So Why don’t you date? 

 I was asked the other day this question by my Co worker who knows I am poly. I just told her I “just don’t feel like it, I just don’t have time with this move and all” I didn’t really her the truth- that I didn’t really even date before I met handsome man. 

Oh sure, I screwed around – alot, but I am pretty sure not one of those guys even knew my middle name and they sure the hell did not take me out on a date. 

Handsome man took me out to see the Christmas lights this last year and what I did not tell him,  is that I almost started crying when he put his hand on my back while we walked and looked at lights. I don’t know if he ever knew how much that meant to me, just that soft caress on my lower back that wasn’t looking to go further down and grab my ass. 

Well I told him “I’ve never done this before”  I’m sure he just thought it was walking around looking Christmas lights, but it was also actually being taken out on a date like that.

 Tim was the first person to ask me out and take me out since high school and it has been years since then.  It was hook ups at a party,  an 8 yr relationship as a hidden mistress (so you know there were no date night outs for us) and fwb – but don’t expect the benefits that true real friends get,  you just get the benefits of his dick when he has the time to give it to you.

That first night out with handsome man, being treated like a lady,  reminded me that I’m worth so much more.  I’m worth going out on dates.

So if I am also poly,  just like my boyfriend, you may ask why don’t I go out on dates.

 The simple answer is I don’t know how to date, not truly date. Never learned the skills of dating. 

Hell,  I’m just now learning the skills of communication with a man that I love. I am still not too great at it. I have a hard time telling him how I am feeling at times when we talk and am so glad he has a way of helping think of the feeling and naming it so I can talk to him about it. 

The more complex answer is that I am sitting up my house,  I really don’t have time…  and see- I’m just really not that fucking interested in dating people I don’t even know or that I have to reach out to, I don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore right now. 

I’m sure that’ll change over time,  things always do, but right now I really don’t want to have to go hunt  for someone to date.

 I’m scared to break those walls down again – what walls are left anyway,  most of them already all been broken down with handsome, 

I am scared to date again. 

I know it seems like I am so wrapped up in the bf I have now that I don’t reach out to find others, but that’s not true, I do talk to other men. I just don’t get all “I want you now” sex talky with them because I wanna wait and get to actually know them a bit – but it seems like a few days of talking and they just lose interest or push dick pic and I lose interest.  

I still talk to old friends and old lovers and I love those friendships,  but right now between full time work, babysitting on the weekends and still trying to finish the  move in and setting up my other full time at home business, me time is hard to come by. 

That’s another reason why I love date night so much,  it’s a night where I can just relax and I can just be with someone I care about and I can lose all that stress of regular day living.  I can just enjoy that time that we get touching and talking and spending time together. I can feel like a beautiful wanted woman on date night without any regrets and I love that. 

I really am happy right here where I’m at in my life.  that’s not to say that if some man ask me out on a date I’d say no because I wouldn’t- I’d say yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to go hunting for some man to ask me out

I am, however now having great fun today flirting shamelessly with my neighbor guy that I heard having massive sex last night. I saw him this am and said Hello Sir, with the added emphasis on Sir (most after hearing all I heard last night and playing till I came twice too lol) he just looked at me, said hello and winked! 

 I’m really okay where I am and if I ever come across as too needy,  I know he’ll tell me that to back off,  he has no problem telling me it!! But I really do try my best not to get to that point. 

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Doll’s life 

My grandbaby has these dolls she takes baths with. Every time after the bath, they would be put away differently. 

I joked around with my darling Meta, that I should write a blog about their poly lifestyle with pics, even had some pretty good pictures 🙂 

However; last Monday night, I came home to something that has been throwing me for a loop and don’t really know what to think, lol. 

We had an awesome date night, I love getting to spend time with my boyfriend, it is just really nice. He talked- no we talked,  about how maybe I should start seeing other people again and not be so dependent on him (which is hard for me because I allowed my submissive walls to come down with him and let him deeply inside. I learned to trust and try again and my submissive side is nervous),  it was a great talk and I felt good about my feelings and our relationship. 

But when I got home I noticed the next day,  the dark hair girl was gone from the tub. It was just the two blondes left.  Apparently her hair was icky and she got removed from the pairing. 

