So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point. 

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I wanna… 

I want to journal but yet I want to go to sleep,  I think I’m just way too high to start journaling right now.

Due my damn camera not working well and my gimp ass hand I have tonight,  the two videos that I made for my Maestre did not go through. 

one didn’t send all the way and the other I couldn’t hold the camera long enough to masturbate with the other hand. I will try again in the am… Still, not happy about it tho. 

Haven’t blogged in a while – but my mind is rushing to places that it doesn’t need to go anyway and have just been shutting that down the best I can.

 This pain I have been in for the past two weeks or so has been a real eye opener and humbling,  yet pisses me off because I have so much to do for the move and still need to work my phone job soon for $$$. 

My mind is running and body crashing before the pain cames back so nite nite