Day 21, breaking point

I took no pictures, and I did not blog yesterday because I stayed in bed all day in pain.

I pushed myself too hard the other day and I could feel it yesterday however I was also sick yesterday with a terrible headache cold chills and massive pain it feels like every bone in my hip is grinding together.

My son brought me medicine and my friend came over and rubbed my back with massive amounts of bengay while listening to me whine and cry but refuse to to the ER.

Today’s the day I’m worried about though, the pain is still there just not as bad as yesterday, however today’s the day I need to get up and go to work.

If I stay in bed one more day that might be the breaking point of “but I hurt I just want to stay in bed” that might be the point where I don’t get out of bed again. I watch my sister go through that after a car wreck. Where all she did was stay in bed and heal, and now that’s all she does, she has gotten huge and I don’t want that to happen to me. But gods it hurts so bad to stand up and walk today, I wish I could stay in bed one more day

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Day 18

Can’t sleep,

I knew this was going to be hard but my fucking head won’t shut off tonight.

It’s not my business, but yet I feel like I should know. If it has been said, then I know I should believe it, but believing things doesn’t come easy for me.

Had yet another meeting at work, once again – “if you are not happy here you can always leave”, boy hearing that sure makes me feel valuable and wanted around.

I finally told them to stop saying that, that just once I would (fucking) like to hear “I don’t want you to go” “I want you to stay right here because you being here is important to me also”

Knowing it and hearing are two totally different things, sometimes you just wanna hear it., even if it is at just a job, it is still true.

This weekend I will wrestle with my anxiety and inner demons alone, but I do that alot anyways because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone.

It is a good thing for me to do, cuz at the end of the day, I am the one walking my path alone, no matter whom I share my life with, and I have to make sure it is a good one.

This is just a bit hard tonight.

My week from hell

I never knew how fast a body could shut down and decide to stop life as you know it until you give in and rest. 

It all started with a hellva rash all over my arms and chest. Itched so bad that I also drew blood with each stratch. Then the knee pain, I couldn’t bend them, couldn’t hardly walk. 

As the weeks went on, whatever was going on with my body moved into my hands, ankles, shoulders, and settled in my hips. I missed work, my body was so sensitive I even had to Bailey on boyfriend touches. 😦 

One day all I could do was lay in bed and cry. Every move I made hurt like hell, that is when I really had to do some thinking about my life and getting older, realizing I am only going to get older as time goes on and I better get some $$$ in savings for the future. 

Thank goodness for 2 different types of steroids, I can walk again. I am still not like I was but so much better than I had been. 

Still, these last few weeks of pain and getting ready for this move have really opened my eyes to some stuff  but also gave me a much needed boost of confidence. 

 I know I can do this and go through that and all I need is that little extra lovin to keep me centered and moving towards my goals. 

But now I need to start all over again on my exercises 😦 

Sweet little spot.

I have my own private little space, my own private little spot, it is all mine and no one else shares it. 

I am sure many can see it, but only a few truely know for sure and even less would ever say something- even if they thought they knew, some times I wish they would see me. 

Sometimes I wish they would ask, but then I would just lie to them and blow off their worries, because that spot is mine and mine alone. 

I MAY share it and let you touch it, but you will never own it like I do. 

When I want to escape, be in control, go to a happy zone all I have to do is look down.

 It hasn’t been touched for a while now but when I want to feel better, I just have to run my finger along side of it and it sends chills up my spine. 

That spot has been well used and, even though I say I dont need to go there, I don’t need to play with it,  I know I will give in and play with it again someday soon. I feel the pressure building and sometimes just need the release playing in that spot brings.

There are many different ways I can touch that spot. 

Many different little touches that feels so good. 

Plus, where it is- I always have a way of saying “oops I accidentally touched it again” and no one (except for one, I am sure he notice) would question me upon glancing at it. 

Now that I no longer work in a kitchen, it has been a whole lot harder to blow off questions though. I do miss that waffle iron.

