Still not easy, but who said life was ever gonna be easy?
Still not easy, but who said life was ever gonna be easy?
No pictures today, I just couldn’t do it. It’s been a really hard day today and I couldn’t stand to take a picture of myself. I’m not going to critique how I look today because I know that it’s just an image, but it was a really really hard day.
I hear about how these other beautiful skinny women feel so bad about themselves and all I want to say is but what do they have to feel bad about, they’re skinny and they’re beautiful.
So yeah today I’m jealous, infatuation hurts sometimes and I’m upset with myself that I’m feeling less than.
I just did not want to see my body today.
He and I made a bet. Winner gets to request a reward. I really wanted to win this week, I knew just what I was going to ask for to, but as the week went on, I thought more on my request.
The more I thought about it, the less comfortable I felt requesting it.
At the beginning of the week, it seemed like such a simple request, but as the week went on (and thanks to my wonderful over thinking skills) it became complicated.
What I was going to request isn’t what is important, I have a feeling he already knows and if not, I know he will ask.
The reason behind the request was/is totally self centered and that is not how I to live my life and actually, if I did have to request it-it wouldn’t be worth having because then he is only doing it because I won and requested it, not because he wants to.
If I have learned anything over this past year in this relationship, it is:
1) he is pretty damn intune with me and my quirks of slipping into being insecure and overthinking crap.
2) I don’t own his behaviors and our relationship is ours, no one else’s, just like theirs is theirs.
So why am I journaling this for all to see, because it is my damn journal and I can write what I want, but mostly because I need to get these feelings out and examine the reasons and motives behind them. If those are not coming from a rational place then maybe, just maybe the feelings are irrational emotions and best dealt with on my own.
Do now off to think of a proper request, one deserving of my time to request and just desire to fulfill.
I think I know what I want but…. That could change too.
Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day.
All week I have stepped outside of my balance, my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do, I really need some feedback if they were even ok. if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if they were disgusting or beautiful.
I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me, on the inside, goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need, maybe that they weren’t really bad, boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay.
Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.
I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.
You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls, you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex
Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.
I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious if I know where the fences are, I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me.
Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.
My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday.
I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle. I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!
Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me.
I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man.
Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date.
Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him, is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass.
Well I told him “I’ve never done this before” I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.
Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then. It was hook ups at a party, an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get, you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.
That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady, reminded me that I’m worth so much more. I’m worth going out on dates.
So if I am also poly, just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.
The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating.
Hell, I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it.
The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house, I really don’t have time… and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now.
I’m sure that’ll change over time, things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt for someone to date.
I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway, most of them already all been broken down with handsome,
I am scared to date again.
I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.
I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships, but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by.
That’s another reason why I love date night so much, it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living. I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that.
I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life. that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out
I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked!
I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy, I know he’ll tell me that to back off, he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point.
Did you know that that gorgeous submissive with the sweet little side that is begging to give herself to you really is like a wild wild horse?
Not that she needs to be broken and tamed, although this submissive does crave that, no you see- she needs to know where the fences are, where the valleys are, where they can run wild and still feel safe.
Just watch her when you touch her, see that spark that starts in her eyes
and before long you can feel it radiating through out her whole body.
When you bend down to bite her neck and tell her that no matter what she does or what she craves- she is yours.
You take pleasure in watching what happens to her eyes. How they gloss over and slide shut when she is hitting that moment of pleasure where you can ask anything of her and she will do it with extreme passion.
Have you ever seen a horse that feels secure run? The way they know that they can go as far as they want and yet they can be safe. How free they feel when they know they can be held back from going too far and losing control while running wild and they know that there is a stronger force that is watching over them?
That is what your sweet submissive is showing you when you see her eyes roll shut and then she looks at you like you are the angel among high. She is starting her run and she knows that you will be there to guide her as she lets her wild nature take over.
She also trusts that you are going to be there to hold her as you walk her through her cool down/come down. She knows that you are going to be there to giggle with her little side when it comes out and takes over wanting to be a special treat.
Do you every wonder why a well trained horse can go from a wild running mare into the best trained ride you have ever had? Why that pretty submissive can go from a giggling silly girl to the hard fucking tramp that you love to fuck?
It is because they know where the rules are when they don’t need them and that those rules won’t change when they do.
They know that their owner is proud of them and, while he may not always say it, he shows it and he expects them to do as he says without having to say it twice.
Show them that there are expectations and they will both do whatever they can to meet them, but treat them like just another horse in the field of many – that their need to understand why isn’t valid and they will start to wonder if they are valid, even if they know that they are. They just want to have that connection with you while in your strong arms to reconnect with their inner side as well.
That is when the tame side of a horse and the child like side of the little you love begging you to wait, begging you to let them hold on to you just a little longer until that storm inside of them passes and then they look at you, smile at you, and you know they get it- they see the fences and they are home.