Day 31, I think,. Lol slut shamed!!!

So some of you know that I do phone sex as a second job, well last night I was actually slut shamed by a phone sex caller!!

I have a caller that is really kinky, we have a lot of fun together. So last night when you called he was like oh your throat sound so sore, sounds like you have been getting fucked by a lot of men and I just laughed and said God I fucking wish!

During our conversation it went a little bit on the kinkier side with quite a bit of a taboo but God it was so fun. Before I knew it I was coming, he was coming, and we are just both having a really great time talking about something that is extremely something most people won’t talk about.

After he came we were just kind of being quiet on the phone and breathing and talking and he actually said “oh my God, you are such a fucking slut, how can you live with yourself talking about those kinds of things.”?

I was taking aback, I didn’t know what to say, the client is always right mostly on a sex call because we want them to call back and spend their money on us.

And he was the one that brought up the taboo stuff, I just went with it and ok got off on it too a bit.

I just laughed at him and said “well baby, you’re the one that called me. you’re the one that wants the slut that understands exactly what you need in the middle of the night.”

He just laughed out loud and told me it was true, but in the end of the day- I’m still just a pay as you go whore.

Wait, what??? Well then you need to be paying this whore well and get stepping!!!!

Advertisements

Day 23- this is from 3/29- submission, worry, strength, honor

Dealing with being sick, but wanted to come blog. I may get this finished yet.

Blogging, and sometimes submissiveness, can sometimes be easy to put down for a moment and then before you know it, you feel like something is off or missing from your days so you look around and realize that you put it down and forgot about it a touch too long. It can get hard to get back in the groove, but if it is worth it to you- you can pick it back up like you never left off.

My submissive side is pretty important to me, I don’t open it up to just anyone and I don’t take it out, dust it off and use it just for fun sex time.

I was welcomed into the BDSM life style before the swinging life style and sometimes it is really hard to walk that fine line between dating and serving, between wanting to be independent and wanting to be owned, between knowing that you don’t need permission to do something and wishing you still should ask for it.

I think the last part is the hardest part. I know I don’t need my Bf’s permission to have people over at my house, I know I don’t need to ask for his permission to go do something, but yet there is that part of me that loves to be his submissive and craves asking for the permission from my Maestre, that truly submissive side that wants to be allowed to feel controlled – even if just in a small token way.

So live day by day, enjoy each experience and expect nothing but be thankful for all, my life and my submissive little side grows more everyday that way while my independent strong woman side of me becomes the one I am meant to be.

Follow directions and take care of myself- that is how I feed my submissive side so that when my Maestre wants to play I can please him and when I do ask for his permission to do something he will understand why (what is behind me asking) I feel the need to do so.

Depression and phone sex

You wouldn’t think those two words would go together, but lately they have.

I know that the way to earn more money as a phone temptress is to put myself out there, advertise, write stories, be on the phone line, but lately I have just been wanting to go home after work, rest, and veg.

Weight is coming back on, checks are getting smaller, and I feel like I am super boring for my bf. Hard not to compare myself to other ladies when I so crave his hugs and talking with him, to the pout where I feel like I am bugging him and I don’t want to do that. I want to be that fun loving girlfriend again and I will be 🙂 

I sat down today and did the five steps of what, why, when, where and how about why I am feeling this way and right now, most of it comes from my office job and how depressing it is there.  I am not sure how to fix it or even if I have to as other are working on it.

And since there is only do or do not do, there is no try- it is time for me to get off my ass again.

Downloaded an exercise app for my phone, got healthy food, and am working the phones every night this week!

Now time to start writing porn!!! And then have a good time with myself – busy season need to chill out soon!! Lol 

Chris Cornell and suicide 

I’ve been thinking about Chris’s death lately and,  while we will never know for sure all of the reasons why,  I have to say I really agree with his family about the meds he was on maybe having some influence on his decision to end it all. 

Having depression is really hard at times, it’s hard to explain to somebody how one day you can feel wonderful the next day you don’t feel like you’re worth anything in the world, even though you know you are. 

It’s hard to hear people say “pull up your bootstraps”  “just do it”  “you got this”  when all you can think is that you’re  just a burden.

 To those people who used to part of my life and who used to say those things (and when I would try to tell them that has nothing to do with putting on those pants or those boots– they would just say while I’m doing tough love on you)  what have to say to you is  f*** you and I say that very politely. 

I remember when I used to go to counseling and they put me on Paxil, I had the most wid dreams. Dreams like being on PCP. God help you if you forget one day of your pill because it’s amazing if you don’t drive off a cliff wondering what the hell you’re doing and why are you still here. 

After playing with doses and amounts, they changed me to a different antidepressant, oh this one was a killer. If I wasn’t angry,  I was crying. If I wasn’t crying,  I was laying in bed wondering why I wasn’t crying. 

There was no way I’d have sex while on it, hell I didn’t even know I was a woman any longer. I had no cravings what so ever ( no, Dev, I can’t get back on that, you will just have to suffer with me wanting your body all of the time) and that killed me. 

I realized that – if you took it for 3 days and then skipped it for 2 and took it for 3 more, it was just like you were on coke!  My son called me out on that one, that I was relapsing by abusing my medicine that way. 

 I stop taking it cold turkey and within a week I felt like me again I felt normal, I was laughing but yet the doctor still needed to make sure that I was okay because I was not dealing with my depression the way I should have been dealing with it

In walked lithium. Oh the doctors liked that one. So did my desire to be numb. It was like committing suicide without having to commit suicide.  I just had to sit and float because that’s all I did on it. I lost the best job I ever had in my entire life up until the one I have now due to being so brain dead. 

 I was doing so many risky things with my life (I am so lucky that I was never raped or killed by a nameless man) and really fucked my life up for a while that I begged to just stop. 

I got off of all meds but weed, there still days sometimes I cry a lot and there’s some days I laugh a lot but I’m alive today and that’s what counts

 Yea,  I still have anxiety.  Yeah,  I still get depressed sometimes and if I could find a doctor that knew how to give me the correct medicine that could take care of me I would probably go back on to help with the anxiety, but talking, journaling, working through issues are helping so much more than the wrong meds. 

I just feel so bad for his kids because I know what it is like to grow up with a father that killed himself. 

That is one of the many many reasons I am glad I was so good at failing back during those days of trail and error and did not succeed,  because I never want my kids to have to grow up with that doubt that they were never good enough to stay around for.