Memories

She walks into her quiet house looking around,wishing it wasn’t so quiet. Wishing there were whispers of lust coming from the couch, moans of passion coming from the shower, screams of delight and pain echoing from the bedroom.

She walks from room to room touching surfaces and bringing back memories of wild sex in this spot, giggles of joy in that one, moans over there, screams over there. 

Her hand comes across the spot in the kitchen where he bent her over the dishwasher and took her hard from behind. One of his hands in her hair and the other around her throat as she was gushing all over his hard cock and down her legs. 

She smiles at that memory.

Walking into her bedroom she sit down on her soft bed and looks out the bedroom door way into the hallway leading out to her front door. 

 Not such a happy memory there, as her eyes well up with tears. She remembers the last time he walked out of that door feeling that he was upset with her. 

She lays back on the bed and slowly slides her hand down her body, allowing her mind to wander back to how it felt the 1st time he touched her body. 

She shivers as her fingertips touch her nipples and moans quietly as her nails scrape against them making them hard.

Her eyes shut as she continues to rub her nipples a little harder each time till she arches back and cums.

Her breath catches as she rides these waves of orgasm, remember each and every time he sucked and bit her nipples making her cum over and over again.

As her body relaxes, her fingertips start their trail back down her soft body to her sweet pussy. She loves the feeling over her soft pubic hair being pulled and played with, wishing these fingers were his working their magic like they always do.

She opens her eyes, picturing him over her looking g down smiling at her as she starts to rub her clit, a little harder with each stroke till she is moaning his name out loud and her heart pounds in her chest.

She cums with his name on her lips, his eyes in her fantasies, and her hand deep inside of her hot wet cunt.

This is the best way to relive memories but now she wants to make new ones, so she picks up that phone to message him.

 If she can’t have the real thing- at least she can have the best phone sex in town! 

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Emotional

I woke up having a ton of fucking emotions and I just want to talk to you about them. I want to work through them to make sure that I am not just spiraling out of emotional control on my own because I feel like I am.

I know this and I always believed  it is my job as a strong lady to work it out and deal with it, don’t dear let some one know and ask for help because then I allow them in and to see I am weak too.   I also always know that I over feel, over care, over think and worry about becoming  a burden in my own mind, thus truly becoming one in real life.

But I am also your submissive and that means walking a fine line of becoming so dependent on you as my Dom,  that just a quick message back saying that you see me reaching out makes me feel like I am heard. 

Becoming dependent is something I did before and I became too dependent. I want to know how to be that submissive that I feel inside, that I know I truly am and yet keep this independence I have worked so hard for.

I backed off that morning, put my phone down and went and did things with my family knowing that I am loved,  not just by you but by so many and that, even though poly is hard sometimes,  I wouldn’t change it because of the joy I get when it just feel so right.

For so long in relationships I was so worried because I always heard “you could be replaced” and “that one person should meet all your needs” and it’s such bullshit,  but yet when I see someone else meeting your needs I worry that I’m never going to be enough and that’s okay,  because I’m not.  I’m never going to be enough to meet every one of your needs,  but I’m going to be enough to meet every one of those needs that I can.  I have to remember that to make good days good. 

Laying in bed this morning with your arms around me reminded me why I battle doubts about myself and poly and don’t just cut and run back to what I know, why i take the time to talk myself down from my thoughts and venture forward into the unknown. I look down at my bunny tattoos, see that I am jumping to conclusions and I am making up so many issues in my head that I believe them. 

I have a saying on my wall that says “when I tell you that I love you, it doesn’t mean I know you won’t ever go away, just that I wish you didn’t have to. ” I don’t know where this is going with new girls and that is so new to me, it is scary for me. 

I want to be the supportive girl friend I want to be fun and I want to be exciting and it actually does turn me on, 3 ways turn me on, but then the default kicks in I think ” but If he wants her he can’t possibly want me” fuck I hate that default. 

 I am tired of it, and I know it is bullshit.

I have been shoving that feeling down since my cousin chose to stop molesting me one day and my older sister was in the house instead. In my mind he chose her over me to share  that special time with and I don’t remember him touching me again after that day. He told me he loved me and I was special but after that day I was no longer special to him and he left.

 How fucked is that? How fucked up is it that I fear something happening to prove to me again that the default that was  created then is right?

  I don’t fucking want that. 

  I also know that I don’t want to take him for granted because I know he’s choosing to be here and one day,  he might choose to not be here. Hence the “I wish you didn’t have to” part of the quote.

 I can also  make that choice, and that is powerful to say that. I am not a victim. I am not that little girl any longer that has to be so afraid that the man I love is going to decide one day he no longer loves me because that crap was not love, it was abuse, this is love, as strange and scary as it is. 

And, I am a grown ass lady who has feelings, needs, and wants but no one is going to know what those are if I don’t open my damn mouth and talk about them.

Thank you for taking time to help me work through this and loving me through it all. 

Make love to me.

 

Meet me by the door when you come home after a long day at work.

