Day 18

Can’t sleep,

I knew this was going to be hard but my fucking head won’t shut off tonight.

It’s not my business, but yet I feel like I should know. If it has been said, then I know I should believe it, but believing things doesn’t come easy for me.

Had yet another meeting at work, once again – “if you are not happy here you can always leave”, boy hearing that sure makes me feel valuable and wanted around.

I finally told them to stop saying that, that just once I would (fucking) like to hear “I don’t want you to go” “I want you to stay right here because you being here is important to me also”

Knowing it and hearing are two totally different things, sometimes you just wanna hear it., even if it is at just a job, it is still true.

This weekend I will wrestle with my anxiety and inner demons alone, but I do that alot anyways because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone.

It is a good thing for me to do, cuz at the end of the day, I am the one walking my path alone, no matter whom I share my life with, and I have to make sure it is a good one.

This is just a bit hard tonight.

Advertisements

Intensely 

I’ve known since being a little girl, I’ve always been intense.

This last year has shown me that sometimes it’s okay to stop being so intense, mostly these last few days.

I have been learning alot about myself,  not all because I wanted to but because I want this relationship, these friendships, and my path that I am on right now to continue in the right ways. 

I love in full, I have always believed in the fairy tales of how when you fall in love you feel complete and “the one” will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

 I could never understand why relationships didn’t work for me, why each one that ended badly left me scared to try the new one on.

 I could never understand why relationships that did work longer were with married men who wanted to own me but also wanted me to go see others. 

Those relationships ended because I fell too hard and craved more attention,  but didn’t know then what I am learning from my bf now- that the attention I crave can and should come from me 1st. 

Why does learning have to hurt so much sometimes? 

To hear him be honest with me about not missing me as much as I miss him brought back memories of Larry telling me that he needed to end our affair because I was in too deep and that I gave up my own fun life to be available for him whenever.  I thought that is what one did as a girlfriend but also as a submissive.  Yes, it hurt hearing that but yet – made me want to spend sometime figuring out why I felt like I missed him so much, I mean- I don’t want a full time live in lover, I want this, I want the freedom this relationship gives me.  

Think when I say I miss him it isn’t me saying I want him around all the time not living his own life, or saying that I don’t feel connected to him, it is I miss the connection we have when we are alone together, laughing, going to the movies, kissing, and having amazing sex.  I guess what I should say next time I want to say that is what I miss doing or want to do again.  Instead of I miss you – I want to hold your hand at the movies again when we can please. 

I do not want to have history keep repeating itself in order for me learn and improve. I started down that path again and this week really opened my eyes. 

I want him to miss me when we can’t see each other,  but not because I keep telling him I love and miss him; I want him to want me in his life, but not because I act like I can’t live without him, but because I know that I can.  That I know I am not entitled to anyone’s time or feelings, but that I do love getting to be part of them. 

So where do I go from here? 

I learn that my love doesn’t lessen any by flirting and seeing others, it didn’t in the beginning of this relationship so why would it now? actually it seems to make it deeper because I get out of the mind set that he is “be all”  and I give the poor man a break from all the pressures of dating me when I am being needy and clingy.  That is a good thing. 

But I also learn and remember that giving both of us space is a good thing. He isn’t Paul, he doesn’t need to know my every thought or every little thing I am doing, but at the same time he is my Maestre, and I take that part very seriously,  so I do still want to clear things with him, I want him to have the power of some decisions in my life as my Dom. and there is the fine line I am learning to walk. 

I have a feeling a good sit down discussion is needed again so I can better understand that line of Dom/sub and Boyfriend/girlfriend because I want them to work for the both of us, both as partners and as separate people again. I love being with him and having him in my life. 

I don’t want to lose him as either of those things in my life and I don’t want to lose the person I am becoming so growth is necessary…. Yet again lol, but I love this life so it is worth all the growing pains 

Master’s new toy.

I was halfway through my shift of teasing and pleasing my lovely callers
at my phone job, when Master called me to say I needed to come directly to his house right after my fun times were done, that I was not to ask why,-just to get there.

Walking up to his house, I heard his other submissive giggling with
another girl, a voice I had never heard before. They were in the shed so I
walked in and introduced myself. It turned out that this new lady was
going to be Master’s new toy and she was really nice, we laughed and
giggled while getting to know each other better.

My sub-sister had the rope in her hand as she was told to have ready but
as we all started giggle, one of us thought it would be a good idea to tie
her up and have her ready for him when he came home, one of the worst
idea’s yet.

