Pretty fucked up

Today I woke up in a pretty fucked-up mood and I’m trying to do it all so that it doesn’t stay that way because I want to have a really good day. 

All week I have stepped outside of my balance,  my box. I have made videos and I sent them and I know that part of being submissive is doing what you’re asked to do,  I really need some feedback if they were even ok.  if they were stupid or they’re ugly, if  they were disgusting or beautiful. 

 I don’t know and you know what’s sad, is I really do know they were beautiful  I really do know they were enjoyable, I know that part of me,  on the inside,  goes well maybe they were really bad. I don’t know what I need,  maybe that they weren’t really bad,  boring. But I also know that I have to be the one saying that I have to be the one that knows that and this is part of the process that I’m on right now. Just a little hard today and that’s okay. 

Which means I will keep making them until I know that I’m beautiful and they’re joyable even if they’re uncomfortable because no one ever died being uncomfortable.

 I have been around long enough to know that you do what you’re asked to do because your asked to do it.

 You don’t do what you’re asked to do to get kudos or atta girls,  you follow through with what you’re asked to do to grow. To feel uncomfortable until you feel comfortable. But I also know that my little girl all the inside is just begging to hear  that I’m doing a good job and it’s very complex

Maybe this is an example of that freaking out of the box doing what I’m asked to do even if it makes me uncomfortable to grow. I guess today is just one of those days where I just need a pat on the back, and I know that stupid because I’m also trying to grow as a submissive.

I wrote a story about how being a submissive to me is like being a horse, I need fences, I am more serious  if I know where the fences are,  I know that I can run really wild and I can run really free  in those fences, but I also know that I am shy about being proud on my own and that is stunting me. 

Another big part of today is that today is my grandbaby Sophia’s 3rd birthday. She is my son’s daughter, and I have not seen her since she turned one.

 My son has a Long Way to Grow to become a man however he is a man and he is trying his best. His ex will not let us see the baby I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandbaby. I have so much love to give her this child and I’m not allowed to and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is see her and tell her happy birthday. 

I know it breaks my son’s heart too so I don’t say anything about it in front of him, I don’t say anything to anyone about how much I wish I could see her. I put on the brave face and I say you know what is that Mom choice she’s making a really stupid fucking mistake choice but that’s her choice. So I will write it here and I miss her hear that I wish I could see her and I’ll have a good cry in the dark in the quiet of my room alone that way today when I go to work I put on a brave face to smile and I laugh and I giggle.  I will do everything I’m supposed to do, and tonight when I am cuddled up in this bug soft bed I will have another good cry and start looking forward to my 1st grandbaby’birthday!!!

Edited to add ; I feel better after posting this. “I’m not trying to be looking for at a good girl’s or I’m proud of you”because I strive for that a little too much. I work really hard to hear someone say they’re proud of me when I need to work harder to just be proud of myself and that’s why I’m doing this posting, to realize I am the one that needs to be proud of me. 

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Words for the last two weeks

Angry– for no rhythm or reason, just am. Don’t wanna adult today. I just want to stay in bed. 

 Tired – woke up in the middle of a dream where I was being made love to by handsome boyfriend due to toddler having a nightmare. 3 am is way too early. 

sad – my friend’s grandmother passed away today, she was in her 80’s and got cancer. I feel sad for the pain my friend is feeling and sad because I never had a grandma’s love.  My grandbaby will never ever question my love for her. 

 happy– big happy moments, going for long walks and making it! Being loved and giving love today. So many things 

secure – sure,  we joke around about him leaving me in 6 more months, but I know that just means I have 6 more months to bug the hell out of him and love him!   I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I have a good chance of survival.  

When he wraps his hands around my throat, I know I can trust him to keep me safe. When his teeth are sinking into my skin, I know I am his.  He is ours but I am his submissive slut. 

Loved – I know I’m loved by my family and I know I’m loved by my friends. Deep in my heart that I’m loved by my partner.  it’s the little things that he does that shows me he loves me. He doesn’t always have to say it,  although that feels good too. 

He works so hard to keep things equal and I’m very very happy about that, and the way he says “never the same but always equal”  just really says something to my heart about what Poly should be. 

Sometimes I worry though that I’m too much of a handful with my insecurity issues and little side or that I’m boring, so I just have to remember to be myself

Lonely–  I felt this way a couple times,  I guess it’s normal to just feel like you want to be cuddled up in bed and held.

 Funny, I look at the way my life has changed in the last 6 months and sometimes I wonder if I’m really meant to be what I am right now and I think so. 

 All I know is that I need to start expressing myself more and not be so damn needy sometimes.

Censored – okay,  this is a big one and kind of touchy. When I first started writing this blog I was nervous about what to say and about putting my partner in here because he has his own blog (which is pretty awesome)  and he has a life. 

I was told that he would never censor anything I wanted to say.  I could say whatever I wanted to say here and it was safe. I don’t know if I feel that way, but that is just my feeling right now and I will deal with it cuz that is what I do best 🙂 

Wanted/ Excited /Strong  all those very good feels he and my life gives me every day!!!! 

Hugs and cuddles please. 

 Words

“my bitch”- I had no idea how hot those words were till you whispered them in my ear, your hand around my throat, your cock deep in my sweet ass.

“my whore”- I did not know these words would make me scream in delight until I heard them while you pounded your hard cock deep inside my wet pussy.

“my cunt”- I didn’t know I would crave such words until you shovedyour rock solid cock deep down my tight throat.

” Mine!”  words to end all words said when you cover my pretty face with your cum, marking me as yours. 

“I love you too, Maestre “- words quietly shouted while being wrapped in your
strong arms and held till I come back to earth. 

3

Funny how life changes isn’t it? 

As I lay in this bed I can’t help but think about last night and how I wish I had been in a different bed. 

Went over to see my Daddy and his lady, a month ago this would have been a dream come true. We had dinner and watched a movie.

 She and I tucked him into bed and all three cuddled up together. It was such a pretty picture, I am sure. She with short brown hair laying in black panties and I with longer darker hair laying there in white – most men’s wet dream for sure. 

As they kissed, I curled closer to his side and ran my nails down his chest to thigh and then back up to stroke his balls. She worked her way down his chest to slide his soft cock into her mouth and he threw his head back in pleasure. 

This man has a very hard time cumming, but when I ran my nail down under his balls to press hard against the bottom of them, he started moaning and rising up to fuck her mouth. In my mind D, I was somewhere else, with someone else, I was the one going to church to worship the cock I crave. 

I sucked his nipple matching  her movements as she sucked his cock and then leaned up to his ear to talk to him. I love words, words have power and when they are said with the right tone, the the right amount of passion, they can set the mind on fire with pleasure. 

I told him how fucking hot it was to watch that fucking slut suck his cock like a starving greedy whore. 

Told him I wanted to watch him fuck that sweet mouth like a he would a tight wet cunt so I could lick every drop of his hot cum out of it.

 As I described how I would slide my wicked little tongue in the folds of her sweet cunt to hear her scream as I licked and sucked all of his cum out of her fucking pussy,  he let out a groan that quickly became a scream and he flooded her mouth with gush after gush of hot cum. 

I wish she would have shared his cum with me, but maybe that is what I needed to see to know that I truly did belong somewhere else. 

They are a couple and I was a toy, not that that is a bad thing to be but I want to be more. I am more. 

So in the famous words from Buffy, where do we go from here? I know for me, I know where I belong now and who I want to belong to. 

I don’t know if I am meant to be a mono part in this poly relationship or if someday I will join our handsome man in being fully poly, but right now- I just want to be pleasing him.