Chris Cornell and suicide 

I’ve been thinking about Chris’s death lately and,  while we will never know for sure all of the reasons why,  I have to say I really agree with his family about the meds he was on maybe having some influence on his decision to end it all. 

Having depression is really hard at times, it’s hard to explain to somebody how one day you can feel wonderful the next day you don’t feel like you’re worth anything in the world, even though you know you are. 

It’s hard to hear people say “pull up your bootstraps”  “just do it”  “you got this”  when all you can think is that you’re  just a burden.

 To those people who used to part of my life and who used to say those things (and when I would try to tell them that has nothing to do with putting on those pants or those boots– they would just say while I’m doing tough love on you)  what have to say to you is  f*** you and I say that very politely. 

I remember when I used to go to counseling and they put me on Paxil, I had the most wid dreams. Dreams like being on PCP. God help you if you forget one day of your pill because it’s amazing if you don’t drive off a cliff wondering what the hell you’re doing and why are you still here. 

After playing with doses and amounts, they changed me to a different antidepressant, oh this one was a killer. If I wasn’t angry,  I was crying. If I wasn’t crying,  I was laying in bed wondering why I wasn’t crying. 

There was no way I’d have sex while on it, hell I didn’t even know I was a woman any longer. I had no cravings what so ever ( no, Dev, I can’t get back on that, you will just have to suffer with me wanting your body all of the time) and that killed me. 

I realized that – if you took it for 3 days and then skipped it for 2 and took it for 3 more, it was just like you were on coke!  My son called me out on that one, that I was relapsing by abusing my medicine that way. 

 I stop taking it cold turkey and within a week I felt like me again I felt normal, I was laughing but yet the doctor still needed to make sure that I was okay because I was not dealing with my depression the way I should have been dealing with it

In walked lithium. Oh the doctors liked that one. So did my desire to be numb. It was like committing suicide without having to commit suicide.  I just had to sit and float because that’s all I did on it. I lost the best job I ever had in my entire life up until the one I have now due to being so brain dead. 

 I was doing so many risky things with my life (I am so lucky that I was never raped or killed by a nameless man) and really fucked my life up for a while that I begged to just stop. 

I got off of all meds but weed, there still days sometimes I cry a lot and there’s some days I laugh a lot but I’m alive today and that’s what counts

 Yea,  I still have anxiety.  Yeah,  I still get depressed sometimes and if I could find a doctor that knew how to give me the correct medicine that could take care of me I would probably go back on to help with the anxiety, but talking, journaling, working through issues are helping so much more than the wrong meds. 

I just feel so bad for his kids because I know what it is like to grow up with a father that killed himself. 

That is one of the many many reasons I am glad I was so good at failing back during those days of trail and error and did not succeed,  because I never want my kids to have to grow up with that doubt that they were never good enough to stay around for. 

Pain 

One thing I have learned in the last few years is…

Pain is an amazing thing. Whether it is giving it, receiving it, or just
watching it be handed out to someone else next to you.

The way the human body processes pain to turn it into pleasure is a feat of outstanding awe.

You don’t have to hurt to feel the pain that turns to pleasure. Pain does not need to be hurtful.

You don’t have to go to extremes to achieve pleasure – you just need to release your brain and slide into a wonderful place.

There are so many different ways of pain-

It could be when you are being touched so softly that you want to beg for more but you are torn because it feels so amazing you could just cry.

It could be you are being told “NO- you can not cum right now” when you are so close to .that mind blowing orgasm that your partner has been building up inside of you for quite awhile and you hear them giggle as they watch you fight it off.

 it could be when the person you love/adore/trust is behind you, standing so close to you that you can feel their breath on the back of your neck, but they do not touch you. They tell you that “tonight you are going to hurt so be ready” and all you want to do is beg “Yes please”.

Something as small as a needle, can feel like a saw blade when it is
softly and slowly ran over a freshly swatted ass.

Something as delicate as a woman’s fingertip tapping against your skin can feel like a shark bite when it is done in a certain spot on your body that can make you cum-if it was touched right, that is.

Something as stingy as a riding crop, or a whip, can feel like a cotton swab when you are in a exquisite mind space in the heat of passion.

Something as painful as a slap to the face, a bite to breast, a pull of a nipple by fingertips can feel as tender as a soft breath of air on your lips when done by the person you give yourself to.

It can be the most amazing feeling in the world when youare guided by they one you trust and you lose yourself into it.

You know you want to now don’t you?