Master was smiling when he walked into the shed but that smile dropped when he saw what we had done without permission. He got the most feral look on his face as he wrapped his hand around my throat and growled that he was not happy with us.

We were quickly banished from the shed.

It was so hard having to walk away without getting to be with him tonight
while he played, but this was our punishment and we deserved it.

We looked back to see if maybe he would tell us to stay, but that did not happen.

It was with tears in our eyes as we walked to the house as we heard the
first hit of leather on her skin. We laid in bed cuddled up together as we
heard her start to moan, knowing that Master had started the second part of his playtime.

The waves of emotions rushed over me as I heard her giggle, I knew I
should be so happy for Master because I know how much he loves his playtime and I really was happy for both him and her, but at the same time that tinge of pain knowing that Master was enjoying someone else, hurt.

This was the first time I experienced this and I swore that I would deal
with the emotions with him honestly so that next time I will wait to do as
asked and will be able to even be happier for Master and his new toy,
because I really liked her and I love him.

Master came into the room later that night, stood before us looking at us
both for a few moments before tell us to move our asses over, he was tired and wanted his ladies wrapped around him right where we good girls belonged and would always be.

It felt so good to be wrapped up in his arms, to feel him hug her and then
me; to hear him kiss her forehead before he turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said “I love you too little one, now get out of your head and
get your ass to sleep.I promise to punish you properly in the morning my
good girl” before kissing my forehead as well.

Love..

Love takes so many different forms

Love isn’t just a wonderful prince riding in to rescue a beautiful helpless maiden that the fairy tales make little girls dream of…

Love is not just the roses and candlelight that the movies make young ladies dream of…

Love is not just the two older people sitting on a couch talking about days gone by that stories from other couples make newlywed couples dream of…

Sometimes love is a touch, it is a kiss, it is a one night spent together sharing your bodies and then nothing more.

Sometimes love is meeting for coffee and then you crave that person in your life, for the rest of your life if possible.

Sometimes love is the sting of leather against soft skin, the hot wax pouring down on a hard nipple, the deep intake of breath when you wrap your hands around her neck as you growl in her ear how you want to tie her up and make her scream your name as you do all the wonderful devious things you have dreamed of doing to her.

Sometimes love is a whisper, a exchange of voices over a phone-line with a beautiful phone sex girl that leaves you breathless.

What is love? It is whatever makes you shine.

I wanna…

It has been a long time since I have made love to a woman, sure there have been quick hook-ups to get off and 3-ways with a hot man joining us, but I mean truly made love to a woman, I crave that.

I crave this.

You know, the kind of night where everything is just right. You go out and you all laugh, you giggle, you enjoy the night and, you start to flirt. Slowly at first to just tease the waters, but then she starts to flirt back.

The giggles turn a bit naughtier, the laughs end in sighs, casual touches seem to linger longer on each others arms with your fingertips softly tracing across her skin as you slowly move your hand away.

The night out comes to a close and you drive her home, just to make sure she gets there safely of course. As you walk her up to her door, you crack a joke about how funny this must look- walking her up to her door like a date and she says “if this is a date, would it end here with a kiss?”  before she slowly brings her lips up against yours.

She takes your breath away with that kiss and before you know it you are pulling her closer to you and kissing her deeper. You hear her moan at the same time you feel her body shutter when your hand moves to her hair to pull her in and deepen the kiss.

It is all you can do not to grab her right there and rip that shirt off- but this is new, this isn’t just play, this is something more so you slow down. You take a deep breath and bite her lower lip. She moans in delight and pulls away. As you ask her what is wrong, she just smiles and unlocks the door.

You want her, you want her hands on your skin, her lips on yours, you want her so you slowly softly whisper in her ear that it has been a very long time and she just smiles at you as she pulls you by the hand into her bedroom.

You know the kind of night I am describing don’t you? Just thinking about it is making my panties so very wet.

I want to see her standing there, see that shy but yet brave look on her pretty face as we start to kiss and explore each other’s bodies for the first time. I want to hear her moans as I lay her down on the bed to take her skirt and panties off. I crave hearing the way she would groan as I slid between her legs to trace her pussy lips with my finger nails.

I miss seeing the way a woman shivers as I open up her lips to run my tongue along her clit, down to her sweat wet pussy and then back up to lick that clit a little harder. I get wet thinking about how wonderful it would feel taste her, to feel her body tense up as my fingers start to enter her and my lips wraps around her clit to suck on it gently.

