They crash

Walls are so easy to build and they are even easier to rebuild.

You don’t want to get hurt so you stop reaching out, but one day, one fateful day, someone comes along and starts kicking at those walls.

Just little kicks at 1st so you think nothing of it, but then they kiss you and those damn walls start to shake. They hold your face in your hands and those damn walls start to bend. They see you, truly see you and they like what they see. They hold you close one night and the walls crumble. They are in and it scares you to death but you are willing to be scared now.

Time goes on, you are happy but still learning about relationships. You watch and see, you feel the walls starting to build back up again because you don’t want to be hurt, but at the same time, you don’t want to hold anyone else’s feelings back, so you start stacking the bricks back up one at a time, you don’t want to rush this because this is yours and yours alone.

You do great until one night your partner sees thro it all over again. In that one moment, he sees the clinched hands as you are standing between them enjoying so much pain. He can feel it on your body, something is different and he calls you on it.

He kisses you and those walls start to bend, forget shake. He tells you to kiss him and the feeling of his lips upon yours once more, the way your lips cave in and can feel so much love there- it is so breath takingly beautiful that you can’t help but feel those wall crumble.

Damn it, there they go, falling down as fast the tears roll down your face, they shatter, leave your soul standing there to him bare again and you would not change one damn thing at that moment. In that one damn moment you stop and just feel. You know you are love, cared about, wanted still and part of.

Thank you for seeing me Maestre, thank you for hearing me Lady, thank you for allowing me to build myself back up again instead of those damn walls.

Thank you for giving me that one damn moment in time

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Day 23- this is from 3/29- submission, worry, strength, honor

Dealing with being sick, but wanted to come blog. I may get this finished yet.

Blogging, and sometimes submissiveness, can sometimes be easy to put down for a moment and then before you know it, you feel like something is off or missing from your days so you look around and realize that you put it down and forgot about it a touch too long. It can get hard to get back in the groove, but if it is worth it to you- you can pick it back up like you never left off.

My submissive side is pretty important to me, I don’t open it up to just anyone and I don’t take it out, dust it off and use it just for fun sex time.

I was welcomed into the BDSM life style before the swinging life style and sometimes it is really hard to walk that fine line between dating and serving, between wanting to be independent and wanting to be owned, between knowing that you don’t need permission to do something and wishing you still should ask for it.

I think the last part is the hardest part. I know I don’t need my Bf’s permission to have people over at my house, I know I don’t need to ask for his permission to go do something, but yet there is that part of me that loves to be his submissive and craves asking for the permission from my Maestre, that truly submissive side that wants to be allowed to feel controlled – even if just in a small token way.

So live day by day, enjoy each experience and expect nothing but be thankful for all, my life and my submissive little side grows more everyday that way while my independent strong woman side of me becomes the one I am meant to be.

Follow directions and take care of myself- that is how I feed my submissive side so that when my Maestre wants to play I can please him and when I do ask for his permission to do something he will understand why (what is behind me asking) I feel the need to do so.

Learning while polying 

I am still new at all of this but I have to say, this last year has been an amazing experience.

I think some of the best parts are that I am learning the difference between needs and wants, learning that feelings are just those – feelings!  And while they are important, we are the owners of them.  I am also learning that just because my boyfriend is attracted to others – it doesn’t take anything away from his attraction to me. (My behaviors is what lowers that)  and may have been one of the hardest lessons.

In the past, I used to let my insecurities run rampant and expect others to make me feel better, secure, wanted.

In the past,  I didn’t have to learn to acknowledge what I am feeling, face that those feelings, or do anything to deal with them.

But this is not the past, this is now and I get to have wonderful experiences to help teach me that I am in control of my feelings – not the other way around. I am responsible for dealing with them and allowing myself to be happy, even when I don’t think I can be.

I live my life now in ways that I want to so I can be secure in myself and in the knowledge that I really so bring alot to the table relationship wise, that just because life gets busy doesn’t mean I am not important. 🙂  I just need some reminders sometimes tho (lol) and I get those in good night kisses texts and hello gorgeous good morning ones. 

I got a bit twisted a bit back because boyfriend was having so much fun flirting with other ladies, old beliefs came back to the forefront and I had to learn from them because I love this man and this relationship.

  I also took a good hard look at myself. – am I meant to be poly?  I meant to be here am I honest with myself and honor my needs also? 

I have fun flirting with other guys, it is exciting and fun. Does it take away from my excitement when I get to flirt or be with him- hell no, actually it heightens it some because he is the one that knows me, the person I can share this with and he understands it and me. 🙂

That doesn’t mean I don’t get worried about others being more exciting or stuff like that- but then we text, play, giggle, fuck, make love, and share fun times together. He reminds me he loves me in his own way, and I deal with those old beliefs.

I found this meme and it makes me feel amazing while reminding me that this is not the past at all and it is pretty damn awesome. 

Thank you for a yr of learning, passion, laughter, feelings, growth. and amazing sex!!!!!  I love you handsome man cub! 

Love..

Love takes so many different forms

Love isn’t just a wonderful prince riding in to rescue a beautiful helpless maiden that the fairy tales make little girls dream of…

Love is not just the roses and candlelight that the movies make young ladies dream of…

Love is not just the two older people sitting on a couch talking about days gone by that stories from other couples make newlywed couples dream of…

Sometimes love is a touch, it is a kiss, it is a one night spent together sharing your bodies and then nothing more.

