Take me…..

Slide your hands in my hair, Kiss me deeply.

Push me down on to the bed and slide down between my legs, push them open with you with your hands and bring your lips down to mine.

Run your tongue up and over my sweet hard little clit, as you start  to slowly work your fingers up into my tight pussy.

Feel me gush as you continue to slowly finger fuck me, biting my clit til I scream and cover your face with my hot sticky sweet cum.

Bring your mouth to mine, kiss me deeply letting me taste myself on your lips as you slide your cock deep inside of this hot wet cunt, making me moan out in delight.

Look into my eyes as you make love to me and tell me I am yours. Bring my body to the point of no return as your balls tighten and your breath comes in gasps.

Wrap your hands around my throat as you bite my lips and call me your whore. Bite my cheek hard, marking me as your bitch while you coat my womb with your cum.

Lay your head down on my chest to catch your breath as your fingertips trace my lips. Hear me giggle as your fingertips move up to trace down my nose to the tip, laughing yourself as you make me breath deeply and feel my body shake in one last climax.

I love laughing with you, I love talking to you, I love sharing you with the ladies you also love because it makes you happy  and that makes me smile, but most of all I love you.

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Words for the last two weeks

Angry– for no rhythm or reason, just am. Don’t wanna adult today. I just want to stay in bed. 

 Tired – woke up in the middle of a dream where I was being made love to by handsome boyfriend due to toddler having a nightmare. 3 am is way too early. 

sad – my friend’s grandmother passed away today, she was in her 80’s and got cancer. I feel sad for the pain my friend is feeling and sad because I never had a grandma’s love.  My grandbaby will never ever question my love for her. 

 happy– big happy moments, going for long walks and making it! Being loved and giving love today. So many things 

secure – sure,  we joke around about him leaving me in 6 more months, but I know that just means I have 6 more months to bug the hell out of him and love him!   I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I have a good chance of survival.  

When he wraps his hands around my throat, I know I can trust him to keep me safe. When his teeth are sinking into my skin, I know I am his.  He is ours but I am his submissive slut. 

Loved – I know I’m loved by my family and I know I’m loved by my friends. Deep in my heart that I’m loved by my partner.  it’s the little things that he does that shows me he loves me. He doesn’t always have to say it,  although that feels good too. 

He works so hard to keep things equal and I’m very very happy about that, and the way he says “never the same but always equal”  just really says something to my heart about what Poly should be. 

Sometimes I worry though that I’m too much of a handful with my insecurity issues and little side or that I’m boring, so I just have to remember to be myself

Lonely–  I felt this way a couple times,  I guess it’s normal to just feel like you want to be cuddled up in bed and held.

 Funny, I look at the way my life has changed in the last 6 months and sometimes I wonder if I’m really meant to be what I am right now and I think so. 

 All I know is that I need to start expressing myself more and not be so damn needy sometimes.

Censored – okay,  this is a big one and kind of touchy. When I first started writing this blog I was nervous about what to say and about putting my partner in here because he has his own blog (which is pretty awesome)  and he has a life. 

I was told that he would never censor anything I wanted to say.  I could say whatever I wanted to say here and it was safe. I don’t know if I feel that way, but that is just my feeling right now and I will deal with it cuz that is what I do best 🙂 

Wanted/ Excited /Strong  all those very good feels he and my life gives me every day!!!! 

Hugs and cuddles please. 

Chris Cornell and suicide 

I’ve been thinking about Chris’s death lately and,  while we will never know for sure all of the reasons why,  I have to say I really agree with his family about the meds he was on maybe having some influence on his decision to end it all. 

Having depression is really hard at times, it’s hard to explain to somebody how one day you can feel wonderful the next day you don’t feel like you’re worth anything in the world, even though you know you are. 

It’s hard to hear people say “pull up your bootstraps”  “just do it”  “you got this”  when all you can think is that you’re  just a burden.

 To those people who used to part of my life and who used to say those things (and when I would try to tell them that has nothing to do with putting on those pants or those boots– they would just say while I’m doing tough love on you)  what have to say to you is  f*** you and I say that very politely. 

I remember when I used to go to counseling and they put me on Paxil, I had the most wid dreams. Dreams like being on PCP. God help you if you forget one day of your pill because it’s amazing if you don’t drive off a cliff wondering what the hell you’re doing and why are you still here. 

