Doll’s lifeĀ 

My grandbaby has these dolls she takes baths with. Every time after the bath, they would be put away differently. 

I joked around with my darling Meta, that I should write a blog about their poly lifestyle with pics, even had some pretty good pictures šŸ™‚ 

However; last Monday night, I came home to something that has been throwing me for a loop and don’t really know what to think, lol. 

We had an awesome date night, I love getting to spend time with my boyfriend, it is just really nice. He talked- no we talked,  about how maybe I should start seeing other people again and not be so dependent on him (which is hard for me because I allowed my submissive walls to come down with him and let him deeply inside. I learned to trust and try again and my submissive side is nervous),  it was a great talk and I felt good about my feelings and our relationship. 

But when I got home I noticed the next day,  the dark hair girl was gone from the tub. It was just the two blondes left.  Apparently her hair was icky and she got removed from the pairing. 

I don’t usually let my anxiety talk to me for a long time because I know it is just crap talking, but today (and part of this weekend) it is just bugging me. What if I am that dark haired girl and,  since he is doing so great in his life, job, relationships he (they) no longer want me around?  Which is bullshit cuz I am awesome lol giggle 

See silly stuff, but as we hit the 8 month mark of us dating I just worry about being boring. He says that I am still loved,  so why am I letting this silly little thing trigger me and make me doubt myself? Maybe the stress of moving and of being so sick lately, putting the weight I had lost back on, and also the questions my inner deep mono side keeps wanting to ask- why do you really want me to see other people? Even tho, hello– poly here and part of being poly is seeing other people, not because you are not wanted or loved but because YOU ARE!!! 

I am not that dark haired doll, I am not easily replaced and I just have to have faith that if I just keep on being just me and enjoying my life every little thing will be alright. 

Damn, I could really use a hug right now. Lol 

Communication in poly relationshipsĀ 

When i first started down this path in this new relationship,  I was told,  and had read, that one of the most important things in a relationship is communication.  

I knew my skills sucked but didn’t realize how badly until the last few days. I feel like I let stress take over my life and then expected my boyfriend to make me all better on date night,  getting pissy when he couldn’t read my mind. 

He tries so very hard to make sure we all know we are loved equally and I can’t thank him enough for that and for all he does for us. It can’t be easy at all! 

I thought being a woman loving a poly man was hard sometimes, but yesterday,  and last night,  I got to see what being that poly man was like – somewhat. 

That is a position I don’t know if I would have the mental calmness to take on and it really can’t be easy with a ditzy chick that worries about almost everything and has such damn insecurity that she has let it interfere with just about every relationship she has been in! 

We found a book at the book store one day, “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” he pointed out that I so need that book to help balance myself out and after the last few days I can’t agree more. 

I do let myself dive into myrterism and then whine and complain when I don’t feel my needs are important to others, how can they be when I tell others they aren’t? 

I saw this quote this morning after I got in from my long drive home, 

“The world will not put a value on you greater than you value yourself,” 

Boy,  how true us that? He keeps showing me I have value and I keep denying it, even tho I do know it is true. I have so much value not only as a mom  grandma, girlfriend, but also as a woman and a person, I know these things,  so why I become a toxin person and spill crap all over the people I love? 

I love how a dearest lady told me that from now on she will just knock me upside the head next time she sees it coming on!!! 

I am such a lucky lady, but damn so so can’t wait to get to feel his teeth on my skin again soon. 

Poly, places, moods

I do love him. I know I say it too often, but I do. And I love sharing him with beautiful ladies that truly do love him also. Just feels so right. 

This is my first truly really poly relationship and today just feeling a bit out of sorts.  “there are no places in poly” he told me last night, and woke up this am feeling a bit lost. 

You see in my family I was the unneeded one, I did my own thing, I came and went as pleased, no one asked where I was going  or had time to worry about where I had been. (not throwing a pitty fit-just making a statement), maybe that is why I love BDSM so much (besides the awesome play! And emotions) I have a place. I am a submissive (hi Maestre!) a smart caring woman,  and a little. šŸ™‚ 

With past relationships I had a place, a second/a third/a babygirl,  but never loved equally. 

He says that I am loved never the same but equally, and really that is perfect because we three are not the same ladies (how boring would that be?) we each bring  a hellva alot of great things and life to his table that is so different than each other. (I love how she has her strong eye rolls and how the other she can say “fuck you” to him!) 

 I am loved for different reasons but still loved and I am not used to this,  but craved it so badly for so long that I am worried I am going to mess up. 

I know I need to knock this shit off, that even if I mess something up-guess what, that is life and it can either be fixed or it can’t-but I can’t stop living and being me!!!! 

In my day job, I do amazing work to help families survive, I get to help breastfeeding moms! In my part time job, I do amazing work to fulfill Fantasies and have great phone sex with pretty awesome men. 

As a little, I enjoy life and help to “bring the fun” but also. I get to grow in love. As a submissive, I am home. I am where I belong. 

I have my place, my role, in my life.  I just need to get some damn self confidence. Because this right here, this is what I have craved my whole life. 

I just need some help to remember sometimes.