When you know… You just know.

Isn’t it funny how people say that there is no such thing as true love at first sight, but yet others say that when it is right, when you meet “the one” you just know.?

I used to believe that you could only love, or you were only supposed to love just one person at a time and I went many years feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be “the one” I didn’t have enough to offer to be that one.

 Now that I am in my first truly open and loving relationship IONSHIP,  I can finally understand that I don’t have to Try  (and fail)  to be the one because there is no way one man or one woman can fulfill every desire another person has.  

Anyway, the reason behind this blogs is because today on Facebook this pic came up, 

This is Tim, he is no longer alive, he was gone less two yrs after this night. I miss him so much today.

The first time I saw him was a coffee date that turned into dinner. The moment I saw him I bit my lip, smiled, and hugged him. Yes enter here the sappy fireworks and butterflies) we laughed and talked for hours.  This pic was from our second date. There is now way I would have worn this outfit if not for him pushing me into torrid and putting me in it. 

 He left because he got cancer and went back to his ex. I wish I would have known then what I know know, it truly is ok to love more than one.  He taught me to open my heart and feel with love again. I wish I would have told him out loud that I loved him. 

And then about twenty minutes after that pic came up, grandbaby and I were looking at pictures in my phone and this one came up… 

(Oh my gosh, I look like a dork in these pics!!) 

This is our handsome man and I love him so much,  even tho I’m m working  on not saying it so much because I know it can get irritating. 

You might as well go back up and reread the first time I met Tim because that is almost the same damn way.  

Met for coffee that ended with him helping me shop for taco stuff for dinner. I don’t think I have laughed so much in years. I quit dating because I was dumped by a person that I thought cared about me, I was abused verbally and mentally by a man that I thought loved me before and I didn’t want to get back into that again. But the moment he hugged me goodbye that day, I was willing to try one more time. Yeap, bit the lip, lit the fireworks and couldn’t wait to kiss him. 

It took what felt like forever for us to finally get to have a second date and that is where this pic is from. He kissed my cheek and I was joking about him eating my face off. There is no way I would have went there without him threatening to toss me out of his car if  I didn’t.  He even took me to the world of Torrid  later also. 

 I know I am far from perfect and so is he, but he makes me feel gorgeous. I am learning some hard lessons (hard for me because I have never had to learn them nor have had communication like this) about myself and about enjoying life without expectations, even tho sometimes I really want to beg for them.

 I am learning what loving a man that openly loves others is about and sometimes it really isn’t easy, but then he tells me that I am just as important as they are and it is worth it. 

So this is me and I plan on smiling like this for many more yrs to come. 

Punches

They come in so many forms and this week had plenty! 

This week started off so damn amazing! I love laughing and giggling over silly things with the boyfriend and then being put on my knees and getting to be his slutty submissive. 

Gods I had the most amazing time. Even got tucked into bed with the sweetest kiss.  Swoon lol lol 

Punch #1 to the brain – editedt- we talked this all the way out and it is done, we are all good. 

B) I can understand the request I can understand where it’s coming from and I do respect that 100%.

Punch #2 to the heart- 8 years, 1 year, and 1 message. We were together- he and I- as man and mistress for over 8 years. We had so much fun and I knew my place, I was never a threat even though I loved him.  Last year she found out and I was dumped off along side of the roadlike an unwanted puppy. I hurt so badly but D and his pet pushed me to work on me, get to know me, start to love me again. Then boyfriend and I went out for coffee, I was smitten right away, fell in love again and faced the one year anniversary of the last time L and I saw each other together by making amazing new memories!!!! God’s I so love making sundaes!!!! 

This week he changed his number and messaged me from the new one. It was like a punch in the tummy. I cried, told bf, answered ex back to say I was not interested, and then he used an old number to tell me he was just checking on me, didn’t want to see me again. That opened up a whole lot of crap in my brain to deal with. 

Punch #3- time for the body now I guess, I got my first ever yeast infection!!!!  I have worked so hard to avoid these cuz my old best friend used to get them and always so sick. I used to think she was just trying to get attention… Nope I was wrong. This is hell.  

I feel like I have been cunt punched and that is on my hard limit list (at least for right now). I would much rather have my ass cheeks punched! 

Thank goodness for science and doctors that know how to use it cuz this medicine rocks and I am start to feel better – but owie. This sucks!!! 

 I can’t wait to feel back to myself.!! And Hummm that light cunt punch might have to be thought about… 

Words for the last two weeks

Angry– for no rhythm or reason, just am. Don’t wanna adult today. I just want to stay in bed. 

