t need my Bf’s permission to have people over at my house, I know I don’t need to ask for his permission to go do something, but yet there is that part of me that loves to be his submissive and craves asking for the permission from my Maestre, that truly submissive side that wants to be allowed to feel controlled – even if just in a small token way.

So live day by day, enjoy each experience and expect nothing but be thankful for all, my life and my submissive little side grows more everyday that way while my independent strong woman side of me becomes the one I am meant to be.

Follow directions and take care of myself- that is how I feed my submissive side so that when my Maestre wants to play I can please him and when I do ask for his permission to do something he will understand why (what is behind me asking) I feel the need to do so.

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Six

For some reason, after having a lovely day today I’m just kind of in a bummer mood.

Maybe just overload from such a wonderful weekend away, maybe really looking forward to seeing and spending date night with bf, I know I crave his hugs and kisses right now.

I was trying to think about what to write about today and as it was looking at pics from this weekend it hit me, my smile, it is coming back. Or maybe it never left, I just needed to get out of my head, get out of the problem and back to living in the solution. Living the way I want to again.

I have missed my smile and was reminded this weekend that there are so many others that have also.

Walking on the beach I did a lot of thinking, and main thing thing that ran through my head was that – – I’m not going to be the perfect poly girlfriend that I’ve been trying to be these last couple weeks (and not always succeeding) I’m just going to be me, and that means I might be whining a little bit and I might be greedy a little bit and I might be smiling a whole lot but I’m going to be me and that is the me I love.

I’m going to ask you about your girlfriends because doing that makes me feel like we’re more than just lovers we’re also friends. I’m going to ask you how your day goes because I want people to ask me how my mine went.

I’m going to reach out to the wonderful friends that love me because I have really great ones that nurture my soul. Gods, I so needed this weekend.

I can feel my depression creeping in as we get closer to Monday (work) but damn it- I freaking love my smile and I am not just gonna give it away mostly not because of work or self doubts.

I won

He and I made a bet. Winner gets to request a reward. I really wanted to win this week, I knew just what I was going to ask for to, but as the week went on, I thought more on my request.

The more I thought about it, the less comfortable I felt requesting it.

At the beginning of the week, it seemed like such a simple request, but as the week went on (and thanks to my wonderful over thinking skills) it became complicated.

What I was going to request isn’t what is important, I have a feeling he already knows and if not, I know he will ask.

The reason behind the request was/is totally self centered and that is not how I to live my life and actually, if I did have to request it-it wouldn’t be worth having because then he is only doing it because I won and requested it, not because he wants to.

If I have learned anything over this past year in this relationship, it is:

1) he is pretty damn intune with me and my quirks of slipping into being insecure and overthinking crap.

2) I don’t own his behaviors and our relationship is ours, no one else’s, just like theirs is theirs.

So why am I journaling this for all to see, because it is my damn journal and I can write what I want, but mostly because I need to get these feelings out and examine the reasons and motives behind them. If those are not coming from a rational place then maybe, just maybe the feelings are irrational emotions and best dealt with on my own.

Do now off to think of a proper request, one deserving of my time to request and just desire to fulfill.

I think I know what I want but…. That could change too.

Make love to me.

 

Meet me by the door when you come home after a long day at work.

Reach out and stroke my face with your fingertips before sliding your hand
around to the back of my neck to wrap in my hair as your other hand
reaches out to wrap around my throat.

Squeeze it tightly, you know how that puts me right into a wild
submissive state and you can already smell my body surrendering to your
desires.

Slide your mouth gently over my collarbone, graze it with your teeth.
Bring your lips up to my ear, whisper softly “tonight, you are all mine
bitch.”

Walk me into the bedroom, stand me there as you slowly take off my
clothes. Kissing each part of my skin as it is revealed to you. Take my
shoulders and push me down onto the bed so that your cock is even with my
mouth.

Lift my chin up with your fingers and smile at me as you slowly guide you
that gorgeous cock into my lips. Stand there and enjoy your own personal
slut as I worship your cock with my red lips and hot wet mouth.

Just as I am about to cum from from pleasing you, reach back to pull my
head back by my hair and tell me to lay back on that soft bed.

Run your fingertips down my body slowly, stopping every once in a while to
kiss where you touched.

Part my legs gently and run your tongue along my lips until I am begging
to please please taste me, at that moment dive in and eat this pussy like
it is your last meal on earth.

Own this clit with your teeth as your fingers start to enter me, look up
and see my eyes roll in the back of my head as my legs start to shake, my
ass tightens and I coat your face with my cum.

Smile down at me as you slide up my body and then side your cock deep
inside of my still clenching cunt. Moan as I start to lick my juices off
of your lips and then say no.

One hand holding my wrists down, one hand wrapped tightly around my
throat, you look down at me as you are deeply thrusting inside of me.
Stare at me as you growl out “Mine” and feel me cum once again even harder
all over your cock, balls, and thighs.

Hold me down tight as your words throw me over the edge, repeating then as
I scream out and ride the most intense orgasm of the night. Growl “Mine”
again right before you lean down to leave your bitemark deep on my chest
and cum deep in of me.

Hold me close as my eyes slide shut and whisper in my ear that you love me
as I drift off to sleep. Promise me next time you will mark every inch of
my body as yours with your belt and kiss me before tucking me in tightly
and leaving the bedroom.

I so adore you and every touch you leave on my skin.

Naughty thoughts 

I have been having such naughty naughty thoughts about you and I. 

About us in a dark theater, you holding me close to you and my hand on
your hard cock as we watch the show.

I love feeling that wet spot grow on the front of your jeans, I reach
up and whisper in your ear that I can't wait to go home and have you give
me have my creamy treat for being such a good girl tonight.

I love it when you take my hand in yours and rub that wet spot even harder
and then your eyes slide shut as I run my finger down your hard denim covered
cock.

So want you to take me to park afterwards and tell me it is time
for my yummy treat but that you want to kiss my pretty little clit before
I get to have it.

Love how you lift me up to sit on the toy and slide my panties to the side
so that you can touch me, so you can see me, so you
can taste me right here with skirt around my waist, my hands in your hair
and your lips on my pink ones.

I love how you lick up all the cum that comes out of me and then
kiss my mouth as you slide me down your body letting my sweet clit
hit your hard head and how good it feels when you move my hips just right so that
your head forces its way inside of me.

I love the way you hold my body tight and tell me to ride you like I do
the horse on the carousel. The way you rub my asshole
with your finger as I move my hips back and forth as I am riding you makes me shiver in delight and moan. 

I finally get my creamy treat so deep and hard inside of me, your mouth
sucking on nipple as you slide your finger in my ass and groan my name.

God, I want you inside all night long darling.

Cravings

I am right here craving you

. Oh god how I would love to be in that bed while you watched TV until you told me to come out and greet you properly when I awake. 

 Crawling up to rest my head on your thighs while you run your fingers through my hair until you pull it tight in your grasp and guide my head to your hard cock so that I may worship it until you come deep down my throat and coat my face with the last few shots of your sweet cum. 

I crave looking up at you with these sparkling brown eyes and smile at you Maestre. 

I want to kneel there until you tell me to get my ass into the bathroom, now. Standing, you reach out and grab me by the throat – ‘Mine” you growl as you walk me into the shower and put me down  to my knees once again. 

This time it wasn’t your cum hitting me but your piss. Hot, fresh, branding piss marking my body as your toy.   Marking me as Yours.