I don’t usually let my anxiety talk to me for a long time because I know it is just crap talking, but today (and part of this weekend) it is just bugging me. What if I am that dark haired girl and,  since he is doing so great in his life, job, relationships he (they) no longer want me around?  Which is bullshit cuz I am awesome lol giggle 

See silly stuff, but as we hit the 8 month mark of us dating I just worry about being boring. He says that I am still loved,  so why am I letting this silly little thing trigger me and make me doubt myself? Maybe the stress of moving and of being so sick lately, putting the weight I had lost back on, and also the questions my inner deep mono side keeps wanting to ask- why do you really want me to see other people? Even tho, hello– poly here and part of being poly is seeing other people, not because you are not wanted or loved but because YOU ARE!!! 

I am not that dark haired doll, I am not easily replaced and I just have to have faith that if I just keep on being just me and enjoying my life every little thing will be alright. 

Damn, I could really use a hug right now. Lol 

Communication in poly relationships 

When i first started down this path in this new relationship,  I was told,  and had read, that one of the most important things in a relationship is communication.  

I knew my skills sucked but didn’t realize how badly until the last few days. I feel like I let stress take over my life and then expected my boyfriend to make me all better on date night,  getting pissy when he couldn’t read my mind. 

He tries so very hard to make sure we all know we are loved equally and I can’t thank him enough for that and for all he does for us. It can’t be easy at all! 

I thought being a woman loving a poly man was hard sometimes, but yesterday,  and last night,  I got to see what being that poly man was like – somewhat. 

That is a position I don’t know if I would have the mental calmness to take on and it really can’t be easy with a ditzy chick that worries about almost everything and has such damn insecurity that she has let it interfere with just about every relationship she has been in! 

We found a book at the book store one day, “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” he pointed out that I so need that book to help balance myself out and after the last few days I can’t agree more. 

I do let myself dive into myrterism and then whine and complain when I don’t feel my needs are important to others, how can they be when I tell others they aren’t? 

I saw this quote this morning after I got in from my long drive home, 

“The world will not put a value on you greater than you value yourself,” 

Boy,  how true us that? He keeps showing me I have value and I keep denying it, even tho I do know it is true. I have so much value not only as a mom  grandma, girlfriend, but also as a woman and a person, I know these things,  so why I become a toxin person and spill crap all over the people I love? 

I love how a dearest lady told me that from now on she will just knock me upside the head next time she sees it coming on!!! 

I am such a lucky lady, but damn so so can’t wait to get to feel his teeth on my skin again soon. 

Poly, places, moods

I do love him. I know I say it too often, but I do. And I love sharing him with beautiful ladies that truly do love him also. Just feels so right. 

This is my first truly really poly relationship and today just feeling a bit out of sorts.  “there are no places in poly” he told me last night, and woke up this am feeling a bit lost. 

You see in my family I was the unneeded one, I did my own thing, I came and went as pleased, no one asked where I was going  or had time to worry about where I had been. (not throwing a pitty fit-just making a statement), maybe that is why I love BDSM so much (besides the awesome play! And emotions) I have a place. I am a submissive (hi Maestre!) a smart caring woman,  and a little. 🙂 

With past relationships I had a place, a second/a third/a babygirl,  but never loved equally. 

He says that I am loved never the same but equally, and really that is perfect because we three are not the same ladies (how boring would that be?) we each bring  a hellva alot of great things and life to his table that is so different than each other. (I love how she has her strong eye rolls and how the other she can say “fuck you” to him!) 

 I am loved for different reasons but still loved and I am not used to this,  but craved it so badly for so long that I am worried I am going to mess up. 

I know I need to knock this shit off, that even if I mess something up-guess what, that is life and it can either be fixed or it can’t-but I can’t stop living and being me!!!! 

In my day job, I do amazing work to help families survive, I get to help breastfeeding moms! In my part time job, I do amazing work to fulfill Fantasies and have great phone sex with pretty awesome men. 

As a little, I enjoy life and help to “bring the fun” but also. I get to grow in love. As a submissive, I am home. I am where I belong. 

I have my place, my role, in my life.  I just need to get some damn self confidence. Because this right here, this is what I have craved my whole life. 

I just need some help to remember sometimes.