 Tired – woke up in the middle of a dream where I was being made love to by handsome boyfriend due to toddler having a nightmare. 3 am is way too early. 

sad – my friend’s grandmother passed away today, she was in her 80’s and got cancer. I feel sad for the pain my friend is feeling and sad because I never had a grandma’s love.  My grandbaby will never ever question my love for her. 

 happy– big happy moments, going for long walks and making it! Being loved and giving love today. So many things 

secure – sure,  we joke around about him leaving me in 6 more months, but I know that just means I have 6 more months to bug the hell out of him and love him!   I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I have a good chance of survival.  

When he wraps his hands around my throat, I know I can trust him to keep me safe. When his teeth are sinking into my skin, I know I am his.  He is ours but I am his submissive slut. 

Loved – I know I’m loved by my family and I know I’m loved by my friends. Deep in my heart that I’m loved by my partner.  it’s the little things that he does that shows me he loves me. He doesn’t always have to say it,  although that feels good too. 

He works so hard to keep things equal and I’m very very happy about that, and the way he says “never the same but always equal”  just really says something to my heart about what Poly should be. 

Sometimes I worry though that I’m too much of a handful with my insecurity issues and little side or that I’m boring, so I just have to remember to be myself

Lonely–  I felt this way a couple times,  I guess it’s normal to just feel like you want to be cuddled up in bed and held.

 Funny, I look at the way my life has changed in the last 6 months and sometimes I wonder if I’m really meant to be what I am right now and I think so. 

 All I know is that I need to start expressing myself more and not be so damn needy sometimes.

Censored – okay,  this is a big one and kind of touchy. When I first started writing this blog I was nervous about what to say and about putting my partner in here because he has his own blog (which is pretty awesome)  and he has a life. 

I was told that he would never censor anything I wanted to say.  I could say whatever I wanted to say here and it was safe. I don’t know if I feel that way, but that is just my feeling right now and I will deal with it cuz that is what I do best 🙂 

Wanted/ Excited /Strong  all those very good feels he and my life gives me every day!!!! 

Hugs and cuddles please. 

Tempted

So funny thing is, boyfriend wrote a blog last week about different forms of temptations and what we give up as people. I loved it, it was very good.  And yet it reminded me that sometimes,  I am not really true about honoring myself  or follow through. 

Today I got a message from a number I did not recognize.  Just a simple hello,

 I answered back and asked who it was, found out it was from the man that I spent almost 9 years with, one that would text good morning every morning for all of those years, except that doesn’t happen any longer and hasn’t for the past year. 

I remember the first morning that that didn’t happen again, April 21st last yr. We had just seen each other at the hotel in Seattle and I woke up waiting for that text. It never came.

A few days later I got that hello text, turns out his wife caught him coming home that night and he needed to break us off to save them. He said all kinds of things, but all that I heard was-  I don’t need you anymore” of course the standard “,God I want a blow job was there too” 

He never texted without it, but that is what our relationship was based on and we both enjoyed it oh so very much and sometimes I miss it. 

I explained that I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and that I just couldn’t go back to where I was before. I can’t and I won’t. 

But, I was so tempted to because I could lose myself, I… 

Fuck I just won’t even if I want to. I am in love and I deserve love, I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to have the man I truly love grab me and say “mine”.

 I deserve to be happy and going back there will not put me into a place to be happy.  

Chris Cornell and suicide

I’ve been thinking about Chris’s death lately and,  while we will never know for sure all of the reasons why,  I have to say I really agree with his family about the meds he was on maybe having some influence on his decision to end it all. 

Having depression is really hard at times, it’s hard to explain to somebody how one day you can feel wonderful the next day you don’t feel like you’re worth anything in the world, even though you know you are. 

It’s hard to hear people say “pull up your bootstraps”  “just do it”  “you got this”  when all you can think is that you’re  just a burden.

 To those people who used to part of my life and who used to say those things (and when I would try to tell them that has nothing to do with putting on those pants or those boots– they would just say while I’m doing tough love on you)  what have to say to you is  f*** you and I say that very politely. 

I remember when I used to go to counseling and they put me on Paxil, I had the most wid dreams. Dreams like being on PCP. God help you if you forget one day of your pill because it’s amazing if you don’t drive off a cliff wondering what the hell you’re doing and why are you still here. 

After playing with doses and amounts, they changed me to a different antidepressant, oh this one was a killer. If I wasn’t angry,  I was crying. If I wasn’t crying,  I was laying in bed wondering why I wasn’t crying. 

There was no way I’d have sex while on it, hell I didn’t even know I was a woman any longer. I had no cravings what so ever ( no, Dev, I can’t get back on that, you will just have to suffer with me wanting your body all of the time) and that killed me. 

I realized that – if you took it for 3 days and then skipped it for 2 and took it for 3 more, it was just like you were on coke!  My son called me out on that one, that I was relapsing by abusing my medicine that way. 