Sometimes love is meeting for coffee and then you crave that person in your life, for the rest of your life if possible.

Sometimes love is the sting of leather against soft skin, the hot wax pouring down on a hard nipple, the deep intake of breath when you wrap your hands around her neck as you growl in her ear how you want to tie her up and make her scream your name as you do all the wonderful devious things you have dreamed of doing to her.

Sometimes love is a whisper, a exchange of voices over a phone-line with a beautiful phone sex girl that leaves you breathless.

What is love? It is whatever makes you shine.

Memories 

She walks into her quiet house looking around,wishing it wasn’t so quiet. Wishing there were whispers of lust coming from the couch, moans of passion coming from the shower, screams of delight and pain echoing from the bedroom.

She walks from room to room touching surfaces and bringing back memories of wild sex in this spot, giggles of joy in that one, moans over there, screams over there. 

Her hand comes across the spot in the kitchen where he bent her over the dishwasher and took her hard from behind. One of his hands in her hair and the other around her throat as she was gushing all over his hard cock and down her legs. 

She smiles at that memory.

Walking into her bedroom she sit down on her soft bed and looks out the bedroom door way into the hallway leading out to her front door. 

 Not such a happy memory there, as her eyes well up with tears. She remembers the last time he walked out of that door feeling that he was upset with her. 

She lays back on the bed and slowly slides her hand down her body, allowing her mind to wander back to how it felt the 1st time he touched her body. 

She shivers as her fingertips touch her nipples and moans quietly as her nails scrape against them making them hard.

Her eyes shut as she continues to rub her nipples a little harder each time till she arches back and cums.

Her breath catches as she rides these waves of orgasm, remember each and every time he sucked and bit her nipples making her cum over and over again.

As her body relaxes, her fingertips start their trail back down her soft body to her sweet pussy. She loves the feeling over her soft pubic hair being pulled and played with, wishing these fingers were his working their magic like they always do.

She opens her eyes, picturing him over her looking g down smiling at her as she starts to rub her clit, a little harder with each stroke till she is moaning his name out loud and her heart pounds in her chest.

She cums with his name on her lips, his eyes in her fantasies, and her hand deep inside of her hot wet cunt.

This is the best way to relive memories but now she wants to make new ones, so she picks up that phone to message him.

 If she can’t have the real thing- at least she can have the best phone sex in town! 

Emotional 

I woke up having a ton of fucking emotions and I just want to talk to you about them. I want to work through them to make sure that I am not just spiraling out of emotional control on my own because I feel like I am.

I know this and I always believed  it is my job as a strong lady to work it out and deal with it, don’t dear let some one know and ask for help because then I allow them in and to see I am weak too.   I also always know that I over feel, over care, over think and worry about becoming  a burden in my own mind, thus truly becoming one in real life.

But I am also your submissive and that means walking a fine line of becoming so dependent on you as my Dom,  that just a quick message back saying that you see me reaching out makes me feel like I am heard. 

Becoming dependent is something I did before and I became too dependent. I want to know how to be that submissive that I feel inside, that I know I truly am and yet keep this independence I have worked so hard for.

I backed off that morning, put my phone down and went and did things with my family knowing that I am loved,  not just by you but by so many and that, even though poly is hard sometimes,  I wouldn’t change it because of the joy I get when it just feel so right.

For so long in relationships I was so worried because I always heard “you could be replaced” and “that one person should meet all your needs” and it’s such bullshit,  but yet when I see someone else meeting your needs I worry that I’m never going to be enough and that’s okay,  because I’m not.  I’m never going to be enough to meet every one of your needs,  but I’m going to be enough to meet every one of those needs that I can.  I have to remember that to make good days good. 

Laying in bed this morning with your arms around me reminded me why I battle doubts about myself and poly and don’t just cut and run back to what I know, why i take the time to talk myself down from my thoughts and venture forward into the unknown. I look down at my bunny tattoos, see that I am jumping to conclusions and I am making up so many issues in my head that I believe them. 

I have a saying on my wall that says “when I tell you that I love you, it doesn’t mean I know you won’t ever go away, just that I wish you didn’t have to. ” I don’t know where this is going with new girls and that is so new to me, it is scary for me. 

I want to be the supportive girl friend I want to be fun and I want to be exciting and it actually does turn me on, 3 ways turn me on, but then the default kicks in I think ” but If he wants her he can’t possibly want me” fuck I hate that default. 

 I am tired of it, and I know it is bullshit.

I have been shoving that feeling down since my cousin chose to stop molesting me one day and my older sister was in the house instead. In my mind he chose her over me to share  that special time with and I don’t remember him touching me again after that day. He told me he loved me and I was special but after that day I was no longer special to him and he left.

 How fucked is that? How fucked up is it that I fear something happening to prove to me again that the default that was  created then is right?

  I don’t fucking want that. 

  I also know that I don’t want to take him for granted because I know he’s choosing to be here and one day,  he might choose to not be here. Hence the “I wish you didn’t have to” part of the quote.

 I can also  make that choice, and that is powerful to say that. I am not a victim. I am not that little girl any longer that has to be so afraid that the man I love is going to decide one day he no longer loves me because that crap was not love, it was abuse, this is love, as strange and scary as it is. 

And, I am a grown ass lady who has feelings, needs, and wants but no one is going to know what those are if I don’t open my damn mouth and talk about them.

Thank you for taking time to help me work through this and loving me through it all.