It used to be how I coped when I didn’t think I could, but they also serve as a reminder that I am too damn strong to let things make me feel lost today even when I don’t feel like I am.

I miss touching my spot somedays but it is mine and I can run my fingers over it and remind myself that it is right there waiting for me to comeback and visit it anytime I wish.

Memories come rushing back

This week has been a week of freakouts, tears, crying, love, and support.

 It happened again tonight, memories I had buried so deep that they should have never been able to claw their way out found a crack and came screaming back in. 

Before this last year I would have taken those painfilled memories and used them to justify external pain as a way to put them back in their place. 

Memories of being a stubborn smart little girl that was so proud of herself. So sure the world was hers only to be broken with words and touches. To be used in ways a child should not be used. Left to hide those secrets deep inside of herself, to lose herself in order to forget those dirty little secrets. 

They come rushing back in to destroy your peace  as strong as the waves came rushing from the tsunami to destroy other’s homes. Knocking open all those doors you shut up tightly  over the years to help you forget. But you never really forget do you? No matter how many doors in your mind you shut and lock, that wave always finds a way in. 

All it takes is the sound of a child’s voice begging “no, don’t,  that hurts” to get that wave started.  It is all you can do to process and plan before your inner child screams out with her, and then you have to reminded yourself that you are ok, you will be ok, that you don’t have to have pain (self inflictted or other wise)  to be ok…. this time.

This time you are a grown woman who can ask for help to walk through those triggering feelings and come out of that walk a strong humble lady that can handle what the world throws at her once again, but you do have to take that walk. No more hiding behind closed doors or allowing pain to numb you. 



Pain 

One thing I have learned in the last few years is…

Pain is an amazing thing. Whether it is giving it, receiving it, or just
watching it be handed out to someone else next to you.

The way the human body processes pain to turn it into pleasure is a feat of outstanding awe.

You don’t have to hurt to feel the pain that turns to pleasure. Pain does not need to be hurtful.

You don’t have to go to extremes to achieve pleasure – you just need to release your brain and slide into a wonderful place.

There are so many different ways of pain-

It could be when you are being touched so softly that you want to beg for more but you are torn because it feels so amazing you could just cry.

It could be you are being told “NO- you can not cum right now” when you are so close to .that mind blowing orgasm that your partner has been building up inside of you for quite awhile and you hear them giggle as they watch you fight it off.

 it could be when the person you love/adore/trust is behind you, standing so close to you that you can feel their breath on the back of your neck, but they do not touch you. They tell you that “tonight you are going to hurt so be ready” and all you want to do is beg “Yes please”.

Something as small as a needle, can feel like a saw blade when it is
softly and slowly ran over a freshly swatted ass.

Something as delicate as a woman’s fingertip tapping against your skin can feel like a shark bite when it is done in a certain spot on your body that can make you cum-if it was touched right, that is.

Something as stingy as a riding crop, or a whip, can feel like a cotton swab when you are in a exquisite mind space in the heat of passion.

Something as painful as a slap to the face, a bite to breast, a pull of a nipple by fingertips can feel as tender as a soft breath of air on your lips when done by the person you give yourself to.

It can be the most amazing feeling in the world when youare guided by they one you trust and you lose yourself into it.

You know you want to now don’t you? 

Sub with a twist part 2! 

The second part about being a submissive with a Twist is that I love to watch pain.

 I love how it feels when that little bit of  pain starts rushing through my body -just a little bit at first, and then building up to the point where I can’t help but scream  and then back down to the little bit.

Something that really makes me fucking wet is watching someone be whipped, watching someone serve another person in a way that leaves them weak kneed.  I love to watch that so much. Getting turned in right now even, just thinking about it. 

Maybe that’s why it’s a good thing I keep the phone job on the side because that’s where I get to work out all my little inner demons on the submissive men that call me. Love to hear them beg to be hurt.