 I stop taking it cold turkey and within a week I felt like me again I felt normal, I was laughing but yet the doctor still needed to make sure that I was okay because I was not dealing with my depression the way I should have been dealing with it

In walked lithium. Oh the doctors liked that one. So did my desire to be numb. It was like committing suicide without having to commit suicide.  I just had to sit and float because that’s all I did on it. I lost the best job I ever had in my entire life up until the one I have now due to being so brain dead. 

 I was doing so many risky things with my life (I am so lucky that I was never raped or killed by a nameless man) and really fucked my life up for a while that I begged to just stop. 

I got off of all meds but weed, there still days sometimes I cry a lot and there’s some days I laugh a lot but I’m alive today and that’s what counts

 Yea,  I still have anxiety.  Yeah,  I still get depressed sometimes and if I could find a doctor that knew how to give me the correct medicine that could take care of me I would probably go back on to help with the anxiety, but talking, journaling, working through issues are helping so much more than the wrong meds. 

I just feel so bad for his kids because I know what it is like to grow up with a father that killed himself. 

That is one of the many many reasons I am glad I was so good at failing back during those days of trail and error and did not succeed,  because I never want my kids to have to grow up with that doubt that they were never good enough to stay around for. 

Abortion

Such a touchy subject and one that is touching my family yet again,  but this time closer than just my cousin. 

My cousin had Scarlett fever when she was little, she lived but with a hole in her heart. When she got pregnant, the doctor told her to choose-her life or the baby’s and that is if she was even able to carry to term. She made the best choice possible and now thanks to having that hole repaired, has three beautiful girls. 

I thank the powers that be that that choice was available and legal. I hate to think about all the lifes through history that were lost because it wasn’t. 

This time it isn’t my cousin. This time it is my daughter. She has a loving husband, a great job, a beautiful smart little girl. She has a tiny fetus growing in her that 1) could harm her body (1st baby almost destroyed her back) . 2) that could kill her. 3) that,  even if none of those two happen, they are so not in a place for a second child nor do they want one. 

They used birth control due to all of those facts and I am so proud of their wise thinking. I know some may not agree with their choice and that it ok. Not asking for you to agree, just asking for that shoulder to lean that I hope is still there. 

I worry my little girl is going to hurt, both physically and emotionally and there won’t be anything I can do to help her, besides be there for her to lean on and lately it feels like she doesn’t really need me there for that. She has her hubby now, she doesn’t need her mommy any more, or so how it feels lately. Feels that way alot in my life lately and I don’t know how to make it better. 

So, life changes. Life goes on or it doesn’t, that is just a fact of life as we live it today. 

I just feel so alone today (even tho I know I am loved and wanted in all aspects of my life)  All I want to do is cry today and be held. I really miss being held tight in his arms and being cuddled. And.. I am scared. 

Scared for my child that she even has to face this life changing decision and worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting her. 

I worry so much about upsetting people and them leaving me that I say nothing and they do. 

But such is life. Time to stop worrying and just keep on living and being there for my child no matter what!!!!  

Make love to me

So, I went back to my phone job the other night, It was really nice being back. I really did miss it; however,  I also realized I had forgot how much work it is, mostly mentally. 

I am there to please and that need changes from one call to the next, but what stays the same is that craving to be held after it. The want to hear that I am special  to someone and that I am loved.  I have some pretty intense calls at times and I don’t believe in faking my tone/voice/body reactions, but along with that all comes the brain and emotional reactions. 

I know that I am loved and special to my family and my boyfriend because they show me every day, but after spending am hour plus on the phone hearing about/and talking about what a worthless whore of a tramp you are (on a call to get him off),  even through you know that is not true, you still crave to hear the words I love you, I want you. Not the phone girl but you. 

Believe me, I am not complaining. I am not bitching, I chose to go back to this job because the pay can be very good, the calls can be fun. 

But this week I realized just how much I wish I could not go home to be alone in my bed after some of those calls.

 I kept messaging my guy all week about being wanting to held and it wasn’t until he said it bothered him, that I took a moment to see why I felt so needy. 

I go back this weekend to rock the phones and I know in advance that one of the calls is gonna put me in subspace (because it always does) so this time I am hoping to be prepared for the drop a few days later. I have a soft Blankie on my bed and will allow sometime this weeend/week for self care. 

 My guy jokes that after a good hard screaming moaning climax I go into little space and wanna be all mushy, held and then sleep. This is very true, so hence the sofy Blankie on my bed for when I get home. Will also talk to him about this on date night this week when we have more time together 🙂 

Steps for selfcare and to be a fucking hot chick are awesome!!!!!