Eleven in pic

No pictures today, I just couldn’t do it. It’s been a really hard day today and I couldn’t stand to take a picture of myself. I’m not going to critique how I look today because I know that it’s just an image, but it was a really really hard day.

I hear about how these other beautiful skinny women feel so bad about themselves and all I want to say is but what do they have to feel bad about, they’re skinny and they’re beautiful.

So yeah today I’m jealous, infatuation hurts sometimes and I’m upset with myself that I’m feeling less than.

I just did not want to see my body today.

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Six

For some reason, after having a lovely day today I’m just kind of in a bummer mood.

Maybe just overload from such a wonderful weekend away, maybe really looking forward to seeing and spending date night with bf, I know I crave his hugs and kisses right now.

I was trying to think about what to write about today and as it was looking at pics from this weekend it hit me, my smile, it is coming back. Or maybe it never left, I just needed to get out of my head, get out of the problem and back to living in the solution. Living the way I want to again.

I have missed my smile and was reminded this weekend that there are so many others that have also.

Walking on the beach I did a lot of thinking, and main thing thing that ran through my head was that – – I’m not going to be the perfect poly girlfriend that I’ve been trying to be these last couple weeks (and not always succeeding) I’m just going to be me, and that means I might be whining a little bit and I might be greedy a little bit and I might be smiling a whole lot but I’m going to be me and that is the me I love.

I’m going to ask you about your girlfriends because doing that makes me feel like we’re more than just lovers we’re also friends. I’m going to ask you how your day goes because I want people to ask me how my mine went.

I’m going to reach out to the wonderful friends that love me because I have really great ones that nurture my soul. Gods, I so needed this weekend.

I can feel my depression creeping in as we get closer to Monday (work) but damn it- I freaking love my smile and I am not just gonna give it away mostly not because of work or self doubts.

I won

He and I made a bet. Winner gets to request a reward. I really wanted to win this week, I knew just what I was going to ask for to, but as the week went on, I thought more on my request.

The more I thought about it, the less comfortable I felt requesting it.

At the beginning of the week, it seemed like such a simple request, but as the week went on (and thanks to my wonderful over thinking skills) it became complicated.

What I was going to request isn’t what is important, I have a feeling he already knows and if not, I know he will ask.

The reason behind the request was/is totally self centered and that is not how I to live my life and actually, if I did have to request it-it wouldn’t be worth having because then he is only doing it because I won and requested it, not because he wants to.

If I have learned anything over this past year in this relationship, it is:

1) he is pretty damn intune with me and my quirks of slipping into being insecure and overthinking crap.

2) I don’t own his behaviors and our relationship is ours, no one else’s, just like theirs is theirs.

So why am I journaling this for all to see, because it is my damn journal and I can write what I want, but mostly because I need to get these feelings out and examine the reasons and motives behind them. If those are not coming from a rational place then maybe, just maybe the feelings are irrational emotions and best dealt with on my own.

Do now off to think of a proper request, one deserving of my time to request and just desire to fulfill.

I think I know what I want but…. That could change too.

Learning while polying 

I am still new at all of this but I have to say, this last year has been an amazing experience.

I think some of the best parts are that I am learning the difference between needs and wants, learning that feelings are just those – feelings!  And while they are important, we are the owners of them.  I am also learning that just because my boyfriend is attracted to others – it doesn’t take anything away from his attraction to me. (My behaviors is what lowers that)  and may have been one of the hardest lessons.

In the past, I used to let my insecurities run rampant and expect others to make me feel better, secure, wanted.

In the past,  I didn’t have to learn to acknowledge what I am feeling, face that those feelings, or do anything to deal with them.

But this is not the past, this is now and I get to have wonderful experiences to help teach me that I am in control of my feelings – not the other way around. I am responsible for dealing with them and allowing myself to be happy, even when I don’t think I can be.

I live my life now in ways that I want to so I can be secure in myself and in the knowledge that I really so bring alot to the table relationship wise, that just because life gets busy doesn’t mean I am not important. 🙂  I just need some reminders sometimes tho (lol) and I get those in good night kisses texts and hello gorgeous good morning ones. 

I got a bit twisted a bit back because boyfriend was having so much fun flirting with other ladies, old beliefs came back to the forefront and I had to learn from them because I love this man and this relationship.

  I also took a good hard look at myself. – am I meant to be poly?  I meant to be here am I honest with myself and honor my needs also? 

I have fun flirting with other guys, it is exciting and fun. Does it take away from my excitement when I get to flirt or be with him- hell no, actually it heightens it some because he is the one that knows me, the person I can share this with and he understands it and me. 🙂

That doesn’t mean I don’t get worried about others being more exciting or stuff like that- but then we text, play, giggle, fuck, make love, and share fun times together. He reminds me he loves me in his own way, and I deal with those old beliefs.

I found this meme and it makes me feel amazing while reminding me that this is not the past at all and it is pretty damn awesome. 

Thank you for a yr of learning, passion, laughter, feelings, growth. and amazing sex!!!!!  I love you handsome man cub! 

Getting in shape is not easy

Damn exercise. Damn it to hell. I loved it before getting sick and now that I am better, it is time to work out again. I just can’t seem to get my movation back even though I try every night.  I miss hearing that I am a good girl or doing a good job, but I know I am doing this for myself and the results do pay off, I just need to do this and push thro the cramps. 

I have so many feeling cropping up and have been working so hard not burdening my boyfriend with them, but missing him, not just sex either (as great as it is!). Just missing the laughter and cuddles. 

But I’ll see him and laugh with him again soon 🙂 and as much as he gets tired of hearing it, I so look forward to it! It is so fun spending time with him. 

Last week an old playmate texted me, wanting to be topped. I hate that he only messages me when that itch needs scratched but it was nice to catch up with him and it was fun to dust off my Domme even if it was just over text. Forgot how good it feels to have someone beg. But the same as before, he gets his craving and runs off, however – I have to say it feels pretty fucking awesome knowing that he knows who to call when that itch gets too strong. 

I enjoy being submissive, but damn sometimes it is so fun telling someone what to do and how to do it!!!  I am so going to have to do more Domme calls!!! 


So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point.