Pretty fucked up

Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day. 

All week I have stepped outside of my balance,  my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do,  I really need some feedback if they were even ok.  if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if  they were disgusting or beautiful. 

 I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful  I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me,  on the inside,  goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need,  maybe that they weren’t really bad,  boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay. 

Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.

 I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.

 You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls,  you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear  that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex

Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.

I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious  if I know where the fences are,  I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free  in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me. 

Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.

 My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday. 

I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle.  I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!

Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me. 

Advertisements

Punches 

They come in so many forms and this week had plenty! 

This week started off so damn amazing! I love laughing and giggling over silly things with the boyfriend and then being put on my knees and getting to be his slutty submissive. 

Gods I had the most amazing time. Even got tucked into bed with the sweetest kiss.  Swoon lol lol 

Punch #1 to the brain – editedt- we talked this all the way out and it is done, we are all good. 

B) I can understand the request I can understand where it’s coming from and I do respect that 100%.

Punch #2 to the heart- 8 years, 1 year, and 1 message. We were together- he and I- as man and mistress for over 8 years. We had so much fun and I knew my place, I was never a threat even though I loved him.  Last year she found out and I was dumped off along side of the roadlike an unwanted puppy. I hurt so badly but D and his pet pushed me to work on me, get to know me, start to love me again. Then boyfriend and I went out for coffee, I was smitten right away, fell in love again and faced the one year anniversary of the last time L and I saw each other together by making amazing new memories!!!! God’s I so love making sundaes!!!! 

This week he changed his number and messaged me from the new one. It was like a punch in the tummy. I cried, told bf, answered ex back to say I was not interested, and then he used an old number to tell me he was just checking on me, didn’t want to see me again. That opened up a whole lot of crap in my brain to deal with. 

Punch #3- time for the body now I guess, I got my first ever yeast infection!!!!  I have worked so hard to avoid these cuz my old best friend used to get them and always so sick. I used to think she was just trying to get attention… Nope I was wrong. This is hell.  

I feel like I have been cunt punched and that is on my hard limit list (at least for right now). I would much rather have my ass cheeks punched! 

Thank goodness for science and doctors that know how to use it cuz this medicine rocks and I am start to feel better – but owie. This sucks!!! 

 I can’t wait to feel back to myself.!! And Hummm that light cunt punch might have to be thought about… 

Just a little twisted up at times. 

We are known to  constantly second guess ourselves, distrust our own instincts, over analyze every word said (and unsaid)( Huh Dev?) not see our own worth, cut ourselves down as a joke, and never take a compliment.  

It is not because I want to be that way, I truly do not. 

I always fought not to be seen as a victim of my past, it is what it is, but I find myself in love with a truly amazing man and walls have came down, allowing him all the way in, and quite a bit of all these feelings are rushing back  demanding they be faced and destroyed. 

And I am doing it, not because I love him but because I love me.  Because I deserve being loved by him, by others, but mostly by myself above all.

 Thank you for being patient with me and my growth Maestre.