Day 21, breaking point

I took no pictures, and I did not blog yesterday because I stayed in bed all day in pain.

I pushed myself too hard the other day and I could feel it yesterday however I was also sick yesterday with a terrible headache cold chills and massive pain it feels like every bone in my hip is grinding together.

My son brought me medicine and my friend came over and rubbed my back with massive amounts of bengay while listening to me whine and cry but refuse to to the ER.

Today’s the day I’m worried about though, the pain is still there just not as bad as yesterday, however today’s the day I need to get up and go to work.

If I stay in bed one more day that might be the breaking point of “but I hurt I just want to stay in bed” that might be the point where I don’t get out of bed again. I watch my sister go through that after a car wreck. Where all she did was stay in bed and heal, and now that’s all she does, she has gotten huge and I don’t want that to happen to me. But gods it hurts so bad to stand up and walk today, I wish I could stay in bed one more day



So funny thing is, boyfriend wrote a blog last week about different forms of temptations and what we give up as people. I loved it, it was very good.  And yet it reminded me that sometimes,  I am not really true about honoring myself  or follow through. 

Today I got a message from a number I did not recognize.  Just a simple hello,

 I answered back and asked who it was, found out it was from the man that I spent almost 9 years with, one that would text good morning every morning for all of those years, except that doesn’t happen any longer and hasn’t for the past year. 

I remember the first morning that that didn’t happen again, April 21st last yr. We had just seen each other at the hotel in Seattle and I woke up waiting for that text. It never came.

A few days later I got that hello text, turns out his wife caught him coming home that night and he needed to break us off to save them. He said all kinds of things, but all that I heard was-  I don’t need you anymore” of course the standard “,God I want a blow job was there too” 

He never texted without it, but that is what our relationship was based on and we both enjoyed it oh so very much and sometimes I miss it. 

I explained that I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and that I just couldn’t go back to where I was before. I can’t and I won’t. 

But, I was so tempted to because I could lose myself, I… 

Fuck I just won’t even if I want to. I am in love and I deserve love, I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to have the man I truly love grab me and say “mine”.

 I deserve to be happy and going back there will not put me into a place to be happy.