Was it?

She laid in her bath after he left and wondered.

Wondered if what just happened was that terrible word that begins with an R.

She thought they were friends, they talk about their lives and share laughs but when he asked her if he could come over she was hesitate about saying yes. The last time he came over he was very vocal about wanting sex and even tho she tried hint that she really wasn’t in the mood, she just wanted to be friends he just didn’t get the hints. She finally had to come right out and say that she wasn’t interested and he did get rather upset but finally understood her and dropped the conversation.

She told him that she really wasn’t in the mood for visitors, her life was rather confusing right now, she just wanted to go to bed and do some thinking. As she was crawling into a hot bath with a bowl of some sweet kush to smoke, she heard the knock on her door. Rolling her eyes, she got back dressed and answered the door. There he was, standing there and started to walk in the door. Once again she told him she really didn’t feel like visitor but he spoke over her, saying that he just wanted to talk because his wife was crazy and that he knew that her leg was hurting from the fall she had a few weeks ago so he wouldn’t stay very long, he just needed a friend to talk to for a little while.

As they sat on the couch talking, he kept touching her and rubbing her sore leg, He said he could tell that it was still bothering her, offered to rub it and promised that would be it. He promised that he understood she didn’t want to be sexual and he wouldn’t push it.

As she started to lay down on her bed, he asked why she wasn’t getting undressed. She explain to him that she was going to just rest a few moments while he rubbed her leg and they talked before seeing him to the door and resuming her hot bath.

By the time she was on her bed, he was down to just his pants. With a surprised look on her face she asked him what was going on- he said it was so he could rub her leg better.

As he was rubbing her leg, she started to relax and drift off lightly only to be awaken by him crawling between her legs and rubbing his naked body on her ass. She asked him what the hell was going on and he just kept kissing her back, she told him that she wasn’t in the mood for this and he started rubbing her pantie covered pussy. He pushed harder and harder against her clit and said there was no way she wasn’t in the mood because she was so wet already.

She felt him pull her panties to the side and start to slid his cock up against her pussy. He kept kissing her shoulder while telling her he was going to fuck her really good and he knew how much she wanted it. She just closed her eyes let him finish. He came on her ass and kept saying how good it was to make her feel good again. She just laid there in a daze and nodded.

She walked him to the door after he got up and dressed. She told him that he was to never call her and was to never knock on her door again or she was going to call his wife and tell her all about what happened.

So she laid in her tub and swore that she would never speak about what happened because she really didn’t know what truly just happened- but she was sure that it was never going to happen again.

Fast forward a couple years, she is laying in her new tub in her new house relaxing after a stressful day of work when her phone buzzed showing she had a message on her facebook.

Smiling she was excited to see what her BF was up to, but that smile faded fast when she saw it wasn’t their handsome man.

It was him.

He was back in town for a little while, heard she had moved and was hoping to get to see her again. She deleted the message, she blocked him, and then laid her head back and let the tears fall.

Once again she thought- was it? was it rape? hadn’t she said no clear enough? Did she say no? Was that no cancelled when she got wet?

She let him in the door then and now here she was in her tub crying and wondering, just wondering…

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Day 16

Humm what to write about today, alot of changes at work and not really getting enough time today to walk as I would like, but kicking ass at excel!!!

I like my hands today. They are cute and strong even after 2 carpal tunnel surgeries in both hands. They help me earn my living, clean my house, hug my grandbaby and are so fun to play with in other ways as well.

Having smaller hands make it easier to fist a beautiful woman and stroke an amazing man, see, they are fun to play with in many ways.

I am beyond blessed today and will keep all things positive!!!!

And my scars that make me strong and proud.

Eight

So for today’s body part that I like- my legs. Yeah, of course we all wish our legs were skinnier, but you know what, my fucking legs are strong.

I’m just getting back into walking again after having a bout of inflammatory arthritis in both legs and hips.

Sometimes it hurts so bad that I don’t even want to get out of bed but the only thing that makes it better is getting out of bed and walking. There are days I want to scream at my hips to just please stop hurting, when I hold them and I cry, but those days are becoming fewer thank goodness.

