So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point. 

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Words for the last two weeks

Angry– for no rhythm or reason, just am. Don’t wanna adult today. I just want to stay in bed. 

 Tired – woke up in the middle of a dream where I was being made love to by handsome boyfriend due to toddler having a nightmare. 3 am is way too early. 

sad – my friend’s grandmother passed away today, she was in her 80’s and got cancer. I feel sad for the pain my friend is feeling and sad because I never had a grandma’s love.  My grandbaby will never ever question my love for her. 

 happy– big happy moments, going for long walks and making it! Being loved and giving love today. So many things 

secure – sure,  we joke around about him leaving me in 6 more months, but I know that just means I have 6 more months to bug the hell out of him and love him!   I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I have a good chance of survival.  

When he wraps his hands around my throat, I know I can trust him to keep me safe. When his teeth are sinking into my skin, I know I am his.  He is ours but I am his submissive slut. 

Loved – I know I’m loved by my family and I know I’m loved by my friends. Deep in my heart that I’m loved by my partner.  it’s the little things that he does that shows me he loves me. He doesn’t always have to say it,  although that feels good too. 

He works so hard to keep things equal and I’m very very happy about that, and the way he says “never the same but always equal”  just really says something to my heart about what Poly should be. 

Sometimes I worry though that I’m too much of a handful with my insecurity issues and little side or that I’m boring, so I just have to remember to be myself

Lonely–  I felt this way a couple times,  I guess it’s normal to just feel like you want to be cuddled up in bed and held.

 Funny, I look at the way my life has changed in the last 6 months and sometimes I wonder if I’m really meant to be what I am right now and I think so. 

 All I know is that I need to start expressing myself more and not be so damn needy sometimes.

Censored – okay,  this is a big one and kind of touchy. When I first started writing this blog I was nervous about what to say and about putting my partner in here because he has his own blog (which is pretty awesome)  and he has a life. 

I was told that he would never censor anything I wanted to say.  I could say whatever I wanted to say here and it was safe. I don’t know if I feel that way, but that is just my feeling right now and I will deal with it cuz that is what I do best 🙂 

Wanted/ Excited /Strong  all those very good feels he and my life gives me every day!!!! 

Hugs and cuddles please. 

Stupid things

Sometimes I do some really dumb things – not meaning to be dumb of course, usually out of a place of “Hey, let’s be friends” simple world views and I end up screwing up. 

I need to learn just to keep to myself and maybe not be so… yeah stupid is a good word for today’s behavior. 

I am losing weight, doing really good on my steps and exercises, self confidence is so coming back big time and have been marked as owned!! Thank you Maestre!!!! 

But I still need to work on speaking up and stopping the self beating up train when it starts. Sometimes,  I just don’t see what my boyfriend sees in me and I worry that he is going to get tired of me. I don’t know if I am as exciting as I was but I know I want to be and that is a good thing 🙂 

I can just be me, and that is pretty damn awesome. 

Memories come rushing back

This week has been a week of freakouts, tears, crying, love, and support.

 It happened again tonight, memories I had buried so deep that they should have never been able to claw their way out found a crack and came screaming back in. 

Before this last year I would have taken those painfilled memories and used them to justify external pain as a way to put them back in their place. 

Memories of being a stubborn smart little girl that was so proud of herself. So sure the world was hers only to be broken with words and touches. To be used in ways a child should not be used. Left to hide those secrets deep inside of herself, to lose herself in order to forget those dirty little secrets. 

They come rushing back in to destroy your peace  as strong as the waves came rushing from the tsunami to destroy other’s homes. Knocking open all those doors you shut up tightly  over the years to help you forget. But you never really forget do you? No matter how many doors in your mind you shut and lock, that wave always finds a way in. 

All it takes is the sound of a child’s voice begging “no, don’t,  that hurts” to get that wave started.  It is all you can do to process and plan before your inner child screams out with her, and then you have to reminded yourself that you are ok, you will be ok, that you don’t have to have pain (self inflictted or other wise)  to be ok…. this time.

This time you are a grown woman who can ask for help to walk through those triggering feelings and come out of that walk a strong humble lady that can handle what the world throws at her once again, but you do have to take that walk. No more hiding behind closed doors or allowing pain to numb you. 



Shadows

I wrote this a while ago to put on my phone sex blog because it is hot- but wanted to put it here as this is the day I found out 2 years ago that the man I had loved passed away a year before, I wrote it because I couldn’t get the thought of having one last time with him off of my mind. I just didn’t want to write it as from me tho, so this turned out the best way to get my feelings out.

I am so blessed now to get to have a wonderful man in my life that I love and that I know loves me. Still new at the Poly thing- but I am so happy he is teaching me and allowing me the feelings that I do get sometimes and we can talk about. that is so new also.

Hope you enjoy-

She walks in shadows, keeping her steps steady and quiet. You would not
even know she was there if she did not make herself known to you, but she
sees all and dreams of even more. She watches as you lay down in
bed, wishing she could be there with you, making love with you one last
time.

She sets in the tree in the back yard, you know which one, the one that
you took her hard against that last night. Remembering the way your hands
felt on her body, your lips on her mouth, your cock deep inside of her as
you told her you would always love her.

She plays in the stream in the back yard, letting the cold water wash over
her body as she smiles up to the night sky; remembering the night you took
her by the hand there and asked her to be yours, laughing about how
nervous you were. That laugh you hear now, that you think it is just a dream
or a memory but it is her, there with you tonight.

As you lay in bed, you can’t help but feel her around you, to smell her
perfume as you lay your head down on her pillow. It is too warm in the
room to wear the blankets so you just lay there naked, wishing for one
last time.