After playing with doses and amounts, they changed me to a different antidepressant, oh this one was a killer. If I wasn’t angry,  I was crying. If I wasn’t crying,  I was laying in bed wondering why I wasn’t crying. 

There was no way I’d have sex while on it, hell I didn’t even know I was a woman any longer. I had no cravings what so ever ( no, Dev, I can’t get back on that, you will just have to suffer with me wanting your body all of the time) and that killed me. 

I realized that – if you took it for 3 days and then skipped it for 2 and took it for 3 more, it was just like you were on coke!  My son called me out on that one, that I was relapsing by abusing my medicine that way. 

 I stop taking it cold turkey and within a week I felt like me again I felt normal, I was laughing but yet the doctor still needed to make sure that I was okay because I was not dealing with my depression the way I should have been dealing with it

In walked lithium. Oh the doctors liked that one. So did my desire to be numb. It was like committing suicide without having to commit suicide.  I just had to sit and float because that’s all I did on it. I lost the best job I ever had in my entire life up until the one I have now due to being so brain dead. 

 I was doing so many risky things with my life (I am so lucky that I was never raped or killed by a nameless man) and really fucked my life up for a while that I begged to just stop. 

I got off of all meds but weed, there still days sometimes I cry a lot and there’s some days I laugh a lot but I’m alive today and that’s what counts

 Yea,  I still have anxiety.  Yeah,  I still get depressed sometimes and if I could find a doctor that knew how to give me the correct medicine that could take care of me I would probably go back on to help with the anxiety, but talking, journaling, working through issues are helping so much more than the wrong meds. 

I just feel so bad for his kids because I know what it is like to grow up with a father that killed himself. 

That is one of the many many reasons I am glad I was so good at failing back during those days of trail and error and did not succeed,  because I never want my kids to have to grow up with that doubt that they were never good enough to stay around for. 

Shadows

I wrote this a while ago to put on my phone sex blog because it is hot- but wanted to put it here as this is the day I found out 2 years ago that the man I had loved passed away a year before, I wrote it because I couldn’t get the thought of having one last time with him off of my mind. I just didn’t want to write it as from me tho, so this turned out the best way to get my feelings out.

I am so blessed now to get to have a wonderful man in my life that I love and that I know loves me. Still new at the Poly thing- but I am so happy he is teaching me and allowing me the feelings that I do get sometimes and we can talk about. that is so new also.

Hope you enjoy-

She walks in shadows, keeping her steps steady and quiet. You would not
even know she was there if she did not make herself known to you, but she
sees all and dreams of even more. She watches as you lay down in
bed, wishing she could be there with you, making love with you one last
time.

She sets in the tree in the back yard, you know which one, the one that
you took her hard against that last night. Remembering the way your hands
felt on her body, your lips on her mouth, your cock deep inside of her as
you told her you would always love her.

She plays in the stream in the back yard, letting the cold water wash over
her body as she smiles up to the night sky; remembering the night you took
her by the hand there and asked her to be yours, laughing about how
nervous you were. That laugh you hear now, that you think it is just a dream
or a memory but it is her, there with you tonight.

As you lay in bed, you can’t help but feel her around you, to smell her
perfume as you lay your head down on her pillow. It is too warm in the
room to wear the blankets so you just lay there naked, wishing for one
last time.

Just as your eyes start to drift shut, you could swear you felt the bed
move, it was just a little and you convince yourself that it
was just a starting of a wonderful dream.

And it is, you see- tonight she gets her wish, one last time. She sits
down on the bed beside you and watches as you drift off to sleep. Slowly
she lifts her white lace night gown over her head and slides her body next
to yours, you stir just enough to reach out for her, and she slides in
your arms. She feels you take a deep breath knowing that you are smelling
her perfume.

She runs her hand down your chest and smiles as she watches the goose
bumps rise on your skin and hears your moan start deep down in your chest.
She feels you reach up and touch her hair like you always loved to do, it
would have taken her breath away- if she had any.

She can’t help but let a tear run down her check as she watches your lips
turn up into a smile and then leans down to kiss those wonderful lips while sliding her body even closer to yours and her hand down to
your hardening cock. “Always so hard for me” she giggles and her giggle
makes you smile, you can hear it in this wonderful dream you are having
and it makes you hard.

