Day 23- this is from 3/29- submission, worry, strength, honor

Dealing with being sick, but wanted to come blog. I may get this finished yet.

Blogging, and sometimes submissiveness, can sometimes be easy to put down for a moment and then before you know it, you feel like something is off or missing from your days so you look around and realize that you put it down and forgot about it a touch too long. It can get hard to get back in the groove, but if it is worth it to you- you can pick it back up like you never left off.

My submissive side is pretty important to me, I don’t open it up to just anyone and I don’t take it out, dust it off and use it just for fun sex time.

I was welcomed into the BDSM life style before the swinging life style and sometimes it is really hard to walk that fine line between dating and serving, between wanting to be independent and wanting to be owned, between knowing that you don’t need permission to do something and wishing you still should ask for it.

I think the last part is the hardest part. I know I don’t need my Bf’s permission to have people over at my house, I know I don’t need to ask for his permission to go do something, but yet there is that part of me that loves to be his submissive and craves asking for the permission from my Maestre, that truly submissive side that wants to be allowed to feel controlled – even if just in a small token way.

So live day by day, enjoy each experience and expect nothing but be thankful for all, my life and my submissive little side grows more everyday that way while my independent strong woman side of me becomes the one I am meant to be.

Follow directions and take care of myself- that is how I feed my submissive side so that when my Maestre wants to play I can please him and when I do ask for his permission to do something he will understand why (what is behind me asking) I feel the need to do so.

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I wanna… 

I want to journal but yet I want to go to sleep,  I think I’m just way too high to start journaling right now.

Due my damn camera not working well and my gimp ass hand I have tonight,  the two videos that I made for my Maestre did not go through. 

one didn’t send all the way and the other I couldn’t hold the camera long enough to masturbate with the other hand. I will try again in the am… Still, not happy about it tho. 

Haven’t blogged in a while – but my mind is rushing to places that it doesn’t need to go anyway and have just been shutting that down the best I can.

 This pain I have been in for the past two weeks or so has been a real eye opener and humbling,  yet pisses me off because I have so much to do for the move and still need to work my phone job soon for $$$. 

My mind is running and body crashing before the pain cames back so nite nite