Just as your eyes start to drift shut, you could swear you felt the bed
move, it was just a little and you convince yourself that it
was just a starting of a wonderful dream.

And it is, you see- tonight she gets her wish, one last time. She sits
down on the bed beside you and watches as you drift off to sleep. Slowly
she lifts her white lace night gown over her head and slides her body next
to yours, you stir just enough to reach out for her, and she slides in
your arms. She feels you take a deep breath knowing that you are smelling
her perfume.

She runs her hand down your chest and smiles as she watches the goose
bumps rise on your skin and hears your moan start deep down in your chest.
She feels you reach up and touch her hair like you always loved to do, it
would have taken her breath away- if she had any.

She can’t help but let a tear run down her check as she watches your lips
turn up into a smile and then leans down to kiss those wonderful lips while sliding her body even closer to yours and her hand down to
your hardening cock. “Always so hard for me” she giggles and her giggle
makes you smile, you can hear it in this wonderful dream you are having
and it makes you hard.

You moan as you feel her body next to yours, feels so life-like in this
dream and arch up in delight as her mouth circles your cock-head just the
way she knows you love her to do. You try to steady yourself or else you
will be cumming way too soon and – even tho this is a just a dream (or so
you think) you really don’t want it to be over this quickly.

She loves the way you arch up, gives her extra time to play with your
balls as she slides her mouth all the way down your shaft and swallows
your whole cock, smiling around it the way you moan out her name.

Your eyes start to flutter open in delight but she can’t allow that- the
moment you see her this dream ends and she can’t allow it to happen this
quickly, so she covers your eyes with her other hand as she moves up your
body to whisper in your ear, “shhhhh baby, relax, dream, be with me
tonight” and you fall back to sleep.

This is her time and she is going to enjoy every moment of it teasing you
and pleasing you all night until the sun comes up and she allows you to
awaken, she wants to leave you breathless just one last time.

All through the night she touches, kisses, licks, and brings you right to
the brink of cumming before stopping, but the sun is starting to rise and
she will have to leave soon. She knows this time is coming to an end so
she climbs up on top of you to lower her sweet pussy down over your large
full head. She starts to ride you like no other ever could and she hears
your heart start to pound in your chest.

You feel the most amazing feeling in the entire world,she is riding you
and this is too good to be a dream. This can’t just be a dream and your
heart starts to pound knowing instinctively that your pet is there with
you right now. Your brain is screaming at you to wake up!  Wake up right
fucking now.

She knows her time here is coming to an end shortly so she leans down,
grabs your hands putting them on her full wonderful breasts and starts to
squeeze your cock hard with every muscle in her body- she can feel your
balls start to harden, your cock start to throb, and wants to look in your
eyes one last time as you cum with her so she slaps your face with her
cold soft hand.

You feel a slap on your check and the coldness awakes you. Looking up you
see her. She is really there and she is really riding your hard cock right
now. You just lay there in disbelief until she moans out that she needs
your cum. She needs you to fill her up with your seed and take her “Sir
please” she whines as you feel your balls start to explode but wish you
could stop them, because somehow you just know that once this is over it
truly will be over; but you can’t stop, you can’t hold back.

You want this to last forever but you know this is your one shot to remind
her that you will always love her and she will always be yours!

She looks down at you with a soft smile and starts to ride you harder than
you have ever felt in your life; she knows the sun is on it’s way up and
she has to leave soon, but first she wants to make sure you know she is
happy, she is there and she is watching over you but most of all, she
wants your cum deep inside of her womb when she needs to go back.

She throws her head back and screams as you both start to cum. You deep
inside of her and she all over your body. Pure bliss could not even
describe this feeling and she knows it is the closest thing to heaven you
will feel for a while, so she wants to make sure you remember it!

As the waves of passion wash over you both, you see the tears in her eyes
and know she must go. She leans down to kiss your lips one last time and
whispers “find love my love, but know that I will always be here loving
you” as she starts to glow in a way you have never seen before.

She is so stunningly beautiful as she starts to slowly drift away that you
start to cry out “No don’t leave me” but she leans down, places her finger
on your lips and says, “I will here my love all you have to do is think
of me and I am here, I love you, go back to sleep and dream of me now ”

With that she is gone. You lay there for a while feeling her juices cool
on your skin as your tears start to flow down you face but then you see
the butterfly outside your window and you know you are not alone.

And you smile.

xoxoxo I miss you Tim but  I know you happy where every you ended up and I know that I have been blessed to have you for the short time that I did. Thank you.

When I am with you,

It’s not about sex.

It’s about feeling.

It’s about heat.

It’s about feeling that moment when you run your nails down my back and I cry out.

It’s about feeling the way my body becomes limp when you pull my hair back to expose my throat for your desires.

It’s about feeling the flutter of my pulse against your lips when you kiss my neck.

It’s about that whimper when your teeth bite down on the curve of my neck and I feel
your hot breath against my skin.

It’s about feeling the tensing of my body as you pull it hard against yours and you let your feral nature out to play.

It’s about feeling claw and bite marks as you decorate every part of my body- marking me as yours and making me squirm.

It’s about knowing that you are doing nothing to restrain me, but that my need to please you keeps me in my place.

It’s about the taste of your sweat on your lips when you kiss me, the feel of your skin on mine as you touch me, the
scent of your hair as you lean down to make sure I am ok, and knowing that your body aches, but you still want
more of what I crave to give you.

It’s knowing that I am
completely unrepentantly yours.

No, it’s not about sex.

You see, It’s about so much, much more. It is about how words go away and we operate on just feelings when I am with you.