Reach out and stroke my face with your fingertips before sliding your hand
around to the back of my neck to wrap in my hair as your other hand
reaches out to wrap around my throat.

Squeeze it tightly, you know how that puts me right into a wild
submissive state and you can already smell my body surrendering to your
desires.

Slide your mouth gently over my collarbone, graze it with your teeth.
Bring your lips up to my ear, whisper softly “tonight, you are all mine
bitch.”

Walk me into the bedroom, stand me there as you slowly take off my
clothes. Kissing each part of my skin as it is revealed to you. Take my
shoulders and push me down onto the bed so that your cock is even with my
mouth.

Lift my chin up with your fingers and smile at me as you slowly guide you
that gorgeous cock into my lips. Stand there and enjoy your own personal
slut as I worship your cock with my red lips and hot wet mouth.

Just as I am about to cum from from pleasing you, reach back to pull my
head back by my hair and tell me to lay back on that soft bed.

Run your fingertips down my body slowly, stopping every once in a while to
kiss where you touched.

Part my legs gently and run your tongue along my lips until I am begging
to please please taste me, at that moment dive in and eat this pussy like
it is your last meal on earth.

Own this clit with your teeth as your fingers start to enter me, look up
and see my eyes roll in the back of my head as my legs start to shake, my
ass tightens and I coat your face with my cum.

Smile down at me as you slide up my body and then side your cock deep
inside of my still clenching cunt. Moan as I start to lick my juices off
of your lips and then say no.

One hand holding my wrists down, one hand wrapped tightly around my
throat, you look down at me as you are deeply thrusting inside of me.
Stare at me as you growl out “Mine” and feel me cum once again even harder
all over your cock, balls, and thighs.

Hold me down tight as your words throw me over the edge, repeating then as
I scream out and ride the most intense orgasm of the night. Growl “Mine”
again right before you lean down to leave your bitemark deep on my chest
and cum deep in of me.

Hold me close as my eyes slide shut and whisper in my ear that you love me
as I drift off to sleep. Promise me next time you will mark every inch of
my body as yours with your belt and kiss me before tucking me in tightly
and leaving the bedroom.

I so adore you and every touch you leave on my skin.

Take me…..

Slide your hands in my hair, Kiss me deeply.

Push me down on to the bed and slide down between my legs, push them open with you with your hands and bring your lips down to mine.

Run your tongue up and over my sweet hard little clit, as you start  to slowly work your fingers up into my tight pussy.

Feel me gush as you continue to slowly finger fuck me, biting my clit til I scream and cover your face with my hot sticky sweet cum.

Bring your mouth to mine, kiss me deeply letting me taste myself on your lips as you slide your cock deep inside of this hot wet cunt, making me moan out in delight.

Look into my eyes as you make love to me and tell me I am yours. Bring my body to the point of no return as your balls tighten and your breath comes in gasps.

Wrap your hands around my throat as you bite my lips and call me your whore. Bite my cheek hard, marking me as your bitch while you coat my womb with your cum.

Lay your head down on my chest to catch your breath as your fingertips trace my lips. Hear me giggle as your fingertips move up to trace down my nose to the tip, laughing yourself as you make me breath deeply and feel my body shake in one last climax.

I love laughing with you, I love talking to you, I love sharing you with the ladies you also love because it makes you happy  and that makes me smile, but most of all I love you.

When you know… You just know.

Isn’t it funny how people say that there is no such thing as true love at first sight, but yet others say that when it is right, when you meet “the one” you just know.?

I used to believe that you could only love, or you were only supposed to love just one person at a time and I went many years feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be “the one” I didn’t have enough to offer to be that one.

 Now that I am in my first truly open and loving relationship IONSHIP,  I can finally understand that I don’t have to Try  (and fail)  to be the one because there is no way one man or one woman can fulfill every desire another person has.  

Anyway, the reason behind this blogs is because today on Facebook this pic came up, 

This is Tim, he is no longer alive, he was gone less two yrs after this night. I miss him so much today.

The first time I saw him was a coffee date that turned into dinner. The moment I saw him I bit my lip, smiled, and hugged him. Yes enter here the sappy fireworks and butterflies) we laughed and talked for hours.  This pic was from our second date. There is now way I would have worn this outfit if not for him pushing me into torrid and putting me in it. 

 He left because he got cancer and went back to his ex. I wish I would have known then what I know know, it truly is ok to love more than one.  He taught me to open my heart and feel with love again. I wish I would have told him out loud that I loved him. 

And then about twenty minutes after that pic came up, grandbaby and I were looking at pictures in my phone and this one came up… 

(Oh my gosh, I look like a dork in these pics!!) 

This is our handsome man and I love him so much,  even tho I’m m working  on not saying it so much because I know it can get irritating. 

You might as well go back up and reread the first time I met Tim because that is almost the same damn way.  