I have to say I was amazed at the difference exercise makes in my life and wish I didn’t want to find excuses so easily not to do it.

I’ve always kind of had a very active sex life and I was never one to just lay there and take it however because of the hip pain, that’s what I started doing and I missed being able to give as well as take. (Some times, it just feels so good to lay there and enjoy all the amazing things tho. Lol)

I can also keep up with my grandbaby now and that’s huge for me.

My legs made jiggle and they may wiggle, my thighs are large and they do rub together, but they’re warm and they’re soft and they’re getting stronger.

Huts so good…

So many people that are starting in BDSM talk about being a “pain slut”, but there is so much more to being a masochistic pain slut than just enjoying a spanking.

I have the pleasure of both being a pain- loving masochist and playing with one. I love both sides of that coin and there is so much more to learn as I grow in my life as a sweet sadist.

I loved the way the cold metal of the cuffs bit into her wrists, watching as her eyelids grew heavy while her breathes quietly came in small gasps. I loved the way her body shivered slightly as she anticipated the next blow of leather against her sweet sweaty skin

My clit tingled as I watched her tongue dart from her pretty little mouth to taste the tear that touched her lip. That sweet salty intoxicating taste of pain that wrapped her body up in heaven.

I heard her gasp louder as she heard my whip rise up and watched her body twitch as she felt the wind just a fraction of a second before it’s leather fangs sunk into her delicate soft skin.

My cunt became soaking wet as her head fell back, her body swayed at the force of my whip, and her mouth opened wide in a silent scream. I wanted to hurt her more as her body surrendered to the molten burn of my whip and she started begging for more.

I stood back and watched with immense pleasure as her body slumped against it’s bindings and her my flew freely into subspace. She looked so stunning as her eyes fluttered under their closed lids, her tears ran freely down her face and that wicked evil little laugh of hers started, telling me that she was ready to be taken down off of the cross and held till she came back down to earth in my arms.

I was in heaven holding her and she, she is my sweet true masochist that feeds every evil part of my soul.

When you make love to me

I love it when you make love to me.

When you lay me down on the bed and slide your body up next to mine.

When you run your fingers through my hair to wrap it tightly in your fist.

When you pull my head back hard.

When you take my breath away as you wrap your hand around my throat.

When you watch my eyes slide shut before you slap me across the face to bring me back to you.

When you whisper in my ear “No, my little slut, we are not doing this tonight” as you take your hand off of my throat, slide it down my chest to
wrap it around my breast and lower your lips down to kiss my mine.

When you slowly draw me into your kiss, making our hearts beat in time and our breaths coming in small rapid gasps.

When you lift your head up to look in my eyes, smile at me as you slide your fingers between my soft pussy lips to tease my clit until I am moaning.

When you start to bite my neck as my cum coats your fingers, sliding your teeth against my skin as you slide your fingers deep inside of me, holding
on tight as I thrash through my orgasm, softly marking me as one of yours as my body shakes and starts to calm.

When you kiss me deeply as you slide your fingers out of me and bring them up to my mouth to lick clean.

When you moan in my ear as you feel my tongue worship your fingers as if they were your lovely cock.

When you stare in my eyes as you slowly push your cock so deep inside of me, hearing me gasp as my soft cunt opens up even wider to accommodate
your thick cock.

When you feel me tense up as you slowly make love to my body, as you open up doors in my heart and allow my demons to try to rebuild walls so that
you can crush them down with each strong slow stroke of your cock deep inside of me.

When you guide me through my fear of being intimate as your body leads mine into ecstasy.

When you hold me tight as you suckle on my nipple and your cock starts to throb inside of me in time with my inner walls squeezing you tight.

When you moan against my breast as your cum fills my womb, marking me as your inside of my wonderfully tingling body as eyes slide shut and “I love you” slides out of your lips.

When you wrap me in your arms as the giggling starts and subsides into deep sleeping breaths.

When you wake me up with your cock down my throat, your hand deep inside of my pussy, and calling me your wet cunt, dirty bitch, fucking cum whore who craves a good hard beating and that is just what I am going to be getting before you are done with me.