You moan as you feel her body next to yours, feels so life-like in this
dream and arch up in delight as her mouth circles your cock-head just the
way she knows you love her to do. You try to steady yourself or else you
will be cumming way too soon and – even tho this is a just a dream (or so
you think) you really don’t want it to be over this quickly.

She loves the way you arch up, gives her extra time to play with your
balls as she slides her mouth all the way down your shaft and swallows
your whole cock, smiling around it the way you moan out her name.

Your eyes start to flutter open in delight but she can’t allow that- the
moment you see her this dream ends and she can’t allow it to happen this
quickly, so she covers your eyes with her other hand as she moves up your
body to whisper in your ear, “shhhhh baby, relax, dream, be with me
tonight” and you fall back to sleep.

This is her time and she is going to enjoy every moment of it teasing you
and pleasing you all night until the sun comes up and she allows you to
awaken, she wants to leave you breathless just one last time.

All through the night she touches, kisses, licks, and brings you right to
the brink of cumming before stopping, but the sun is starting to rise and
she will have to leave soon. She knows this time is coming to an end so
she climbs up on top of you to lower her sweet pussy down over your large
full head. She starts to ride you like no other ever could and she hears
your heart start to pound in your chest.

You feel the most amazing feeling in the entire world,she is riding you
and this is too good to be a dream. This can’t just be a dream and your
heart starts to pound knowing instinctively that your pet is there with
you right now. Your brain is screaming at you to wake up!  Wake up right
fucking now.

She knows her time here is coming to an end shortly so she leans down,
grabs your hands putting them on her full wonderful breasts and starts to
squeeze your cock hard with every muscle in her body- she can feel your
balls start to harden, your cock start to throb, and wants to look in your
eyes one last time as you cum with her so she slaps your face with her
cold soft hand.

You feel a slap on your check and the coldness awakes you. Looking up you
see her. She is really there and she is really riding your hard cock right
now. You just lay there in disbelief until she moans out that she needs
your cum. She needs you to fill her up with your seed and take her “Sir
please” she whines as you feel your balls start to explode but wish you
could stop them, because somehow you just know that once this is over it
truly will be over; but you can’t stop, you can’t hold back.

You want this to last forever but you know this is your one shot to remind
her that you will always love her and she will always be yours!

She looks down at you with a soft smile and starts to ride you harder than
you have ever felt in your life; she knows the sun is on it’s way up and
she has to leave soon, but first she wants to make sure you know she is
happy, she is there and she is watching over you but most of all, she
wants your cum deep inside of her womb when she needs to go back.

She throws her head back and screams as you both start to cum. You deep
inside of her and she all over your body. Pure bliss could not even
describe this feeling and she knows it is the closest thing to heaven you
will feel for a while, so she wants to make sure you remember it!

As the waves of passion wash over you both, you see the tears in her eyes
and know she must go. She leans down to kiss your lips one last time and
whispers “find love my love, but know that I will always be here loving
you” as she starts to glow in a way you have never seen before.

She is so stunningly beautiful as she starts to slowly drift away that you
start to cry out “No don’t leave me” but she leans down, places her finger
on your lips and says, “I will here my love all you have to do is think
of me and I am here, I love you, go back to sleep and dream of me now ”

With that she is gone. You lay there for a while feeling her juices cool
on your skin as your tears start to flow down you face but then you see
the butterfly outside your window and you know you are not alone.

And you smile.

xoxoxo I miss you Tim but  I know you happy where every you ended up and I know that I have been blessed to have you for the short time that I did. Thank you.

New journey 

No not a new song from the band darn it!!

Starting March 1st I will be starting a journey of getting back in shape. I don’t want to loss my curves – I love those, I just wanna smoother out the rough spots and trim back the extra miles around them.

You see, I am 386 lbs. Yes, I can accept that I am a big gorgeous girl because my Sir has me saying that to myself every day, but-I miss walking without pain in my back and knee. I want to be able to hike, camp, and go for walks on the beach again (and ride the he’ll out of him also).

So starting the journey a bit early by sharing this here and hopefully sharing the good stuff as well as the “Oh my gosh, I can’t do this moments”.