Met for coffee that ended with him helping me shop for taco stuff for dinner. I don’t think I have laughed so much in years. I quit dating because I was dumped by a person that I thought cared about me, I was abused verbally and mentally by a man that I thought loved me before and I didn’t want to get back into that again. But the moment he hugged me goodbye that day, I was willing to try one more time. Yeap, bit the lip, lit the fireworks and couldn’t wait to kiss him. 

It took what felt like forever for us to finally get to have a second date and that is where this pic is from. He kissed my cheek and I was joking about him eating my face off. There is no way I would have went there without him threatening to toss me out of his car if  I didn’t.  He even took me to the world of Torrid  later also. 

 I know I am far from perfect and so is he, but he makes me feel gorgeous. I am learning some hard lessons (hard for me because I have never had to learn them nor have had communication like this) about myself and about enjoying life without expectations, even tho sometimes I really want to beg for them.

 I am learning what loving a man that openly loves others is about and sometimes it really isn’t easy, but then he tells me that I am just as important as they are and it is worth it. 

So this is me and I plan on smiling like this for many more yrs to come. 

Punches

They come in so many forms and this week had plenty! 

This week started off so damn amazing! I love laughing and giggling over silly things with the boyfriend and then being put on my knees and getting to be his slutty submissive. 

Gods I had the most amazing time. Even got tucked into bed with the sweetest kiss.  Swoon lol lol 

Punch #1 to the brain – editedt- we talked this all the way out and it is done, we are all good. 

B) I can understand the request I can understand where it’s coming from and I do respect that 100%.

Punch #2 to the heart- 8 years, 1 year, and 1 message. We were together- he and I- as man and mistress for over 8 years. We had so much fun and I knew my place, I was never a threat even though I loved him.  Last year she found out and I was dumped off along side of the roadlike an unwanted puppy. I hurt so badly but D and his pet pushed me to work on me, get to know me, start to love me again. Then boyfriend and I went out for coffee, I was smitten right away, fell in love again and faced the one year anniversary of the last time L and I saw each other together by making amazing new memories!!!! God’s I so love making sundaes!!!! 

This week he changed his number and messaged me from the new one. It was like a punch in the tummy. I cried, told bf, answered ex back to say I was not interested, and then he used an old number to tell me he was just checking on me, didn’t want to see me again. That opened up a whole lot of crap in my brain to deal with. 

Punch #3- time for the body now I guess, I got my first ever yeast infection!!!!  I have worked so hard to avoid these cuz my old best friend used to get them and always so sick. I used to think she was just trying to get attention… Nope I was wrong. This is hell.  

I feel like I have been cunt punched and that is on my hard limit list (at least for right now). I would much rather have my ass cheeks punched! 

Thank goodness for science and doctors that know how to use it cuz this medicine rocks and I am start to feel better – but owie. This sucks!!! 

 I can’t wait to feel back to myself.!! And Hummm that light cunt punch might have to be thought about… 

Words for the last two weeks

Angry– for no rhythm or reason, just am. Don’t wanna adult today. I just want to stay in bed. 

 Tired – woke up in the middle of a dream where I was being made love to by handsome boyfriend due to toddler having a nightmare. 3 am is way too early. 

sad – my friend’s grandmother passed away today, she was in her 80’s and got cancer. I feel sad for the pain my friend is feeling and sad because I never had a grandma’s love.  My grandbaby will never ever question my love for her. 

 happy– big happy moments, going for long walks and making it! Being loved and giving love today. So many things 

secure – sure,  we joke around about him leaving me in 6 more months, but I know that just means I have 6 more months to bug the hell out of him and love him!   I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I have a good chance of survival.  

When he wraps his hands around my throat, I know I can trust him to keep me safe. When his teeth are sinking into my skin, I know I am his.  He is ours but I am his submissive slut. 

Loved – I know I’m loved by my family and I know I’m loved by my friends. Deep in my heart that I’m loved by my partner.  it’s the little things that he does that shows me he loves me. He doesn’t always have to say it,  although that feels good too. 

He works so hard to keep things equal and I’m very very happy about that, and the way he says “never the same but always equal”  just really says something to my heart about what Poly should be. 

Sometimes I worry though that I’m too much of a handful with my insecurity issues and little side or that I’m boring, so I just have to remember to be myself

Lonely–  I felt this way a couple times,  I guess it’s normal to just feel like you want to be cuddled up in bed and held.

 Funny, I look at the way my life has changed in the last 6 months and sometimes I wonder if I’m really meant to be what I am right now and I think so. 

 All I know is that I need to start expressing myself more and not be so damn needy sometimes.

Censored – okay,  this is a big one and kind of touchy. When I first started writing this blog I was nervous about what to say and about putting my partner in here because he has his own blog (which is pretty awesome)  and he has a life. 

I was told that he would never censor anything I wanted to say.  I could say whatever I wanted to say here and it was safe. I don’t know if I feel that way, but that is just my feeling right now and I will deal with it cuz that is what I do best 🙂 

Wanted/ Excited /Strong  all those very good feels he and my life gives me every day!!!! 

Hugs and cuddles please.