I have to touch myself when I think about this lovely woman arching her back and screaming as she cums, squeezing my fingers tight as she is coating my face with her juices.

hummm, so close to cumming all over my fingers as I think about kissing up her body to those lovely breasts, wrapping my hands around them to hold them up to my mouth so that I can suck on each nipple. Making her squirm and start to beg for more.

I can’t tell you how badly I want to roll over on my side, slide my hand back into her pussy as we start to kiss, as her hand starts to roam down my body until her finger tips find my rock hard clit and starts to stroke it matching my hand on hers.

Oh I want her, I want her to cum with me. I want us to be kissing as she starts to lose the ability to touch me. I want to see her eyes slide shut as I reach into her toy box to grab the dildo, I want to her hear beg as I move between her legs, putting the toy between us and thrusting it deep inside of her as if it was my own living cock.

Grabbing her hair hard, I want to watch as she starts to lose control. My hips forcing my toy cock deeper and deeper inside of her, pounding harder and harder till she tightens up and shudders her cum flowing out of that wonderfully tight pussy and my cum flooding her sheets between her legs as we both cum so hard that our bodies start to float.

I want to lay there in her bed, my body against hers as we try to catch our breaths only to start giggling and kissing again.

Yes, that is what I am craving tonight- how about you?

Take me…..

Slide your hands in my hair, Kiss me deeply.

Push me down on to the bed and slide down between my legs, push them open with you with your hands and bring your lips down to mine.

Run your tongue up and over my sweet hard little clit, as you start  to slowly work your fingers up into my tight pussy.

Feel me gush as you continue to slowly finger fuck me, biting my clit til I scream and cover your face with my hot sticky sweet cum.

Bring your mouth to mine, kiss me deeply letting me taste myself on your lips as you slide your cock deep inside of this hot wet cunt, making me moan out in delight.

Look into my eyes as you make love to me and tell me I am yours. Bring my body to the point of no return as your balls tighten and your breath comes in gasps.

Wrap your hands around my throat as you bite my lips and call me your whore. Bite my cheek hard, marking me as your bitch while you coat my womb with your cum.

Lay your head down on my chest to catch your breath as your fingertips trace my lips. Hear me giggle as your fingertips move up to trace down my nose to the tip, laughing yourself as you make me breath deeply and feel my body shake in one last climax.

I love laughing with you, I love talking to you, I love sharing you with the ladies you also love because it makes you happy  and that makes me smile, but most of all I love you.

Words for the last two weeks

Angry– for no rhythm or reason, just am. Don’t wanna adult today. I just want to stay in bed. 

 Tired – woke up in the middle of a dream where I was being made love to by handsome boyfriend due to toddler having a nightmare. 3 am is way too early. 

sad – my friend’s grandmother passed away today, she was in her 80’s and got cancer. I feel sad for the pain my friend is feeling and sad because I never had a grandma’s love.  My grandbaby will never ever question my love for her. 

 happy– big happy moments, going for long walks and making it! Being loved and giving love today. So many things 

secure – sure,  we joke around about him leaving me in 6 more months, but I know that just means I have 6 more months to bug the hell out of him and love him!   I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I have a good chance of survival.  

When he wraps his hands around my throat, I know I can trust him to keep me safe. When his teeth are sinking into my skin, I know I am his.  He is ours but I am his submissive slut. 

Loved – I know I’m loved by my family and I know I’m loved by my friends. Deep in my heart that I’m loved by my partner.  it’s the little things that he does that shows me he loves me. He doesn’t always have to say it,  although that feels good too. 

He works so hard to keep things equal and I’m very very happy about that, and the way he says “never the same but always equal”  just really says something to my heart about what Poly should be. 

Sometimes I worry though that I’m too much of a handful with my insecurity issues and little side or that I’m boring, so I just have to remember to be myself

Lonely–  I felt this way a couple times,  I guess it’s normal to just feel like you want to be cuddled up in bed and held.

 Funny, I look at the way my life has changed in the last 6 months and sometimes I wonder if I’m really meant to be what I am right now and I think so. 

 All I know is that I need to start expressing myself more and not be so damn needy sometimes.

Censored – okay,  this is a big one and kind of touchy. When I first started writing this blog I was nervous about what to say and about putting my partner in here because he has his own blog (which is pretty awesome)  and he has a life. 

I was told that he would never censor anything I wanted to say.  I could say whatever I wanted to say here and it was safe. I don’t know if I feel that way, but that is just my feeling right now and I will deal with it cuz that is what I do best 🙂 

Wanted/ Excited /Strong  all those very good feels he and my life gives me every day!!!! 

Hugs and cuddles please.