Oh I love it when you fuck me.

Intensely 

I’ve known since being a little girl, I’ve always been intense.

This last year has shown me that sometimes it’s okay to stop being so intense, mostly these last few days.

I have been learning alot about myself,  not all because I wanted to but because I want this relationship, these friendships, and my path that I am on right now to continue in the right ways. 

I love in full, I have always believed in the fairy tales of how when you fall in love you feel complete and “the one” will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

 I could never understand why relationships didn’t work for me, why each one that ended badly left me scared to try the new one on.

 I could never understand why relationships that did work longer were with married men who wanted to own me but also wanted me to go see others. 

Those relationships ended because I fell too hard and craved more attention,  but didn’t know then what I am learning from my bf now- that the attention I crave can and should come from me 1st. 

Why does learning have to hurt so much sometimes? 

To hear him be honest with me about not missing me as much as I miss him brought back memories of Larry telling me that he needed to end our affair because I was in too deep and that I gave up my own fun life to be available for him whenever.  I thought that is what one did as a girlfriend but also as a submissive.  Yes, it hurt hearing that but yet – made me want to spend sometime figuring out why I felt like I missed him so much, I mean- I don’t want a full time live in lover, I want this, I want the freedom this relationship gives me.  

Think when I say I miss him it isn’t me saying I want him around all the time not living his own life, or saying that I don’t feel connected to him, it is I miss the connection we have when we are alone together, laughing, going to the movies, kissing, and having amazing sex.  I guess what I should say next time I want to say that is what I miss doing or want to do again.  Instead of I miss you – I want to hold your hand at the movies again when we can please. 

I do not want to have history keep repeating itself in order for me learn and improve. I started down that path again and this week really opened my eyes. 

I want him to miss me when we can’t see each other,  but not because I keep telling him I love and miss him; I want him to want me in his life, but not because I act like I can’t live without him, but because I know that I can.  That I know I am not entitled to anyone’s time or feelings, but that I do love getting to be part of them. 

So where do I go from here? 

I learn that my love doesn’t lessen any by flirting and seeing others, it didn’t in the beginning of this relationship so why would it now? actually it seems to make it deeper because I get out of the mind set that he is “be all”  and I give the poor man a break from all the pressures of dating me when I am being needy and clingy.  That is a good thing. 

But I also learn and remember that giving both of us space is a good thing. He isn’t Paul, he doesn’t need to know my every thought or every little thing I am doing, but at the same time he is my Maestre, and I take that part very seriously,  so I do still want to clear things with him, I want him to have the power of some decisions in my life as my Dom. and there is the fine line I am learning to walk. 

I have a feeling a good sit down discussion is needed again so I can better understand that line of Dom/sub and Boyfriend/girlfriend because I want them to work for the both of us, both as partners and as separate people again. I love being with him and having him in my life. 

I don’t want to lose him as either of those things in my life and I don’t want to lose the person I am becoming so growth is necessary…. Yet again lol, but I love this life so it is worth all the growing pains 

Depression and phone sex

You wouldn’t think those two words would go together, but lately they have.

I know that the way to earn more money as a phone temptress is to put myself out there, advertise, write stories, be on the phone line, but lately I have just been wanting to go home after work, rest, and veg.

Weight is coming back on, checks are getting smaller, and I feel like I am super boring for my bf. Hard not to compare myself to other ladies when I so crave his hugs and talking with him, to the pout where I feel like I am bugging him and I don’t want to do that. I want to be that fun loving girlfriend again and I will be 🙂 

I sat down today and did the five steps of what, why, when, where and how about why I am feeling this way and right now, most of it comes from my office job and how depressing it is there.  I am not sure how to fix it or even if I have to as other are working on it.

And since there is only do or do not do, there is no try- it is time for me to get off my ass again.

Downloaded an exercise app for my phone, got healthy food, and am working the phones every night this week!

Now time to start writing porn!!! And then have a good time with myself – busy season need to chill out soon!! Lol